Movie Star By Lizzie Pepper (36 page)

Last week the boys and I were on the uptown local, headed to Grand Central on our way to spend Thanksgiving Day with my sister, Allison. As you probably heard, I actually fell asleep for a few minutes. When I opened my eyes, I realized what had happened. Me—Lizzie Pepper—asleep on the subway! It was kind of a miracle.

Allison’s sober living facility—a branch of LifeHeartTruth—celebrates Thanksgiving with a turkey buffet. Sitting between my sister and one of my sons, I looked across the table at Chrissy, a mom whose fifteen-year-old daughter, Myla, is Allison’s current roommate. I caught Chrissy’s eye, and we raised our soda glasses and silently toasted each other.

One year, Rob and I had hosted Thanksgiving in Aspen. His parents and brother were in from L.A.; about a dozen One Cell practitioners attended, and assorted Aspen acquaintances. Aspen was “casual,” which meant every guest was outfitted in his or her chic après-ski best. Diamonds and fur vests were rampant. It was a catered dinner for fifty, with an enormous cornucopia of soon-to-be-wasted autumn squash as the centerpiece of the banquet table.

Now Chrissy, Myla, Allison, Cap, Leo, and I barely filled a plain wooden table that was set for eight. Under the florescent lights, other mismatched families sat celebrating. There were posters on the wall with
inspirational messages: the Serenity Prayer, the Ten Commandments of Therapy, the kitten hanging on to the tree branch with the words “Hang in there, baby!” The one above Leo’s head happened to read, “Feel your feelings.” I couldn’t help chuckling to myself. That’s exactly what I wanted us to do, and it didn’t kill me to be reminded. We all need a little rehabilitation sometimes.

The dining room felt ordinary, and special. There was some laughter, some moments of silence when silverware clinked, a reminder that everyone here had gone to a dark, difficult place, where the simple daily ease of a shared family dinner was a hard-won treasure.

It may be oversimplifying to say that my family had sacrificed Allison for my acting career, but I always felt that my achievements were at her expense. We left her to survive alone. We gave up. My family once felt shame and confusion over who Allison was and how we dealt with her. But I am forever proud to have her as a sister, and proud of the family we’ve rebuilt.

My father is a strong, brilliant man, and I credit him with the person I am today. His strength gave me the confidence to fight the Studio, but (with a little help from my friends) I’m the one who got myself out of a difficult situation, and I’m proud of myself for finally listening to my own instincts.

I wish I could say that my parents and I spent a long time talking about the past, our relationship, and how we could move forward, but that’s not really how we are. My dad is never going to be that person. Much as I’m never going to be the daughter he tried to create. We both understand this, and, so long as we don’t live in the same state, we get along just fine.

Later that night, back at our Brooklyn apartment, I came across the photo of me on the subway. (Okay, I googled it. I’d never seen myself asleep before.) There I was, without much makeup, my mouth a little open
(but not as bad as it could have been), one hand protectively across each boy’s lap, completely zonked. Again memories of our Aspen Thanksgiving party came to my head. I remembered the photos (which we sold to
Glam
to benefit One Cell): me, in a brown suede sheath dress that I fit into only after a weeklong juice diet, hair in a too-tight updo, overly made up for the harsh flash cameras, smiling my photo-ready smile. My eyes were blank, my cheeks hollow. Looking back down at the picture of my sleeping subway self, relaxed, oblivious, I couldn’t help smiling. It wasn’t exactly a normal life, but it was close enough for me.

I left my husband in order to free my sons from a life of extreme privilege and loneliness. I understand why people are curious, but I hope this book answers every question that could be asked. I know that I signed on for the celebrity life, but my sons didn’t. If I’ve earned the right to ask anything of my readers it is this: Please let my children be.

Oh, and one more thing. Call me Lizzie.

Lizzie Pepper

When I talked to publishers about this book, the first question they always asked was whether I had the right to tell this story. They obviously didn’t want One Cell’s notoriously litigious legal team coming after us all. So, first and foremost, I have to thank my ex-husband’s law firm, Harris, Harris, Maxon, and Harris, for hiring the incompetent paralegals who failed to properly review our divorce settlement.

I also want to thank Aurora Janevs and Meg Cheley, who gave me courage; Cap and Leo, who gave me purpose; and Allison, who inspires me every day.

My agent, P. J., who never lost faith in me.

Finally, I want to thank my parents, especially my father, who may always see me as his little girl, but who also gave me the strength to choose my own path.

Love,

Lizzie

Hilary Liftin

In my ghostwriting work I don’t usually have the chance to thank people in print, so I am delighted to have at last a place to thank my longtime agent and friend Lydia Wills, whose unflappable wisdom is the bedrock of my career and whose exquisite taste guides my Pinterest fantasies. Without the brilliant Semi Chellas and Esta Spalding, who helped break the outline (Semi jiggling a baby the whole time), I have no idea what this book would have been. My husband, Chris Harris, edited an early draft so heavily that he might be considered the real ghostwriter here. And my other readers: Semi and Esta again, Yasemin Sarikaya, and Katherine Pope gave critical notes out of the goodness of their hearts. Karen Fox, Eric Fox, and Dylan Schaffer gave me pointers on fictional tax and legal matters. And I must give a shout-out to Le Pain Quotidien on Larchmont, my de facto office, where I was supplied with endless green tea and the welcome distractions of other writers.

I am deeply grateful to the following people at Viking: Clare Ferraro and Caitlin O’Shaughnessy, for believing in this book, fighting for it when need arose, and being willing to walk the line. Caitlin, you are the most dedicated, enthusiastic, and just plain fun advocate an author could ask for. Carolyn Carlson and Helen Richard, for taking the reins so expertly. Gina Anderson and Anke Steinke, for devoting many long hours with energy and creativity. Angela Messina, Carolyn Coleburn, Kate Stark, Lydia Hirt, Mary Stone, and the rest of the team at Viking—I’m lucky to have you!

I can’t think of a good reason to thank my kids—shouldn’t they be thanking me?—but it seems wrong not to put their names here because I am so grateful for them, too. Jozy and Silas.

LIZZIE PEPPER
is an American actor. Born in Chicago, she starred as Lucy McAlister in the TV drama
American Dream
from the age of seventeen. The show aired on Grand TV for six seasons. Her movies include
The Last Hurrah
,
Man of Her Dreams
, and
The Safe House
. She has appeared on Broadway as Miss Merman in
Compulsion
. Her fragrance, Mode, was named Best New Scent by the International Association of Perfumiers. She is a board member of LightHeartTruth, an addiction recovery center in Malibu. She has more than four million Twitter followers @LizzierPepper. She lives in New York with her two sons.

HILARY LIFTIN
is the author of two books, and has ghostwritten and co-written many titles, including nine
New York Times
bestsellers to date. Hilary graduated from Yale University. She lives in Los Angeles with her family.
Movie Star
is her first
novel.

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