Mockingbird (3 page)

Oh.
He looks back at the photo of Devon.
Yes. That’s when he made his Life rank in Scouts.

Dad nods and sighs.
He wanted very much to make Eagle.

From my seat at the kitchen table I can see the corner of the living room where the chest sits.
That’s his Eagle project.

Yes,
says Dad.
It was.

Dad swallows hard even though he’s not eating anything. He gets up from the table and leaves the other half of his Pop-Tart and his salad stuff too.

I don’t feel hungry anymore so I put my plate in the dishwasher. I have to scrape Dad’s plate before I put it in the dishwasher. Then I sit down and draw like I do all the time. Devon says if I went a whole day without drawing I would probably die. But that will never happen because I can’t go a whole entire day without drawing.

Dad sits back down on the sofa and stares at the pencil stain on the carpet.

CHAPTER 5

PERSONAL SPACE

I HATE RECESS EVEN THOUGH Devon says it’s supposed to be my favorite subject and there is no recess once you get to middle school so enjoy it now. But I can’t enjoy it because I’m surrounded by sharp screaming and it’s too bright and people’s elbows are all pointy and dangerous and it’s hard to breathe and my stomach always feels really really sick. I stand and put my arms around me like a force field and squeeze my eyes almost closed to try to shut everything out. It doesn’t work. I still feel like a Fake Item Box that Mario is going to run over any minute now. I start sucking my shirt cuff that’s sticking out of my jacket sleeve.

I see Josh pushing people off of the monkey bars again. He used to be in my class before he got put in the other fifth-grade room because Mrs. Brook says it’s better that way. I think so too. Josh used to be just loud but now he’s loud and evil. Dad says it’s because Josh’s cousin was one of the school shooters at Devon’s school. The one the police caught right away. And killed. But not before he shot Devon.

Now my heart is pounding loud and I want to moan but Devon says you can’t moan or scream or shake your hands up and down or rock or get under a table or spin around over and over in public. Actually you can’t do most things over and over in public because that’s not normal unless it’s something like clapping or laughing but you have to do it only at the right times and places and Devon always tells me. Now I don’t know anymore.

My eyes feel hot and itchy and everything is blurry so I remember an okay thing I can do which is to blur colors and shapes so they change into fuzzy and warm instead of sharp and cold. I call it stuffed-animaling. If you take the monkey bars and the people and blur them together they get soft and fluffy and kind just like a stuffed animal. And you can forget about where you are and pretend you’re somewhere else like under your bed with your stuffed animals.

I’m stuffed-animaling the playground so well that after a while there’s only monkey bars left and one shape that’s coming toward me so I stop blurring and suck my sleeve more. Blurring is good for the things you don’t want to see but it doesn’t work so well for the stuff you actually have to Deal With.

Josh is walking toward me and he’s smiling even though he runs into William H.’s Personal Space and knocks him down. You shouldn’t walk into someone else’s Personal Space. Especially not William H.’s. William H. is autistic. He’s in the other fifth-grade class. He has Mrs. Brook time too but Mrs. Brook says it’s good for everyone to be in a regular class. But he screams a lot so I’m glad he’s not in my class except for recess and PE. Now he’s screaming LOUD and the lady who helps him tries to get him up but William H. is kicking too much.

Josh has a big grinny smile on his face. You shouldn’t smile when you do something bad because a smile is supposed to mean you’re being nice. I wish people would follow the Facial Expressions Chart like they’re supposed to.

The lady who helps William H. talks to Josh. Her hands are on her hips and her head is moving up and down and she keeps leaning forward and back again. I think this means she’s mad. Sometimes it means The Chicken Dance but I don’t think that’s what she’s doing right now. Finally she walks away and Josh shrugs. This means he doesn’t Get It. I decide to be helpful because that’s something I’m good at so I go over to Josh.

Ew!
he yells
. You’re like a dog! Slobbering all over your sleeve!

I stop sucking my sleeve even though I don’t know why he says
Ew.
I like dogs. Dogs sit next to you and put their chin on your lap. Dogs are sweet and kind. I’m happy if people think I’m a dog.

What do you want? Freak!
Josh says, and I remember why I’m there.

I don’t know what that means so I say again,
You shouldn’t get in someone’s Personal Space.

He puts his hands on his hips and his nose wrinkles up.
What of it?

He must mean, What IS it.
Personal Space is this.
I step right in front of him—I even step on his toes—to show him where his Personal Space is.

Get off me you freak!
he yells.

You need to remember Your Manners,
I tell him.
You should say, Excuse me please but you’re in My Personal Space.

His head leans forward and his mouth drops open.

I think this means confused so I tell him again.
Listen carefully. This is what you say. Excuse me please but—

I shake my head.
No. That’s not the polite way to say it. You say, Excuse me—

Why are you bugging me?
he shouts
.

I Look At The Person.
Yes. You. Did.
I say it slowly so maybe he’ll understand.

Josh’s face is red and he’s breathing hard all of a sudden like he has been running even though he hasn’t been.
Is this about your brother?

Why is he talking about Devon? This conversation is about William H.

Your cousin is dead. Remember? YOU are the one who did something wrong,
I say, because I SAW him push William H. out of his Personal Space.

I don’t know why he’s yelling at me.

I hate shouting. I’m starting to shake.

They tried to save him at the hospital!
Josh yells.

I’m shaking my head now because I want him to stop.

But he doesn’t
. His Heart was hanging out and they couldn’t close his chest up—

Shut up Josh!
It’s Emma from my class. There are a bunch of kids behind her.

I suck my sleeve but I can’t help moaning even though I’m not supposed to.

She brought it up!
Josh says.
She’s accusing me!

Yeah,
a boy says as he gives Josh a shove.

Josh practically falls into me so I step away and Josh lands on the ground. Some people laugh.

Josh stares up at me with slitty eyes.
It’s not my fault her brother is DEAD!

NOOOO!
I hear a scream and only when I try to run far FAR away from it but it keeps following me do I realize that it’s me.

CHAPTER 6

THE HEART

I FIND THIRTY-TWO BOOKS IN the library about how the Heart works. Dad talks with the librarian and says it’s okay for me to use his card too so I can check out a lot of books. Some of them are kids’ books and some are adult books but I can read anything because my reading score is so high they can’t even rate it. When I was in kindergarten I was above eighth-grade level and that was as far as you could get in kindergarten. Now I’m in fifth grade which is why I can read anything Dad can.

Sometimes I read the same books over and over and over. What’s great about books is that the stuff inside doesn’t change. People say you can’t judge a book by its cover but that’s not true because it says right on the cover what’s inside. And no matter how many times you read that book the words and pictures don’t change. You can open and close books a million times and they stay the same. They look the same. They say the same words. The charts and pictures are the same colors.

Books are not like people. Books are safe.

The librarian won’t let you take the
Physicians’ Desk Reference
home even if you hide it in the middle of thirty-two books. She says you have to leave it in the reference section so others might enjoy it. I don’t think I should have to leave it in the reference section just so others
might
enjoy. I know I
will
enjoy it. But she says that is not the point. She never does tell me what the point is but Devon says sometimes you just have to do what a teacher or librarian says even if you think it’s stupid. Also he says you shouldn’t tell them out loud that you think it’s stupid. That’s a secret that stays in your head only.

On the way home Dad stops at CVS and buys me a whole bag of gummy worms.

Why?
I ask.

She’s right!
I make a smiley face with my mouth. I deserve these gummy worms because I do spend all my time considering everything. I just don’t always Get It.

I eat one green gummy worm and one red. Their names are Eddie and Talia. I always name my gummy worms before I eat them. When we get home I stuff some in every pocket of my pants so I’ll always have one when I need one. Then I start reading.

There’s a lot of information about the Heart in thirty-two books and I read it all. Here’s what I’m writing down in my Word Study notebook because these are the words I want to study more than eLIMinate and DEVastate:

CHAMbers

AORta

Atria

VENtricles

VEINS

ARteries

VALVES

I also learn that you should exercise right like Devon who plays soccer and baseball and runs almost every day. You should eat good foods like Devon who doesn’t eat nearly as much candy as me. You shouldn’t smoke because it can hurt your Heart and it smells so bad it makes you want to throw up. Devon never throws up but even he says that.

There are many Heart diseases. Some of them you get from smoking and drinking and being fat and not exercising. Some of them you get from an infection. Some of them you get when you’re old. Some problems you’re born with. Most of the diseases you can do something about like take lots of pills. Sometimes a Heart problem happens all of a sudden and there is not much you can do. But you should try to get to a hospital right away to increase your chances of survival.

What I can’t find is how long you can make a Heart work once it is shot and can other body organs take over for it and can a hospital keep you alive without it and are you the same person without it and are you a person at all?

This is all I can find on that topic:

A gunshot wound to the Heart is almost always fatal.

CHAPTER 7

MRS. JOHNSON FINISHES EX-MRS. JOHNSON FINISHES EX - plaining our group project which can be about any animal we choose. She asks us to give her some choices and writes them on the board.

I choose the Heart.

Her marker squeaks to a halt on the whiteboard.
I see,
she says, turning slowly to Look At The Person.
Of what animal?

The class laughs.

She sighs.
I want you to write about an animal. How about a panda?

I shake my head. Can’t she see I’m already drawing a Heart in my notebook?

I shake my head again.

After she writes a bunch more animals on the board she says to break into groups. Everyone moves except me. Mrs. Johnson stands in front of my desk.
Would you like help finding a group?

Someone laughs.

More kids laugh.

Mrs. Johnson narrows her eyes and mouth at them but turns back to me.
Excuse me?

No Thank You.
That’s another sticker for my YOUR MANNERS chart.

Everyone laughs now.

Mrs. Johnson takes a big breath and lets it out.
I want you to be part of a group.

I stare at her hands.

Yes.
I understand what she wants but I also know what I want.

She doesn’t understand. I shake my head.
No.

I sigh and try to explain it so she’ll Get It.
I know that’s what you want but it’s not what I want.