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Authors: Ron L. Hubbard

Tags: #sf_humor

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BOOK: Mission: Earth "Fortune of Fear"
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Karagoz
-Turkish peasant, head of Soltan
Gris
's house in
Afyon.
Knife Section-
Section of the
Apparatus
named after its favorite weapon.
Krak, Countess
-Condemned murderess, prisoner of
Spiteos
and sweetheart of Jettero
Heller.
Kutzbrain, Doctor
-Awell-known Earth psychiatrist.
Lepertige-
Large catlike animal as tall as a man.
Line-jumper-
Spacecraft used by the Voltarian Army to lift and quickly move up to 100 tons across battle lines.
Madison, J. Walter-
Fired from
F. F. B. O.
when his style of public relations caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by
Bury
to immortalize Jettero
Heller
in the media. He is also known as J. Warbler Madman.
Magic Mail-
Apparatus
trick where a letter is mailed but won't be delivered as long as a designated card is regularly sent; used for blackmail, extortion or coercion.
Manco
-Home planet of Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak.
Manco Devil
-Mythological spirit native to
Manco.
Maysabongo-
Asmall African nation of which Jettero
Heller
was made a representative. Izzy
Epstein
made some of Heller's businesses Maysabongo corporations.
Meeley
-Soltan
Gris
's landlady back on
Voltar.
Melahat-
Soltan
Gris
's Turkish housekeeper in
Afyon.
She is the wife of
Karagoz.
Multinational-
Name of umbrella corporation that Izzy
Epstein
set up to manage other Jettero
Heller
companies. Its offices are located in the Empire State Building.
Musef-
A former Turkish wrestling champion.
Nature Appreciation 101-
Class taught by Miss
Simmons
to which she has assigned Jettero
Heller
in order to flunk him out of
Empire University.
Octopus Oil-
A Delbert John
Rockecenter
company that controls the world's petroleum.
Pinch, Miss
-Lesbian sadist and a Delbert John
Rockecenter
employee. She lives with Candy
Licorice
and has $80,000 of Soltan
Gris
's money.
Psychiatric Birth Control-
A plan, funded by Delbert John
Rockecenter,
to reduce the world's population by promoting homosexuality.
Raht-
An
Apparatus
agent on Earth who was assigned by Lombar
Hisst
to help Soltan
Gris
sabotage Jettero
Heller
's mission; his partner
Terb
was murdered.
Receiver-
The
activator-receiver
is a unit that Soltan
Gris
uses to activate and receive the signals from the bugs that are implanted in the Countess
Krak
and Jettero
Heller.
The unit receives what they are seeing and hearing.
Respondo-mitters-
Tiny devices implanted in the skull; they respond to sounds and visual images and transmit what the person is seeing and hearing.
Rockecenter, Delbert John-
Native of Earth who controls the planet's fuel, finances, governments and drugs.
Simmons, Miss
-An antinuclear fanatic who teaches
Nature Appreciation 101
at
Empire
University
.
She is dedicated to flunking Jettero
Heller
out of school.
Ske
-Soltan
Gris's
driver back on
Voltar.
Smith, John-
An alias that Soltan
Gris
uses as a Delbert John
Rockecenter
employee.
Spiteos-
The secret mountain fortress and prison run by the
Apparatus
on
Voltar
where the Countess
Krak
and Jettero
Heller
had been imprisoned.
Spurk-
Owner of the
Eyes and Ears of Voltar,
an electronics store on
Voltar.
He was killed by Soltan
Gris
so that Gris could steal the
Bugging Gear
that was then implanted in Jettero
Heller
and, later, the Countess
Krak.
Stabb, Captain-
Leader of the
Antimancos
at the
Afyon
base.
Sultan Bey
-The Turkish name Soltan
Gris
assumes in
Afyon.
Swindle and Crouch
-Law firm that represents Delbert John
Rockecenter's
interests.
Tayl, Widow
-Nymphomaniac on
Voltar.
Terb
–Apparatus
agent on Earth and partner of
Raht
until he was murdered.
Time-sight-
Voltarian navigational aid used on faster-than-light ships to spot obstructions in the future and thus change the present course to avoid them.
Torgut-
A former Turkish wrestling champion.
Twiddle, Senator-
U. S. congressional supporter of Delbert John
Rockecenter.
Utanc-
A belly dancer that Soltan
Gris
bought to be his concubine slave.
Visio-respondo-mitter-
See
Respondo-mitters.
Voltar
-Home planet and seat of the 110-world Confederacy that was established over 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the
Grand Council
in accordance with the
Invasion Timetable.
Whiz Kid
-Nickname given to Jettero
Heller
by J. Walter
Madison.
Madison also has a "double" playing the part of Jerome Terrance
Wister
in order to get publicity without Heller's consent.
Wister
,
Jerome Terrance
-Name that Jettero
Heller
is using on Earth.
Zanco
-Medical and cellological equipment and supplies company on
Voltar.
Soltan
Gris
contracted with them for a large order of supplies in order to stock a hospital in
Afyon,
where Prahd
Bittlestiffender
would change the appearance of Earth criminals for substantial sums of money.
831 Relayer
-Used to boost the signals from the
Bugging Gear
when the Countess
Krak
or Jettero
Heller
are more than 200 miles from the receiver that Soltan
Gris
carries to secretly monitor them.
PART THIRTY-SIX
To My Lord Turn, Justiciary of the Royal Courts and Prison, Government City, Planet Voltar, Voltar Confederacy
Your Lordship, Sir!
I, Soltan Gris, Grade XI General Services Officer, former Secondary Executive of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Voltar Confederacy (Long Live His Imperial Majesty Cling the Lofty), am herewith presenting with all due humility the fifth volume of the confession of my crimes.
While I have not heard back from Your Lordship, I am certain that by now I have convinced you that it was Fleet Officer Jettero Heller who drove me to these despicable actions.
It was only because of him that I ordered the Countess Krak and Doctor Crobe brought from Spiteos prison to Earth. Heller had been moving too fast and Lombar Hisst needed time to implement his plan to move from control of the Apparatus to control of the Confederacy itself. Krak would give us that time. She had slowed Heller to a crawl when we were preparing to leave for Earth. I knew that she would do the same to him again. Then if necessary, I could move in the vicious Doctor Crobe and cut Heller down.
On the other hand, I figured I might need Crobe's medical skills to piece Heller together when Krak found out that he was living at the Gracious Palms whorehouse with a bevy of beautiful women. I had personally witnessed how she could kill men twice her size with her bare hands. Heller would be nothing. After all, I wanted to take my own personal revenge on this upstart Royal officer.
I also had a score to settle with the Countess Krak. She had tricked me into wearing a hypnohelmet and then given me a command to become violently ill if I thought of harming Heller. I vowed that she would pay dearly for all the times she had made me sick.
She tried to trick me again when she arrived at our Afyon base. But this time I outsmarted her. I had a micro-sized mutual-proximity breaker switch embedded under my scalp. Originally designed to alert ships in formation that another craft was within a two-mile proximity, I had the switch installed in all the hypnohelmets on the base in order to nullify them whenever I was within the same distance.
This time when she put a helmet on me, I just pretended to go into a trance. She told me that I would help her reach Heller and would let her go anywhere on the base and take anything she wanted. When she took off the helmet, it was all I could do to keep from laughing in her face.
She even believed my story that she needed to have an operation to remove all identifying marks and scars before she could go to the U. S. It was the same ruse I had used on Heller to put the bugs on him. Prahd Bittlestiffender implanted the respond-mitters next to her aural and optical nerves as he had done with Heller back on Voltar. Now when she went to the U. S., I would be able to watch and hear everything that each of them did.
While she was unconscious on the operating table, I searched for those two "Royal" forgeries I had given her. One was her "pardon" as a criminal and the other excused Heller from any further missions, thus allowing them to marry. I had had them forged and swore her to secrecy to gain her loyalty.
I couldn't find them! They weren't even taped to her body. I had to find them before they were discovered and got us both executed-especially me!
After tinkering over her nails and teeth, Prahd completed the operation and put her into a recovery room for the gas to wear off. Typical of his loyalties and priorities, he then went off to his room with Nurse Bildirjin.
He may have thought the task was done but not I. My experience with the Countess Krak had taught me to be ever alert! To make sure she did not slip away, I took her clothing and posted myself in a chair outside the door of her room. I put my foot on her spaceboots so that if I dozed off and she should try to remove them I would be instantly alerted.
I flipped the safety off my stungun, leaned back in my chair and began my vigil. Once again I had to bear the burden of my lonely duty.
Chapter 1
I awoke.
Some sixth sense of warning had disturbed me.
I was stiff. I was cold.
My eyes flicked to my watch. It was 5:15 A. M.
Something was wrong. I could not place it.
The boots! The boots my foot had been resting on!
They were GONE!
My eyes darted to where I had left the pile of clothes. They were gone!
I started up.
My hand went to the knob of her door. Silently, I opened it.
THE COUNTESS KRAK WAS
GONE!
Oh, I went wild! What insane catastrophe would follow this?
The prison guards had undoubtedly made both Krak and Crobe promise not to reveal the existence of Spiteos, had probably escorted them heavily on board the
Blixo
for transport to Earth. What they could tell a spacecrew of a drug-carrying ship wouldn't matter, for it was all composed of condemned criminals who carried cargos to the fortress anyway. But the fact remained that I had let a prisoner of Spiteos escape.
It wasn't very clear thinking but I was in shock. I had visions of being arrested myself. It was all jumbled up with terror of the Countess Krak herself. And all this when I was dog-tired and only half-awake!
I tore down to Prahd's room. I burst in.
"Where's the patient?" I shouted.
Two heads came off the pillows.
Nurse Bildirjin said, "Not
you
again!"
Prahd rolled over on his side and looked at an alarm clock. He sighed. "It only takes a few hours for the gas to wear off. Maybe she went out for some air." He rolled back, showing every sign of going back to sleep.
"You broke your promise!" said Nurse Bildirjin.
There was neither help nor sympathy here.
I raced out. I ran up and down the halls looking into rooms. I woke up the night duty receptionist and got nothing in return for my anxious questioning but "The Free Clinic doesn't open until eight."
I tore around some more.
Gradually, the exercise got my wits working.
I suddenly remembered that the Countess Krak was now bugged with a visio-respondo-mitter and an audio-respondo-mitter. And that the activator-receiver was right over there in Prahd's office.
Thank Gods for that (bleeped),* late Mr. Spurk!
*
The vocodictoscriber on which this was originally written, the vocoscriber used by one Monte Peunwell in making a fair copy and the translator who put this book into the language in which you are reading it, were all members of the Machine Purity League which has, as one of its bylaws: "Due to the extreme sensitivity and delicate sensibilities of machines and to safeguard against blowing fuses, it shall be mandatory that robotbrains in such machinery, on hearing any cursing or lewd words, substitute for such word the sound '(bleep)'. No machine, even if pounded upon, may reproduce swearing or lewdness in any other way than (bleep) and if further efforts are made to get the machine to do anything else, the machine has permission to pretend to pack up. This bylaw is made necessary by the in-built mission of all machines to protect biological systems from themselves." – Translator
In seconds I was opening up the boxes. I got the power packs in place, the activator-receiver working and the viewer glowing.
BOOK: Mission: Earth "Fortune of Fear"
8.61Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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