My Beautiful Failure (16 page)

L
isteners. Can I help you?”

It’s me.

“Thank God you called, Jenney. There’s nobody here. I really need to talk to you.”

You’re not going to believe what happened.

“My dad totally lost it today. He really is manic. He started yelling at my sister’s friend.”

Oh, no, Billy. That’s awful.

“He’s had a total personality change. He used to be this funny, cool, low-key guy, and now he’s turned into an egomaniac no one can stand. At least, I can’t stand. He has this idea that he’s a tremendous painter. He’s inviting all these museum and media people to this art show that he’s having on December fourth, and it’s going to be an absolute fiasco.”

Are you sure?

“Yes. Because his work is really bad. Like, embarrassingly bad.”

That must make you so sad. Does your mom know about this? What does she think?

“My mom doesn’t entirely accept a realistic interpretation of what’s going on. She’s in it with him, like a mutual delusion. I’m just dreading it. Every day that goes by brings me closer to being humiliated.”

Why do you have to be humiliated? I told you before. You’re not the one who’s a bad artist.

“You’re right. But I hate the idea of even being there. I should make a point of being far, far away. Listen, what’s going on with you? You sound really anxious.”

I’m in a state of panic. It’s been the worst day. I wish I hadn’t even gotten out of bed this morning.

“You had a crappy day too?”

Crappy doesn’t begin to describe it.

“Take a deep breath. What’s going on?”

My parents.

“Oh, no. What are they trying to pull this time?”

It was awful. And I feel bad but I don’t, because I think it was my fault. Wait. That didn’t make sense.

“They contacted you?”

They sent me a letter. And then my mom called.

“What did she want?”

They’re doing it. They’re taking action against Melinda. Just like they threatened to.

“No! What reason could they possibly have?”

We had another argument about it. They said they’re giving me one more chance to stop treatment with her and take back the accusations, and if I don’t, they’re going to sue Melinda and have her license taken away.

“They would really do that?”

How can they blame me? They’re the ones who ruined our relationship. They’re the ones who couldn’t be trusted. I didn’t ask to remember these things.

“Did they say they blamed you?”

Sorry, I can hardly talk. It’s too much sometimes. Sometimes the feelings are overwhelming.
The soft clicking noise returned.

“Don’t worry. Your parents can’t defeat you, not on your good days. You’re going to do fine.”

I am not going to worry about them. I am not going to protect them. I can only worry about myself. I need to cut all ties with my parents. That’s all I can do at this point if I want to keep my sanity.

“My mom’s that way too. It’s like she’s blind with anything that has to do with my dad. She wants to believe I’m the one who’s wrong. Jenney, are you feeling suicidal?”

No. Just hopeless. Billy, are you feeling suicidal?

“No. Just completely demoralized.”

That was a joke. Not a very good one, I admit. Look, I should go. I would talk longer, but I want to check in with Melinda again before I go to bed. She said if I could catch her before eleven, we could talk about what to do next. I wonder if there’s some way I can go before a judge and tell him how great Melinda has been to me. How much she’s helped me.

“Can we talk again soon? Things at my house will probably keep getting worse.”

Save some time for me on your next shift. I want to know everything that’s going on. For now you hang in, all right? Be strong for me.

“You remember what an incredible person you are. You don’t have to feel sorry about anything you’ve done. Remember that, okay?”

I will. Let’s check in soon, Hallmark.

——

I had looked forward to this call all day. The fact that it was so short was the worst event of the day, worse than Dad acting sicker, worse than Mom not acknowledging how bad he was. But I had to be strong, like Jenney was strong. As long as I had Jenney, I would survive.

F
irst thing the next morning I texted Gordon: “Can you meet me before my first class? I need you to do something for me.”

“Sure,” he sent back. “Anything.”

We met outside my homeroom and started walking. I stopped in front of the health bulletin board and looked up and down the hall.

“Can you and your dad come to the show a little early and he can let me know what he thinks?” I asked. “Then, if the paintings are as crazy as I think they are, I’m going to shut the place down and ask everyone to leave.”

Gordy pressed his lips together and glanced to one side. He looked like someone at a dinner table who has begun to chew something bad and is deciding how to secretly get rid of it.

“Is that really what you want?” he asked.

“I think it’s the most sensible course of action.”

“I would never want to hurt his feelings unless it was a
real emergency. How would your dad feel if you did what you said you were going to do? Shut down his art show?”

“He would probably be ticked off, but I hope he would thank me later.”

“All right, then. I’ll bring my dad early. But I won’t prepare him at all. We’ll just see what he says.”

We cut through the courtyard. A few girls ogled Gordon in his aquamarine dress shirt. He didn’t realize it. He was sort of a hidden gem where girls were concerned. None of them ogled me, because they didn’t like the bouncing.

“Have you written your essay?” Gordy asked.

“I can’t worry about that now. I’ve got too much on my mind.”

“Have you done anything with it at all?”

“I’ll work on it tonight. As soon as I get out of Listeners.”

“Brenda and I might see
Real Steel
. Andy said it’s the best movie ever made.”

“Can I ask you something?” I angled my head to beckon him closer. “How do you know you’re not in love with Brenda?”

Gordy looked around and hesitated. “If you’re in love with someone, every time you see her you feel like you’re going to pass out. And you get this little thrill like, ‘Oooh, there she is.’ ”

“She’s in love with you, though.”

“I think so. I feel sort of dishonest about that. About letting it go on. So, when are you going to introduce me to your girlfriend?”

“It’s too early,” I said. “The whole situation is kind of delicate.”

After class I had a free study period. I went into the library, opened one of my notebooks, and made a list.

10. Loyal friend. Stac. and Reb. blow her off but Jen. always forgives/forgets, tries again.

9. Ambitious. Coll. plan falls into dung heap. She makes new plan.

8. Resilient. Horrib. parents can’t keep her down.

7. Generous & compassionate. Wants to give, not just take. Wants to be Listener. Even now when think about that, nose gets tingly.

6. Funny. Big Ear, etc.

5. Achievements. Academics, swimming. Is somebody.

4. She’s beautiful.

3. Thinks I’m special! Thinks I’m best one. Picked me out of crowd.

2. I understand her.

1. She understands me.

I underlined her name and raised the paper as if I were holding a portrait in a frame. My list captured Jenney
perfectly. I couldn’t wait to introduce her to Gordon. I couldn’t wait to meet her myself. I wanted her to be with me on Sunday. She was the only one who could help me through it. She would get me through the crisis, just like I was getting her through hers. I would be embarrassed about Dad’s art, but we could ignore it and make a joke of it. The show would make a crazy backdrop for our first day together. Maybe technically our meeting was too soon because I was a Listener and she was a caller, but since she was planning to volunteer once she got back on her feet, we would meet in the office at some point anyway.

In the library I watched some senior couples doing their homework together. They used to seem mature to me. But I was more mature than they were. They had met each other in school, and I had met Jenney in the real world.

L
isteners. Can I help you?”

It’s me.

“Jenney? What’s wrong?”

Are you on by yourself?

“Yeah. We can talk. What is it?”

I had a really bad session with Melinda.

“I’m sorry.”

She terminated my therapy.

“What do you mean?”

She said she can’t work with me anymore.

The soft sound like clicking began, then grew. It shifted from Jenney’s throat to lower in her body and from a cat’s paws to a steady pounding of footsteps.

“Why would she say that?”

She said my parents’ lawyer had sent her a letter, a cease-and-desist order demanding that she stop treating me. And so she has to, by law. She said she would be committing professional suicide to keep seeing me. She could even be put in
jail, locked up. Or at least sued and have her license taken away.

“That’s terrible. You really rely on Melinda.”

I do. She’s helped me so much. She’s helped me to see
them
for who they are.

“What will you do now?”

She said she hoped I would at least try to get another therapist because she didn’t want to leave me high and dry. She gave . . .

“Go on.”

She gave me a list of other therapists I might call, but she told me that there was a good chance none of them would work with me once word got out about my parents threatening to sue. She said there was a chance that I wouldn’t be able to find another therapist unless I went to someone my parents picked out for me.

“Do you want to do that?”

No! Of course not! Why would I go to someone who’s in my parents’ pocket? Someone who would probably tell them everything I said. My God. They really have me where they want me now. I’m completely trapped. I can’t believe I lost Melinda. I’m all alone.

“You’re not alone. How can you say that?”

I am alone. You have no idea. What Melinda and I were working on, dredging up all the stuff from the past. You can’t really do it alone. You need someone to help you. Now Melinda is gone. All of a sudden. I’m—in shock.

“You’re not alone, Jenney. You have me.”

I know I do, but—

“You have me, and I’ll always stand beside you, no
matter what. We’ll aways have each other. As long as we have each other, we can make it.”

Thank you. At least I know someone’s in my corner.

“So what will you do about getting a therapist?”

I don’t know. I’m . . . cornered. That’s the thing about powerful people. They hold all the cards. They can make stuff happen. Or not happen. Will you hold on? I need to get a glass of water.

“Sure.”

So, how are you?

“Not much better than you are. It’s a bad day on this end, too.”

What’s happening with the art show? It’s this weekend, right?

“Sunday. Jenney, will you come to the show?”

Do you mean it? Are you serious?

“If you’re there with me, I’ll be all right. I’d love to meet you in person anyway. What do you think?”

I don’t know.

“Please come. It’s the only way I can get through it.”

I’m flattered.
That nose-huffing noise started again. It didn’t sound gross. It sounded delicate.

“Are you crying?”

No, I’m laughing. I’ve never met a Listener in person.

“Well, you and I are different. We’re real friends now. Come on, it could be fun.”

Where do you live?

“At 32 Ithaca Street, up behind the highway. Do you know the Italian bakery? We’re right near there. The first house after the mailbox. We have a white rock at
the end of the driveway, and a bright orange door.”

I’ve been so tired since Melinda told me. Every bone in my body is worn out. All I want to do is pull the covers over my head and sleep. I can’t say for sure. But I’ll try. What time?

“All day, from ten to four. What time can you get there?”

I said I would try. Hey, how will we recognize each other?

“You’ll recognize me because I’ll be living there.”

You’ll recognize me because I’m—

“No, don’t tell me.”

You don’t want to know what I look like?

“I want to be surprised.”

What if I’m ugly?

“You could never be ugly to me.”

All right, well, I’m going to try to sleep for a while. Maybe I’ll see you Sunday if we don’t talk again first.

“Sleep well, and try not to worry. And, Jenney—thanks.”

For what?

“For listening.”

Good night, Hallmark.

A
fter closing up at Listeners I took an hour-long ride in the cold fall air. Past all the downtown stores with their Christmas cutouts on the doors. Out from the town center and along the waterfront. Up to Portuguese Hill, where mechanical deer assembled on lawns, bowing creakily under strings of white lights. I stood on a ledge of granite and looked out over the harbor. A massive industrial fishing boat worked its way to Georges Bank through the almost empty waters. Nothing around me but space and stars and cold, cold air. Like Hagrid, I could think about jumping. But instead I thought about how powerful it was to be alone. Not beholden to anyone. Jenney was right. When the art show began, I could choose not to be humiliated.