My Beloved: A Thin Love Novella (13 page)

She came off the rock, but kept his jacket over her shoulders as she stood, pulling her arms through the sleeves and then wrapping them around her waist. She never stopped staring out across the water.

“Ransom…”she started, then faltered.

“Has a big heart, baby. He gets it from you.” When Keira nodded, unable to disagree with Kona, he stood up, too, tried standing near her without her retreating. “My mom’s dying.”

“I know. I heard Malia talking about it today.” She finally turned to look up at him, dismissing his frown. “I also heard her talk about your father, how he promised to marry your mother, but instead left her and married a
haole
.”

“It messed her up.” Kona slipped his hands into his pockets and joined Keira as her gaze turned back to the dark waves. “He died a few years back.” Keira moved her head, expression open, curious. “She never said anything. I wouldn’t have known anything about it until Devon told me they got a message from his family, his brother, actually. Kaino’s niece was tracking down the friends he’d had here on the island for him. The brother told me he was sure Kaino knew something was off. He wasn’t feeling right. I guess one conversation led to another and then he found out about me and Luka. Then he was diagnosed and wanted to meet us. He was dead by the time I got the message.”

Kona closed his eyes when Keira made a noise, something that sounded bitter and frustrated. “She is a hard woman, Keira. She was hardest on Luka. She never wanted to believe that I was to blame for anything I’ve done. Not getting you pregnant, not getting Luka killed. I knew that she believed I was something I wasn’t and God help me, I never wanted to disappoint her.”

Finally Keira faced him, tilting her head as though his explanation didn’t make sense to her. “So you let her manipulate you?”

“My guilt over getting Luka killed made me ignore her manipulating me.”

Kona shut his eyes when Keira’s voice softened and she touched his arm. “Kona, that wasn’t your fault.”

“I wish that were true, baby.” He knew she only touched him to give him comfort. He knew she wasn’t silently telling him she’d forgiven all the stupidity he’d caused that day. But Kona couldn’t have Keira this close, have her touch him even silently and not move toward her, not touch her back.

Keira’s face hardened, her features wrinkling as she stared at him, and he imagined she was likely thinking what an idiot he was. He didn’t stop her when she walked closer toward the shoreline with her arms still wrapped tight around her. He didn’t follow, either; she seemed to need that distance, but God, how he wanted to hold her, to take her hair down from those loose braids that knotted around her curls.

“You need to forgive her.”

He would have never thought those words would leave Keira’s mouth. He thought maybe he’d heard her wrong, possibly that the champagne had dulled her senses. One step, two, and Kona moved behind her, but didn’t touch. “What?”

Keira shook her head, turned to face Kona with her hand rubbing her neck. “I was mad today, because you and Ransom kept her being there from me. I was mad at you for not telling me about the job and I was so tired of the photographers and the fuss and the… stress that being in your world was causing me.” He had to will himself from touching her, from pulling her close when she laid her hand on his arm. “But, Kona, you have to forgive her.”

Neither of them had been blessed with sweet, supportive mothers, and Kona often wondered, between the two of them, who had been handed the worst. “Did you forgive your mother?”

“Yes.” That nod was slow, and Keira looked behind him as though she needed to weigh her answer before she finished. “But only just recently.”

“And did it make you feel better?”

“It made me less angry.” Once again, she pulled away from him and hugged herself around the waist. “Having Ransom, worrying about him, trying to do the best that I could for him, it gave me perspective. I didn’t realize that until she was dead, until I found some things she’d kept of me, my career. She was awful to me. She was ignorant and controlling and she was a drunk. But Kona, we only get one mama. No matter how freaking frustrating they are and even if most days we want to ring their necks, they’re still our mothers.”

Kona wondered what she’d found among her mother’s possessions that would have eased her anger so much. He wondered how she could soften so quickly from a few months ago, when she threatened to walk away from him simply because he had been considering welcoming his mother back into his life. Now, this new perspective had not only erased her anger, but had also dimmed her hatred. He couldn’t imagine her ever forgiving Lalei, but did that mean she’d let Kona and Ransom have what little time was left with her? “You’d let Ransom around my mom?”

“She’s his grandmother.”

“And you?”

That shaking head and closed eyes told Kona all he needed to know. “I won’t be making her roasts for Sunday lunch. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you making your peace before it’s too late. This isn’t about her. It’s about you.”

He couldn’t blame her and if Kona was being honest with himself, part of him really didn’t trust his mother, either. But regardless of what she had done in the past, he hated that she was sick, and he knew that Keira was right; he’d never be able to live with the guilt if he didn’t at least try to forgive her. When she’d arrived at the resort earlier today, looking pale and exhausted, their conversation had been awkward, their smiles forced. It was only Ransom’s efforts that eased the animosity Kona held for the woman. Keira had raised such an amazing kid and he’d never be able to thank her enough for it.

It was hard for Kona to refrain from stepping behind where Keira was once again staring across the water, to keep from finally touching her, holding her, kissing her senseless. But his Wildcat was stubborn, and he knew that even as she urged him to forgive his mother, she hadn’t completely forgiven him for what he himself had kept from her. That was confirmed when Keira looked over shoulder, her expression stern as though just looking at him was a struggle.

“You didn’t tell me about the job in California.” She released her gaze, then brought it back to the water. “I had to find out from a freaking reporter.”

Freaking Scott and his big mouth. No,
he thought.
Don’t deflect.
“I didn’t know if I was going to take it. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I knew you’d be upset and I didn’t want to be the cause of that.”

“So why not turn it down?”

Kona sat down on the rock, just to be closer to her and rested his elbows on his knees, scrubbed his hand over his head. “I don’t know, baby. I should have. I meant to, but Devon kept talking about commentating for the playoffs and maybe the SuperBowl…” he looked up at her when she grunted, frustrated by Kona’s half-assed excuses. The sleeves of his jacket covered her hands. “I’m an idiot,” he said, simply.

“I’d never call you that, Kona.” She looked at him but still kept herself away, maintaining her guard with her shoulders stiff. “I’d say selfish, maybe, an attention whore, but you’re aren’t an idiot.”

“Keira, I love you.”

That admission pulled the faint wrinkles from her face and removed her frown. She was surprised, mouth dropped open and eyebrows lifted. “I… I love you,” she started, but Kona thought it hurt her to say so, like her love for him was something she meant to keep at a distance, like it was a temptation she needed to avoid. “I’ve loved you for a very long time, Kona.” He hated that look she gave him, hated more that she hadn’t smiled once since he came to her. “A part of me will always be in this world because of you. You gave me that beautiful little man in there.”

He stood up then, and didn’t pause when she dropped her eyes to the sand, trying to avoid his gaze. Kona couldn’t help himself. He wanted her. He loved her. She had to see that, she had to stop avoiding him and the look of desperation he knew was on his face. “Baby, please don’t turn away from me,” he said when she backed up, out of his reach. “I want to touch you so badly. I want to tell you I’m sorry and try again. I wanna keep trying, Keira. Please let me.”

There were tears running down her face that tore Kona apart when he noticed them. His chest clenched, ached with a pain he knew he could never be rid of if she wouldn’t let him in. Not when he’d caused those tears, made her that miserable.

“I… I don’t belong in your world, Kona.” The words came out through a hiccupping sob, made her voice crack and was followed by more tears.

That ache in his chest traveled up, choked him as he watched her hold herself, refusing his comfort. If he died, right then, his skin charring, the cells in his body evaporating, Kona thought it would hurt less. He couldn’t take it, not the sound of her sobs or the way she covered her face. But he also couldn’t speak, couldn’t do more than dig his feet into the sand to avoid rushing to her.

When she had quieted and the tears slowed, Keira’s frustration broke, and she whipped around to gaze at him, her eyes blazing. “Say… say something, please.”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around you saying you don’t belong in my world.”

“It’s true.”

“The hell it is.”

He’d had enough of this and wasn’t gentle when reached out and pulled on her wrists, held them against his chest. He could say “don’t cry” or “please” but he knew without thinking that Keira didn’t want that, it wasn’t what she needed. And Kona’s mind was too full of her stinging words and her tears, and of how his breath was now shallow and weak.
He
needed something to pull himself back to earth and so he took that from Keira, covering her cheeks with his large hands so she could not pull away from him.

“I don’t have a world without you.” And then, Kona kissed her. Hard. He took her lips because they were his, devoured her mouth because he owned it, just as she owned every atom that made up the stupid, stubborn, selfish asshole that he was.

There was moisture on his face, tears that were not his, tears that kept coming the longer he kissed her, the deeper he claimed her, and Kona couldn’t stop, refused to stop until she responded, until her tears subsided.

Keira’s breaths were jagged and raspy when she pulled away from him, resting her forehead against his chest. “You managed sixteen years without me.”

“I
functioned
sixteen years without you, but I didn’t live until you kissed me again, that night on the balcony. Until you were mine again.”

“Kona, I…” she stopped when his phone started ringing. Although he didn’t pick up, Keira shook her head and that familiar disappointment in her eyes returned. “Take the damn call, Kona.” The distance loomed between them so quickly, again, as her lithe arms again wrapped around her own waist to keep from touching him. The phone kept ringing, buzzing… then hummed through the air as Kona flung it far out into the ocean.

“Are you crazy?”

“No ma’am. I’m in love. With you.”

This time she didn’t fight him when he pulled her close, needing to feel her skin, to touch her face.” I’m not in love with a game. Not money or cars or fame. I wish you’d understand that.”

“I don’t think I can.”

Sighing, Kona rested his forehead against hers then straightened, keeping his hand cupped against her face. “I played football because I was good at it, it was the one thing I did well. And I love the game, Keira. I feel alive on that field. The fans, their chants, their cheers, it electrifies me. But those people go away. They scream and shout for me, lift me up, treat me like a fucking king, but then the whistle blows, the game ends and they go home. Do you know how often I stayed in the locker room after a game because I just couldn’t face spending the rest of my night in an empty room? The quiet was too raw, Keira. It cut too deep. Those people loved me for 192 minutes and then they went home and forgot about me until the next weekend.

“Then there was you.” Keira bit her lip, inhaling when Kona rubbed his thumb along her cheek. “There’s you, who’d calm me with your fingers in my hair after I wrecked my twenty year old body in a game. There’s you, who raised my boy on your own, who swallowed up all the heartache I gave you and came up from the weight of that with your head held high. You, Keira, who loved me more than anyone ever has, who forgave me, who gives me everything I ask for and never once complains about me wanting more. You don’t forget me and you don’t leave me lonely.”

She closed her eyes, her head shaking. “Kona, you need that attention. You need that spotlight.”

“No. That light is a shadow compared to you, baby. You shine brighter.”

“I can’t ask you to give all that up.”

“It’s done.” Kona shrugged, kissed Keira’s forehead as though the issue was settled. “I called Brian on the way over here. I start at CPU in a month.” Her mouth fell open and Kona reached for her jaw, closed it with his curled finger. “I lost you once, Keira. It cost me decades. It cost me a lifetime of memories with you, with my son. I’m not doing that shit again.” She didn’t flinch away or refuse Kona’s mouth as he lowered it, as he took her lips. “I won’t lose my always. I messed up and you ran. I told you, baby, I’ll never stop following after you. It’s pointless to keep running. I’ll find you. I’ll always find you.”