Mr. Darcy Goes Overboard (13 page)

The next day was the crab-catching competition. The Bennet girls were all lined up happily on Victoria Quay, dangling their lines into the salty waters and hoping for a big catch. Mrs Bennet was in charge of the net, and every time one of her daughters carefully pulled up a little fellow, she was so ham-fisted, swinging the net about, that she knocked the catch back into the water. It was a most frustrating business, especially as nearly everyone else along the quay kept calling out 'Caught another!' in a most irritating manner.

Mrs Bennet was on the verge of giving up when the most amazing sight caught her eye. Mr Bingley rowing towards them! He looked so very perky, and there was clearly a bottle of Veuve Clicquot in an ice bucket and two glasses in a picnic basket in the boat and a jewellery box that most certainly was inscribed with 'Tiffany' on the lid that, with a mother's instinct, she knew instantly something was up.

'My dear Jane! He is come! Make haste! Make haste!'

But within seconds, Bingley was upon them.

'Oh, Mr Bingley!' said Mrs Bennet, feigning surprise. 'Are you partial to crabbing? Do step out of your boat and come and join us.'

'Splendid!' replied Bingley, remaining in his boat and making no attempt to get out.

'Such a delightful sport, don't you think, Mr Bingley?'

'Yes. Absolutely splendid!'

Silence ensued. After a while, Kitty said, 'Chas, do you think you could go away? I think you're disturbing the crabs. I've not had one bite like since you appeared.'

'Kitty!' said Mrs Bennet, outraged, and winked at her ferociously.

'Why are you like winking at me, Mother?' asked Kitty.

'I am not winking at you! But now thinking about it, I have some business with you. Come with me.'

Mrs Bennet managed to remove Kitty to the bench, where Mary was already perched reading
Quantum Physics for Dummies
(the last two words carefully deleted), and Lizzy was forced to give up her crabbing spot by her mother returning and demanding that she had some business with her, too. Apart from seventy-three children under eight, forty-nine yummy mummies, sixteen merchant bankers, nine ex-hedge fund managers, twelve ex-bankers, two barristers, twelve judges, and eighty-one exhausted grandparents, Bingley and Jane were left quite, quite alone.

'Jane!' began Bingley, standing up. 'I... I...'

The rowing boat wobbled dangerously.

'I... I...'

Jane could hardly breathe in anticipation.

'I... I...' continued Bingley, bobbing up and down, 'cannot balance...'

Bingley wobbled again and a gasp went up from the spectators and one judge even removed his wig, ready to jump in to the rescue of a potentially drowning man, but Bingley regained control of himself and the boat.

'...very well. But you would do me the greatest honour...'

At this point, Bingley knelt in the boat on one knee 'and make me the most splendidly happiest man in the world if you would ma...'

Bingley and the boat wobbled dangerously.

'...marry me?'

The crowd were now captivated, and all eyes turned to Jane. Before she could speak, Bingley went on. 'Dearest, darling, quite delightful Jane. Say yes! Oh please say yes! I have a ring!'

Bingley opened the Tiffany box. If the day had been sunny and bright before, the dazzling light shining from the ring within drew a gasp from the crowd. Bingley reached up, and taking Jane's hand, slipped the ring on her finger. Bingley held the lovely, slim, white, now-bejewelled hand, waiting for her answer.

As the boat drifted away from shore, Bingley was left suspended for a moment, not on dry land, not in the boat, but somewhere hovering in between, just long enough to hear Jane reply, 'I will!' before he fell in ecstasy into the water.

He emerged to see the beautiful face of his dear Jane searching for him, and he rose triumphant to place, for the first time, a kiss on those heavenly lips.

Clapping erupted from the crabbers, young and old, and there was not a dry eye on the quayside, half tears of emotion, half salty water from the giant splash Jane made as Bingley inadvertently pulled her in. But who cared when such happiness abounded? Who cared when two young people were caught in such a splendid, delightful, seaweedy entanglement of love?

The following day, a tremendous drumming sound swept over Island Street. The Bennet girls rushed out to see what the commotion was. Hovering above was a black Sikorsky helicopter, which to the astonishment not only of the Bennet girls but of all those holidaymakers idling in the street, seemed to be intent on descending.

There was a widening of the road at the town end of Island Street, a flattish area, and it soon became apparent that this was the destination of the aircraft. People duly scattered, and upon landing, the helicopter's door was flung open, and to the utmost amazement of Lizzy, out stepped Lady Catherine de Brrr. She immediately walked with an air more than usually ungracious and burst uninvited straight into the sitting room of 3 Island Street to the surprise of Mrs Bennet and Mary, the former who had been sitting engrossed in
Hello
magazine, the latter in
Electrical Surges II
. A side whisper from Lizzy enlightened Mrs Bennet as to the identity of the invader and the mode of transport. Mrs Bennet was thereafter all graciousness. After all, anyone who arrived by helicopter, even if they interrupted a good read, must be worthy of polite attention.

'This is your mother, I suppose, Miss Elizabeth Bennet?' said Lady Catherine as way of introduction. 'And that is a sister?'

'Yes, Lady Catherine,' replied Lizzy, still astonished by her presence.

'I see there is a brackish sort of backwater over there.' Lady Catherine waved in the direction of Batson Creek. 'I would be grateful if you would accompany me on a short rowing trip, Miss Elizabeth Bennet.'

Lizzy obeyed out of curiosity rather than anticipated pleasure. She got out two life jackets from the chest in the sitting room, took the oars from the wall, and followed Lady Catherine, who was already marching out of the house.

Lizzy untied
Angelica
and rowed Lady Catherine down the picturesque inlet towards Lower Batson. Lady Catherine immediately launched her attack.

'Miss Elizabeth Bennet! How dare you even consider being engaged to my nephew, Mr Darcy! How could you! You are quite outrageous! An upstart! Mr Darcy is engaged to my daughter!'

The helicopter had now taken off and was following Lady Catherine's moves. Her ladyship waved with dramatic effect up at the aircraft, and Lizzy could just make out the pale face of Miss de Brrr peering out, terrified, from the sky above.

'If he is engaged to your daughter,' said Lizzy, puffing violently as she tried to balance the boat to prevent it being swamped by the waves caused by the downwind from the helicopter, 'you can hardly suspect that he could be engaged to me!'

'Insolent girl!' cried Lady Catherine, standing up in fury. The sudden movement caused the boat to lurch dangerously, and Lizzy was caught off guard and fell backwards, almost into the water. Lady Catherine toppled forward and, taking advantage of her new position, leant forward further, digging her sharp red nails into poor Lizzy's neck to emphasise her next point.

'And do you promise never to be engaged to my nephew?'

'I will promise no such thing! But since you are intent on killing me, why should you care?'

'Insolent, ungrateful girl!' yelled Lady Catherine, now incandescent with rage. Lady Catherine's nails were formidable and were locked onto Lizzy's neck as their owner ranted and raged. Lizzy could feel the final breath being squeezed from her limp body. Somewhere in the haze of near death, she saw Lady Catherine signal to the helicopter hovering above. A hook was lowered down, and Lady Catherine attached it to her diamante belt. As Lizzy passed in and out of consciousness, she was aware of Lady Catherine being lifted from her and swept up and away towards the hovering helicopter, still screaming, 'Insolent, ungrateful girl!' The pressure released from her throat, Lizzy choked and coughed until, coming round, she saw the helicopter disappearing towards Bolberry Down, Lady Catherine leaning from the open doorway, shaking her fist, and Miss de Brrr peeping out of a window. Lizzy recovered herself and rowed back to 3 Island Street, hardly knowing what to think.

The day after the extraordinary visit, Mr Bennet received a text from Mr Collins that cheered him up no end.

'I say, Lizzy,' he called, 'I've just had a text from Mr Collins. It will amuse you! Ha! Ha! Ha! It says... Ha! Ha! Ha!... that you, Lizzy... you... may be linked to... Ha! Ha!... Mr Darcy! Mr Darcy! That man who probably never looked at you in his life! Ha! Ha!... and there is more... Dear Mr Collins expressly advises against it, as Lady Catherine would be seriously displeased! Ha! Ha! Ha!'

Lizzy would have much rather cried than laughed but did manage to add a 'Ha! Ha!' to keep up appearances.

Bingley and Darcy took it upon themselves to suggest a walk with the Bennet girls over to Bolt Head that afternoon. Jane and Bingley walked ahead, hand in hand, then arm in arm, then arms around each other's shoulders, then arms around each other's waists, and with eyes only for each other. Darcy, Lizzy, and Kitty formed an uncomfortable threesome behind, until Kitty, bored, spotted some absolute machines playing volleyball as they passed South Sands and decided they would make better company than a dull sister and the odious Darcy, so she left. Darcy and Lizzy climbed the steep path to the cliff top alone. Darcy seemed most interested in the seagulls and failed to look once at Lizzy, but she, gathering boldness, burst out, 'Thank you so much for saving Lydia!'

'Lydia! That was meant to be a secret. I thought Mrs Gardiner could have been trusted.'

'Oh, it was Lydia herself who blurted it all out. We are most grateful.'

They stood on the cliff top, where a gun emplacement had previously bravely stood to protect Salcombe, surviving the war but subsequently being destroyed by deadly health-and-safety orders. Now Darcy took courage.

'Lizzy, if you still cannot bear the sight of me, speak now, and I will never...'

A gust of wind raced up across the cliff and swept Darcy off his feet. He stumbled, and to Lizzy's horror, disappeared backwards over the cliff top and out of sight.

'Darcy! Darcy!' she called frantically. Could it be that the joy she hardly dared to hope for had just been cruelly blown away? Was her chance of happiness lying dashed on the jagged rocks below? Or could he be lying injured in terrible pain? The idea of his perfect body mangled tore at Lizzy's heart.

'Darcy! Darcy!'

Her cries were caught and tossed around by the heartless wind.

'I was just trying to say,' Darcy went on from somewhere far below, 'if you cannot bear the sight of me, I will never ask you out again and will never ohh!...'

Above the deafening roar of the wind, there was a louder roar of falling rocks. Darcy's voice went on but sounded farther away than ever.

'...I will never ohh!... mention the subject again.'

'Oh, Darcy!' called Lizzy over the cliff top. Her relief that he was still alive gave her the courage to voice her true feelings. 'Far from not bearing the sight of you, I could not bear not to have sight of you, but I simply cannot see you at all at this very moment! Oh, Darcy!'

'Did you say you could or could not bear the sight of me?'

'I said I could not bear not to have sight of you!'

The wind whistled and snatched at their words, whisking them away so comprehension was almost impossible. Darcy tried again.

'I say, do you think you could make yourself clear on this, Elizabeth? Can you or can you not bear the sight of me? It is rather important to my next move.'

'I cannot bear
not
to have sight of you.'

'What was that?'

The wind still mocked at their words. Darcy hanging onto the rock face, with sixty feet sheer drop below and a devil of a climb above, was facing the dilemma of his lifetime. He loved Elizabeth more than life itself. That he would now admit to himself, and if Elizabeth could bear the sight of him, he would try and climb up. If she could not bear the sight of him, he might as well fling himself off the cliff onto the rocks below. He tried again.

'Elizabeth. Could you please try and speak more clearly. Can you or can you not bear the sight of me?'

There was no distinguishable answer. Darcy was desperate. Then he had an idea. From his pocket, he got out an old copy of
Pride and Prejudice
by Jane Austen, which he had intended to read should they stop on their walk and conversation dry up. Reluctantly, he tore out the frontispiece and scribbled a note.

Elizabeth. Can you--or can you not--bear the sight of me? Yours, F Darcy.

PS Please roll one stone down if your answer is no you cannot, and two if yes you can.

He then wrapped the note around a bit of rock that he burrowed out from the rock face with his bare hands, and threw the little parcel successfully up and over the top of the cliff.

Darcy's heart was racing, his mind in turmoil as he waited in torment for an answer from the woman he was so deeply, violently in love with. He writhed in passionate agony but immediately saw the danger of any such movement, as the ground threatened to fall away from below his feet, sending him to certain death. What could he do? Very carefully, hardly moving, to take his mind off his predicament, he opened
Pride and Prejudice
and started to read. Despite himself, he was immediately engaged and struck with how well the novel resonated with the modern reader.

Meanwhile, the little note wrapped around the stone met its mark almost too well. It smacked Lizzy in the middle of her forehead and knocked her clean out. She lay unconscious on the cliff top for a good half hour before coming round, whereupon she eagerly dropped two stones over the top. Darcy was not sure if one of the stones was or was not intended or had fallen by accident.

'Could you be more specific?'
came another note.

Two large boulders came crashing down.

Darcy, now on chapter fifty-eight of
Pride and Prejudice,
felt a thrill of joy surge through his whole being. He tucked the book into his breast pocket, and with trembling hands, began the ascent of the cliff face. It was a superhuman effort, and for years later, walkers peering over the edge of the sheer drop would marvel at Darcy's survival. But Lizzy's response had inspired him, given him hope, courage, fearlessness. He found every nook and cranny on the rock face that could be found; every little projection that could be held onto was grasped, and despite the wind, wild and whipping around him, trying to peel him away, Darcy clambered on and upwards towards the object of his tempestuous affections.

At the top, Lizzy was lying down, the long grass whipping her face, leaning forward over the cliff as far as she dared, waiting for him. Without hesitation, she grabbed his strong, muscular arms as soon as they were in reach.

Still in danger, the feel of her fine white hands on his straining arms was almost too much. He had only the frailest of toeholds, and looking into her fine eyes set in that radiant face, he just had to know his fate before he could make another move. Hardly daring to hear the answer, he whispered, 'Tell me, face-to-face, Elizabeth, are your feelings as they were when I last professed my love for you? If they are, I will never raise the subject again.'

Lizzy felt the closeness of Darcy's handsome face, the dark hair just touching her smooth skin, his breath upon her cheek.

'They could not be more different,' she replied, her heart racing.

The feelings of happiness this response evoked in Darcy cannot be overestimated. He was a man violently in love, and it gave him the Herculean strength to pull himself up and over from the precipice of loneliness and desolation straight into the arms of the woman he so desperately, ardently adored. Together at last! How long they stayed enfolded in each other's arms in the long, soft grass, neither could remember. But what did it matter? They were two young lovers, entwined, hearts beating together, thrilled by the crash of waves below, warmed by the late summer sun above, and the knowledge that true love was theirs at last.