My Lady, My Spy (Secrets and Seduction Book 4) (18 page)

He reached out for her hand again, but she stepped back. He looked crestfallen as he let his hands fall to his sides. “I don’t know. My world has turned upside down. Not only do I need to reach a decision regarding this ghost from my past, but I also must consider the ramifications the situation with the church register will have.”

“The church register?” Based on the tale Monsieur LeCompte had related yesterday, she was certain it had been stolen again. “What happened?”

“I have it now. We were able to recover it last night, only—” Frederick let out a sigh heavily laced with frustration and despair. “It’s been damaged beyond repair. I can complete my mission and deliver the book to the Queen, but she won’t be able to use it to negotiate a stop to the impending war with Russia.”

Josephine placed her hand on his forearm and squeezed with a gentle, firm pressure. She couldn’t take away his anguish, but she needed to lend him her support.

Frederick covered her hand with his. “I’m afraid that if I hand over both the ruined church register and the forged Great Seal at the same time, Queen Victoria will be furious. But if I hold back the Great Seal and she finds out I did so, she might lose faith in me.” He shook his head in frustration. “I can’t decide what to do.”

She took in his weary features as he wrestled with his decision. “You’ve been living with your father’s secret for a long time. It’s obviously taken its toll on you.” She paused and met his gaze. “Do you want my advice?”

He paused, and then pulled away from her, breaking their contact. After only a brief hesitation, he met her gaze and gave her a nod.

She looked into his eyes and tried to infuse him with the same confidence that now filled her. “I know how important honor is to you. You need to make the choice you can live with for the rest of your life.”

He shook his head. “But it isn’t only up to me. This needs to be a decision
you
can live with too. Don’t you understand? If I hide this discovery from the Queen, you and I still have a chance to be together. The question is, could you stay with me and help me keep this secret, knowing that my father’s treason might someday become a public scandal?”

Comprehension flooded Josephine. He wanted to hide his discovery from the Queen and never reveal he’d found the Great Seal— for her. So he could be with her. His actions now made so much more sense to her. All his lies. All his secrets. His father’s shame had shaped his entire life. With every decision and in every moment, that long-held secret weighed upon him. It explained why he was so secretive. And why he turned to lies rather than truth.

Her chest was tight, but she fought to keep her voice gentle. “Your father’s secrets aren’t causing the problems between us. They stem from
your
secrets.
Your
lies. This practice of deceit has poisoned you. Invaded your very essence.” She looked into his confused eyes. “You lied to me the night of the Koliada Ball. You pushed me out the door and then you went to search for the thief. You lied to me because it was convenient, not to protect me. It was instinctive. The question is, what will
you
do, now that I’ve pointed this out to you? I need to be with a man who will be honest with me. I can’t live a life where I don’t know if I can trust what you tell me.” She took a step away from him. “Unless you can change, I can’t see a way forward for us.”

He looked stunned.

“Unless you can be open and honest with me from this point forward, you need to forget about me and find someone else.”

She turned on her heel and hurried away.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Pain ripped through Frederick’s heart. He bolted after her, taking hold of her upper arm just before she reached the end of the narrow aisle.

She tried to pull away, but he held her gently but firmly in place.

She stared at his hand, then at him. “What is it? What more do you want?”

“Everything. Josephine—” He stared into her clear blue eyes. Her confused blue eyes. He moved closer, standing directly in front of her so she had to crane her head back to meet his gaze. “I want everything from you.” He leaned closer, taking in her every feature and memorizing this moment. “I want you to look at me the way you did at Lord Saxon’s house. I want to make you remember what we’ve shared. What we mean to each other.”

He slid his hand around her waist, pulling her to him. She didn’t resist. He bent closer, and her lips parted slightly as she stared at his mouth.

This was a woman who wanted to be kissed.

He swooped down and took what she offered. His wasn't a tender kiss. Not a respectful kiss. His was a kiss suffused with the passion and desperation that coursed through him.

She responded. It was as though her own passion flared up to match his. As he devoured her mouth, she slid her hands up, burying them in his hair and holding him in place.

This was what he wanted. Craved. This woman. He needed her the way he needed air. He couldn’t live without her.

Footsteps clattered in the distance— growing closer. They were moving fast. With a frustrated moan, Frederick broke away.

Josephine seemed dazed. She pressed her hand against her mouth, her eyes wide. It took a moment for her to regain a semblance of composure and slow her breathing. When she did, she scowled at him.

“What did you think you were doing?”

“Kissing you. Isn’t that obvious?”

“I didn’t give you my permission.”

“I took your response as being tacit permission,” he replied.

“It wasn’t.”

“My apologies.”

She flattened her lips to a thin line and raked him with her gaze. “Fix your hair. It’s all—” She waved her hands about. Hands that had recently been sliding through his hair.

Just as he finished smoothing it into place, Mr. Beasley came breezing into the narrow aisle. “Ah, you’re still here.”

“I was just leaving,” Josephine said. “Perhaps you can escort me out. Mr. Woolsy will be along shortly. He has some thinking to do.”

As she walked away, Josephine kept her back stiff and erect. She didn’t even glance back as she disappeared around the corner.

He stared at the spot where she’d just been as a sense of loss swept over him.

He’d accepted the possibility she might reject him because of his father’s treason. He’d even tried to prepare himself for the blow. But this?

Something deep within him fractured, creating a fissure that ruptured his very soul.

He’d never expected to face her complete and utter rejection of his morality.

That wasn’t quite true. It wasn’t his morality she had rejected. It was the way he’d hidden behind his father’s secret and used it to justify his treatment of her. The way he’d distanced himself from her. It was the lies he’d told, over and over, to hide himself from her.

She was right. Lies were no basis for a relationship— for a marriage. They needed trust and truth between them.

The fissure within him widened.

They could have honesty between them. Surely they could. His lies were the only thing standing in the way. Not only the lies he told Josephine, but the ones he told himself as well.

He could change. He had that power.

Suddenly, he wanted truth with Josephine. He wanted it more than anything else. More than clearing his family name. More than his own dignity.

He glanced around him, taking in the rows of shelves containing ancient artifacts. All hiding their secrets. Their mysteries.

Did any of the artisans’ secrets matter now, so many years later? Their greed, their petty misdeeds, or their enormous acts of treason? It was all gone. All done. All in the past.

He needed to let it all go as well. He couldn’t change his own history. It was done. But he could change his future. His new goal in life could be to make decisions he could live with. Decisions based on honor, not fear.

And the first step would be to be honest with his queen.

§

Two hours later, Frederick waited outside Queen Victoria’s receiving room. He’d thought his stomach would be roiling with apprehension, but instead, an unusual sense of calm had descended.

A few moments later, a diplomat pushed open the door of the receiving room and hurried through it. Based on the irritated glance the man shot toward Frederick, he assumed the Queen had dismissed him. Apparently, she was eager to hear Frederick’s news.

A footman gestured for Frederick to enter, and he rose to his feet, gathering the items he’d brought with him.

Queen Victoria assessed him as he walked through the door. Frederick offered a low bow.

“You can leave us,” Queen Victoria said to the footman.

The man silently closed the doors and left the comfortable room. Frederick had been here before, but as always he was surprised by the sense of welcome. This wasn’t a space for intimidating visitors, but one that put them at their ease. He’d already come to the conclusion the effect was intentional. A space such as this would encourage visitors to let down their guard. Despite himself, he already felt it working its magic on him.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Woolsy. I trust all is well with you. I heard you were injured the night of the Koliada Ball.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty. The burns are healing nicely. I’m no longer obliged to wear bandages.”

She nodded. “That is good news, indeed.” She focused her gaze on the parcels he carried. “What did you bring?”

“Two items I believe you’ll find of interest, Your Majesty.” He held up the rectangular package. “Here’s the book you asked me to retrieve.”

“Open it,” she directed, gesturing toward a desk near a window.

He tucked the second package under his arm as he placed the first one on the desk and picked up a small pair of scissors. He snipped the twine wrapped around the paper and then used a delicate book knife to cut away the brown paper, revealing the blackened church register.

Queen Victoria raised an eyebrow, glancing at Frederick. “It’s as bad as I’d feared after reading your report,” she said. “Are its contents completely destroyed?”

“I’m afraid the pertinent pages are, yes. The book landed open in the fireplace. Other parts are largely unharmed, but the section pertaining to Czar Nicolas was destroyed.”

She approached the book and carefully flipped it open, examining the blacked pages. “They’re certainly unreadable.” She closed the book, wrinkling her nose at the acrid smell of burned paper and leather. “It’s a shame. I’d hoped to be able to use it in my negotiations with Czar Nicholas. It would have been a gamble, though. The efficacy of my plan was questionable at best.”

“I apologize for failing you,” he said bluntly.

She waved her hand. “War in the Crimea is unavoidable. The Russians proved that point in the Battle of Sinop when their bloodthirsty admiral continued attacking those ships even after they’d surrendered. My people are angry about that senseless slaughter, as am I. Delaying a declaration of war isn’t wise. If I’d acquired this book months ago, I might have used it to stop the war, but at this point, even if it were still intact, I doubt it could change what’s to come.”

“Thank you for telling me, Your Majesty. You’ve eased my conscience somewhat,” Frederick admitted. “I’m not accustomed to failing.”

She gave him a level stare, evaluating him. “I’m aware of that. You’re a driven man. Intelligent. Hardworking. An excellent choice to become our new spymaster.”

The words stunned him. “Your Majesty?”

She smiled. “Did you think the appointment of such an important position would escape my notice?”

“I hadn’t thought the decision quite so imminent as to merit your interest.”

“I met with Lord Cary yesterday, and he assured me you were his choice as a successor.” Her expression revealed nothing.

Frederick tensed, tightening his grip on the package he still held. “In that case, Your Majesty, I think it’s imperative that you take a moment to examine the contents of my second package.” He held it out to her.

She hesitated briefly and then nodded, accepting it. She took a moment to weigh the parcel in her hands. “If this is what I think it is... it’s such a small thing to have such far-reaching consequences. Just like that church register.”

She’d guessed correctly, he suddenly realized. Somehow, she knew he’d given her the forgery. But how? Was it simply due to the size and shape of the package, or had Lord Cary told her?

She picked up a slim, ornate book knife from her desk and made quick work of the wrapping. As the paper peeled away, it revealed a small wooden box. She released the tiny catch on the side, flipped it open, and stared. Then she gave a small smile of satisfaction. “I’ve had people searching for this for fifteen years.”

“My brother found a pair of satchels in a hidden section of our house,” he said, “and this was in one. He turned it over to me immediately.”

She slid a gloved finger over the raised lettering. “I haven’t seen this particular design of my seal in two years. The true Great Seal wore out, and I commissioned a new version. The lines in the forgery are still sharp and crisp.” She pulled it from the box, examining it closely. “I must admit, holding this is an enormous relief. I was always worried that some document bearing a forged Great Seal of the Realm would appear and cause trouble. At least that concern will no longer plague me.” She smiled at Frederick.