My Heart for Yours (23 page)

“
That’s not what your dad said.” He reached out and touched her waist. The way that I would. The way that no one else should.

Delia raised an eyebrow, looking equal parts annoyed and surprised.

That was it. I rounded the large row of potted plants and clutched her hand.

“
Tobin, hey,” Delia said.

“
I’ve got your coat, let’s go.” I admit, my tone was harsh when I grabbed her hand and tried to pull her away. I probably looked like the asshole jealous boyfriend, and I sort of was right then.

“
Okay, sure.” She nodded. “It was nice meeting you, what did you say your name was again?” I was ticked off at her politeness. I just wanted to leave already.

“
Russell. Russell Gautreaux,” he said. He flashed an arrogant smile directed at me when he said, “And Delia, let me know if you ever change your mind.”

I didn’t even think about it. I just reacted. With jealousy. And anger. And annoyance at Delia’s father, and at her unwavering manners. It only took an instant for my fist to connect with his jaw, and for Russell Gautreaux to be laid out on the ballroom floor. He rubbed his chin and blinked over and over again, like he was in shock.

“
Tobin, what the hell?” Delia whispered loudly. She smacked me on the arm with her small clutch of a purse and then started dragging me to the exit.

A ring of people had already gathered around Russell. The older women shook their heads at me like I was a pariah as we made our way out the doors.

“
He shouldn’t have acted like that. He shouldn’t have put his hands on you,” I said. I unlocked the passenger door to my truck for her and held it open.

“
I’m not getting in there until you apologize.”

I laughed. “Apologize for what?”

“
Tobin, I don’t need you to look out for me. I don’t need you to protect me—”

“
Well too bad. I’m going to do those things whether you like it or not, Delia.”

“
And I certainly don’t need you beating someone up for me. I can’t believe you did this.
Here.
Those people paid two grand a plate and you caused the biggest scene ever. They will never stop talking about this!”

She was shivering. I was still holding her coat.

“
I’m not going to apologize for hitting that creep, D.” I draped the long black coat over her shoulders.

“
Of course you’re not. You don’t even see what you did. You’re just begging my father to hate you even more by doing things like that. Is that what you want?”

I stood there staring at her. What the fuck did she want me to say? The guy had it coming. Any normal person would’ve done the same thing.

“
You know Tobin, I’ve stood in between you and my dad for months now,” she said.

“
I never asked you to do that.”

“
Yeah, and I never asked you to go ape shit on some guy at my father’s party!” She so rarely swore that I couldn’t help but smile. “The point is, no matter what my dad has ever said about you, how you aren’t good enough, or this—this trying to set me up with someone else—I’ve never,” she said. She stopped and stared down at her hands.

“
Just say it, Delia.”

“
I’ve never been embarrassed to be with you until tonight. I can’t believe you did this.”

She turned and started to walk away.

“
D, I’m sorry!” I apologized.

Too late.

She was gone.

***

I thought she was done with me for good. That was the first time I’d ever apologized for something that I wasn’t truly sorry for to anyone but my mama—and then, it was only because I was going to get the belt if I didn’t.

I drove out to the lake because I was too riled up to go home. I didn’t want to have to explain to Eamon what had happened. I knew he’d say he told me so. And he did. Repeatedly.

***

“
An olive branch for an olive branch?” she asked. I didn’t hear her coming. She was barefoot, holding her black shoes in one hand.

“
Jesus, I’m sorry, Delia.” I jumped up and pulled her into my arms.

“
How’s the hand?” she asked.

I shrugged.

“
I didn’t mean what I said earlier, I promise,” she said.

I caught her chin between my thumb and index finger and kissed the tip of her nose.

“
I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

“
I just—”

“
You don’t have to explain,” I said.

“
No, I want to. I just feel like to my dad, my mom and I are possessions. He controls us, he treats us like we are things that he owns, not people. And I love that I’ve never felt like you did that with me. Until tonight. I’m sorry, I know I overreacted. And that guy was a total jerk—”

I kissed her. Our mouths pressed hard together like everything that we needed to say was being communicated that way. And it was all good and right.

“
Slow down. I still owe you a swim,” she said, tugging her zipper down and sliding her dress to the ground.

I chased her into the water with my clothes still on and we swam and kissed and touched.

She was both the most innocent and most dangerous girl I had ever met. I loved that she stuck up to me. I loved that I ached when she left me standing there, that I actually cared enough to hurt. I’d never felt that with any girl before her. And that night at the cabin, we made love for the first time.

***

I haven’t stayed at the cabin in about a year, but nothing has changed. The tiny cabinet full of random supplies—garbage bags, batteries, condoms, is still untouched, and my sleeping bag is still neatly rolled up in the corner. I spread it out on the thin cot mattress and lay down. The heavy weight of the day settles into my bones and I know that I could easily fall asleep for days. When I close my eyes, though, my mind shifts back to all the nights we spent here.

I came here after Delia and I said good-bye the last night because I knew it’d still smell like her. Her hair pins would still be on the windowsill where she took them out and left them. Her copy of Whitman’s
Leaves of Grass
would still be lying next to the makeshift bed, with the last page she read dog eared. I sort of wish I would have left it here now to thumb through. Back then, reminders of Delia were too hard to have around. It was like the entire place reeked of regret. But I don’t think I feel that way anymore. I got too close, fell too hard, and let her in too much. I broke every one of the LeJeune brother’s rules when I was with Delia. But I broke every single one of them for her.

Eamon tried to help me forget her and move on by keeping me busy. He and I built homemade land mines and threw rocks at them to watch them explode, glass flying through the air. We went jumping off the highest rocks into water that was way too shallow. Eamon said that he did all of those things to make himself feel alive.

He saved me then and a lot of times since. I don’t think there will ever be a time that I won’t miss my brother.

Twenty-Three

Delia

You’d think after the last few days, the cemetery is the last place I’d want to be, but I miss Gram. Dad’s gone to meet up with Weston and his father, and I definitely can’t lie around with Mom and think about how bad that meeting might be going.

I park at the bottom of the hill and start the short walk up. I should have worn different shoes; the heels of my sandals sink into the damp soil with each step. They’ll probably be ruined after this little field trip. No, what I
really
should have done was bring flowers. Magnolias were grandma’s favorite. I reach into my pocket and make sure that I remembered to put a couple of Kleenex. I’m alone, but I know after talking to Gram, I’ll end up crying. When I look back up, I realize that there is someone already standing at Gram’s grave.

Tobin
? What in the world? I walk slowly to where he stands. I don’t want to interrupt him, but I also don’t want to startle him.

I stand next to him without saying a word. He knows I’m here. I can tell because he gives a small nod. There are two Magnolias on her headstone. He must have brought them from the tree on his property. I don’t know what to say. So I just stare. My heart pounding. My throat drying out.

We went from yelling to this.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him do the sign of the cross and then hear him clear his throat, so I figure it’s safe to speak.

“
What are you doing here?” I ask. I don’t look away from the spot on Gram’s grave that I’ve been staring at for the last few minutes and neither does he. We just stand there, side by side, my shoulder almost touching his chest.

“
Sorry, I didn’t know you’d be here.” His voice is gravely and hoarse. Has he been crying?

“
Same.” I say. “You brought flowers?”

I see him nod again. I hate that this is awkward.

“
The Magnolia tree on our land had just bloomed. I know they were her favorite.”

My heart swells that he remembered that about Gram. She would be horrified at what had become of Tobin and I. She always had such a soft spot for him, and faith in us as a couple.

“
That was really nice of you. Thank you.” I’m pathetic. This is…there aren’t words for how incredible this is. It’s so easy to remember all the crazy stuff and all the passion stuff, but it’s this boy, this man that I loved. Love.

“
Look, I just came to bring the flowers and clean up around the stone. I’ll get out of your way now.”

“
Wait,” I say. “Do you, like, do that often?” My heart still pounds. And we’re not yelling. Last time I saw him we were yelling. Too many things whirl through my head and my heart right now for me to say anything I need to say.

“
Who else is going to do it, Delia? Your grandmother was always really kind to me, it’s the least I can do for her.”

“
Well, I appreciate it. And you don’t have to go. I mean, I don’t mind if you stay while I’m here.”

He finally turns to look at me and all of the air leaves my body when I see the broken look on his face.

“
Can I say something, D?” When he calls me D, like old times, goose bumps cover my arms.

It’s my turn to nod.

“
I’m sorry for being a jerk about you coming to town. I don’t blame you for moving on. I don’t blame you for hating me—”

“
I don’t hate you, Tobin,” I clarify.

I can’t tell for sure, but he looks visibly relieved by that statement.