My Name Is Mary Sutter (28 page)

At home, no flurry in black dress and white apron emerged to greet her. A single candle burned in a sconce. Melted snow puddled on the floor of the entryway; a pair of galoshes, a man’s coat flung across the newel post. A creak, upstairs. And then, muffled shouting.

Mary flew up the stairs. The door to the lying-in room stood open, and at its jamb stood Bonnie, her head turned away from the door, hand to her mouth, an expression of panic distorting her face. The sickly sweet smell of chloroform mingled with the sourness of sweat. On the bed kneeled a man who had planted one knee between Jenny’s splayed legs. He was gripping silver handles that disappeared into Jenny.

Forceps.

Jenny’s mouth was gaping, her eyes staring unseeing at the ceiling. Amelia, her hands clapped to her face, hovered on the far side of the bed, blood splatters staining her white apron. For a moment, Mary could not act. Time, her enemy all day, now betrayed her again by slowing further. A maddening sluggishness seized her. She could not move, could not think fast enough to understand what she was seeing.

Forceps. A surgeon.

As if through water, or blood, Amelia slowly shifted her gaze from one daughter to the long-awaited one standing at the door. Apparition of hope, as if to mock.

But then Mary moved. No, not moved: leapt.

She flung aside her shawl and said, “Are the forceps helping? Are you getting anywhere?”

“Damn it, I don’t know.” Echoes of Dr. Stipp.

“But is the baby coming down?”

The man turned; he was young, as young as Mary, his beard still straggly, sweat streaming down his temples. “Who
are
you?”

“I am Mary Sutter.”

His arms, working furiously, now stopped. “You’re Mary Sutter?” he said.

“I am.”

For a brief moment, he hesitated, then he climbed from the bed for the midwife about whom his mother spoke so highly, and Mary scrambled into his place, blood soaking through her skirt as her knee sank into his place.

“How do I get these things out?”

“If you don’t apply continuous traction the baby will slip back,” he warned, but nonetheless showed her how to unhinge the forceps, directing her how to angle them as she withdrew them to keep them from crushing the baby’s skull, clucking all the while that they were losing all the traction he had just gained.

Accustomed now to chloroformed men, Mary was nonetheless shocked to see Jenny so lifeless, her legs heavy and unmoving on the bed. Naked, exposed, her swollen breasts dwarfed by the tight mound of her gravid belly, she lay as if left for dead on a battlefield. Quickly, Mary felt for the femoral artery and a fluttering but persistent beat reassured her. Then, as Amelia had done hours before, she inserted her hand into Jenny’s body, navigating slowly, trying to locate the cervix and the baby’s head and the hard ring of the bones of the pelvis in the wreckage of flesh torn by the forceps. Nothing felt normal. She imagined it was what Stipp felt, trying to retrieve a bullet from a ruined thigh.

“It will make no difference what you feel, the baby will have slipped back,” the doctor said.

“I could open her pelvis. Unhinge it at the notch,” Mary said. “I could, couldn’t I?”

The doctor, who until that moment had delivered only ten babies in his one year as a physician, took in the ragged, exhausted woman before him and felt a wave of hope flood through him. “We could.”

“Did you bring anything? A scalpel, a knife?” Mary asked.

From his satchel, he pulled a rolled case of flannel and, fumbling, extracted a short knife that Mary seized from him.

“Let me—” the doctor began.

“No,” Mary said, because she was already beginning to reconstruct in her mind the colored diagram of a pelvis from
Gray’s Anatomy
: the oval sphere of bone, joined at the front at the symphysis by the penetrable cushion of cartilage that formed Jenny’s impinged, narrow outlet. It was perhaps an act of faith to trust a diagram, but it was no more an act of faith than Dr. Stipp’s trust in her, reading instructions to him in the dining room of a dirty hovel of a hotel, an act that now seemed wildly tame compared to this. How she wished him here, performing the same mercy for her, his fingers flipping through pages, reading her instructions, imbuing her with confidence.

Anchoring her fingers in a V at the bottom of the swell of Jenny’s belly, Mary searched for the exact place to insert the knife, feeling for the sponge of cartilage she could see in her mind’s eye. Discovering the depression, she touched the knife to Jenny’s skin and pushed the sharp tip through. Blood began to stream from the incision. Jenny groaned, rousing from the chloroform, her back arching, but Mary let her hand rise with her, the two now as connected as they had once been in the womb. She kept pushing, until the knife reached the cartilage. The resistance was shocking. She understood now why Dr. Stipp became exhausted and sweaty during amputations. What force it took to dismantle a human being. Then a sudden, satisfactory pop, and the two halves of Jenny’s pelvis disengaged. Mary pulled out the knife and screamed at Jenny to push.

The next hour dissolved, melted away by work and fight. While Mary exhorted Jenny to push, slapping and screaming to rouse her, the doctor used suture and needle in between contractions to sew her up. Five stitches, seven? He lost count, but it didn’t matter, because he would never be able to cement the bone back together. This young woman might never walk again.

Blood soaked through the sheets, through Mary’s dress, through the pillows and comforters, through Amelia’s apron.

The baby, a livid shade of blue, finally squeezed from between Jenny’s legs.

Immediately, Mary hooked two fingers through the infant’s mouth to clear it, then snatched up the baby and turned it onto its belly, balancing it in her palm. A tablespoon of yellowish fluid drained from the baby’s mouth. Flipping the child back over, Mary fingered the chin and puckered lips, which were growing cool and ghostly. She held the baby upside down by its feet and slapped its bottom, taking deep enough breaths for the two of them.

She noticed the baby was a girl. Jenny had a daughter.

Mary heard Bonnie crying beside her. Bonnie, the expert in babies who had died, Bonnie, whose former grief now seemed a contagion.

Amelia, broken free of her terror, was tugging gently on the cord. The doctor had stepped back to gather padding and blankets. The placenta slithered out. Amelia snipped the cord and the baby was free. Mary wrapped the baby in a blanket, the baby crying as if she had always known how to cry. Her head was battered, misshapen. But she was alive. A grateful sob broke from someone’s mouth; they would never be able to determine whose.

Jenny’s legs were trembling: the shock after the trauma. But then the trembling spread from her legs to her torso and to her arms. Spasms shook her whole body. Her face was flushed, but her eyes blank. They rolled back in her head and the convulsions quickened, until every muscle was contorting in disconnected rhythm. Too late to put something in her mouth. Too late to hold her head.

“Shouldn’t we bleed her?” Amelia said.

The doctor said, “She’s bled enough.”

The seizure went on forever. There was nothing to do but wait it out.

When Jenny’s body finally came to rest—one, ten minutes later?—Mary touched her fingers to Jenny’s wrist.

But the artery no longer pulsed.

Chapter Thirty-four

At the cemetery, a sharp wind howled. The single sleigh and the dray carrying Jenny’s coffin had nearly foundered in the drifts at the base of the Menands hill, where it had left behind the icy highway of the Hudson for the ponderous climb up to the Albany Rural Cemetery. Mary had long ago lost feeling in her feet; the heating brick had cooled almost as soon as the sleigh’s runners had begun to skim the river ice. Now the horses heaved as they came to rest outside the twin keeping vaults set into the hill, the fog of the animals’ exertions rising in the otherwise clear, biting cold. No mourners from the funeral had joined them; Bonnie had refused to leave the baby. In the black branches of a nearby hawthorn bush, a cardinal was flitting from limb to limb, its scarlet beauty against the black-and-white skeleton of winter’s sleep seeming somehow merciless, a beauty so stark it seemed to define death.

In the far distance, heavy drifts buried Christian’s and Nathaniel’s headstones and blocked the paths; Mary and Amelia would not be able to visit them today. Neither would the drifts allow Jenny to be put into the ground beside her brother and father, for not until April or May would the spring thaw render the soil permeable. Four coffin bearers, who had followed their small funeral cortege from the gatehouse, unloaded Jenny’s coffin from the dray and struggled through the deep snow toward the vaults. Mary reached for Amelia’s hand as they followed behind, wading through the drifts, their black crepe skirts dragging behind, and to Mary’s great relief, Amelia took it, the first tenderness she had allowed since Jenny’s death. Even just a couple of hours ago in the church, she had stood stiff-spined in the pew to pray, her gaze fixed straight ahead, reluctant, or unwilling, to acknowledge the mutuality of their despair. But as soon as they reached the vault door and had climbed the wedge of snow that blocked more than one entrant at a time, Amelia broke their grasp, which she did not allow to be renewed.

Inside the vault, the bearers had set Jenny’s coffin on the floor to light a few candles, which threw ghostly shadows on the series of arches rising in religious splendor from the cobbled and stone floor. Wooden racks filled the room, a hundred caskets were already shelved three deep, with room for hundreds more. The winter’s dead. The vault’s confines were redolent with mold, but Mary could still smell the black dye in which she had boiled her dress: once to rid it of the bloodstains, a second time to render it this color of night. The double act echoed Jenny’s new plight: to be buried once in this chamber, once again in the ground. A twin burial. Icicles hung from ceiling cracks; a cold womb, the company of strangers. As one, the bearers lifted Jenny’s coffin from the floor and heaved it into place alongside another, a thud echoing in the chamber as the far end of her coffin hit the stone wall. Amelia began to weep.

Mary swayed in place; she was bludgeoned, exhausted; mere fatigue had passed long ago. Manhattan, the dirge of a train ride, Jenny’s death: in between then and now, only two days, but a desert still.

Amelia had barely spoken to Mary since the night Jenny died.

After the doctor had left the house, Mary had whisked the infant from the lying-in room to the parlor, where she frantically tried to comfort the crying child. Because of the blizzard, they could not send for a wet nurse until dawn and the child would not be soothed; she sucked furiously at Mary’s finger, only to break off and wail when no milk sprang from it. Even sugar water was not helping; the child refused the rubber nipple. Cold was knifing through the window cracks and floorboards. Only the fire threw light. Upstairs, Bonnie consoled herself by bathing Jenny’s body.

Amelia suffered on the divan, watching Mary struggle. She barely recognized her daughter. Severe, dull, angular, her large eyes prominent, her shoulders sharp under her dress, her chin carved to a delicate point. Starvation and work had whittled away the meat of her and left only a skeleton behind. Amelia could barely register the deprivation Mary must have suffered in Washington. The world had changed utterly: Christian gone, Jenny gone. And now Mary was half her self. She was, if anything, the picture of death.

Futility, to govern one’s children. Futility, even, to try to save them. Amelia’s hands curled in her lap. An old woman’s hands, no longer able to pluck life from death.

Mary was bouncing the crying child in her arms, cradling her to her chest, trying the bottle again and again. The folds of her skirts were still soaked with Jenny’s blood.

It was all wrong. Grief curdled, became something else. Amelia marked the change, felt it rise up in her.

“You didn’t come home,” she said, beginning, yielding. She shouldn’t, she thought, but the young are stupid and headstrong, and Mary hadn’t listened.

Mary had been waiting, holding back. Centuries had gone by, it had seemed, as the infant had cried. “I tried, I did. I wanted to be here—the train, the snow, you don’t know what I did.” The caged excuses burst forth; but they did not assuage Mary’s own sense of guilt. Stipp had known:
Go home.
She had, but it was too late.

“I wrote to you half a dozen times; I told you I couldn’t do this alone. You ignored me. You knew I needed you, that Jenny needed you.” The satisfaction of anger, superseding reason, grief. A coup in Amelia’s heart, her unshakable generosity of spirit dislodged in a moment by boiling righteousness. Mary had lost a sister, a brother, but it was not the same as losing a child.

“But you are a midwife—”

“I am her mother.”
Am. Was.
Amelia shut her eyes. Only one remaining child and a grandchild. But she pressed on, driven by despair. She had foreseen what would happen, had known she would need help. She had even asked for it, had begged Mary for it. Injury of a specific, intimate kind. She would just say it. “If you had come when I asked, Jenny would still be alive.”

Mary nearly buckled, would have, but for the baby in her arms. “You blame me?” She had not wanted to hear this aloud, because in restraint there was always the possibility of generosity. She rocked the baby back and forth, as if she were trying to protect her from the story of her own birth. First to the right, then to the left, Mary shifted, light and then shadow falling onto her face.

“You, more than anyone, know how good you are.”

They were both standing now, shouting to be heard over the baby, whose cries seemed the repudiation of life itself. Amelia’s face eschewed sorrow for fury and indignation. The satisfaction of anger. Later she would regret everything, but latent remorse would not repair the damage. For all the things we say to our children for their own good, very little good ever comes of it.

“Mother, I had to stay in Washington. You would have, too.” Justification, a well of it. Her only defense. “You should see the men. I can’t describe it. It’s as if hell has come to visit.”

“You claim need as your excuse? That is all? Nothing of Jenny having Thomas’s child? Nothing of the obligations of family? Thomas never loved you, Mary, he loved Jenny. I thought that would have been plain enough even for you to see.”

Mary gasped. How much her mother knew.

“What did you say to him, Mary, when he came to see you? Why didn’t you tell him about Jenny?”

“It was her news to tell! I didn’t know he would reenlist!”

“If you’d just told him—”

“Then what? Then Jenny would still be alive?”

“Yes. If Thomas were here, then you would have come home, and we could have done something for Jenny, we could have saved her.”

Was it true? If Thomas had come home, would she have come home too? Would she have fled the misery and work of Washington? She didn’t know anymore. But she did know that if she had been home, she would have given Jenny ergot, would have induced labor, would have forced an early birth.

“Why didn’t you come home?” Amelia asked.

Because of the baby she cradled in her arms now.

None of Mary’s experience, expertise, control, and distance were of any help to her now. Neither could she detach herself from this porcelain baby, whose eyes, nose, chin, and mouth resembled not so much Thomas or Jenny as herself, a trick of heritage that verged on the cruel. But the resemblance could have been a trick of her mind.
This is how hearts are broken,
Mary thought. By love and allegiance gone awry.

“Because I want to be a surgeon. I couldn’t do it here. Don’t you see?” Pale substantiation. Florid truth. Yes, she had loved, envied, but there had been other, valid reasons. “I want to be a surgeon.”

“What you want. Nothing should be about what you want. Not when your family is concerned.”

“No? Family? Once you didn’t come back home when you said you would. Father suffered for years thinking he had abandoned us. But it was you who had left us, you who didn’t come back.”

The past as predatory ghost; Amelia’s worst mistake, come back to haunt her. “Mary, you of all people should know why I couldn’t get away. That woman was dying.”

“Well, I couldn’t get away either,” Mary said. “Men are dying; they are boys like Christian.” Tears burned. Latent grief newly roused. “I had to choose, Mother, like you had to choose. We are the same.”

“We are not the same. It was not you who was dying that morning. Jenny is your sister.”

Cold gripped the house, entombing them. The fire flickered, cowering before the elements. Shouting at one another was a divide across which they had never before ventured. Even so, Mary longed for Amelia to scream on. Anger was the salve, the bond, the cement. The only remedy to the unacceptable breach.

How women defeat one another; how need defeats women.

But Amelia did not forgive. Instead, she began to whisper, as if she were speaking to Mary at the age of two, crying in that crib, the house empty.

“You are who you are because of me,” Amelia said. “All I wanted was for you to come home. I needed you, Mary. I needed you. And after that day, I never left you alone. That is why you are who you are. That is why you even want to be a surgeon now. That’s why you could have saved Jenny.”

“You expect too much of me.”

“No, I don’t. If you are skilled, more is required of you, not less.” A compliment, but she said it as a question, as if she were trying to understand her daughter, trying to understand how they had come to this, the two of them at loggerheads. “I trusted you,” Amelia said.

Outside, the night crackled. Snow pellets hammered the windows. A gust of wind flew down the chimney and the baby, as if bewitched, finally descended into an exhausted silence.

Bonnie could hear Amelia and Mary shouting downstairs, the baby crying. She had attempted to mop the floor clean, but even when she thought she had washed away all the blood, the water was still stained pink. None of what had happened tonight made sense to her. Her feet were still numb from running through the snow. At the medical school, the night watch-man had directed her to the hospital, where she had pleaded with another guard until he sent her to a house a block away. She had pounded on the door until the doctor emerged. The night was dark, the wind blowing, the horses skittish, the doctor swearing as he tried to follow her directions, the gaslamps giving barely enough light to navigate Washington Avenue. “Here!” she had cried at the turn to Dove Street. She had rushed into the house, dragging him behind her, presenting him to Amelia as the ultimate gift, and then—wretchedness. Unimaginable horror.

Now Bonnie lifted each heavy limb tenderly, gently, turning them as the washcloth glided over the skin, the water dripping first down Jenny’s arm, then her thighs. There was still her back to do, and then she had to take out the mess of wet sheets and rubber blanket from underneath her and dress her properly and do her hair. Her skin was already beginning to mottle, and her arms and legs had begun to harden. Like Bonnie’s baby, just nine months ago.

Could envy kill a person? She had wanted a baby, and now a motherless baby wept downstairs. She had wanted Christian, too, and he had died. What had she done, with all her wanting?

Downstairs, they were still shouting, the baby still crying. And then, abruptly, silence. There was the whisper of Amelia’s steps on the stairs, and then Amelia came into the room with the baby in her arms and saw Jenny laid out, exposed, half bathed, the mop and bucket in the corner with the water still pink, and Bonnie, the wet washcloth in her hands.

Bonnie said, “I’m sorry,” but Amelia hushed her and gave her the baby and took the washcloth from her.

The infant’s eyes were swollen, flowering bruises. Imperfect in life, as her own child had been perfect in death. It was as if time were repeating itself, making up for its mistakes.

The baby was so tired, Bonnie thought. Yes, so tired, as if it had been hard, hard work to be born.

Amelia heard Bonnie cooing, heard the joy in her voice, as she would never again hear Christian or Jenny. It was as if she had forgotten what joy sounded like, so strange was the noise to her ears.