Mr. Macky Is Wacky! (3 page)

We went to the vomitorium for lunch. I sat with Ryan and Michael. Andrea and her annoying friend Emily were at the next table.

I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Michael had a ham sandwich. Ryan had a wichsand, which is a sandwich
with the meat on the outside and the bread in the middle. Ryan invented the wichsand. He should get the No Bell Prize.

“Which president are you gonna be for your oral report?” Michael asked.

“I'm gonna be James Garfield,” Ryan said, “because I like Garfield the cat.”

“I'm gonna be Herbert Hoover,” said Michael, “because he was named after a vacuum cleaner.”

“I think the vacuum cleaner was named after
him
,” I said.

“What about you, A.J.,” asked Ryan. “Which president are you gonna be?”

“I don't know yet,” I told the guys. “But it would be cool to be president for
real
.
Nobody can tell him what to do! I'll bet the president can stay up late, even on school nights.”

“I'll bet he can eat candy anytime he wants,” Ryan said. “And he doesn't have to brush his teeth.”

“I'll bet he doesn't even have to make his bed,” I said, “or clean up his room or feed his fish.”

“I'll bet he can watch TV in his pajamas all day if he feels like it,” Michael said.

“The president has a TV in his pajamas?” I asked. “That's cool!”

I noticed that Andrea and Emily kept turning around and giggling. Girls are always giggling. Andrea and Emily were probably talking about girly stuff like
smelly perfume and how many pairs of shoes they have. We boys have more important stuff to talk about, like whether or not the president has a TV in his pajamas.

We ignored them. Our conversation was none of their beeswax anyway.

“Do you think Mr. Macky was telling the truth when he said Abraham Lincoln had to write on a shovel?” I asked the guys.

“Lincoln should have used a computer,” said Ryan. “It's much easier to write on.”

“Yeah, but you can't use a computer to dig a hole,” Michael pointed out.

“Well, you can't check your e-mail on a shovel,” Ryan said.

“You could check your e-mail if you had a shovel with a built-in computer,” I told them.

The lunch lady, Ms. LaGrange, told us it was time to clean off our trays. Andrea and Emily walked by our table.

“Boys are dumbheads,” Andrea said.

It was the Friday before Presidents' Day, and we were putting our stuff into our cubbies. I heard Andrea tell Emily that she was nearly finished with her Presidents' Day oral report. She picked John F. Kennedy as her president.

“I bet my report is going to be the best
in the whole class,” Andrea whispered to Emily.

Whenever we have an assignment to do, Andrea's is
always
the best in the class. Why does she have to be best every single time? I hate her.

After we pledged the allegiance, we had to go to the all-purpose room for an assembly. Mr. Klutz was up on the stage. He's the principal of the school, and his head is completely bald. I mean
completely
. I wrote a poem about Mr. Klutz. It goes like this:

Did you like my poem about Mr. Klutz's hair that he doesn't have? I tried to sound like Dr. Seuss. He was cool, even if he wasn't a real doctor.

Anyway, being the principal is like being the president of Ella Mentry School. I guess
every
day is Presidents' Day for Mr. Klutz. He told us he was getting excited about the big holiday on Monday.

“Are you going to buy a big-screen TV, Mr. Klutz?” Michael shouted.

“No, why?” he asked.

“Because they go on sale on Presidents' Day,” Michael said. “My dad is going to buy one.”

Mr. Klutz told us he was more interested in the presidents than big-screen TVs.

“In honor of Presidents' Day,” Mr. Klutz announced, “we're going to have you kids vote for the president of Ella Mentry School. Whoever gets the most votes will be the president when we get back to school after the holiday. That's how democracy works. Any questions?”

“Can we vote for any president we want?” one of the third graders asked.

“There will be two candidates,” Mr. Klutz said. “I would like to introduce them to you now. Each president will make a short speech, and then we will vote.”

Mr. Macky and Mrs. Roopy walked up onto the stage dressed like Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Everybody clapped. The presidents each took a bow. Mrs. Roopy spoke first.

“My name is George Washington,” she said. “I was the first and best president! I was the father of our country. I defeated the British in the Revolutionary War.
Vote for me.”

Everybody clapped. Then Mr. Macky stepped forward to give his speech.

“My name is Abraham Lincoln. I was the 16th president. I saved the Union. I freed the slaves. I wrote the Gettysburg Address. Vote for
me
!”

Everybody clapped.

“Okay!” said Mr. Klutz. “Do either of you gentlemen have anything to add?”

“I would just like to mention that the George Washington Bridge was named after me,” said Mrs. Roopy.

“Well, the Lincoln Tunnel was named after
me
,” said Mr. Macky. “And Lincoln Logs, too.”

George Washington—I mean, Mrs. Roopy—laughed.

“They named some
logs
after you?” she said. “Big whoop! They put
me
on the dollar bill.”

“Oooooh!” went all the kids.

“Oh yeah?” said Mr. Macky. “I'm on the
five
-dollar bill. So I must be
five
times
better than you.”

“Oooooh!” went all the kids. Abraham Lincoln totally dissed George Washington! In his face!

“I cannot tell a lie,” George Washington said. “You're ugly.”

“Oooooh!” went all the kids.

Abraham Lincoln looked really mad. I thought the two of them were going to start fighting! But Mr. Klutz stepped in between them.

“Gentlemen! Gentlemen!” he said. “There's no need to get nasty here. Remember, Benjamin Franklin is on the
hundred
-dollar bill. Does that mean he's better than both of you?”

The two presidents looked at Mr. Klutz.

“Who asked you?” said Abraham Lincoln as he shoved Mr. Klutz out of the way.

“Oooooh!” went all the kids.

“The Washington Monument is
way
taller than the Lincoln Memorial,” George Washington told Abraham Lincoln.

“You have wooden teeth!” Abraham Lincoln told George Washington. “And you probably wear that silly wig to hide your bald spot!”

“Oooooh!” went all the kids.

“I refuse to fight,” said George Washington. “I am a peace-loving man.”

“Nobody loves peace more than I do,”
said Abraham Lincoln.

“Oh yeah?” said Washington. “You want to fight over who loves peace the most?”

“Oooooh!” went all the kids.

“Bring it on, old man!” said Lincoln. “I'll kick your butt!”

I couldn't believe Abraham Lincoln
said “butt”!

The next thing we knew, both presidents started fighting! George Washington put Abraham Lincoln in a headlock! Then Abraham Lincoln picked George Washington up over his head and started spinning him around! Soon the two of them were fighting on the floor.

It was cool. You should have been there. All the kids started cheering and yelling. It was just like watching professional wrestling on a big-screen TV.

“Break it up!” shouted Mr. Klutz as he separated the two presidents. “Calm down, both of you! You should be ashamed of yourselves. Go to my office.”

Wow! Kids get sent to the principal's office all the time, but that was the first time I ever saw a
grown-up
get sent there.

Finally everybody calmed down. It was time to vote for the president of Ella Mentry School. Miss Daisy and the other teachers passed out pieces of paper and pencils. We were told to write
WASHINGTON
or
LINCOLN
on our paper.

“Whoever gets the most votes will be the president of Ella Mentry School,” announced Mr. Klutz. “The majority rules. That's what democracy and fair elections are all about.”

Hmm. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were both pretty cool guys.
I couldn't make up my mind which one to vote for.

That's when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world! I decided I wasn't going to vote for
either
of those guys. I took my piece of paper and wrote this:

I VOTE FOR MR. WIGGLES.

I passed my paper over to Neil the nude kid. Neil giggled and passed my paper over to Ryan. Ryan giggled, and
he
passed my paper over to Michael. They passed my paper all the way down the row so our whole class saw it. I don't know what happened to it after that, but there was a lot of giggling in the all-purpose room.

“If everybody is finished voting,” said Mr. Klutz, “please pass your papers to your teachers so they can tally up the votes.”

We passed our papers to Miss Daisy, and she counted the votes for our class. Mrs. Patty, the school secretary, came out of the office with a calculator. Each teacher told Mrs. Patty how her class voted, and Mrs. Patty added up the votes. It took about a million hundred minutes. Finally she handed a piece of paper to Mr. Klutz.

“And the president of Ella Mentry School is…
Mr. Wiggles
?”

All the kids started yelling and
screaming and cheering. Neil the nude kid's pet ferret was the new president of Ella Mentry School!

“Hooray for Mr. Wiggles!” we all shouted. “Hip hip hooray!”