Museum of the Weird (5 page)

Two and half miles of cement laid on the Collegeport road in less than three weeks is some progress. Thus does our “nine-foot sidewalk” grow.

The sidewalk grows unobserved, save for the men building it. Once it is there, everyone walks on it, assuming it has always been. It has not always been.

Rosalie and her sister buying candy.

Rosalie and her sister enchant all who fall under their gaze. Their pockets are stuffed with peppermint sticks. A flock of orioles groom their brunette hair. Black ribbons tied in timber hitch knots flutter from their ankles. The bloom of youth!

The extra engine crew eating breakfast at the Come-Inn.

The boys are back from Kingsville and tired from the journey but Gus Franzen puts them directly to work, shoring up the building’s foundation and repairing the wooden slats around the door. The men blot their faces with rags under the shade tree out back and lay the load of sopping rags in rows to dry. Gus Franzen serves them lemonade and promises to have their rags cleaned before the next dinner service.

Old Sport coming home for an extra meal.

Proprietors of local restaurants wave to him as he walks, saying Hello, Emmitt, care for a drink? A moment off your feet? They know that if they get Old Sport in, they won’t have to sell another plate for the rest of the night. He’ll eat a porterhouse steak before he sits down. The proprietors claim he eats more than the President, though this claim is unsubstantiated. Today, Old Sport waves them all off. He goes home and sits across the table from his new grandson. Together, they eat creamed peas. These happy days will not last.

Buckshot catching a rabbit.

Naming a dog Buckshot seems a cruel thing, like telling the dog he will never be as effective as his namesake. Such an insult is similar to giving a boy the name of his father.

A mocking bird bringing material for a nest. A little late, but it will soon house four eggs.

A little late, thinks the mocking bird, settling down over her doomed eggs. Her mate brings the sliced-off top of a strawberry for her. He perches on the side of the nest and watches her eat the rare treat. He watches the strawberry, which he still tastes on his beak. He watches the eggs upon which his mate sits. A little late, he says. A little late, she responds. It becomes part of their call to one another:
A-little-late! A-little-late!

A big crane walking in the slough.

The big crane resolved to kill the goose when he got it alone. He walked the slough for hours, moving slowly from his nest across the field to the spot where the goose would be sounding its rasping call. When he arrives, the big crane sees the goose is not alone. In fact, the goose has an entire audience of pitiable folk. A family with young children watches, mouths agape. Three men stand in a group with their cigarettes. A young woman sits in the passenger seat of an auto, weeping. The big crane, not given to sentimentality, turns and walks home.

A road runner hastening across the new road grade.

A road that slices through shoes leaves no trace on the bird. It is a magical bird on a magical road, the kind of road that chooses its travelers instead of the other way around. This road dreams of becoming less traveled. Orioles flock to the road and line up in rows on either side. They dive after bugs flying off windshields as the autos paint a deep insult of two matching grooved tracks. The road groans and is compressed.

Way off yonder a dog howls.

That damn dog is laughing.

The recent heavy rain insures a good crop so says Gus Franzen.

Gus Franzen stands before his ruined Come-Inn, which inspectors determined was a danger to the public. Workers come from Galveston with notices and boards, stepping over rows of rags. They shutter the place far more efficiently than he ever ran it. Gus Franzen watches them work. After the men are gone, he collects the rags one by one and puts them in a basket.

TRIP ADVISORY: THE BOYHOOD HOME OF FORMER PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN

Before you visit the Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan, you should first note that there are, in actuality,
many
Boyhood Homes of Former President Ronald Reagan. Choose wisely and you will find yourself in the fully restored Boyhood Home that served as a Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan from 1920 to 1923. It is located in Dixon, Illinois, home of the Petunia Festival.

For the purposes of this report, think of the Dixon, Illinois, home—where Former President Ronald Reagan spent the ninth, 10th, 11th, and 12th years of his life: essential, formative years— as the Definitive Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan and, therefore, as the only Boyhood Home that will be discussed, though he was born above a bakery and surely felt on many occasions the wholesome heat of warm bread.

Very little of the furniture, carpeting, foundation, and artifacts within the Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan is original to the site. The reason for this is that old things smell terrible.

Within the Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan, you will find Former President Ronald Reagan’s Fully Restored Boyhood Bedroom, featuring items you might expect a 9-, 10-, 11-, or 12-year-old boy to have owned between the years of 1920 and 1923. These items cycle seasonally within the Home and could include baseball cards, autograph books, footballs, and wooden cup-and-ball toys. While Former President Ronald Reagan never actually touched or considered these actual artifacts, you will be encouraged to observe and consider the objects in terms of their importance to Our Nation’s History. Think: Would Former President Ronald Reagan have excelled at cup-and-ball, or would he have swung the toy around by its handle and launched it onto the roof, and how might those actions have later affected his Cold War policy?

The importance of visiting the Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan to your personal life is clear and unchallenged. Touring the Home will give you a powerful feeling: You will realize that, in fact, we all had Boyhood or Girlhood homes, and that, though none of us are destined for the greatness that awaited 9-year-old Ronald Reagan, we all have a manner of greatness within us, untapped perhaps for many years, but held there in the heart, like a secret.

One part of the Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan serves as a centerpiece to visitors and Boyhood Home employees: four pennies, hidden in the spaces in the brick wall. Former President Ronald Reagan insisted on replacing the pennies at the final ceremonies for the Restored Boyhood Home, and while he replaced the pennies, he told the lucky crowd in attendance that, as a child, he used to hide money in the bricks of that very wall. Of course, the wall was actually not original, but completely restored, and Former President Ronald Reagan had in fact called ahead to order the workers to leave one brick loose, so that he might tell the story and replace the pennies and please the crowd. The show was always of paramount importance to Former President Ronald Reagan, and, if visitors concentrate, they might be able to picture an 11-year-old Ronald Reagan hiding the pennies in the bricks of the wall and dreaming of the day that he might place different pennies in restored bricks, put there specially for him, so that he might tell the story.

It should be noted that the four pennies in the brick within the Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan are not the pennies that Ronald Reagan placed within the brick while telling the story at the final ceremonies for the Restored Boyhood Home. The pennies are actually replica pennies, but are within view of the Actual Pennies Former President Ronald Reagan used during the ceremony. The Actual Pennies are of great value and are mounted to a plaque over the mantle. The replica pennies, meanwhile, have their own worth beyond monetary value, for they act as a symbol of a symbol of a very powerful symbol.

Visitors are advised to take care in preparing for the Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan. All are encouraged to wash their hands before touching doorknobs and rails, to wear shoes with soft soles, and to speak quietly and with reverence. Visitors are reminded to refrain from flash photography, to not carry in food or drink, and to take the time to respect each orderly room of the Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan, because it is integral to the history of the world, because it is sacred ground.

CODE OF OPERATION: SNAKE FARM

The thing is that everyone is jealous and I hate to say it but everyone is jealous because I am finally creating a SNAKE FARM which has been my lifelong dream, and I spent a very long time in the world saving up for this dream to become a reality as they say on the television
for this dream to become a reality
and at each of the jobs (gas station, collision repair, hardware store) I pinched the pennies and thought about how to create a SNAKE FARM that will really appeal to the masses and I came up with a plan and detailed it in a notebook because I have always been told that
I have fine organizational skills
. The plan is as follows:

Safety First!

The goal of the SNAKE FARM is not only to make lots of $$$ but to show the public once and for all that SNAKES are not FRIGHTENING, many are not even DEADLY but that they are SAFE and often FRIENDLY. It is therefore important that the snakes who are a danger to the community be placed under wire mesh cages and that only
trained professionals such as myself
will handle the snakes. In the occasion that a garter/green snake seems interested in being touched, children may hold and touch the snakes. Pythons will be touched but not while digesting
because disturbing the lunch of a snake is cruel.

Care and Comfort!

It should be known that SNAKES are not used to THE GOOD LIFE. They are used to being compared with evil, being that they have no legs, being that they tempted
that woman
, being that they DO have the ability to defend themselves. If visitors only realized that
many of us have the ability to defend ourselves but that we do not advertise this ability with fangs
, they could understand how CLOSE we are to snakes. In the meantime, the habitat of the snakes will be improved with soft dirt, places to shed scales (dark places), fresh food (living) and other surprises that even the snakes could not foresee.

Visiting Hours!

The snakes do not live in a hospital and should therefore not be confined to the hours that a nameless faceless ENTITY has chosen for them. Obviously the snakes cannot talk but their disposition on any given day will determine the SNAKE FARM hours of operation. If for example the snakes are coiled around a tree, the hours will be shortened. If the snakes seem interested in visiting by displaying
tendencies
(sunning themselves on rocks, showing healthy appetite), hours will be extended
until the snakes are tired of this treatment
. The hours of operation will be determined daily via a MAJORITY VOTE among the snakes.

Owner Tours!

As the proprietor of the SNAKE FARM and owner of the land the snakes the cages the information kiosk and the refreshment stand I WILL PERSONALLY give
special behind-the-scenes tours
to all willing to pay a slightly accelerated fee. Visitors paying this fee will have the pleasure of seeing 1) the holding pens and preparation for feeding time, 2) the process of preserving sheddings, and 3) the OWNER’S OFFICE which contains many plans for future expanding, including a small coaster ride for children, coasters being the obvious choice as they are snake-shaped and children riding along them will understand
the serpentine quality of many things
.

Suggested Dress!

All visitors to the SNAKE FARM will be advised to come prepared with the proper clothing which will be: long pants for the men and children, shoes with closed-toes, shirts untucked (important in case of accidental snake release). Long dresses for ladies, to make it difficult for snakes to cling (in case of accidental release). Ladies will be advised to wear a floral print in soft colors, to soothe and comfort the snakes. Fellow visitors and employees of the SNAKE FARM may be
soothed and comforted incidentally
but the snakes in THIS and ALL situations are the #1 PRIORITY.

Research Projects!

The SNAKE FARM will become
a center of research for the county
, drawing students from public schools as well as scholars from the local farm and community colleges. Because of the potential for RESEARCH on interesting and unusual snakes there will be a special day set aside for these students to observe and experiment. Of course the snakes will be cared for and at ANY SIGN OF DISTRESS the experiment will be OVER and the SNAKE FARM will go into LOCKDOWN. To avoid contamination and
maintain a professional atmosphere
, lab coats will be provided.