My Blood Approves (31 page)

“
Being pregnant was the
most miraculous thing that ever happened to me. To feel this little
life growing inside me…” She looked rather blissful, but her gaze
got harder when she turned to me. “That’s something you’ll be
giving up, you know. Vampires can’t get pregnant. They don’t have
children. You will never have a family if you choose this
life.”

“
I don’t think I want kids
anyway.” I had actually thought about it very little, but for the
most part, the idea of having a child didn’t sound that
appealing.

“
Well, you might change
your mind when the option is taken away from you,” Mae replied
thoughtfully. “It’s just something for you to think
about.”

“
I will,” I promised her,
but I doubted that it would affect my decision at all.

Even if she was right, if someday I
regretted never having children, I could only make the decision
now, based on my current state of mind. And right now, having
children didn’t seem that important.

“
The day my daughter was
born was the happiest day of my life.” Her expression stretched
into a deep smile, and her eyes filled with happy tears. “She was
so beautiful. Her eyes were huge and blue, just like Philip’s. And
she had these soft, downy curls, the same as I had had when I was
born. I remember the first time I held her in my arms, and the soft
warm weight of her body… I promised her I’d never let anything bad
happen to her.” She exhaled heavily, and the sadness started
seeping into her eyes.

“
I named her Sarah, after
my mother.” She wiped at her cheek, trying to catch a tear before
it fell. “Everyday with her was absolute heaven. I’m sure every
mother thinks her child was perfect, but she really was. She rarely
cried, and she woke with this beautiful smile on her chubby cheeks.
I quit my job at the deli just so I could spend as much time with
her as I could. Every moment with her just seemed so absolutely
precious.

“
One night, I was preparing
supper, and I realized that we were out of milk,” Mae went on. “We
had a man who would deliver milk to our house, but with having a
toddler, we went through milk faster than normal. Sarah was nearly
two, and I had stopped breastfeeding not long before
that.

“
Philip had just gotten
home from work, so I didn’t want to send him back out. Besides
that, the corner market was only two blocks down and it was a
beautiful night.

“
I remember that I had been
wearing this beautiful spring dress with blue flowers that I’d made
from a pattern. It was one of my favorites, and I had been meaning
to make a smaller version for Sarah just as soon as I got more
fabric.”

She hesitated before she spoke again, and I
almost thought she might not go on anymore. Whatever she had meant
to tell me had become too painful, but finally, she continued.

“
He was so attractive that
I would’ve gone with him anywhere,” Mae said bitterly, but she was
angrier with herself than him. “I had barely made it a block, and
then he just appeared out of nowhere.

“
In retrospect, he wasn’t
half as handsome as Ezra is, but to my human sense, he was an
Adonis. I never even put up a fight. When he led me away into the
trees, I was too intoxicated by him to think of Sarah. He sunk his
teeth into my neck, and I thought for sure I was dying, but it felt
so good, that I didn’t even care. I should’ve been pleading for my
life, for Sarah, but I just…”

“
You couldn’t do anything,”
I tried to comfort her. While I had never been in the exact same
position, I knew how impossible it was to think when a vampire
wanted your blood. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“
But I loved her!” Mae
insisted fiercely. “I just wanted to spend the rest of my life
watching her grow up and being a part of her life! But instead I
went into a patch of trees, and let a vampire bite me.

“
He drained me, but then
instead of leaving me to recover and go back to my family, he
offered his blood to me. He said I tasted too good to waste on a
human life. I didn’t understand what he meant, and I was still
completely under his spell, so I did as I was told.” She smiled
painfully and rolled her eyes at her own ignorance.

“
I had a choice!” Her voice
broke sharply. “I’m the only one that did. Ezra was forced into it,
and Peter and Jack were done to save their lives. But me, somebody
asked me. I didn’t understand what it meant, and yet I agreed to
it. Willingly.”

“
But you couldn’t have
known.” I thought about reaching out to touch her, but she was too
angry.

“
For two days afterwards, I
laid in the trees, afraid to move,” Mae went on. “The virus
attacked my body, and everything changed and died. I was weak and
in pain, and I had no idea what was happening to me.

“
Then finally, my strength
returned, only much more brilliantly then it had before. And this
unquenchable thirst. All the while I had been writhing in pain, all
I had been able to think about was Sarah and how much I wanted to
get back to her. But as soon as I felt that hunger, I knew that I
could never go back to her. I couldn’t trust myself.

“
Within my first few hours
as a vampire, I nearly killed our neighbor, I was so hungry. After
my bloodlust calmed down, I felt safe enough to check on Sarah. I
hid in the backyard and peered in through the window.

“
Before I even got near the
house, I heard Sarah crying. Philip was carrying her around trying
to calm her down, saying ‘We’ll find your Mama. She’ll come back to
you.’” Fresh tears streams down her cheeks, and the car started to
slow.

We were on a suburban street I had never
seen before, and Mae parked on the side of the road, underneath a
tree.

“
I slept in the woods
during the day, and at night, I would sit outside the window and
just watch Sarah. She cried for me every night for a month. Philip
had the police searching for me, so I had to be very careful that
no one would spot me.” She sighed heavily. “I lived that way for
over six months. I wore the same dress, and fed on our neighbor,
since he was nearby. If Ezra hadn’t found me, I don’t know what
would’ve become of me. Maybe I’d still be living out behind that
house.”

“
What happened to your
family?” I asked quietly.

“
Philip eventually
remarried a girl I had known from the deli. She was very kind, and
I’d like to believe that she was good to him. They had two more
children together, and Sarah eventually started calling her Mom. I
don’t know if she even remembers me anymore. It’s probably better
if she doesn’t.”

Mae nodded towards a house in front of us,
and I saw the silhouette of an older woman it the window. She
carried a small child, a little boy, on her hip, and she looked
happy. There was something familiar about her, and I couldn’t quite
place it.

Then it dawned on me. Her hair graying wavy
hair, pale skin, and even the way she smiled – they were all
Mae’s.

“
That’s your daughter!” I
gasped, looking over at her.

“
It is.” She looked pleased
that I had been able to see the resemblance. “She’s a teacher. She
used to be married, but her husband left her years ago. Ezra
threatened to teach him a lesson, but I told him not to. Sarah has
to live her own life. She’s fifty-four now. She has a daughter,
Elizabeth, and that little boy on her hip, that’s her grandson,
Riley. My great-grandson.” She smiled painfully. “During the week,
she watches her grandkids, while Elizabeth works and goes to
school. Riley’s three, and Daisy just turned five.”

“
So you just come out here
and watch them?” I asked.

“
It’s the only way I got to
watch her grow up,” Mae explained sadly. “When she was little, I
would come into her room at night and watch her sleep. I even did
that a little while with Elizabeth, but Ezra says that I need to
start letting them go. Sarah has a wonderful life, and I should
just be happy with it.

“
I know Ezra’s right,” Mae
said. “It will get harder watching her as she grows old and frail.
Watching her die.” She swallowed painfully. “I don’t want to
outlive my daughter. I outlived one of my children, and I swore
that I’d never do it again.”

She turned to look at me and whispered
harshly, “It is so much harder to watch everyone you love die then
it is to simply die yourself. Immortality is much more of a curse
than it is a blessing.”

“
But you have Ezra, and
Peter and Jack,” I attempted to comfort her. “I know it’s not the
same as a child you gave birth to, but you love them too, and you
get to spend forever with them.”

“
I know, and I am grateful
that I have them. Without Ezra, I never would’ve made it this
long.” Mae had gone back to staring at her daughter. Through an
open curtain, we could see Sarah chasing after a small girl with
soft, blond curls.

“
Three years ago, Philip
died. I cried more than I had thought I would after all these
years. But he had always been good to me, and he’d been wonderful
father to our daughter.

“
That’s when Ezra built the
house that we live in, and he said it would be the last place we
lived in Minneapolis,” Mae sighed. “He doesn’t like to stay in one
city for this long, especially one that has family. Jack’s mother
launched a missing persons search for him after he turned, but they
eventually chucked it up to another drunk kid falling in a frozen
lake.”

“
How does Jack feel about
leaving his mother and family behind?” I asked. He had never
mentioned his family at all, but then again, neither had Mae, and
they were incredibly important to her.

“
He severed all contact
with her after he turned,” Mae said. “He’d never been that close to
her anyway. She left when he was young, taking only his sister with
her, and his father raised him. From what I understand, his father
wasn’t a very nice man either. When his father got cancer, and his
mother was forced to take him back in. Truthfully, I think he was
rather happy that he has an excuse not to see her.”

“
So why did you all stay
here for so long?” I asked, even though I thought I knew the
answer.

“
I refused to go,” Mae said
simply. “But the boys are getting restless. Jack has never lived
anywhere else. Peter will go stay other places, but he’s always
been more of a drifter. In a few years, I’ll have no choice but to
move, and I suppose it will be better for me to remember my
daughter this way, while she’s still vibrant.”

“
Where will you move?” I
asked.

“
I’m not sure yet. Jack has
a list of places he’d love to go, but there has been some talk of
England since that’s where both Ezra and I were born, and I haven’t
been back since I was sixteen.” She turned her serious gaze on me.
“In two or three years, at the latest, we will be moving, and we
won’t come back for another fifty years or more. We may not even
come back to America for many years.”

“
I don’t understand why
that’s a bad thing,” I said. Moving to another country sounded
ridiculously exciting. I didn’t know why she made it sound like a
threat.

“
You will not be able to
see your brother again,” Mae explained softly. “Even if we stayed
around here, the best you could hope for is watching him grow old
from afar. Even as much as I’ve watched my own family, I never
interacted with them. After you turn, you’ll be unable to talk to
Milo ever again.”

“
But…” I trailed off,
trying to think of an argument that would win her over. “But he’s
met you all! And why can’t I just tell him what you are? What I’ll
be? He’d understand. And he wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“
Telling humans just makes
their lives worse,” Mae told me gravely. “If you decided not to
turn, or if we’d never even offered it to you, can you imagine how
you would feel? In a year or two, we just up and leave you behind.
Knowing what we are, knowing that we exist.

“
Every time you’re enamored
with a boy, you’ll wonder if it’s just because he’s a vampire.
You’ll age, and you’ll wonder what it would’ve been like to stay
young forever. And you’ll wonder if you just made it all up, if
you’re insane.”

“
But you think it would be
better for Milo to think that I had been murdered or kidnapped or
something?” I asked her incredulously. “That’s the better
alternative?”

“
You don’t want to watch
him die, Alice!” Mae insisted with tears in her eyes. “I know that
you don’t love him quite the same way that I love my daughter, but
even knowing that Philip died was devastating. Leaving them behind
is hard, it is so very hard, and you’ll question it forever. But
there is no other option. Immortality requires you to leave
everything behind.”

“
So you expect me to turn
my back on all of this, all that you have to offer, because Milo
will die? He’s going to die anyway! Me staying human doesn’t make
him live forever!” I countered. “But you and Jack and Peter won’t
die. I don’t know how I could possibly go back to living my life
knowing that you’re out there and I’m not with you.”

“
You just needed to know,”
Mae looked at me earnestly. “You needed to know exactly what you’d
be giving up. It’s not fair to ask you something that you don’t
understand. I wanted to give you a chance, so you wouldn’t make the
same mistake that I did.”