My Bad Boy's Secret: A Bad Boy Billionaire Romance (24 page)

              About once every year, Rose, the kids, and I move somewhere new and get new names and identities. We don’t have any choice in selecting them. They’re created for us. The government insists it’s for our own good and I don’t trust them, but at least they foot the bill for moving us and doing all the paperwork.

              Today we’ve arrived in our new home, and we’re still unloading and unpacking our stuff. I keep my beard a lot shorter these days, which disappoints Rose, but it’s a necessary precaution. I look a lot different from how I used to, which will make it harder for anyone who wants to hurt us to find us. Believe me, despite how much we’ve moved and how often we change our appearances and names, we’re still in danger.

              Rose hasn’t worked for the Atlanta DA’s office for years, obviously. The feds gave her a new job, which is living with and keeping an eye on me. Officially, she’s a federal witness protection handler and chaperone. It’s a fancy title, but her main duties are making sure I don’t get in any trouble again and seeing that I’m behaving myself.

              Ever since Rose used her law degree and legal expertise to wrangle that deal with the government three years ago, I’ve been fulfilling my end of the bargain. I work for the government too, only I don’t really have an official title. The government likes to keep me a secret, not just to keep me alive, but so the public won’t know about their dirty work. I guess you could call me a government assassin, if this were a movie and you insisted on giving my job a name. I find people the government doesn’t like, and I make sure they stop antagonizing the government. In return, I get a fat paycheck and a cozy life with the woman I love.

              I’m basically still a killer for hire, and I hate it. To be fair, most of my victims these days are guilty, and do deserve to die. I’ve killed neo-Nazis, far-left radicals, right-wing militia members, Islamic terrorists, serial killers, anarchists, and all sorts of criminals who pose a threat and need to be dealt with. Instead of other criminals, I now work for the people who make the law and punish criminals. Instead of any innocent person a gang wants snuffed out, I kill people who are breaking the law. A lot of my kills these days are big time criminals the government would love to put behind bars, but are much too sly and elusive to arrest and prosecute, so instead of going through all the legal channels, they just give me instructions and a sniper rifle and let me do my thing.

              Never in a billion years did I think I would end up like this. First of all, I’m somehow still alive. When as a kid I was sure that I would be dead by the time I was 21 from the life I was leading. Not only that, I’m alive and happy, thanks to getting to live with Rose and her kids, who are actually getting used to calling me “dad”. Me, a father? That’s just too crazy for me to even imagine. And finally, how the hell am I working for the government? I always hated the police, hated lawyers, and hated politicians. They were my natural enemies. They made the laws, arbitrarily decided what was legal and what wasn’t, and put me and my friends in jail. I swore that I’d cut my balls off before cooperating with the feds, and if I ever learned that any of my friends helped the government, I’d kill them myself. A guy like me working for the government is like a drug dealer working for D.A.R.E.

              Yet every month, the government sends me and Rose a salary and pays my bills. I’d never say this out loud, but I’m thankful for what they do. That doesn’t mean that I enjoy what I do for a living. If I could, I’d quit my job today and find a new one tomorrow.

              I try to educate myself and learn new things when I’m not out working. Sometimes, I’m gone for weeks at a time, because I have to fly to another country in order to reach my target. Rose tells Jessica and Amber that I’m going on hunting and fishing trips, which is one way of putting it. Visiting another country is another thing I never dreamed I would ever do. On my business trips, though, all I’m doing is business. I never got the chance to actually visit that church with all the round domes in Moscow or dive in the Great Barrier Reef. I only have time to go there and kill someone, then get out before someone notices me. I went to the top of the Eiffel Tower, but that was just so I could get the best vantage point for sniping.

              When I’m not busy with work, I like to stay home, spend time with my family, and have the sort of normal life I never had before. Since I never got to finish high school, I studied for my G.E.D., and finally got it last year. I started reading for fun. I never read a single book in my life before. I hadn’t read anything for fun since I was in elementary school. My only hobby back then was watching TV. Now I’m trying out sports, I went to the beach a few times when we lived in Florida, and I take classes online. I don’t really have a specific plan for what I want to learn, but I want to learn a little bit of everything. I’ve signed up for cooking, science, math, history, philosophy, and a ton of other stuff I knew nothing about. This embarrasses me, but I remember not so long ago that I didn’t even know that The Great Pyramids were in Egypt. Even the kids laughed at me for not knowing. Rose tried not to giggle.

              I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life as just some dumb guy who killed people for money. I really hoped that wasn’t all I was good for. I wanted to be a normal person, and know and do all the things regular people like Rose know and do. I wish I could wash away the old me, get rid of the bad Blake and the crimes he’d committed, and start living as an honest person. I pray that there’s some spell or formula to exorcise myself of my demons, and I’d do anything to learn it. I want to be cleansed.

              It’s been three years, and I’ve pretty much given up on that.

              Today is Sunday. This is usually the only day of the week when I have nothing to do, at least for my job. I usually sleep in, but today I feel like I can’t do it. I’m already awake, thanks to that nightmare I had again. I toss and turn and wake up drenched in sweat, screaming from the things I see. Rose worries for me, and says it’s called post-traumatic stress disorder. The innocent people I’ve hurt and almost getting killed linger with me. Today, I remain silent after that bad dream, but I’m still a bit shaken up.

              I brushed my teeth and brewed some coffee. I made some for Rose, knowing she likes it strong. I scrambled some eggs, prepared toast, and even made waffles, since those are Rose’s favorite. I want our Sundays to be special.

              I put it all on a plate and brought it to her. She was just beginning to get up.

              “Rise and shine, Rosie,” I whispered to her, brushing my lips across her gorgeous face. She was an angel even when she woke up with her hair messy and her face free of makeup.

              She opened her eyes and smiled widely when she saw my presentation. “Thank you so much, Blake. Breakfast in bed? You charmer, what’s the occasion?” She kissed me back, and our mouths played around.

              “Because it’s a new day, and I love you,” I answered. I loved doing these sweet things for her, and she enjoyed treating me as well. These small acts of kindness kept our passion alive. After years of being together, we weren’t bored of each other. Seeing her after a while apart still made my heart skip. I missed her terribly when I was away from her for even a few days. Being alone again made me nervous that I might be alone for my whole life again. I knew it was a dumb thing to think, but sometimes I was sure I was sleeping and having a really long dream, and I’d wake up and be back in Detroit, still killing people for cash and working for thugs. Rose was my anchor, my sign, my assurance that my life was different now. I wondered if she thought of me this way too.

              “I love you,” Rose murmured into my cheek as she kissed me and felt my stubble. We kept kissing and feeling each other.

              “Eat up, your breakfast will get cold,” I told her, giving her a kiss on her forehead. I lay back on my side of the bed and drank my coffee, even though I knew this would aggravate Rose. She told me millions of times to never drink coffee in bed, worried that I might spill it.

              Sure enough, she gave me a dirty look. “What did I tell you about coffee in bed?” she asked with her mouth full of eggs and bread and in a voice she used with Jessica and Amber often.

              I smiled slyly back. “Didn’t your mom ever teach you to never talk with your mouth full?” It was fun playing around with her.

              Rose pushed me playfully. “Don’t change the subject!” She slammed her head back onto her pillow and sighed. “God, this is why we’ll never get married! You’d piss me off by breaking all the rules, and I’d always be stuck having to clean up after you!”

              For some reason, hearing about marriage was a punch to my gut. I sometimes fooled myself into thinking that we were already married. After being together all this time and being in love for so long, we weren’t actually married. I had no ring for her. I haven’t even proposed to her. Not because I’m afraid she’ll say no, there’s no way she would say no, but because I don’t know if it’s safe for us to marry. Legally, we weren’t a couple. We were just boyfriend and girlfriend. I hated using those words. They felt like words for teenagers. We were adults, a man and a woman who loved each other. We should be husband and wife.

              “Rose, you know that… you know why we really can’t get married, right?” My voice came out really soft, like a baby. I surprised myself by how I could be so weak sometimes.

              When Rose looked at me, she wasn’t smiling anymore. She was serious.

              “I know, Blake,” she said very quietly and firmly. “If we do tie the knot, we’d have to get a marriage certificate and all sorts of paperwork. I know what the process is like. We’d have to put our real names out there. The word would get out. We’d put ourselves at risk. It would undo everything we’ve built.”

              “Plus, who would we even invite?” I tried to lighten the mood.

              This time, Rose laughed. It wasn’t a fun laugh, though. It was bitter, and it made me feel worse. I wanted to give her a happy laugh. She knew what I meant. Moving every year didn’t give us much time to form bonds with anyone. It was also tough on the kids, who hated having to change schools, work hard to make new friends, and then lose their new friends right after they made them. We never got to blend in with the community. We couldn’t make friends, join clubs, or be normal people. Neither of us felt brave enough to ever invite people into our home. We didn’t have anyone else we considered close friends. Rose rarely ever talked to her friends and family ever since she met me, and I blamed myself. Maybe that was stupid, but I blamed lots of things on myself. I fucked up Rose’s life, I put her and her kids in danger, and I robbed them of their lives and the chance to be normal.

I sometimes fantasized what it would be like if I never met them. Maybe they’d be happy, living in a place they permanently called home, Rose would marry a nice guy, and I’d be dead and in the ground like I deserved.

“Blake, what’s wrong? You look awful. Did I say something?” Rose looked concerned and hurt. I must have let my feelings show.

I didn’t want to talk about it. I leaned over to kiss her, but she put her hands on my chest and pushed me back. “Don’t be like that. Tell me what’s on your mind. You always try to avoid talking.”

“It’s nothing important…” I tried to say, but Rose put her fingers on my lips to stop me.

“Bull. It’s important. I’ve seen this face before. You’re never going to cure yourself of it if you keep moping and hiding. I hate seeing you like this. Just talk to me.”

I could tell I had no choice. Rose was dead-set on making me share. I loved her forcefulness and bravery. It was just one of the things that made her so sexy and unique.

I collected my thoughts. “I’m scared, OK? I’m scared. I know you look at me, a big guy, and you probably think I’m a pussy for feeling scared, but inside, I worry every day. I know it’s stupid, but I actually sometimes think I’m living in a dream. My life today is so perfect, so peaceful, and so much better than I thought it could ever be. And it feels unreal to me. Sometimes I don’t think you and Jessica and Amber are real. And in one moment, if I’m not careful, I might lose you. I’ll fall down, or slip, or hurt myself, and I’ll wake up back in my old life. I never met you, and I’m still living on my own, being a thug. Killing people, wasting my life, dying someday from a bullet to the head and no one knowing who I am. I don’t want to wake up!” It was harder and harder for me to talk. My voice was straining and I felt tears flowing out of my eyes and down my cheeks. My throat was choking up.

I tried to hug Rose, but she embraced me first and kissed me, trying to breathe air into my lungs. “Blake, you don’t have to feel bad. It’s not your fault. It’s normal to feel like that. You’re not in a dream, and you’re not going to lose me and our kids. You’re not going back to that life. You won’t die alone. I know who you used to be, and you haven’t been that man for a long time. When you destroyed my car that day, I had a glimpse of the old you, and I wanted nothing to do with that guy. But I haven’t seen him in ages. You’ve been through a lot of horrible things in your life, but just know that I am real, and I am never going to leave you or hurt you. We are going to get through this together.” She held my head to her chest and kissed my head.