Modern Romance (30 page)

Precious,
238

pretend to be busy, 66, 67

privacy, 118–22, 177, 178, 187, 189, 191

profile photos, 97–105,
98
,
99
,
100
,
101
,
102
,
103
,
104
,
105

promiscuity, 234

Q

Qatar:

dating in, 118–22

parental supervision in, 119–20

technology in, 121–22

women in burkas in, 121

R

Rachel and Will (texting), 42–44

Rad, Sean, 111

reciprocity principle, 63

Reddit:

subreddit forum, 7, 20, 53, 54, 55, 56, 65, 91, 115, 141, 180–81, 187, 190, 193, 229–30

Reeve, Keanu, 144

rejection, 66–67, 161, 256

relationship replacement industry (Japan), 166–67

relationships:

breaking up via phone, 191–95

cheating in,
see
cheating

cohabitation, 221

committed, 223–24

equal partnerships, 29

life partner, 222–23

long-distance, 229

and love,
see
love

marriage,
see
marriage

open, 227–28, 229–33

paradox of choice in, 130–32

putting time and effort into, 138, 139, 147, 218, 246–48

research on, 144

same-sex, 84–85,
85

settling down, 211, 212

sustained interactions, 146

research:

anonymity in, 7

on choice, 107, 130

delimitations of, 9

design of, 7

focus groups and interviews in, 7, 27–29, 157

Internet, 64–66, 125–26

online, before first date, 64–66

on sex and attraction, 215

surveys of couples, 8, 144

retirement community:

interviews conducted in, 12–16, 18, 20, 27

see also
older generations

romance:

effects of technology on, 6

expanding pool of options for, 17–18

“fantasy” person as object of, 131

peaking, 220

Rosenfeld, Michael, 80, 84, 85, 88

Rosin, Hanna, 184

Rudder, Christian,
Dataclysm,
88–89, 93, 97, 101, 105

Ryan (in Los Angeles), 137

S

safety, concerns about, 108

safe zones, 190

same-sex relationships, 84–85,
85

satisfaction, 222

satisficers, 128, 129–30

Sato, Masanobu, 168

Savage, Dan, 225–26, 227–29, 232–33, 240

scarcity principle, 64

Schüll, Natasha, 60–61

Schwartz, Barry,
The Paradox of Choice,
127–32, 233

screens, 29–32, 34

search for soul mate, 11–12,
15
, 26–29, 236–37, 238

algorithms, 106–9, 118

brain in, 107

changing process of, 6, 12, 24, 79–84,
80
,
81
,
82
,
83
,
85
, 91

emotional investment in, 25

investing time in, 137–38

and marriage, 20–22

in neighborhood, 13–16,
15
, 81, 82, 118, 236

not knowing what you want, 96–97, 236

and online dating,
see
online dating

by phone, 29–32

in real world, 246

in same apartment complex, 13

in same building, 14

seeking the best, 126–31

stressful process of, 29

second-guessing, 67

self-promotion, 163

settling down, 209–34

and companionate love, 214–18

fear of settling, 213–14

as frightening prospect to the author, 212, 235

sex and attraction, studies of, 215

sex robots (Tokyo), 166

sex shops and toys (Japan), 168

sexting, 178–84

betrayal of trust in, 182–84

easier for some, 181, 182

generation gap in attitudes toward, 184

privacy and distance in, 180–82

reasons for, 180

sexual novelty, urges for, 227, 230, 232

Short Message Service (SMS) [texting], 37–39

silence, 66

Simon, Herbert, 127–28

single life, 221

Slater, Dan,
Love in the Time of Algorithms,
96

smartphones, 31–32, 38, 128, 178, 179, 240–42

Snapchat, 121–22

snooping, 198–203, 239

Soapland (Tokyo), 167–68

social anxiety, 41

social groups, meeting through, 94–95

social media, 31, 79

breaking up via, 192, 193

and cheating, 187, 195

and connectivity, 251

digital paper trail on, 198–99

and other options, 190–91

and snooping, 198–203

“unfriending” on, 195

social stigma, 86–87, 135, 137

Socrates, 58–59

“Some Evidence for Heightened Sexual Attraction Under Conditions of High Anxiety,” 143–44

Sotomayor, Sonia, 198,
198

soul mate:

changing criteria for, 20, 23, 25

deep connection with, 20–21

falling in love with, 21

marriage, 20–22, 25

search for,
see
search for soul mate

truly special, 21

stalkers, 69

Statham, Jason, 196,
196

Stevie (69-year-old), 14

Stop Street Harassment, 171

Straight White Boys Texting, 44–45, 49, 117

stress, 25, 29

stud mentality, 90

subreddit forum, 7, 20, 53, 54, 55, 56, 65, 91, 115, 141, 180–81, 187, 190, 193, 229–30

Sushisho Masa, Japan, 169

swiping apps, 109–10, 116–18

T

Tanya (not real name), 1–6, 67–68, 235

technology:

changes in, 6, 18, 128, 239–40

and connectivity, 251

and digital paper trail, 198–99

hours in front of screens, 29–30

negative attitude about, 242–45

and privacy, 118–22

Tenga Corporation, Japan, 168

text messages, 35, 36, 37–39

after the initial ask, 56–57

before meeting off-line, 108

breaking up via, 192, 193

content unimportant in, 42

doubling response time, 58

endless back-and-forth, 52–53, 245

endless banter in, 50–52

firm invitation to specific event, 54–55

generic “hey,” 48–49

humor in, 56

messaging strategy, 105–6

phones vs., 37–42

playing games with, 241–42

real person as recipient of, 240

reference to previous call, 55

separation in, 44

sexting, 178–84

and snooping, 199–203

spelling, punctuation, grammar errors in, 47, 53

waiting for response, 58–64

thin markets, 84–85

Thombre, Amarnath, 96

Tinder, 109–18

attitudes toward, 114, 137

conception of, 111–12

focus-group quotes about, 114–16

gamelike aspect of, 114, 117–18

mutual-interest requirement, 113

Tokyo:

cuddling cafés in, 166

dating in, 151–70

decline in sexual interest in, 150, 153–55, 169

food scene in, 169–70

herbivore men in, 157–61

history and current state of marriage in, 156–70

Jurassic Park
hotel in, 152,
152

love hotels in, 152, 153

ramen shops in, 157

Robot Restaurant in, 151,
151

sex robots in, 166

sex shops and toys in, 168, 169–70

Soapland, 167–68

see also
Japan

tour rules, 229

trust, betrayal of, 183–84, 199

Turkle, Sherry,
Alone Together,
41, 42, 44, 195

U

uncertainty, 63

“unique value,” 146–47

United Arab Emirates, social media in, 122

upgrade problem, 213

user ratings, 89

V

Van Der Beek, James,
Varsity Blues,
223

variety, 230

Victoria (68-year-old), 13–14, 19–20

virginity, 23

voicemail messages, 40

W

waiting, 58–59

Weiner, Anthony, 178, 185–86, 189

Whitchurch, Erin, 63

Wichita, Kansas, 133–38

Willer, Robb, 140

Wilson, Timothy, 63

Wolfe, Whitney, 112

women:

in burkas, 121

careers of, 19, 24

dependency of, 19

education of, 24

equality of, 24

financial security sought by, 23, 24

Japanese, 162–63

living alone (1960s), 18

and marriage, 18–19, 22, 238

nude photos on Internet, 183–84

in online dating, 88–90

roles of, 19, 22

and sex on first date, 172

strong and intimidating, 162–63

and Tinder, 113, 137

traditional roles of, 238

and uncertainty, 63

and virginity, 23

workplace, finding mates in, 132, 135, 156–57

Wortham, Jenna, 179–80

X

Xenophon, 58

Y

younger generation:

losing social skills, 41

texting, 35, 36

Z

Zen vibes, 95

Page
2
: Everett Collection/Shutterstock.com

Page
37
,
156
: Courtesy of the author

Pages
45
,
46
,
49
: http://straightwhiteboystexting.tumblr.com/

Page
70
: A and N Photography/Shutterstock.com

Page
73
: Courtesy of the
Beaver County Times

Pages
76
,
78
: Stills drawn from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bomkgXeDkE

Page
98 (top left)
: Courtesy of Anna Sacks

Pages
98 (top right
,
bottom left
,
bottom right)
,
99
,
100 (both images)
,
101 (both)
,
102
,
103
: Used with permission

Page
104
: © 2/Pete Atkinson/Ocean/Corbis and Jeffrey Waibel/Thinkstock (composite)

Page
105
: © George Steinmetz/Corbis and Paulo Rosende/Thinkstock (composite)

Page
110
: Courtesy of Tinder

Page
113
: Courtesy of Grindr LLC

Page
140
: Natursports/Shutterstock.com

Page
151
: “Charge of the Fembots, Robot Restaurant, Shinjuku, Tokyo, Japan” by Cory Doctorow, licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Shake Alike 2.0 license < http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Charge_of_the_fembots_Robot_Restaurant,_Shinjuku_Tokyo.jpg>

Page
152
: Levent Konuk, 3dalia, and etse1112/Thinkstock

Page
164
: trailexplorers/Shutterstock.com

Page
196
: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images. Background photo courtesy of Matt and Meg Lane.

Page
197 (top)
: Barry King/FilmMagic/Getty Images. Background photo courtesy of Matt and Meg Lane.

Page
197 (bottom)
: Ethan Miller/Getty Images. Background photo courtesy of Matt and Meg Lane.

Page
198
: United States Government. Background photo courtesy of Matt and Meg Lane.

Page
228
: Lisa F. Young/Shutterstock.com

Page
234
: Jeff Bottari/WireImage/Getty Images

*
My Bubba Sparxxx tattoo is a constant reminder.

*
In her first draft Friedan named the problem Hampton, but her editors told her it wasn’t catchy enough.

*
Yep. Alfredo.

*
The highlight being a video of a group of kids who turned their door into a “door monster” that gave out Halloween candy. The door was old-timey and had two smaller shutters in the upper left and right that opened, and they put eyes in them and then put a brown felt–covered arm that poked out through another opening so it was a “door monster” giving out candy. It was pretty cute.

*
This experiment has made it very clear that the majority of my day is spent on my phone or laptop trying to figure out both
where
and with
whom
I am dining.

*
To be clear, this was not a pimp named Socrates but the esteemed philosopher—that said, Socrates is kind of a good pimp name.

*
To be clear, Tanya and I are still friends and she’s a very nice person.

*
NOTE: Since this is just a stock image of an Indian guy, I’m legally required to mention that though I have said this is what my stalker would probably look like, this guy is
not
actually a stalker. He’s just an Indian guy who sometimes gets paid to pose with a laptop for stock photography.

*
Less beautiful but equally fascinating: “Jewish + zip code” is also a popular search phrase on aryanhousehunters.com, the real estate site for anti-Semites.

*
Jewish 90046 is also the name of the least intimidating Terminator model of all time.

*
UPDATE: I showed this passage to my friend Matt Murray, who brought up a great point. After reading this section, he wrote me this eye-opening note: “In this case, isn’t ‘Don’ an honorific, like ‘Don Julio’ or ‘Don Corleone’? So, I think the guy would be right to change ‘Juan’ to ‘Juanita.’ Weirdly the part he got wrong was the ‘Donna’ part, which should, I believe, be ‘Doña.’” Wow. Thanks Matt. Who could have ever guessed how deep this rabbit hole would go?

*
NOTE: The next day I had Il Corvo for lunch and it was very delicious.

*
NOTE: If you listen to the audiobook version of this, I’m not going to say, “Read in a scary Aziz whisper voice,” or this note, because I’m just going to do the actual voice, and I think it should be pretty terrifying.

*
Aziz Ansari, “I Ate a Lot of Fucking Delicious Food in Tokyo,” 2014, unpublished.

*
If the Japanese dude who decides what emojis go on the iPhone is reading this, can I make a plea for a turbanless brown-guy emoji? Would be very useful for me. No offense to the turban-dude emoji or any real-life dudes who wear turbans, who are surely grateful for that emoji’s existence.