Mumnesia (6 page)

‘There isn’t even a cheque book!’ she moans,
plonking her fedora on the counter. ‘And I don’t have
enough cash!’

Oh, I get it! Her PIN! ‘Sorry, Shazza,’ I whisper.
‘I don’t know your PIN number. We’ll have to go
and get some cash from the bank with your ID – after
you’ve got changed
in the changing rooms
.’ I
grab her arm.

‘Hang on.’ She stares at me. ‘It’s a
number
?’

‘Yes, madam, your four-digit
personal identification
number
.’ The assistant rolls his eyes.

‘Why didn’t you say so?!’ Shazza cries,
grabbing the machine.

‘Yes, why
didn’t
you?’ The manager
glares at the assistant, who cowers.

‘What are you doing?’ I ask as Shazza punches
several buttons.

She frowns at the screen. ‘“Incorrect PIN”?
But that’s my favourite number! Unless . . .’

‘You can’t just
guess
!’ I protest as
she presses more numbers.

‘Why not? Hmm, not my birthday either. I
know!’

‘Shazza, no!
You only get three tries!
’ I
lunge for the machine but I’m too late.

‘“PIN accepted”!’ Shazza crows
triumphantly.

‘What?’ I stare at the machine as it prints the
receipt. ‘But how did you . . . what number was
it?’

‘It wasn’t a number,’ she whispers as she
picks up her shopping bags. ‘I mean, it
was
, but . .
.’

‘Huh?’

‘The keys had letters on too.’ Shazza smiles.
‘It was your name.’

‘My . . . wow.’ A warm feeling tingles through me
as I link my arm through hers. ‘Come on, you, let’s
get out of here – and no more wandering off! I was worried
sick! Anything could’ve happened to you!’

Shazza hangs her head. ‘Sorry, Mum,’ she says
meekly – and we both burst out laughing.

‘If only I’d had that musical-insect-phone thingy,
I could’ve called you,’ Shazza says as I hand her
mobile back to her.

‘Right – except
I
haven’t got
one,’ I sigh. ‘Mum thinks I’m too
young.’

‘Wait, you don’t have a phone?’ Shazza
gasps. ‘But what if we get separated? How will I find you?
Lucy, you totally, absolutely, definitely need a mobile phone!
This instant!’

I grin.

It’s raining as we head outside, but
luckily uber-organized Mum
always
has an umbrella in her
handbag. We huddle under it, arm in arm, as we hurry down the
high street, giggling as I try to avoid the puddles – while
Shazza splashes through them all!

‘Ooh, look – someone’s getting
married!’ she cries, stopping suddenly outside the registry
office as a wedding party spills out in a flurry of umbrellas and
confetti. ‘I still can’t believe I got married in a
registry office. I still can’t believe I’m
married
!’

‘Come on.’ I tug her arm. ‘It’s
freezing.’
And let’s get off the topic of
marriage!

‘Hang on, they’re all coming out –
let’s just wait for the bride. I want to see what modern
wedding dresses look like!’

‘You’ll be waiting a long time,’ I say with
a smile.

‘What do you mean?’ She frowns.

I nod at the two guys getting showered with confetti as
everyone else takes photos.

Shazza stares at me, gobsmacked. ‘It’s two
men
getting married? Is that legal?’

‘Course.’ I smile. ‘Same-sex marriage is no
big deal these days. I mean, some people still have issues, but
why shouldn’t everyone be allowed to marry the person they
love?’

‘Well, of course, they should – they totally
should. That’s . . . wow, that’s awesome.’ She
beams. ‘It’s a whole new world!’

‘No, it’s just not the eighties any more,
Shazza!’ I laugh.

Shazza’s mind continues to be blown in
the phone shop. ‘Why are all the mobiles named after
fruit
?’ she asks. ‘They’re not even
fruit-shaped!’

‘That’s what Mum always says,’ I giggle.
Maybe she hasn’t changed that much after all.

‘They’re so small – and so cheap!’
Shazza continues.

This time I laugh out loud. ‘That is so NOT what Mum
says!’

‘In the eighties they’re like, thousands of
pounds! And majorly huge – like bricks!’

‘Really?’ I smile. ‘So . . . ninety
quid’s a bargain then, huh?’

‘Totally!’

OMG, I love Shazza!

Unfortunately, now that it’s stopped
raining Shazza sticks out like a sore thumb as we walk through
town. Loads of people turn and stare, and I can’t really
blame them – especially as she keeps running around and
pointing at things, shouting weird eighties words!
#Embarrassing

I pull my hood up, my cheeks burning, hoping we don’t
bump into anyone we know – I would never live this
down.

And neither would Mum, I realize suddenly. It’s not just
my reputation at stake.

I grab Shazza’s arm. ‘I’m tired –
let’s go home.’

‘What? No way!’ she protests, pulling free.
‘I’m only here for a day – I want to make the
most of it!’

My heart sinks.

‘Come on, if you’d just travelled here from the
eighties, what would you do?’

I think fast. ‘How about a movie?’

‘Awesome!’

‘Cool!’ I grin. No one will be able to see us in
the dark!

‘No
way
is this a
cinema!’ Shazza gasps as we walk into the multiplex.
‘It’s enormous!’

‘It has to be, to fit twelve screens,’ I
explain.

‘OMGA!
Twelve screens?
No way!’ Shazza
squeals, running towards the ticket counter like an overhyped
toddler.

‘Way!’ I grin, racing after her. ‘So what do
you wanna see?’

‘Lucy?’ calls a familiar voice. ‘Is that
you?’

I turn to see the Megababes. Oh crumpets! So much for keeping
out of sight . . .

‘Nice hair!’ Megan says as they join the queue
behind us. ‘I
almost
didn’t recognize
you!’

‘Oh. Thanks!’ I smile. Wait, that
was
a
compliment, wasn’t it?

‘You must be Lucy’s mum! I love your nose-stud,
Mrs Andrews!’ Megan beams at Shazza.

‘Thanks!’ she replies. ‘Call me
Shazza.’

‘
Shazza?
’ Megan’s eyes widen.
‘Wow! Lovely to meet you,
Shazza
. How
sweet
!
I don’t think my mum’s taken me to the cinema since I
was about . . . eight?’

The other Megababes snigger, and Nicole whispers,
‘Lame.’

#KillMeNow

‘So you must be Megan,’ Shazza says sweetly.

‘I am!’ Megan flicks her silky blonde hair
smugly.

‘Well, I’m so sorry your mum doesn’t have
time for you, Megan,’ Shazza says, ‘but at least you
have your clones.’

Megan’s smile slips. ‘My
what
?’

‘Your lovely clothes!’ Shazza smiles.
‘They’re gorgeous!’

‘Oh.’ Megan blinks, looking confused.
‘Thanks.’

I bite down hard on my lip to hide my smile.

‘So, what movie are you girls seeing today?’
Shazza asks.

‘The new romcom,’ Nicole replies, nodding at a
poster behind the counter of a loved-up teenage couple.

‘How
sweet
!’ Shazza grins.

‘Next!’ the ticket guy calls to us.

‘Two for
Mutant Zombie Vampires
, please,’
Shazza says. The Megababes gasp and I stare at Shazza.
Mutant
Zombie Vampires
is a fifteen!

‘Um, do you have any ID?’ the ticket guy asks.

Shazza raises an eyebrow. ‘Young man, how
old
do
I look to you?’

It takes all my willpower not to burst out laughing.

‘Uh, I meant your, er, daughter,’ he says, his
ears flushing bright red. ‘Is she fifteen?’

‘Do you really think I’d bring her if she
wasn’t?’ Shazza narrows her eyes.

‘Um, n-no, of course not!’ he stutters. ‘But
I-I’m really meant to see ID . . .’

‘I am her mother. I think I know how old my own daughter
is.’

‘Of course, it’s just –’ He looks
around desperately for help, but all the other staff are busy
serving customers. ‘We’re meant to
check—’

‘Are you calling me a
liar
?’ Shazza
demands, her voice dangerously quiet.

‘No! No, of
course
not!’

‘Well, then! Two tickets, please – at the
front!’

Utterly defeated, the poor guy meekly obeys.

‘That –’ I giggle as we walk away –
‘was totally awesome!’

And the most awesome thing of all is the look on the
Megababes’ faces as we walk away.
Now
who’s
lame?

‘Wait!’ the ticket guy calls after us.
‘Don’t forget your glasses!’

‘Glasses?’ Shazza spins round. ‘You
cheeky—’

‘Thank you!’ I say, hurriedly collecting the 3D
glasses he’s holding before Shazza can ruin everything.

‘Oh . . . I thought he was calling me old,’ she
whispers as I steer her away from the Megababes. ‘Why do we
need these? Are they a free gift?’

‘No,’ I hiss. ‘You wear them to watch the
movie.’

‘
Really?
Why? Are future cinema screens, like,
really tiny? Or are we miles from the screen? And these look more
like sunglasses – why on earth do we need sunglasses
inside
? In the
dark
? This makes absolutely no
sense!’

‘Wait and see.’ I grin. This is going to be
classic.

‘AAAARGH!’ I scream as the
zombie literally crawls OUT OF THE SCREEN!

‘Shush!’ Lucy hisses.

‘But he’s coming to get me!’ I
whimper. The zombie’s slimy rotting hand reaches straight
for my throat and I grab a shopping bag to shield myself. Is this
what happens in future cinemas? The characters actually ATTACK
you? ‘We have to get out of here!’

‘Shhhh, it’s OK!’ Lucy
whispers. ‘It’s just the glasses!’

The glasses? I take them off and the zombie
instantly becomes blurry, the screen flat again.

‘B-but how? And
why
? Are they
magic
?’ I gaze at them in awe.

‘Be quiet!’ someone behind us
scolds.

Suddenly Lucy squeals.

‘What happened?’ I squint at the
screen, but it’s hard to make out what’s going on
without the weird glasses.

‘The girl’s gone into the haunted
house!’ Lucy whispers nervously.

‘What a doofus!’ I hiss. ‘Now
what’s happening?’

‘Please BE QUIET!’ the man behind us
chides. I turn and stick my tongue out at him and his jaw drops
in surprise. Oh yeah, I’m meant to be, like,
forty-something. Oops.

When I turn back I’ve no idea what’s
happening, so finally, hesitantly, I put the glasses back on
again . . . BIG MISTAKE!

‘AAAAARGH!’ I shriek as a
chainsaw-wielding vampire lunges towards me, laughing manically.
That’s it – I can’t take any more! I grab my
bags, jump out of my seat and flee, Lucy hot on my heels.

‘I’m going to have nightmares for
weeks!’ I cry, bursting out of the cinema on to the dark
street outside. ‘Why would anyone want to watch
that
?’ I shudder. ‘It’s
horrible
!’

Lucy laughs, pulls my weird glasses off my face,
tosses them in a bin, and hooks her arm through mine.
‘Let’s go home.’

On the way back we pick up essentials
(sweets, crisps, doughnuts) from the supermarket – or, as
Shazza called it, the ‘super-duper-market’!
(‘Holy guacamole! Since when did shops become the size of
airports
? How much food do people
need
? And is that
a television? And clothes? OMGA, do they sell
EVERYTHING?’)

Shopping has never been so much fun!

Back home I tuck into the sweets while Shazza parades around
her bedroom in her new outfits, like a model on a catwalk.

‘Mum is so going to flip when she sees all her new
clothes!’ I giggle as Shazza strikes a pose.

‘You think she – I – won’t remember
buying them?’ Shazza frowns.

I shrug. ‘I don’t know what she – you
– will remember. I hope you don’t forget everything
though.’

‘I’m sure I’ll love them,’ Shazza
says, pouting at herself in the mirror. ‘After all,
I’m still me, right?’

‘Right . . .’

But really the only resemblance between Shazza and my mother
is purely physical, and since her makeover even that’s
faded a lot. If her voice didn’t sound just the same and if
she didn’t have the same eyes and wrinkles, I
wouldn’t believe she was actually the same person at
all.

My phone bleeps from where it’s charging on the bedside
table. It’s Kimmy, accepting my TeenSpace friend request. I
can’t believe I can finally go on social media!

How RU? Hope UR feeling Bettr

I feel a twinge of guilt that she thinks I’m ill –
we don’t usually keep any secrets from each other –
but it’s late now and it’d take ages to explain about
skipping school and my magic wish and Mum turning into Shazza,
and to be honest, I just want to make the most of the time
I’ve got left with Shazza; after all, she’ll be gone
tomorrow. I’ll tell Kimmy all about it then!

Suddenly Zak’s picture pops up on my phone as he updates
his profile. He looks even more gorgeous than ever – if
that’s possible. If only
he’d
accept my friend
request . . . but of course he probably has absolutely no idea
who I am.

‘Ooh, who’s that?’ Shazza says, peering over
my shoulder.

‘That’s Zak.’ I smile. ‘The fittest
guy at school.’

‘He does a lot of sport?’

‘No,
fit
– you know,
good-looking.’

‘Oh right!’ She flops down next to me on the bed.
‘So is he your
boyfriend
?’ She winks.

‘I wish!’ I laugh. ‘Besides, Mum thinks
he’s too old for me. He’s just turned
fourteen.’

‘Pah!’ Shazza laughs. ‘Trev’s, like,
fourteen and a
half
.’

#JawDrop. So not only did Mum have a boyfriend when she was my
age, he was more than two years older than her! Hypocrite!