My Heart for Yours (24 page)

“
I know that I didn’t support you the way that you needed. That I wasn’t there for you. Part of me felt like I wanted to have this family with you, but the other part just wanted to run away. I just, I feel like I screwed everything up—”

“
Tobin, we were in it together. It wasn’t just you that was confused. I was a little out of my mind, too.” I can’t believe we’re doing this with the way we lashed out at each other last night. My chest aches at being so close to him, at starting to wish for something that we might not ever get to have. I miss being with Tobin.

My feet continue to sink into the wet ground. It’s obvious that neither one of us has any idea what to say. How to heal any of the hurt between us. So we just stand there for another eternity in silence before I speak again.

“
Do you remember that time we went to New Orleans? When I got you those tickets to see The Molly Ringwalds?” I ask.

“
How could I forget? I almost ended up in jail.” The corner of his mouth pulls up and something almost like a smile is on Tobin’s face.

“
You did not.” I scoff.

“
Delia, when that drunken frat boy on Bourbon grabbed you, I lost my mind.” His eyes widen as bit as he speaks, remembering that crazy weekend.

It’s partially true. Some random drunken jackass grabbed me and stuck his tongue down my throat. When I tried to pull away, he wouldn’t let go, and when he leaned in for another kiss, I smacked him, right across his already red cheeks. He threw me onto the filthy, pot-hole covered ground, along with the ice cold hurricane he was drinking. I’d never seen anyone as mad as Tobin that night. He didn’t hesitate. His fist connected with frat-boy’s jaw so hard that he flew backward. Tobin jumped on top of him and continued to punch him over and over and over again. There was blood pouring from every bit of frat-boy’s face, his nose was obviously broken, and yet Tobin continued.

I didn’t recognize the Tobin that I saw that night—bruised fists, shirt covered in blood splatters. It took Eamon and two other strangers to pull Tobin off of the guy, and by that time, his friends had already gone to find the police.

When the two cops showed up, Eamon took the blame. Even though he stood there in a perfectly clean shirt without a scratch on him, he didn’t waver.

“
You never would have gone to jail. Eamon never would have let that happen,” I say.

“
Well, we’re lucky the guy was too embarrassed to give a statement. What’s your point?” he asks.

“
The kind of bond you two had was incredible.”

“
Had
, being the operative word.”

My hand twitches as I think about touching him. Reaching out and letting my hand slide down his arm. “He’s here with you, Tobin. Just like Gram is still with me. And I know that you believe that, or you wouldn’t be standing here now.”

He doesn’t say anything.

“
He came to see me, Tobin. Before I left. Before the baby was…gone.” I was so surprised to see Eamon. No announcement, nothing. Just showed up.

He reaches up and pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head. “Did he upset you?”

“
No, nothing like that. He came to let me know that he was behind us, no matter what we decided to do. He said he’d do anything to help us either way. He told me that he had some money saved, that he was making more than enough out at the plants. He had enough for a down payment on a house set aside, but he would give it to me if you and I decided to keep the baby. That we could use it to have a fresh start, to move away from here, away from my dad…

“
I told him I couldn’t take money that he was planning to use for a home for himself. He joked and said he didn’t need a house of his own anyway. He said that if he had one, he wouldn’t have any good excuses to give the girls who always want to stay the night with him.” I laugh remembering how I chuckled through my never ending tears when Eamon told me that.

“
Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Tobin asks.

The pads of our fingers lightly graze together. I want with everything in me to reach over and hold his hand, but I can’t.

“
Tobin, I tried. You barely returned my calls. When you did, we’d sit in silence. I didn’t know how to bring it up, or if I even should. And honestly, part of me felt like I couldn’t. I didn’t want to influence your decision either way. And I didn’t want to take you away from your brother. I was scared about the baby. I was scared that no matter what we did, you’d end up resenting me.”

He swallows again and again. Like he’s trying to digest my words.

“
Delia, I don’t know what to say.”

“
I know. There really isn’t anything to say.”

The silence is back. The words are all spoken. The only thing left to do is walk away. Again. The anger and hurt in Tobin’s face when he yelled at me was real. I’m not sure if it’s something he’ll ever be able to let go of, but at least we’re talking without yelling. Forgiving someone is a scary thing, because you have to trust that you won’t be hurt again, and I hope we’re there. Or will be soon.

“
Good-bye, Tobin,” I say.

I close the space between us and stand on my tip-toes. I kiss his cheek lightly and then turn and leave. I can’t do Gram and Tobin in one day. My heart can’t take it.

By the time I make it home, Mom’s passed out on the sofa, and Dad’s nowhere to be found. Guess he won’t be back ‘til tomorrow. No Mom. No Dad. No Weston. I wander through the silent house. The whole time I was growing up this house was silent or so tense that the air felt hard to breathe.

I’m suddenly not sure how I survived it, but I do know I’m going to ask to spend some time here. Alone. I can’t even think about what Dad’s going to say. Not yet. It makes me feel weak that I’m afraid even to ask. I laughed when Carl at the bar said I was graduated—somehow implying that I could do what I wanted.

The only time I’ve done exactly what I wanted is when I was doing exactly what Dad didn’t want me to do. I sit on a stool in the dark kitchen. The house still in silence.

I want out. I just got back, and I want out.

Maybe I’ll finally take a trip to the lake and spend some time. I should be tired, but I’m not, so I grab an apple from the fridge and walk out of the house.

“
Delia!” Kelly waves from her truck parked in my driveway.

“
Hey.” I walk her direction, having no idea why they’re in my driveway.

“
Hey, Delia. Jump on in.” Rachel scoots to the middle seat.

“
What are you doing here?” I ask.

Kelly laughs. “Lookin’ for you crazy girl.”

I slide in without thinking. “Where y’all headed?”

“
Since we’re both sober, we have no idea,” Kelly teases.

“
I was headed to the lake. Do you think you could drop me off at the tracks?” I ask. Walking to the lake from the crossing would be a lot easier than navigating my overgrown trail.

Rachel’s brow comes up and this sneaky, knowing, smile. “Hoping to run into anybody?”

“
Whose name rhymes with Row-bin?” Kelly laughs as she hits the gas, lurching her beast of a truck forward.

My cheeks heat up. “I don’t know. I just…”

Rachel bumps my shoulder. “You don’t have to say nothin’ Delia. Even if you didn’t run into him, probably a lot of good memories there.”

“
You guys talkin’ without yellin’?” Kelly asks.

“
Did you know he’s been takin’ care of Gram’s gravesite?” I lean forward to catch their expressions.

“
Nope.” Kelly shakes her head. “But that sounds like a Tobin thing.”

I slump in my seat. It
is
a Tobin thing. Eamon may have taken care of Tobin, but Tobin did his fair share of taking care of his brother, too. Tobin spent a lot of time taking care of me—even things I probably should have been able to do on my own.

“
You stickin’ around for a while?” Rachel’s voice is thick with something she thinks she knows.

“
I’m stayin’ for me. No one else.”

Kelly lets out a whoop from the driver’s seat. “For real? You’re gonna be here a while?”

“
Yeah.” I nod. Now I’m definitely feeling more confident.

“
Told ya they’d get back together,” Rachel says.

“
Oh.” I shake my head. “We’re not yellin’ anymore, but…”

Kelly lets out a scoff. “He has not even smiled at another girl since you left, Delia. That boy is still full-on, hung up, in love, with you.”

She pulls to a stop at the crossing, and I’m out of breath.

Is Tobin still in love with me? Talking about forgiveness when I wasn’t sure what was left of us is one thing. Thinking about the kind of forgiveness that would help Tobin and I more forward is something else.

“
Want company?” Rachel asks.

“
Nah. Not tonight.” I jump out of the truck next to the tracks.

“
Should we tell Tobin you’re lookin’ for him if we run into him?” Rachel leans out of the window.

I think for a minute before answering. “Yeah. Tell him I’m lookin’ for him.”

“
You got it, girl.” Kelly honks once before they back up, turn around, and drive out of sight.

And I guess it’s that simple. I’m looking for Tobin.

Twenty-Four

Tobin

I flop back on the mattress in the cabin. I’m sure I should be home, but after spending one night in this place, and then seeing Delia today, I just…ended up back here. I miss her so much. Eamon’s death is a gaping hole, but to have Delia so close is like torture. At least the…
Weston
wasn’t with her today.

“
Is there room for one more?” Delia’s voice cuts through the silence. And for a moment, I really think my heart may have stopped beating.

How could I have not realized it before now? Standing right in front of me, warm, breathing, gorgeous, was all that I ever needed to make
me
feel alive.

“…
.” My mouth is agape, but no words will come out.

“
Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. I just—I just couldn’t leave things the way they were, Tobin.”

She drops her hand from the doorframe and takes the few steps toward the small bed.

“
You can sit,” I say.

She nods and takes a seat cross-legged across from me. Her knee touches my leg, just like we always sit like this. Just like we haven’t yelled at each other, and just like we haven’t avoided each other for a year.

“
Is that my shirt?” I can’t help but smile, she must’ve taken it before she left.

She shrugs with a hint of a smile. “I’m a thief. What can I say?”

“
I didn’t expect to see you again,” I admit. When she told me goodbye at the cemetery, I figured that was her last stop before taking off.

“
Yeah, I really don’t know what I’m doing here. All the times we’ve talked in the last few days, and I just feel like there is still so much we haven’t said…” her voice trails off. There’s a rogue piece of hair that has fallen out of her pony tail. I reach over and tuck it behind her ear and she leans into my hand. It’s all too damn confusing. I don’t understand how she can want to be here with me, and how desperately I want her here and we can still have all of this misunderstanding between us.