Moth to a Flame (16 page)
Authors: Ashley Antoinette
Mizan’s silence spoke volumes. He put her last on his priority list every day, but having her put him on the back burner aroused his suspicions.
“You getting real dressed up just to go see Nikki,” Mizan said as he rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“I dress like this every day. You’re just never home long enough to notice,” she replied. “Everything in my closet is name-brand. Besides, I like this outfit.”
Mizan stalked over to her and pinned her against the dresser, causing her things to spill to the floor. “I didn’t ask you what you liked,” Mizan seethed through clenched teeth. He gripped the sides of her face, causing her lips to form a pout. “Take this off and put on something old. If you’re going to see Nikki it don’t matter what the fuck you wearing.”
“Okay ... okay, babe,” she whispered submissively as he used all of his weight to manhandle her, mushing her face against the mirror. This wasn’t a big enough issue for her to fight, so she conceded in an attempt to calm him down and keep the peace. A small situation like that could easily blow up into a huge fight with him, and most times he won, leaving her with a new scar or bruise.
He didn’t let her go until Morgan knocked at the door, snapping him out of his controlling trance. Her incessant knocking let Raven know that Morgan had felt the vibrations of their fight. She couldn’t hear, but she knew when her sister was in trouble.
“She’s ready for school,” Raven sobbed as she scrambled to her closet to change clothes.
She felt Mizan behind her, but she didn’t turn around. He threw a few hundred dollar bills at her and they fell onto the closet floor at her feet. “Go buy yourself something to wear tonight. We’re going out,” he said simply, his ignorant way of apologizing for his actions. She ignored him. “Oh, so you too good to pick up my money?” he antagonized. Raven sighed and got on her knees to pick up the cash. “What do you say?”
“Thank you,” Raven whispered through clenched teeth.
She put on a Juicy Couture sweatsuit and turned to him to see if he approved. When he did not comment she assumed it was okay. She fixed her ruffled hair, pulling it back into a long ponytail, then hurried out of the house.
Morgan was lost in her daydreams as she stared out the passenger window, but Raven knew she was well aware of what had gone down. She always knew when Raven and Mizan fought. The tension in the house was always so thick that her senses picked up on it with ease. Raven wished that she could take Morgan and move away. It was not healthy for Morgan to grow up around all of the arguing and fighting. Her parents had not exposed them to an unhealthy male/female relationship, and she felt bad for presenting one to Morgan now that they were gone. She never wanted her little sister to think that it was acceptable for a man to put his hands on her.
She turned Morgan’s chin toward her, forcing her to look her in the face. “I know you heard what happened back there, Morgan. I want you to know that Mizan is foul for the way he treats me. No woman deserves to be hit. Do you hear me?” she asked as she drove to Brownell Elementary School.
Morgan smiled and cut her eyes playfully at her sister. “No, I don’t hear you. I’m deaf, remember?” she signed sarcastically. Raven smiled and shook her head.
“I’m serious, Morgan. Mizan is wrong for how he behaves,” Raven signed.
“But you make him so mad all the time, Rae. Why don’t you just stop doing stuff he doesn’t like?” Morgan replied.
The fact that Morgan justified Mizan’s actions broke her heart.
I have to get her away from there. She can’t think this is okay. It’ll only make her weak, and the next thing I know some nigga will be treating her the same way Mizan treats me.
I have to get her away from there. She can’t think this is okay. It’ll only make her weak, and the next thing I know some nigga will be treating her the same way Mizan treats me.
“It doesn’t matter if I make him mad Morgan. He’s an adult and that is not how adults solve problems. What he does is wrong and I want you to know that you deserve to feel safe. Never let a man beat you down. I’m down so low that I don’t know how to begin climbing back to the top, Raven said softly, talking more to herself than to her sister. She rubbed her sister’s head gently and put on a fake smile. “Go ahead, before you’re late. I’ll be here to pick you up after school. I love you,” she said with a kiss to the cheek.
“I love you too, Rae,” Morgan signed, and then ran off into the school. Before pulling off, Raven reached into her purse and pulled out a small sandwich bag full of cocaine. She stuck her pinky finger in and scooped some of the powder up with her acrylic French tip. She raised it to her nose and inhaled. She took a deep breath as the drug entered her system. It was the only way she knew to deal with her existence. She had gone from a social user to a full-time cocaine connoisseur. There wasn’t a day that went by that she did not indulge. Stress had pushed her over the edge and it was the only coping mechanism she knew.
Raven sat nervously in a steel chair as she waited for her mother to come into the visiting room. She had already been waiting for half an hour and she was growing nervous, thinking that maybe her mother did not want to see her. She hadn’t seen her face in so long, since the day that the judge sentenced her to twenty years for the role she had played in her husband’s drug empire. Raven kept her eyes on the door until finally Justine came walking through it.
Dismal, weary, and worn, Justine exuded none of the qualities Raven had once admired. It was as if life behind bars had sucked the life out of her, leaving behind merely a shell of her former self. Her hair was in one long braid to the back, but her roots were horrendous, as if they had never been relaxed a day in her life. The heavy bags under her eyes expressed fatigue and the wrinkles on her face were permanently etched into her skin. There was nothing flawless, glamorous, or diva-like about the woman before Raven’s eyes.
“Hey, Mommy,” Raven whispered as she put on a fake smile. She did not want to be the one to tell her mother how badly she looked.
“My baby,” Justine replied in disbelief. She had not had a visitor in so long, and she did not expect Raven to come, so this was a pleasant surprise. “Where is Morgan?”
“She had school, Mommy. I just wanted to come and see how you are. I know you’ve been calling, but Mizan ...”
Justine put her hand up and shook her head to stop Raven’s sentence. “I know he has you secluded from the world, Raven. It’s a shame he doesn’t even want you talking to your own mama, but I get it. He has the control and he doesn’t want to share you. I’m just glad you’re here right now.”
“How are things coming with the lawyer? Raven asked. “Is he working on your appeal? Because I paid him good money, Mommy. He should be working day and night to get you out of here.”
“He’s doing what he can, Raven, but I’m not counting on it. Save your money. What’s done is done ... ain’t no rewinding time. I did what I did. Me and your father both knew that what he was doing couldn’t last forever. Now I have to deal with the consequences,” Justine stated. She sounded so hopeless, as if she had given up a long time ago.
“You don’t deserve to be in here, Mommy,” Raven said.
Justine scoffed as her shoulders fell a little lower. “Don’t worry about it Rae. Your mama got everything under control. I’ve got a plan. I won’t be in here too long. These crackers won’t hold me for too long.”
Raven laughed slightly, thinking that her mother sounded just like her father. She was a direct reflection of him. Her parents had been the Romeo and Juliet of the hood, a perfect pair.
“Do you need anything?” Raven asked.
“I need your father, Rae. Nothing seems the same without him. It’s been five long years and it has not gotten any easier. I just want us to be together again,” Justine said.
“You will be, Mommy. Daddy’s waiting for you. When it’s your time, you guys will be reunited,” Raven said confidently. If she had never witnessed her mother and father’s love she would not be able to tell that it was missing in her own relationship. Justine and Benny Atkins had a love that was talked about through the grapevine. Theirs was one for the history books.
Giving Raven a weak smile Justine replied, “I hope so Rae. Where is that grand baby of mine? I was hurt when you did not even send me a picture.”
A dark cloud formed over Raven’s head as sorrow overcast her. “My baby was still-born, Mommy. I have tried to have a baby since then, but Mizan and I ... we fight a lot. I can never bring a baby full term. I’ve had so many miscarriages it’s hard to keep track.”
Raven wiped the tear from her cheek and quickly put a bandage over that emotional scar. Her mother had picked the scab off of it, causing her to become emotional, but she had been down that road. Depression and regret mixed with thoughts of suicide had been her story many times. She was not going back down that road. She buried her emotions deep inside. It was easier for her not to think about it.
“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry. I did not know,” Justine said as she reached across the table and took her daughter’s hand.“Your father had a bad feeling about that boy from the first day he lay eyes on him. He knew that he was no good for you. It would break his heart to see you like this.”
“I know, but he’s the man I chose, right? Raven stated, reiterating a lesson that Justine had once taught her. “I wish I had listened all those years ago. I miss Daddy so much. I have to sneak to his grave site just to spend time with him. I just want to tell him that I love him and I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” Justine asked.
“For everything, Mommy. For everything,” she said as she shook her head.
“I’ll let him know, baby ... don’t you worry about it,” Justine replied. “But I need you to do me a favor, Raven. Don’t waste your life on Mizan. The first chance you get, you leave him. A man like that can only make your life hell, and you deserve so much more.”
Raven nodded, but there was a self-awareness inside of her that told her she was not going anywhere. Her allegiance was too strong, her determination too weak, and her heart too fragile to break free. She did not put her burden on her mother’s heart though. Justine was dealing with enough and Raven did not want to be selfish by putting her own problems off on her mother. “I will, Mommy,” she lied.
The guards indicated that the visiting time was over. They both were full of tears as they stared at one another, taking in all they could.
“Mommy, I’m going to contact that lawyer and I will try to come back when I can,” Raven promised.
“No, you won’t, Justine whispered as she hugged her daughter tightly. Her mother’s embrace felt so good that Raven did not want to let go. They hugged and rocked from side to side. “I understand though, Raven. I really do, but get away from him, Rae. Don’t be the moth that flies into the flame. You take your sister and you go somewhere safe, before it’s too late. I love you, darling. I love you with all of my heart. Remember that.”
Raven was bawling as she stepped back and held onto Justine’s forearms. “I love you too, Mommy.”
“Thank you for coming to visit. You made this so much easier for me. I wished you could have brought Morgan so that I could see her one last time. Please remind her that I love her every day, and you remember that too, baby girl.”
The nickname sounded so soothing coming off of her mother’s lips. She nodded as she watched Justine walk out of the room. Before she disappeared fully, Justine blew her a kiss. Raven waved good-bye knowing that it would be a long time before they crossed paths again.
Raven felt extreme guilt as she walked out of the prison.
She does not deserve to be in here,
she thought as she pulled away, headed back to Flint. She noticed that she had missed four calls, all from Mizan wanting to know her whereabouts. He was like her watchdog checking in with her every hour on the hour. At first she thought his concern was cute and she was flattered that he wanted to be around her all the time; now his overbearing nature drove her crazy. She decided not to call him back right away as she hit I-75 and dialed her mother’s lawyer. Unable to reach him, she left a message to return her call, and then threw her cell on the passenger seat. The hour-long drive gave her time to clear her head and gain her composure before she arrived at Nikki’s house.
She does not deserve to be in here,
she thought as she pulled away, headed back to Flint. She noticed that she had missed four calls, all from Mizan wanting to know her whereabouts. He was like her watchdog checking in with her every hour on the hour. At first she thought his concern was cute and she was flattered that he wanted to be around her all the time; now his overbearing nature drove her crazy. She decided not to call him back right away as she hit I-75 and dialed her mother’s lawyer. Unable to reach him, she left a message to return her call, and then threw her cell on the passenger seat. The hour-long drive gave her time to clear her head and gain her composure before she arrived at Nikki’s house.
Raven knocked on the door lightly and smiled when her Aunt Gena answered. She remembered when the woman before her was so vibrant. A classic forty-something woman who loved to party and bullshit, but when Nikki was shot her entire life changed. After that one fateful night her carefree lifestyle disappeared. Before her stood a tired, old woman. “Hi, Auntie G,” she greeted her with a peck to the cheek.
“Hey, Raven. Come on in,” she said as she stepped to the side. Gena used to be what kids would call the cool mama on the block. She dressed young, talked young, dated young men, and was the ghetto mother who did not care where her children were or what they were into as long as they were not in her way. One bullet had changed everything in the blink on an eye. Nikki would never be the same, and after almost losing her daughter once, Gena had become overprotective, causing her many sleepless nights.
“Nik! Raven is here,” Gena shouted as she went back to watching her soap operas. Wobbly, slow, and timid, Nikki attempted the staircase on her own. Raven trotted halfway up and took her best friend’s hand.
“Thanks, Rae,” Nikki said as she leaned against her for support. Nikki was lucky to be alive. After being shot at almost point blank range she had miraculously survived, but the bullet was so close to her spinal cord that the doctors could not remove it. So they let it remain and put her on medications to take the swelling down around her brain. Unfortunately the scar tissue that healed around the bullet damaged parts of her hippocampus. Her short-term memory was shot. Everything that occurred after the moment she was shot, she would never remember. Anyone who crossed her path from now on would be forgotten the very next day. Most days she was fine, but sometimes her energy was extremely low and she had a hard time standing for long periods of time. Raven’s eyes misted as she helped Nikki to the kitchen and they took a seat. Her appearance was exactly the same. The scar on her temple was concealed by her long hair. Her face seemed a bit tight on the right side, but other than that her appearance was unaffected. She still looked the exact same way she always had.
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