Modern Romance (29 page)

B
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B
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D
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It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens
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C
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A
NDREW
J
.
Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage
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———
.
The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today
. New York: Knopf, 2010.

C
OCKS,
H.
G
.
Classified: The Secret History of the Personal Column
. London: Random House, 2009.

C
OONTZ,
S
TEPHANIE.
Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage
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D
AVIS,
L
AURIE.
Love at First Click: The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating
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D
RUCKERMAN,
P
AMELA.
Lust in Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee
. New York: Penguin Press, 2007.

D
UNBAR,
R
OBIN.
The Science of Love
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F
ISHER,
H
ELEN.
Anatomy of Love
:
A Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery, and Divorce
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———
.
Why Him? Why Her? Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type
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H
AIDT,
J
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The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom.
New York: Basic Books, 2006.

I
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VA.
Why Love Hurts: A Sociological Explanation.
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I
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S
HEENA.
The Art of Choosing
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J
ONES,
D
ANIEL.
Love Illuminated: Exploring Life’s Most Mystifying Subject (with the Help of 50,000 Strangers)
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K
LINENBERG,
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RIC.
Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone
. New York: Penguin Press, 2012.

L
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New Tech, New Ties: How Mobile Communication Is Reshaping Social Cohesion.
Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 2008.

N
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P
EPPER
S
CHWARTZ, AND
J
AMES
W
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The Normal Bar
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The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship
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O
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AUL.
Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Economics I Learned from Online Dating
. Cambridge, MA: Harvard Business Review Press, 2014.

R
OSENFELD,
M
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J
.
The Age of Independence: Interracial Unions, Same-Sex Unions, and the Changing American Family
. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2007.

R
UDDER,
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HRISTIAN.
Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking)
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R
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C
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Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality.
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S
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The Paradox of Choice
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S
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H
ERBERT
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Models of Man: Social and Rational.
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S
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D
AN.
Love in the Time of Algorithms: What Technology Does to Meeting and Mating
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T
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Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other
. New York: Basic Books, 2012.

W
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Data, a Love Story: How I Cracked the Online Dating Code to Meet My Match
. New York: Dutton, 2013.

Note: The page numbers in this index refer to the printed version of this book. To find the corresponding locations in the text of this digital version, please use the “search” function on your e-reader. Note that not all terms may be searchable. Additionally, page numbers in
italics
refer to illustrations and graphs.

A

Abe, Shinzo, 155

adrenaline, 215

adulthood:

early, 126–27

emerging, 16–19, 237

Alfredo (88-year-old), 13, 14

algorithms, 79, 96, 106–9, 118

Allen, Woody, 214

Alone Together
(Turkle), 41, 42, 44, 195

alternative lifestyles, 26

Amelia, going out with friends, 19

Anatomy of Love
(Fisher), 215

Annie Hall
(movie), 214

Ansari, Aziz,
37

comedy club appearances of, 5

search for the best, 124–26, 128–29

answering machines, 60–61

Aron, Art, 143–44

Arpan vs. Dinesh, 91–95, 113, 246

Ashley Madison website, 191

asking someone out, 33–37

attractiveness percentile,
89
, 97, 117–18

B

beekeeper suit, 142

BlackBerry, 38

Blendr, 113

body language, 47

Bossard, James, 14, 15

bozos, 42–48, 53

brain:

algorithm of, 107, 118

declining skills of, 41

and passionate vs. companionate love, 214–15

pleasure centers of, 215

brain scans, 214, 215

breakups, 191–95

Buenos Aires, 170–76

aggressive culture in, 150, 170–72

casual sex in, 175–76

dating culture in, 176

flirting in, 175

histérico/histérica
in, 174–75

living with parents in, 175

love hotels in, 175–76

Stop Street Harassment movement in, 171

technology in, 173

Bullock, Sandra, 144

C

Cacioppo, John, 79, 80

Capilano River, Vancouver, 143–44

careers:

and age of marriage, 17

women and, 19, 24

cheating, 184–91, 203–5

and ease of access, 188

ending the affair, 190

escalation in, 188

and social media, 187, 195

Cherlin, Andrew, 21–22, 24

The Marriage-Go-Round,
22, 221

choice,
see
options

Christmas ornaments, 128–29, 130

classified ads, 72–76,
73

cliques, 135

cohabitation, 221

Cohen, Philip, 220

commitment, 134, 139, 218–19, 223–24, 227

companionate love, 214–18

computer dating services, 71–72

algorithms of, 79

connectivity, 251

control, need for, 58

conversation:

face-to-face, 47, 107–9, 245

phone vs. real-world, 47–48

spontaneous, 41

Coontz, Stephanie, 225, 233

Marriage, A History,
22–23, 224–25

cuddling cafés, 166

D

Dataclysm
(Rudder), 88–89, 93, 97, 101, 105

dating:

best first dates, 141–42

boring dates, 140–43, 145–47

casual, 146

effects of non-boring dates, 143–45

gokon
(Japan), 165–66

hanging out vs., 53–54

initial ask, 33–37,
34
, 42

machikon
(Japan), 165

mobile apps, 109–18,
110

online,
see
online dating

past and present, 27–29

quantity of dates, 145–47

strategies for, 145–47

tiring process of, 94

Davis, Laurie,
Love at First Click,
108

deal breakers, 139–40

decoy stories, 86–87

Derek (OkCupid user), 88–91

digital devices, 29–32

digital paper trail, 198–99

Dinesh vs. Arpan, 91–95, 113, 246

discovery period, 136, 139

divorce rate, 19, 134, 221

don’t ask, don’t tell, 227, 230, 231

dopamine, 214, 215

doubt, seeds of, 233

Druckerman, Pamela,
Lust in Translation,
205

Dutch, Dusty, 237n

Dutton, Don, 143–44

E

early adulthood, 126–27

Eastwick, Paul, 146

Ed and Anne (personal ads), 74–76

education, and age of marriage, 17

Ellsworth, John Jr., 16

emerging adulthood, 16–19, 237

Emilio (Buenos Aires), 173

Endo, Kumiko, 155, 156, 157, 165

equal partnerships, 29

Europe, marriage rates in, 220,
220

exes, 195–98

exhaustion, 91, 94, 211

exposure, fear of, 182

extramarital affairs, by country,
206

F

Facebook, 111, 116, 187–88, 195–96

face-to-face meetings, 107–9, 245

and body language, 47

breaking up via, 192–93

decline in, 195

Feminine Mystique, The
(Friedan), 19

feminism, 19

Finkel, Eli, 106–7

first impressions, 147

Fisher, Helen, 107–8, 109, 117–18, 139–40, 224–25

Anatomy of Love,
215

Flo Rida (rapper), 247

4chan website, 183

France, 205–8

food in, 207

infidelity in, 206,
206
, 208–9, 239–40

initial connections in, 149–50

Friedan, Betty,
The Feminine Mystique,
19

frustration, 26, 245

G

gender stereotypes, 23

generativity, 223

Germany, infidelity in, 206–7,
206

Gershon, Ilana, 193

Gibson, Tyrese, 226

Gilbert, Daniel, 63

Going Solo
(Klinenberg), 221

“good enough,” settling for, 22, 126, 128, 238

Greg (in Wichita), 138

Grindr, 112–13,
113

H

Haidt, Jonathan, 222, 223

The Happiness Hypothesis,
216, 218, 219

hanging out vs. dating, 53–54

happiness, 20–22, 25, 127

Happiness Hypothesis, The
(Haidt), 216, 218, 219

Harding, Warren G., 178

Heather (limited options), 136

hedonism, 222

Hillebrand, Friedhelm, 37

Hinge, 116

honesty, 66, 232

“How Couples Meet and Stay Together” survey, 8

Hunt, Lucy, 146

I

Indecent Proposal
, 204

independence, 18, 24

Industrial Revolution, 23

infidelity, 184–91, 206, 208–9, 239–40

initial ask, 33–37,
34
, 42

follow-up, 56–57

Instagram, 121, 190

interactions, 41

interest:

indicating, 64

indicating lack of, 66–67

Internet research, 64–66, 125–26, 128

introduction services, 108

Iyengar, Sheena, 107, 132

J

James (in Wichita), 138

Japan:

birthrate in, 154

economic decline in, 160, 161

education in, 161

gokon
dating in, 165–66

government-funded dating services in, 155, 165–66

host clubs in, 167

hostess clubs in, 166–67

online dating in, 163–64

prostitution as illegal in, 167, 168–69

relationship replacement in, 166–67

rice cookers in, 163–64,
164

see also
Tokyo

Jimmy (in Monroe), 137–38, 147

job search, 129–30, 132

Johnson, Dwayne “The Rock,” 197,
197

Jones, James Earl, 2,
2

Jose (75-year-old), 14

Jurassic Park
hotel (Tokyo), 152,
152

K

Klinenberg, Eric:

Going Solo,
221

and research project, 7

Koji (Tokyo bartender), 161–62

Kremen, Gary, 78

L

life partner, 222–23

lifestyles, alternative, 26

long-distance relationships, 229

Los Angeles:

average age of marriage in, 134

online dating in, 138

options available in, 137

love:

changing expectations about, 23–24

falling in, 21, 222

intensity of, 219,
219
,
220
, 221,
222
,
224

marrying for, 26, 29

passionate vs. companionate, 214–18,
216
, 219–20, 223, 232

wanting more than, 239

Love at First Click
(Davis), 108

Love in the Time of Algorithms
(Slater), 96

Lust in Translation
(Druckerman), 205

M

Macri, Mauricio, 171

Margaret (on Tinder), 137

marriage:

and alternative lifestyles, 26

arranged, 123–24, 139, 156

average age of, 16–17,
17
, 126, 134, 221

and bond between families, 22–23

changing attitudes about, 156

commitment in, 139, 218–19

companionate vs. soul mate, 20–22, 25

declining rates of, 220–21,
220

and divorce, 19, 134, 221

as economic institution, 25

and family, 22, 24, 25, 26

financial security in, 221

geographic distribution of,
15

“good enough,” 22, 126, 238

for love, 26, 29

need for, 218–23, 238

and online dating, 245

open, 227–28

other priorities intervening, 17

patterns of mate searches, 13–16,
15

search for soul mate and, 20–22, 25

societal pressure toward, 22, 25, 135

as status symbol, 221

trouble in, 25

unmarried state, stigma of, 135

and women, 18–19, 22, 238

Marriage, A History
(Coontz), 22–23, 224–25

Marriage-Go-Round, The
(Cherlin), 22, 221

Martin’s Potato Rolls, 127

Match.com, 8, 70, 78–79, 96

Mateen, Justin, 111–12

mate poaching, 204

“mate value,” 146–47

maturity, 223

maximizers, 128–30

men:

bozos, 42–48, 53

and Grindr, 112–13,
113

as heads of household, 22

herbivore (Tokyo), 157–61

intimidated by strong women, 162–63

living with their mothers, 160, 161

in online dating, 88–90, 91

shy and passive (Tokyo), 157, 159, 166

stud mentality, 90

uninhibited (Buenos Aires), 172

messaging strategy, 105–6

Miguel (in Wichita), 135

misery, 131

Mitterrand, François, 208

mobile dating apps, 109–18,
110

monogamish, use of term, 228–29, 233

monogamy, 224–34

Monroe, New York, 133, 134–38

monster truck rallies, 140,
140

N

narration, 222, 223

neurotransmitters, 214

New York City:

average age of marriage in, 134

online dating in, 138

options available in, 131

Nick and Chelsea (friends), 30–31

Nicole and Aaron (texting), 50–51

Nokia, 38

O

OkCupid, 8, 71, 88–90, 93–94, 97, 108, 116

older generations:

interviews of, 12–16, 18, 20, 27

invitations by phone or in person to, 36

limited options of, 133

and online dating, 84

open sexual relations in, 227–28,
228

and technology, 242

online dating, 69–70

algorithms, 106–9

attractiveness percentile,
89
, 97, 117–18

changes introduced by, 18, 240–42

checklist, 97

as introduction service, 245–46

investing time and effort in, 147

in Japan, 163–64

knowledge and skills needed for, 96–97

and marriage, 245

messaging strategy, 105–6

not knowing what you want, 96–97

options in, 26, 245–46

parameters of, 97

problems with, 88–91, 94

profile information, 106–7

profile photos, 97–105

rise of, 71–79,
78

self-promotion in, 163

social stigma with, 86–87, 137

superficiality in, 117–18

swiping apps, 109–10, 116–18

and thin markets, 84–85

today, 79–84

user ratings in, 89

online research, before first date, 64–66

open relationships, 227–28, 229–33

options:

alternative choices, 132–33

and decision making, 131, 132, 246–48

evaluating, 138, 139–40

expanding pool of, 17–18

exploring, 145, 233, 249

going overboard with, 129

for initial ask, 34,
34

investing time in, 137–38

limited, 133–39

in relationships, 130–32

research on, 107, 130

and settling down, 213

too many, 28, 31–32, 94, 127–29, 131, 132, 190–91, 213, 239

P

Paltrow, Gwyneth, 136

Papworth, Neil, 37

Paradox of Choice, The
(Schwartz), 127–32, 233

paranoia, 200–201, 233

Paris,
see
France

partnerships, equal, 29

passion, 214–18, 219–20, 223, 232

passwords, sharing, 201

Perel, Esther, 25

perfection, quest for, 25, 131

phones, 29–32, 34–36

answering machines, 60–61

breaking up a relationship via, 191–95

dating via, 42

impressions gotten via, 47, 48

peak usage of, 40

and privacy, 177, 178, 189

real world vs., 47–48, 177, 241

safe zones, 190

smartphones, 31–32, 38, 128, 178, 179, 240–42

and snooping, 198–203, 239

and text messages, 37–42

and voicemail messages, 40

phone self vs. real-world self, 47–48, 177, 241

Photoshop, 196–97

Pingeot, Anne, 208

Pingeot, Mazarine, 207

Pitbull, 234,
234
, 240

placeholders, 231

playing hard to get, 58–59