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Authors: Keren Hughes
Drake
After my father’s death, things look different. The sun doesn’t look as bright, the grass isn’t as vivid green anymore, and the sky is duller than I remember. Food doesn’t taste as good, I’m only eating because Anna keeps cooking and telling me I need to keep my strength up. I go to work every day, do my work, and leave. My colleagues understand that I’m just not the same. The man I’ve spent my life loving, looking up to, wanting to be like, has left this Earth and now we’re all left to cope without his ever-loving presence.
I’m sad and angry at the same time. I don’t know what to do without my dad. Granted, we weren’t the most tactile of families. We didn’t wear our hearts on our sleeves or show our love for one another in the most obvious ways. But regardless, for all our flaws, we were always aware that we loved each other and that wouldn’t ever change. I was used to being the strong one, but just recently that mantle has passed on to Anna. She is the glue that holds our family together. When I cry, she holds me. When Ayden gets sad, she cheers him up. Meghan is just as heartbroken as I am and she turns to Anna for her advice, her love, and affection. Say what you like about Anna, but she is the most amazing woman I have ever met. How the hell did I get so lucky as to marry her? Before she came along, I swore I would never marry again. Not after that bitch Beth took me for all I had when we got divorced. But there was something about Anna…she made me feel like the only man in the world. Love and devotion shone in her eyes. I was surrounded by love and happiness, something I hadn’t had with Beth for years. We had stayed married out of obligation and we had technically separated for two years before actually getting divorced. So when Anna walked into my life, she brightened it. Everything she did was right. Everything she touched turned to gold. She was a breath of fresh air. She and Ayden had fast become my world. I proposed to her not long after he was born and we were married a year later. But now, she has to hold us all together as I fall apart at the seams.
Bitterness eats at me every day. Why couldn’t someone have been home to save my dad? Why couldn’t I have popped by to say hi? I might have found him and he might still be here. But I didn’t and he isn’t. That’s what kills me. I was powerless. I’ve always been in control, but this was something I had utterly no control over and now my heart aches. It feels so heavy, like I shouldn’t even be able to carry it around.
I’ve started going out after work, not going straight home as normal. Anna doesn’t like not knowing where I am, but I have no choice, I can’t tell her the truth. I can’t tell her that I seek comfort somewhere else. She’s the one holding everything together for me, for my family, but that has begun to eat at me. It should be me that holds us together—yet I can’t. So I seek my comfort from the one source I shouldn’t. Anna and I have fought about it before. She’s seen me being secretive over who I was texting, witnessed me taking my phone into another room to talk so she couldn’t overhear. We’ve actually split over it in the past before we got married, so I can’t tell her now that I have a secret I can’t share with her or anyone. I know it’s unfair, and when I do get home, I always try to play the part of loving husband. But it seems more like a role I play than what I actually am. It makes no sense because I love her and Ayden dearly. But I can’t seem to shake the burden that rests heavily on my shoulders. So my smile is fake, even though my love is real.
***
2 Months Later…
It’s been sixty days since my Dad passed away. Sixty days since my world stopped. I need to pull myself together and take over as the strong one of the family again. Anna has been amazing. She cooks and cleans, she does the school runs with Ayden. Where my mom and dad used to host Sunday dinners at their house, Anna has also taken over. She cooks at Mom’s house and cleans up after us all. Family dinners aren’t the same without my dad, but Anna tries her hardest to make it all okay. Mom seems okay. She’s not her normal exuberant self, but that’s to be expected. She sits around the table with us and goes through the motions, but you can see that the light in her eyes is dim now. She’s missing the other half of herself. That’s what my dad was. They were two halves of one whole and now Mom must cope on her own. The family all rally around her. Meghan takes her shopping. Jack and Leanne take Taylor round every other weekend and stay over. Auntie Pamela, my mom’s sister, goes round to see her every few days and they talk on the phone a lot. Everyone is doing their bit to make her see that life must go on. Anna does the same for me. She makes me see that life can’t stop here. She tells me that my dad wouldn’t want me to feel like this and she’s right. My dad was the life and soul of the party, the lynchpin of this family. He would never want us to mope around and go through the motions just to get through each day.
Annalise
I was tired. Bone tired. School runs, Sunday dinners, cooking, washing, cleaning, looking after Ayden and Drake as well as making sure the rest of the family had someone to talk to. I shouldn’t complain, and normally I wouldn’t, but it had gotten to a point where it was driving me mad that Drake was being secretive. He was always texting someone, though he had his phone on silent and thought I don’t notice when it went off. He’d been getting back from work later than normal. I was left to do everything, and whilst I understood his grief over Dennis, I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t open up to me. Okay, his family had never been very tactile, and they bottled things up rather than talking, but since Dennis’ death, they’d opened up more. Meghan was coming round to talk or phoned me for a chat frequently. Leanne said Jack wouldn’t open up to her and we shared our feelings about the fact we had husbands that were closing us out. We got together for Ayden and Taylor to play while we sat in the garden and drank coffee or opened a bottle of wine.
Drake was due to take some holiday from work so we had booked a week away. I was hoping that with time alone, he might finally open up to me. So we packed our bags and went to our favourite spot in Devon, the place he had proposed.
We arrived at Paignton Zoo, ready to take Ayden to see the animals. His favourite stuffed toy was a penguin, in fact, he had stuffed toy penguins overrunning his bedroom at home. Wherever we went, we bought another one to add to the collection.
As we walked round the zoo, taking in all the animals and their habitats, Drake suddenly came to a stop in front of my favourite animal, the wolf. This one looked like a cross between a fox and a wolf, he was a maned wolf, yellowish-red in colour with a white tip on his tail. I was busy admiring the wolf as he stalked around the grassland, too busy to pay any attention to what Drake was doing.
People seemed to crowd around the gorgeous maned wolf and I couldn’t blame them…he was a fascinating animal, so I stepped back to allow others to see him. I turned round to Ayden in the pushchair and saw Drake down on the ground. What I didn’t notice was that he was on one knee. I only came to notice this when he cleared his throat and drew my attention to him.
“Annalise Elizabeth Duncan, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?” he asked me, his voice a little more timid than normal.
I watched as he produced a ring box from his pocket and opened the lid. Nestled inside was the most beautiful ring—I couldn’t take my eyes off it. My throat seemed to close up and I was finding it increasingly difficult to draw a breath.
“Y…yes.” I stumbled over the one word as I tried to regulate my breathing, trying my hardest not to hyperventilate.
Drake removed the ring from the box and placed it on my finger. My hand was shaking so much that it was a wonder he managed to get it in place. He stood up and wrapped his arms around me, lifting me in the air. The people surrounding us burst into a round of applause and cheers. Drake placed me back on the ground and kissed me deeply, which garnered a round of catcalls from the passers-by. As we parted, I brought my hand up for a closer inspection of the ring. It was a beautiful white gold band with a stunning tanzanite stone nestled in between two slightly smaller diamonds. I couldn’t have chosen better myself. Drake knew that I didn’t do over-the-top, flashy jewellery. I’d always been drawn towards classy, elegant pieces.
Drake cleared his throat, drawing my attention from my ring to his face. The smile he wore could’ve split his face. His green eyes were sparkling and he looked happier than I had ever seen him.
“Annalise Elizabeth Anderson, I like the sound of that,” I said as I cupped the side of his face in my palm.
“Glad to hear it,” came a voice from behind Drake. I’d recognise that voice anywhere. It was Dennis.
“Dad!” I exclaimed in surprise, turning towards him.
“Come and give the old man a hug,” he replied.
I went willingly to him. The family weren’t all that big on hugging, so I took my hugs where I could get them.
“Don’t forget me, missy,” came Lynne’s voice.
“Mom, hi. What are you guys doing here?” I asked as I embraced her.
“Look around you, honey,” she replied cryptically.
I looked around me and saw Meghan with her boyfriend Andrew and Jack with his wife Leanne.
“How did you guys get here?” I asked, shock evident in my voice.
“We wouldn’t have missed this for the world,” Lynne said.
“You mean you knew and you came all the way for this? What if I’d said no?”
Everyone laughed at that. As I took in their faces, they all looked genuinely pleased for us.
“You love that boy too much to say no,” Dennis said.
“Very true,” I replied as I smiled at Drake.
I couldn’t believe they’d driven all the way to Devon just to witness this moment.
I was amazed that Drake wanted me to be his wife after what he had gone through with Beth. He’d always told me, even when we chatted as friends before getting together, that he would never get married again. He said he didn’t want to go through the heartache again if another marriage ended in disaster. I hadn’t blamed him, but when we got together, a small part of me mourned the fact that I would never get married. But I loved Drake enough that being with him was enough. I didn’t mind compromising because it was him that I wanted. From when we’d first met, I had really enjoyed his company and when I became single and was told by somebody in our office that he liked me, I was secretly pleased but thought nothing would ever happen because I was pregnant with somebody else’s child. How wrong I was. We’d gone on our first date shortly afterwards and had been inseparable since.
Pulling myself from my thoughts, I looked at the family surrounding me. Accepting me with open arms had been their style—except for Meghan, who took a dislike to me for some reason—I smiled at them and took Drake’s outstretched hand. He pushed Ayden in his pushchair as we all made our way round the zoo to the café because Ayden was due a feed and my tummy was grumbling at the thought of food.
As we reached the café, I was disappointed to see it had a sign saying
‘Closed for a Private Function.’
But Drake just went in anyway.
“Drake,” I called.
He turned to face me and beckoned me to follow him. I followed even though I thought it was rude to crash somebody else’s function.
I walked into the room behind Drake and saw balloons everywhere. Such a beautiful setting lay in front of us. Someone had good taste, as the balloons were purple and pale pink. It was a sign hanging above that caught my eye though.
‘
Congratulations on your engagement, Drake and Annalise’
it read.
“This is for us?” I whispered behind my fiancé. It would take a while to get used to calling him that.
“It sure is, baby,” he answered as he pulled me further into the room.
The room started to fill up behind us and I wasn’t sure what was going on if this was a private function. It took me a minute to realise that the people were actually family members. Aunties, uncles, cousins…everyone you could possibly imagine. I was stunned. It seemed that the whole family had been in on the secret and had travelled to Devon to celebrate with us. It really was a good job I said yes.
Drake
I have some annual leave owing from work and I want to get away, to do something other than sit around and mourn the loss of my dad. It’s not that I don’t care, and I’m not running away. I know I’ll still have to face it when I get home. But for now, a little getaway with Anna and Ayden might help me see things clearer, get some perspective. Being around the family only serves to remind me what I’ve lost and for just a few days, I want to forget.
We’re sitting in the car, singing along to Disney songs. Ayden and Anna both have an obsession with all things Disney. Anna might be thirty but I don’t think she’ll ever outgrow her love of certain things, Disney films and music being right up there on the list. I concentrate on getting safely to our destination in Devon. A smile spreads as my two favourite people sing along to “The Tigger Bop” and other comical songs. Ayden loves to do the actions and I catch a brief glimpse in the rear-view mirror. My boy is so beautiful. Sure, he isn’t biologically mine, but I’ve brought him up and I’m the only dad he knows. I want to be there for him just like my old man was for me. His junkie father couldn’t care less and signed all parental rights over to me.
“Mommy, I need a wee,” I hear from the backseat. I indicate to pull off at the motorway services, which thankfully aren’t far away.
Inside the service station, I grab Anna and myself a coffee. We were up with the birds this morning—what some would call the butt-crack of dawn—and if there’s one thing I know about Anna, it’s that she needs her caffeine fix.
“Can we listen to “Nightmare Before Christmas,” Daddy?” Ayden asks as we get back into the car and pull back onto the motorway.
“Sure thing, buddy,” I reply as I see Anna reach for the album from the glove box.
Ayden and Anna are slightly addicted to both the film and the soundtrack and we all know all the words to every song by now. I bought Ayden the soundtrack album as a treat and his little face lit up as he unwrapped it.
The journey to Devon is taking longer than I thought it would. I had hoped that getting on our way as early as possible, we would miss most of the traffic. But it seems many people had the same idea and we’re sat in a traffic jam with the windows open and the two people I love most in the world singing along at high volume. Some people turn to look at us, but all I can do is smile. We might be a little odd, but as a family unit we truly work amazingly well. Anna loves the bones of both Ayden and me. I love them both more than mere words could express and as for Ayden, he’s the most loving little boy in the whole world. He makes every day worth getting up for.
***
The chalet comes into view as we pull into the holiday park some hours later. I’m just glad to finally be here, to get out of the car and stretch my legs. Anna is getting Ayden unbuckled and out of the car, so I walk round to them and take Ayden in my arms. I whirl him round in the air and he giggles at me. I love the musical sound of his laughter so I spin round again before placing him on the floor and taking his hand. We book in at the front desk and are back at the chalet within minutes. Anna opens the door and we all walk in to see where we’ll be staying for the next week. There’s a spacious lounge, a kitchen-diner that won’t see much cooking because I refuse to let Anna cook—we are on holiday after all. We move down the hall to see the bedrooms. They are spacious and light. I decide to go out to the car and bring our bags in.
Once we’ve unpacked, we sit and chill in the lounge for a while. Having driven for so long, all I want to do is relax, but Ayden is nagging Anna to go and see what’s on site for him to do. We saw a playground on the way in, so I grab my shoes and put them back on.
“Let’s go, little man,” I say as I open the chalet door.
“Where to, Daddy?” he asks as he looks at me expectantly.
“Well, I don’t know. You want to explore, so that’s what we’ll do,” I reply as I walk out into the sunshine.
“Okay. Is Mommy coming too?”
“That’s up to Mommy.”
“Of course I am,” Anna says as she slips her shoes back on and grabs the key to lock up.
We head off in the direction of the playground and I know Ayden knows exactly where we’re going, his excitement grows as we get closer. I pick him up and give him a piggy back, making him squeal with laughter.
Approaching the gate, Ayden shimmies down from his place on my back and runs to look at the playground.
“Can I go on the big slide, Daddy?” he asks as he pushes the gate open.
“Of course you can, buddy. You go and play on whatever you want. We’re staying for half an hour and then we’re off to explore some more,” I say as he races off to the slide.
Anna and I sit on a bench and watch Ayden as he plays. I take her hand in mine and stroke the back of it with my thumb. My God how I love this woman. She and Ayden are my world, I wouldn’t be anything without them. I make a point of telling her each day how much she means to me. I’ve loved and lost without them knowing how much they truly meant to me, so it’s important that Anna knows how much I love her.
“I love you, baby,” I whisper close to her ear, making her shudder. I place a kiss on that tender spot on her neck, then kiss my way along her jaw to her beautiful full lips. I pull her to me and lick at the seam of her mouth, silently asking her to open her mouth to me. She surrenders to me and I draw her in for a deep kiss, full of passion and love. She tastes likes peppermint and smoke, a combination I have come to not only put up with, but love.
As I pull away for breath, I look into her eyes and see love and lust. This woman would do anything for me. The reasons to love her are an endless list. To this day, I still can’t believe she’s mine. What I did to get quite so fucking lucky, I don’t know.
We end up spending an hour at the playground before going off to explore the rest of the site. We discover there’s a bar, a swimming pool, and a place for kids to join a group and play with other kids from the site. The three of us head back to the chalet to chill for the evening. Anna opens a bottle of wine and we watch a DVD. Ayden falls asleep early on the couch and I carry him to bed. Anna changes him into his pyjamas without him waking and we return to the lounge to watch a film and snuggle up on the couch.