Mollywood (19 page)

I inhaled through my nose and exhaled through my mouth. The urge to lose my temper and tell her exactly what I was thinking was almost overwhelming. She was glossing over everything like the babies were our downfall and it was far from the truth. We’d been busy and I’d been busy getting things ready for the babies. She blew this all off as if it didn’t matter. Somehow I suppressed the urge to explode, when I really wanted to shake some sense into her. With serious effort I kept my voice level. “I’m right here, Molly.”

“Sure, now you are…but you’ve been avoiding me for a while. I’m not sure what I did that made you climb back inside your shell. You told me you
wanted
me to have the twins.”

“I do.” I snapped, unable to keep the exasperation out of my reply. I glared at her in silence, and she flushed bright red and turned back to face Dr. Greene.

She looked down at her hands and her voice quivered just a little when she spoke “I feel really alone. Even when he’s with me. He knows things are off, but he acts like I’m imagining things. I just can’t understand why he won’t talk to me and I was hoping you could help.”

Dr. Greene looked at me and raised that damndable eyebrow of his. This was my cue to have some grand revelation, some epiphany that would show my inner growth. But that was Dr. Phil bullshit and it wasn’t fair to have them both back me into a corner.

I knew I needed to dig deep and be frank. ‘For my own good’ they said. ‘Let it all out’ they said. That was a bunch of bullshit. People didn’t really want you to do that. What they wanted was for you to be all right so that they didn’t have to feel bad about your pain. It was a shitty way to be treated and honestly all this pressure was the last thing I expected from Molly. Dr. Greene? Yeah, he was an asshole at times, but never Molly.

“Joe,” Dr. Greene leaned back in his chair and looked at me. “Molly has told me how she feels, can you do the same?”

“Well, my girlfriend just said that I make her feel abandoned and alone. How do you think that makes me feel?” The venom I spewed didn’t ease the sting I felt,

I had very little reserve left and this meeting was going in a very bad direction. Dr. Myers had lectured us both that Molly needed to avoid stress. Having twins automatically classified her as high risk, so the last thing she needed was an angry outburst or any of my grief bullshit. Dr. Greene pursed his lips and I recognized the look. He wasn’t going to be put off by my dodge. Heaving a deep sigh I threw my hands up.

“What the hell do you guys want from me?” It came out softly, as I tried to keep from raising my voice in anger. “You both know about my past… the things I carry with me. So I’m trying to take care of Molly and make sure she isn’t stressed and yet, I fail…again.”

Molly leaned over and put her hand on the side of my face, turning it toward her. Leaning forward she pinned my gaze.

“Joe, I’m not trying to pick on you. Please don’t feel that way. I wasted a lot of time making myself into something I’m not just to try and please someone else. I don’t want to do the same thing again…but I don’t want
you
to do that either.”

“I’m not doing that. All I’m trying to do is take care of you. And you fight me every step of the way.” Molly reacted in angry surprise, but I hurried on before she could interrupt. “You work too hard, on your feet all day and in the heat. It worries me. When I try to help, you yell at me. I set up multiple house showings after searching for places we both might like and you talk about getting a place by yourself. You push me away constantly and then get angry at me for not losing my temper with you. Exactly what is it that you want me to do?”

I slammed my lips together, stopping the verbal barrage before it got any worse. My stomach had become a painful, twisting weight of nausea. I waited for Dr. Greene to berate me or for Molly to burst out crying. Instead, both of them looked at me in shock with a touch of approval.

“It’s a valid question, Molly,” Dr. Greene interjected. “What is it that you want Joe to do?”

Molly paused, and actually seemed to ponder his question. Perhaps she was just selecting her words.

“For one,” She replied red face and haughty, “I want him to realize I’m not a damn China doll. I’m not going to break just because I’m pregnant.”

“That’s a very common complaint, Molly.” Dr. Greene’s attempt to unruffle her feathers caused her to sit back and fold her arms. “Most pregnant women I’ve known struggle with when to accept help and how to gracefully reject unwanted coddling. Joe’s not dysfunctional in this regard.”

Molly pinked noticeably, and nodded reluctantly. Turning in my direction, she gently touched my thigh. “Joe, I
want
to be with you. These babies need both their parents. But in order to work things out we need to be a team. Not Mighty Joe and his swooning damsel in distress. Do I need help sometimes? Absolutely. But guess what? So do you.”

There was an air of desperation to her voice that helped to keep my anger in check. I saw the fear she normally kept hidden threatening to overfill and spill from her like a forgotten faucet. Tears welled in the corner of her eyes and I pulled her into my arms, forgetting Dr. Greene was even in the room

“I love you, Molly. I want to protect you, and I want to protect the twins. Even if it’s impossible, I need to try. I won’t apologize for that. And I don’t plan to stop trying,
ever
, so you’d better get used to it.”

She graced me with a tremulous smile, and I felt the need to add another caveat. “I know I’m not doing any of this right, but how I’m behaving isn’t meant to make you unhappy. I’ll try to meet you somewhere in the middle. That’s all I can promise.”

We talked for a few more minutes, the doc asking a few more detailed questions even picking up his notebook to jot down his notes as always. The questions seemed mostly about my behavior and my reactions. Finally, Dr. Greene tossed down his pen and pulled off his glasses.

“The most important thing is that you both came here to build a healthy relationship. The fact that you’re both committed to that goal is a very big deal. We’re just about out of time, but if you don’t mind, Joe, I’d like a few minutes alone with Molly. She’s at a severe disadvantage considering all the hours we’ve logged together. Do you mind?”

I minded.

I minded a lot.

There was a definitive roar of anger that issued forth from the dark cave in the back of my head at the thought.

“Sure.” I shrugged, barely suppressing the violent urge to throw the nearest chair through his window. The thought of Molly confiding in anyone but me was abhorrent, but I’d learned the hard way that change was both painful and necessary. Additionally, Molly sat relaxed, as if she had no intention of leaving until she had talked to Dr. Greene alone no matter what my response was. I climbed out of my seat and stalked in the direction of the door. I didn’t stop, nor did I look back as I spoke. “I’ll be in the truck.”

“There’s mama! Are you ready to see those babies?” The tech asked, as Molly came out of the restroom where she’d just changed into a gown. She looked the fit little redhead up and down and I swore I saw her shoulders slumped.

“All I can think about is how much I need to pee. I’m seriously about to piss myself.” The tech blatted a surprised laugh and slapped a hand over her mouth.

“You can go on in and relieve your bladder a little. Just don’t empty it completely. With two babies, you don’t need to retain nearly as much urine for us to get good images.”

Molly didn’t have to be told twice. She instantly vanished back into the restroom. I slumped back in my chair and glanced around the dimly lit room. There was nothing at all to look at, and when I glanced in her direction, the ultrasound tech smiled at me in a flirty manner. I nodded at her, a completely neutral expression locked on my face. Had Molly been there, I was sure she would’ve gone ballistic. Luckily, she was tucked away in the restroom rather than psychoanalyzing my every move.

All week long, Molly had been watching me, studying every expression that crossed my face. Then she’d press me on what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I found her arm chair psychoanalysis unnerving, and it was actually a relief not to be in the same room with her. The minute I acknowledged this murky thought, I was consumed with guilt. The scrub clad girl leaned provocatively across from me, deliberately displaying the waistband of her thong. She glanced over her shoulder seductively and cocked an auburn eyebrow. I flushed and looked away, immediately ashamed. I wondered if I was giving off some vibe that made her think it was acceptable to hit on me and felt like a tool.

The bathroom door swung open and Molly appeared again with a near-orgasmic sigh.

“So much better!” She beamed, her bright smile searing into me like a brand. When her eyes met mine, the smile evaporated. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Nothing.” In a hurry to have her as a human shield, I stood and helped her onto the table with a sly grin. “I’m just anxious to see Thing 1 and Thing 2.”

She snorted. “I didn’t peg
you
for a Dr. Seuss fan.”

“Isn’t everyone? You better get on board, little girl, because kids love ‘The Seuss’.” I leaned in and kissed her nose. Trying to lighten the mood, I decided to revisit the conversation we had about baby names on the way over. “So…if they’re boys, what about Han Solo and Obi-wan Kenobi Jensen?”

“Keep dreaming, fanboy.” Molly chuckled until the overly-friendly tech, who was scowling at Molly, squirted way too much gel onto her belly. “Ahhh! That’s freezing!”

“Sorry.” The girl muttered unconvincingly, and scurried to the keyboard. Molly frowned after her and turned to me, shaking her head as if she thought the girl were an idiot. After a minute of typing in information, the tech began to move the Doppler over Molly’s belly.

I rolled my stool as close to the exam table as I could get and reached for Molly’s hand. She smiled as I took it and pulled it to my lips. I leaned in close and together we settled in and watched the screen intently.

As the monitor lit up with the familiar black and white image, I felt a memory stir. The first time I had seen this…with Jack…I’d been surprised that it looked like a live X-ray. The vivid recollection about Jack was like a lightning bolt burning through my heart. My hand clenched Molly’s as the room flickered back and forth in my vision. Molly wavered out of focus for a moment and Jessica suddenly lay on the bed before me. The false image lasted for just an instant, but it left me breathless.

The flash of the past wasn’t about Jess, well, at least not most of it. I had spent a lot of hours staring at the last few swallows in whiskey bottles thinking about her. Her beauty, the way she whispered to me in the dark. Her betrayal was something I figured I would learn to live with eventually. But Jack was an entirely different story. I ached for Jack, and I long ago realized his loss was permanent damage that would never heal. The intense memory of Jack’s ultrasound…the vision of Jessica on the table…it felt like an omen. A warning of danger to come. Molly flinched on the table and when she winced, it felt like my heart stopped beating.

“What is it?” The words came out a little sharper than I intended and both Molly and the tech looked up at me in alarm.

“Nothing Joe, it just feels a little…uncomfortable doesn’t begin to cover it. Awkward is a better word.” Molly sounded calm and she ran her thumb over my knuckles as she silently scrutinized me. The tech tried to give me a reassuring smile and nodded to the screen.

“You wanted to know the sex of the babies, right?”

“Yes!” Molly blurted whipping her head in the direction of the monitor and the tech raised her eyebrows, turning to me as if for confirmation.

“You heard the lady.” I bit my lip nervously, and she nodded. She pressed the device further into Molly belly. Molly gripped me a little harder, but her eyes remained glued to the screen. I turned my attention reluctantly away from her to the monitor, and saw the profile of one of our babies. I broke into gooseflesh and my jaw dropped as I stared in awe. I could see every bone in its spine and I broke into a sweat as I watched the tiny person squirm fitfully. The tech seemed bothered by the hyperactive little squirt and actually wiggled the wand in her hand.

“Come on, little baby. Turn around just a little bit further.” The girl mumbled to herself, squinting at the screen and typing several keystrokes. Occasionally, she’d click the mouse and she seemed to be taking measurements of various bones.

“Okay,” She said a couple of minutes later. Her voice oozed confidence, “Do you see this?”

She indicated to the screen and Molly and I both leaned in. I squinted to make sense of the picture.

“Yeah?” I replied completely clueless, my anxious tone urging her to go on.

“Baby A is most definitely a boy.” She announced proudly, as if she were about to whip out bubble gum cigars.

My heart rate, which had just returned to normal, after my acid free flashback, shot up and leapt into my throat. I turned to Molly, whose eyes were wide with wonder. She wrapped her arm around my neck and squeezed, but I barely felt it.