Moonshine (6 page)

             
“At least I will be going back to school. I’ll get to see all my friends.” I lied. Inwardly I was cringing at the thought. I wanted to spend forever sulking in my room, but since they won’t let me then this was the only thing I could give them. The year would be over before we knew it and I wouldn’t have to look at them ever again. Maybe I could even move away from this whole damn town, and leave all the bad memories here.

             
“Yes, I think seeing your friends would be a good thing. What do you think, Dear.” I looked at dad waiting for his answer. I put on my saddest face, but I knew I wouldn’t have to. I was daddy’s girl. He’d see things my way.

             
He winked at me. “Sounds really good kiddo, I think getting out of this house will do you some good.”

             
“Are you sure about quitting the squad though?” Mom asked. I held up my broken wrist. “Good point,” she said and I dodged that bullet.

             
“You know, Moon will be going back to school Monday too. He hasn’t been back since the funeral, but I took a pie over to Lisa yesterday and she said he was anxious to get back to school. I bet you could ride with him,” Mom suggested.

             
“No,” I nearly yelled, not meaning too. “I mean, I think I would rather drive myself. Since the accident I think I may feel safer if I drove myself, you know?”

             
“That’s fine, Honey. I’m sure that it will take you some time to get used to the idea. I bet that Moon will be glad to have you back. Lisa said that he has missed you something awful.” I stood up because well, I have heard about all I can stand to hear.

             
“I better go get a shower. I only have one more day before I have to go back to school.” I smiled, putting my best face forward. I don’t know how long I could put on the charade for them, but for now it would have to work.

             
And so it begins. Another day at school and I would rather scratch my eyeballs out of my head with a S.O.S pad, than be there. I got up extra early and put on the first ratty old thing I could find in my closet. The only thing familiar about me would be my boots. Moon got me a pair of brown cowboy boots two Christmas’s ago and I have hardly went a day without them. They are worn out and have lost most of their charm, but I still love’em. I slid them on under my jeans, and slid the t-shirt over my head. The shirt said, Welcome to Davis County, The Best Town Around. Corny I know, but everyone in this town owns one so I can only hope that someone else will be wearing one too. This way no one will pay any attention to me. I grabbed my phone off the charger and my car keys and headed for the car. I figured that if I could get out of the house without mom seeing me, I could avoid this morning Q&A. Which I can assure you would be torturous. 

             
I tiptoed out of my bedroom, closing the door behind me. Everything still seemed pretty dark around the house. Dad already left for work I’m sure, and if I am lucky mom is still in bed. I grabbed a bottle of water and quietly exited out the back door. Once I got inside the car and started the engine, I knew that I had made a clean escape. I’d be an hour early too school, but it was worth it.

             
Being behind the wheel felt eerie, and I held the steering wheel with a death grip. I could feel the sweat building between my fingertips. I tried not to think about the wreck, but I was alone, in the car, driving, and I would be lying if I didn’t say I was scared shitless. I’m pretty sure that the entire ride to school was spent driving like a tractor on Sundays.

             
When I pulled into the school parking lot it was empty. I pulled my car up as close to the building as I could get, in hopes that if things became too hard it wouldn’t take too long to get away. You never know when you may need a clean getaway. Sitting there in my car I realized that I hadn’t really thought this whole thing through. I would have to see everyone, and pretend to be okay. My stomach was knotted up just thinking about it. I wondered what Melody and the rest of the girls on the squad would say. Hopefully, I could avoid all confrontations. Surely the cast on my arm would be enough to let them know I wasn’t coming back to cheer. 

             
I turned the radio up louder and leaned my head against the steering wheel. Only thirty minutes before people would start to arrive and I already felt like I could panic. My breathing picked up and suddenly the car started to feel way too small. I opened the door quickly and nearly threw myself out of it trying to catch my breath. One pill just wouldn’t be enough for what I would have to face today. Frantically, I searched through my bag for the small brown bottle of pills. They made me feel like a zombie, but I couldn’t complain. Feeling anything at all is a plus. Lately I am only able to feel one of two ways. Either I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and that I may die, or I feel like a zombie. I took one of the little white pills from the bottle and swallowed it quickly. It would only take about fifteen minutes and I would be good to go. The feeling couldn’t come soon enough.

             
I got into first period before anyone and found a seat in the back row, closest to the door. I wanted to know where I could run if I needed to. There was only one person I would have to worry about seeing in this class and it was Katie. Out of everyone on the squad, she and I were the closest. I know that she would be genuinely concerned about me, but it doesn’t make it any easier to talk about. If I have to pick one person to talk to today it would be her.

             
I hunched down into my seat, and watched as everyone came into the room. Slowly the class began to fill up and I just thanked my lucky stars that I took a happy pill. I know that without it I wouldn’t last five minutes in this hell.

             
The glares that I was getting weren’t nearly as bad as the snickers heard all around the room. I knew they were talking about me and I tried not to make eye contact. I closed my eyes for just a moment hoping that I could get away. A hand brushed against my arm causing me too jump. I opened my eyes to see Katie standing next to me. Her eyes had a look of concern.

             
“Glad your back, Shine.”

             
“I’d be lying if I said I was glad to be back.” I didn’t even attempt to smile. What’s the use?

             
“Whether you want to be here or not,” she whispered, “I am still glad. It may not seem like much now, but for what it’s worth, I care. I tried to come and visit once, but your mom said that you didn’t want to see anybody. I understood. I just missed you, and I was worried. If or when you need someone, I’m here.” She gave me a slight wave and started to walk away.

             
“Katie, wait.” I turned to speak directly to her. “I may not show it now or possibly ever, and no one in this whole fucked up world may ever understand, but thanks. I truly mean it.” The tears were on the brink of spilling out, but somehow I kept them back. She didn’t. Her tears fell freely down her face and I wasn’t able to look at her anymore. At least she knew. I turned around in my seat and faced forward. Back to my main focus; just get through this day.

             
After the bell rang, I stayed after class to get my missing assignments. I was thinking maybe I could bury myself waist deep in homework. Surely that would be a good distraction. Turns out in this class I hadn’t missed much. Homework wasn’t the real reason I stayed after. I was seriously just prolonging the inevitable, second period and Moon. I know right.

             
Breathing deeply and putting one foot in front of the other, I stepped out into the hall. I bypassed my locker all together and went straight to second. The bell rang about two seconds after I walked into class, and I immediately realized that I should have come earlier. The class was already full, and guess who saved me a seat.

             
I scanned the room once and the feeling made me sick. People were staring at me like I had a disease. My feet felt glued to the floor. As bad as I wanted to move them and take my seat, I struggled. Finally, when my feet no longer resisted I made my way to the far corner where Moon was waiting. The people talking bothered me so badly and I so desperately wanted to yell, and tell them all to shut the hell up. I’m not even sure why they were talking about me to begin with. It was just a car accident. Yes someone died, but they act like the entire thing was my fault. That I had some sort of control over the situation.

             
Quickly sitting down, I tried my best not to make any kind of eye contact with Moon. I knew all too well that his eyes were settled on me. The emotions were crashing into me so hard that I wasn’t sure I would be able to hang on much longer. Surely mom wouldn’t punish me for leaving early. It’s only my first day back, she can’t expect too much too soon.

             
I tapped my ink pen on my desk lightly, but even the constant beating sound wouldn’t help me breathe any better. The panic attack was starting. First there was a humming in my ears, which was never a good sign. Then I felt the tingling sensation all over my whole body. My heart was racing so fast that I felt like it could beat out of my chest. That feeling that you are about to die takes over in your brain and there is nothing you can do. You just hope that it consumes you quickly and without fail. Once the tunnel vision set in, it was all that I could do to breathe on my own. I remember the doctor telling me once that only I could make these feelings go away. He told me that I could control my panic attacks, but when you are so deep into one it is hard to believe that.

             
I was trying everything I could think of to snap out of it. I could hear what sounded like Moon’s voice talking, but it was a jumbled mess. It sounded more like a humming noise than actual words. I put my head onto the desk and closed my eyes tightly.
Please, just go away.

9

Moon

              When she walked into the classroom my first thought was that I couldn’t believe that she was here. I saw her car in the parking lot and saved her a seat, but I truly thought that maybe I was crazy. It sure seems that way lately. She looked lost and scared, but she was still the most beautiful thing in the room. Her long brown hair was straight and hung down the sides of her face. It looked like she was hiding behind it. I could hear people laughing around the room. I know one thing. I better not hear one single bad word spoken about her, or I swear that I will beat somebody’s ass.

             
Watching her was like seeing a deer in the road when your lights are shinning straight into his eyes. It’s a bad look.
Come on Shine, you can do it. Put one foot in front of the other.
I finally took a breath when I saw her walk towards me. God, I miss this girl so much.

             
When she finally sat down, I relaxed in my chair. Leaning back, I couldn’t help but stare at her. I didn’t want to take my eyes off of her because I was afraid she wouldn’t be there if I did. I watched as she nervously fidgeted with her pen and tapped it on her desk. She seemed so off, so different than I have ever seen her. I looked away only to find myself looking back. Just watching her was making me nervous. Something wasn’t right. I swear that I could hear her breathing. They were coming out fast and loud. She rubbed her good hand on the desk, while the other one was clenched tightly in a fist. It was almost like she was trying to keep herself together. Her face was as white as a ghost.

             
“Shine, are you okay?” I asked but she wasn’t responding. I leaned in a little closer and noticed that her eyebrows were scrunched together real tight. “Shine Baby, can you hear me?” I saw her eyes look up to meet mine, but there wasn’t anything in them. Her stare was blank and empty. What the hell? It scared the shit out me. I didn’t know what to do. Can I touch her? Can I help her? She put her head down on her desk and I jumped up from my seat. I kneeled down next to her and tried to talk to her once more, but still nothing. When her arm fell limply from the desk to her lap that was the last straw. I picked her up out of the chair and ran out of the room. I had to get her help, fast. I took her straight to the school nurse.

             
Mrs. Allen, the school nurse, had me lay her on the hard table in her office. Then she sent me back to her closet to get some cloths. I heard her yell back to me while I was in the closet to make sure that I wet them with some cold water from the faucet. I did what I was told as quick as I could. When I got back to Shine’s side I could already see the color coming back into her face. She looked better, way better. I handed Mrs. Allen the wet cloths and backed away a couple of steps. She was coming around and I knew she would be upset if I was the first person she saw when she opened her eyes.

             
“Why don’t you go on back to class? She will be fine now.”

             
“I don’t want to leave her here alone, and I don’t see how she can be fine after what I just saw her going through,”

             
Mrs. Allen looked at me through hooded eyes. “Honestly, it looks way worse than what it is. Okay?” She nodded her head in the direction of the door. “Now back to class.”

             
There was a slight hesitation in my step, but I did what I was told. I left her once again. Turns out I am pretty good at walking away.

             
I couldn’t go back to class so I texted Josh.

Moon- Hey man. I’m so over this day. I am ditching want to come?

Josh- I don’t have practice today. Hell yeah I do.

Moon- Good let’s get out of here. Meet you by my car if ten minutes.

Josh- Sure thing

             
“I take it that your first day back wasn’t a success?” Josh asked. He hopped in the front passenger seat of my Mustang.

             
My head rolled on the headrest until I was facing him. “You don’t even wanna know.” I let out a strangled sigh and started the car. “I need some fresh air, Man. I feel like I can’t breathe here.”

             
Josh was always there for me and has always had my back. He’s the type of person who would know what to say and when to say it. He never sugar coats anything. I can count on him for the most honest advice, but he wouldn’t tell me unless I asked. Good friends seem to be hard to come by, and I am sure as hell going to miss him being around after graduation. Who will keep me on the straight and narrow? Don’t get me wrong, Josh could party and he fights like a boss, but he has always tried hard to take the high road. Talent like his is hard to come by and he has big dreams.

             
“I got an idea,” Josh startled me out of my crazy thoughts. “Let’s stop by my house and grab some beer, and head out to Ol’ Man Rucker’s pond and get toasted. What do ya say?”

             
“We haven’t been there since last summer. You think we’ll get run off again?”

             
“I don’t plan on fucking with his cows again.” We laughed. “We were so drunk man. You remember Mr. Rucker running around and waving that fly swatter at us like he was gonna hurt somebody? It was so funny.”

             
“Yeah it was.” I remember it like it was yesterday. “He was searching for cows for days.”

             
“I knew that they would be scared of the air horn, but I didn’t think about them getting out of the fence. I didn’t even realize that the fence was broken. I thought they would just run but,” he was still trying to speak but could barely talk through his laughing.

             
“But what?” I asked. “You knew what you were doing. They took off running like a bat out of hell. It was the funniest thing ever. There had to be like forty of em’, but the funniest thing was when that cow made that loud moaning sound and you fell back into that big pile of cow shit. You should have seen your face.”

             
“Hey, that cow was coming after me.” He replied.

             
“It was not, but just remembering you elbow deep in cow shit is awesome. I don’t think I will ever forget it.”

             
“Glad I could make you laugh, man.”

             
It was a nice feeling to be able to laugh. I couldn’t remember the last time that I had just relaxed.

             
“So what do ya say? Are we going to the pond or what?” He asked.

             
“I’m down.” I peeled out of the school parking lot leaving nothing behind me, but smoke and the smell of rubber.