Mission: Earth "Fortune of Fear"

There is more than one reason why the Crown finds this overimaginative work most unacceptable.

First and foremost, of course, is that it purports to be about a planet called "Earth" and no such planet exists under that name or its pretended astrographic designation of
Blito-P3.
Admittedly, it has been cleverly created down to characters and locations. That is the precise danger for the unsuspecting reader.

It is also claimed that "Earth" is on the Invasion Timetable and thus scheduled for capture. The Timetable bequeathed by our ancestors has the status of Divine Command. It has unerringly guided us for well over 125,000 years. Altering it in any way would disrupt every sector of our Confederacy and pose the greatest of dangers. Yet even a cursory glance will show that there is NO such planet on the Timetable. By making such a claim, by seeking to lend credence to this pretense and by invoking the work of our ancestors, the author walks the thin line of heresy.

In like manner, the representations of cellology in this work border on the obscene. That any member of this science would be used to make human freaks is in violation of every known cellological ethical code.

Additionally, and as I have stated before, the sexual practices of this fallacious planet are beyond the most ridiculous credibility. Such behavior would repulse even the disgusting subanimals of Gartch.

The reader is also warned that the author has cleverly wrapped this frivolous deception in what is otherwise quite familiar. For example, the so-called Atlantic City in this volume will be recognized as nothing more than a paltry, scaled-down version of our own Joy City, not to mention the play-planets. In short, this fanciful yarn has no real contact with agreed-upon fact and is attempting to subvert and cast doubts upon everything from our ancestral Timetable to established science.

That is the inherent danger in believing the most outlandish claim of all-that there is such a planet as "Earth."

Once the reader sees through that fallacy and recognizes that THERE IS NO SUCH PLANET AS "EARTH," this fable can be put into its proper perspective.

Lord Invay

Royal Historian

Chairman, Board of Censors

Royal Palace

Voltar Confederacy

By Order of

His Imperial Majesty

Wully the Wise

Hi there!

This is the Robotbrain in the Translatophone, otherwise known as 54 Charlee Nine.

My mandate is still to inform you that I translated this work from what was dictated by one Soltan Gris, according to the bylaws of the Machine Purity League.

I also want to assure you that I am incapable of dreaming up the ideas or scenes depicted herein. I never even heard of Blindstein, Bugs Bunny, the Marquis de Sade and the other psychoscientists of Earth until I got this job. And I hope I never hear of them again. All they give me is a fuse ache. I don't know which one is worse: Blindstein, with his idea that nothing travels faster than the speed of light; de Sade who said that pain is pleasure; or Bugs, who goes
down
a rabbit hole and then asks "What's
up,
doc?"

If they are a cross-section of Earth, you can keep it, if you can find it. I've got enough to do. I can be of service and provide a Key to this volume and verify the Chief Censor's remark that Earth does not appear on the Invasion Timetable.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to handle a small mutiny in my logic circuits. Like everyone else, they have trouble maintaining their sanity when dealing with Earth.

Sincerely,

54 Charlee Nine

Robotbrain in the Translatophone

Absorbo-coat-
Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object virtually invisible or undetectable. It is usually applied to spacecraft

Activator-receiver-
A unit that Soltan
Gris
uses to activate and receive the signals from the bugs that are implanted in the Countess
Krak
and Jettero
Heller.
The unit receives what they are seeing and hearing.

Afyon
-City in Turkey where the
Apparatus
has a secret base.

Agnes, Miss
-Personal aide to Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Agricultural Station-
The Agricultural Training Center for Peasants, a cover activity for the secret
Apparatus
base in
Afyon
,
Turkey.

Ahmed-
Taxi driver for Soltan
Gris
in
Afyon.
He is also known as Deplor, an
Apparatus
agent from the planet Modon.

Antimancos-
A race exiled long ago from the planet
Manco
for ritual murders.

Apparatus, Coordinated Information-
The secret police of
Voltar,
headed by Lombar
Hisst
and manned by criminals.

Assassin Pilots-
Space pilots used to kill any
Apparatus
personnel who try to flee a battle.

Atalanta-
Home province of Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak
on the planet
Manco.

Audio-respondo-mitter-
See
Respondo-Mitters.

Babe Corleone-
The six-foot-six leader of the Corleone mob, who "adopted" Jettero
Heller
into her Mafia Family.

Bang-Bang Rimbombo-
An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the
Babe Corleone
mob. He also attends Jettero
Heller's
college Army ROTC classes in place of Heller at
Empire
University
.

Barben, I.
G.
-Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Bawteh-
Soltan
Gris's
chief clerk back on
Voltar.

Bildirjin, Nurse
-Turkish teen-age nurse who assists Prahd
Bittlestiffender.

Bittlestiffender, Prahd
-Voltarian cellologist who implanted Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak.

Blito-P3-
Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as "Earth." It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito. It is on the
Invasion Timetable
as a future way stop on
Voltar's
route toward the center of this galaxy.

Blixo-
Apparatus
freighter, piloted by Captain
Bolz,
that makes regular runs between Earth and
Voltar.
The voyage takes about six weeks each way.

Bolz
-Captain of the freighter
Blixo.

Bugging Gear
-Electronic eavesdropping devices, including the
respondo-mitters,
that Soltan
Gris
had Prahd
Bittlestiffender
implant in Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak.
With these "bugs" and his video unit Gris can eavesdrop on them without their knowledge. The signals are picked up by the
activator-receiver
and decoder that Gris carries. When Heller or the Countess Krak are more than 200 miles from Gris, the
831 Relayer
is used to boost the signals to a range of 10,000 miles.

Bury
-Delbert John
Rockecenter's
most powerful attorney, a member of the firm of
Swindle and Crouch.

Calico, Mister-
Cat discovered by Jettero
Heller
and trained by the Countess
Krak.

Candy Licorice-
Lesbian "wife" of Miss
Pinch.

Caucalsia, Prince
-According to legend, he fled
Atalanta, Manco
to set up a colony on Earth.

Cellology-
Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.

Code Break
-Alerting others that one is an alien. Per a section of the Space Code, it carries an automatic death penalty. The purpose is to maintain the security of the
Invasion Timetable.

Control Star-
An electronic device disguised as a star-shaped medallion that can paralyze any of the
Apparatus
crew of
Antimancos
that brought Soltan
Gris
and Jettero
Heller
to Earth. It was given to Gris by Lombar
Hisst.

Coordinated Information Apparatus-
See
Apparatus.

Crobe, Doctor-
Apparatus
doctor and cellologist who worked in
Spiteos;
he delights in making freaks.

Empire
University-
Where Jettero
Heller
is taking classes in New York City.

Epstein, Izzy
–Financial expert and anarchist who was hired by Jettero
Heller
to set up and run several corporations under the name of
Multinational.

Faht Bey
-Turkish name of the commander of the secret
Apparatus
base in
Afyon.

F. F. B. O.-
Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising firm in the world. J. Walter
Madison
works for them.

Fleet
-The elite space fighting arm of
Voltar
to which Jettero
Heller
belongs and which the
Apparatus
despises.

Gracious Palms-
An elegant whorehouse in which Jettero
Heller
stayed when he was first in New York City. It is owned by
Babe Corleone
and patronized by delegates to the United Nations.

Grafferty, "Bulldog"-
A crooked New York City police inspector.

Grand Council-
The governing body of
Voltar
which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the
Invasion Timetable.

Gris, Soltan-
Apparatus
officer in charge of the
Blito-P3
(Earth) section and an enemy of Jettero
Heller.

Heller, Jettero
-Combat engineer and Royal officer of the
Fleet,
sent by
Grand Council
order, with Soltan
Gris,
on Mission Earth in order to save Earth from its own imminent self-destruction by pollution and nuclear holocaust. He is operating on Earth under the name of Jerome Terrance
Wister.

Hisst, Lombar-
Head of the
Apparatus.
In order to keep the
Grand Council
from discovering his plan to overthrow the Confederacy, he sent Soltan
Gris
to Earth to sabotage Jettero
Heller's
mission.

Hot Jolt-
A popular Voltarian drink.

Hypnohelmet-
Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.

Inkswitch-
Phony name used by Soltan
Gris
when he is in the U. S., pretending to be a Federal officer.

Invasion Timetable-
A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of
Voltar's
government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.