My Side (28 page)

She shook her
head,
“It’s better if you do it.”

I placed the phone
over my ear, “I need you to calm down and listen to me. Do not overreact and do
not stop listening, until I get it all out okay?”

“FUCKING
TELL
ME WHATS WRONG!”

I stayed calm, “Put
Danny on if you can’t stay calm.”

He sounded savage,
“I’m calm.”

I would have laughed,
if it had been any other circumstances. “Your dad took a heart attack. He’s in
the hospital and they’re trying to stabilize him. Your mom is fine. Alex has
her in the hospital so she can see him. She’s in her wheelchair and completely
fine. He is being stabilized.”

“Are you done now?”

I frowned, “Yeah.”

“Be there in three
hours. We’ll meet you at the hospital.”

He hung up the phone,
and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was smashing.

I sighed and gave his
sister my weakest smile, “They’ll be here in a few hours.”

She hugged herself and
showed me the way to the car.”

The hospital was
silent until they arrived. I was giving Judith a sip of water when we heard his
voice. Her eyes opened wide. She looked at me with daggers. I gave them back,
“He was done the show. He doesn’t have another performance now till after
Christmas.”

She blinked twice. I
nodded, “Okay, then.”

He bent, kissing her
face and then mine. His eyes were black when he stood back and looked down on
me. “How is he?”

I shook my head,
“Nothing has changed.”

He pointed down the hall
and clenched his jaw, “I just talked to his doctor and he’s under the
impression, we understand they can’t do anything for him.”

I felt my gaze weaken.
His weakened with it. He didn’t fill with fury, the way I thought he would. He
looked destroyed. He walked into the room and laid his face on his dad’s
stomach. My heart broke.

I took Judith for a
walk. We sat in the window of a breezeway, enjoying the flash rainstorm
outside. I didn’t look at her. I just spoke softly, “I think that I have
learned more from your family in the weeks I’ve known them, than I have in the
decades with mine.”

She blinked fast. I
pulled my cell phone out and nodded, “Okay. I can do this.”

She blinked, 9 times,
12 times, 15 times, 22 times, 5 times, 21 times, took a break, 4 times, 1 time,
21 times, 7 times, 8 times, 20 times, 5 times, 18 times. I counted them out in
my head and smiled.
ILOVEUDAUGHTER,
was what it said
on my cell phone screen. I leaned into her, “Thank you. I love you too.” And I
did. No amount of time was needed to make me love them.

We sat in the silence
and watched the rain and held hands. Danny came running down the hallway, I
knew by his face what had happened. He stopped when he saw me looking. His eyes
shone. He turned around and walked back.

I looked down on her.
Her face was covered in tears. They were silent. I didn’t belittle the
fact,
I knew she had felt him leave. There was no way she
saw Danny. She was watching the rain. She gripped my hand a little bit tighter.
We sat there until she squeezed, “Ready to go back?”

She blinked twice. I
wheeled her back to the room. Lochlan was
gone,
Danny,
Gerry, and Mike were sitting on the seats outside of the room. I wheeled her to
the door. Lissie took her from there. I whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

She shook and wheeled
her mother into the room to say her goodbyes. I turned and ran. I didn’t know
where he would go. I never memorized him, the way he did me. I ran hard until I
reached the window showing one side of the courtyard. It dawned on
me,
I knew he would be in the rain. I pushed the door open
and walked out. He was there, sitting on a stone bench amongst large trees and
bushes. He was hunched over. I stood in front of him for a moment, getting
completely soaked. He grabbed my hips and pulled me into his lap. He buried his
face in my neck, as I wrapped my legs around him. He folded around me
completely. I closed my eyes and let the rain wash all over us.

I kissed the side of
his face, “I’m sorry, baby.”

November rain brings December pain

My parents flew in,
taking up all the room in everyone’s minds. Mom doted on Judith like it was her
job, not that Judith minded the crazy distraction. At one point, I whispered
into her ear, “You see what I’m saying?”

She gave me the two
blinks and we moved on from the conversation. My dad went for a couple runs
with Lissie. He never stopped talking about her. I was ready to strangle him.
Danny and Gerry made arrangements for the band to move to Nashville. It was
better for them anyway.

I lay on the bed
beside him, staring at his lost face. “Mike and Gerry, and the new guy Leon,
they’re moving. Gerry bought a house, and he, Danny, and Mike are thinking
about sharing it.

His eyes flicked on
me, “I can’t ask them to do that.”

I shrugged, “It’s
done. No one wants to see Judith in a home. Your dad worked hard to keep her
here, everyone wants to be here.”

He bit his chapped
lip, “I’m the newest member,
they
can’t move and lose
Lenny.”

I smiled, “Lenny sent
a huge bouquet of flowers and a long letter, basically saying he was leaving
Thin Ice in your capable hands. He wanted your mom to have you, and he wanted
you to have your dreams.”

He closed his eyes, “I
need some more sleep.”

I grabbed his jaw,
“Look at me, Loch.”

He opened his eyes.

I shook my head, “No.
You need to get up and help your family. Your mom lost her husband and support.
She’s scared, and she doesn’t need to add you to the things she needs to worry
about.”

He kissed my nose and
climbed out of the bed, “Okay.” He left the room, leaving me there.

Danny came in the room
and closed the door. He lay on the bed next to me, “How the hell did this many
things go wrong, all at once?”

I shook my head, “I
don’t know, but damn.”

He nodded and looked
at me, “Did they used to live under power lines? How the hell are they so sick
and so young? Look at our mom and dad compared?”

“I know. In some ways
I think our parents have done a couple things right. They’ve been selfish, but
they take care of themselves. Yeah, they’ve always been number one their books,
but at least that involves health. We can at least give them that.”

He snorted, “Yeah, the
fucking line draws there. Mom has been a complete psycho about
Judith,
she even talks to her like Judith doesn’t speak
English. And Dad was chatting up some young thing on the road, when I went
outside for a minute.”

I grimaced, “I swear
he hit on Lissie.”

He scowled, “I’m gonna
hit him. He needs to remember he’s fifty-seven.”

I sighed, “Maybe they
are doing the right thing, they act young. They look young and live young.” I
glanced at him, “Do you see yourself getting married, having kids, and adding
to the stress and shit in your life? Or do you see it as more enjoyable to be
like mom and dad, and just have fun and be carefree?”

He sighed, “I don’t
know.”

I snuggled into him,
“Me either.”

“What about Loch?”

I shrugged, “We can be
young and fun together maybe. He can show me how.”

“Fat chance, you won’t
ever be fun. Let’s face it.”

I slapped his belly
and closed my eyes.

The funeral was
lovely. His old friends and workmates came with their wives. Lissie had put
Judith in a
beautifully-elegant
dress she’d bought for
her. She looked beautiful.

Lochlan stood, stoic.
He didn’t cry; he hadn’t since the courtyard at the hospital. He didn’t hold my
hand or even stand near me. He’d shut me out, except in his sleep. He needed me
then. He whispered things like begging me not to leave.

We got back to the
house, all exhausted and ready to sink into a pit of despair. I pulled off the
heels,
I had to get my mom to buy me, along with the dress.
I didn’t have anything that was worthy of a funeral in my tiny bag. The kitchen
was where I lost it. I made coffee and slumped against the counter. The kitchen
was Al’s domain. He made the coffee and the snacks. He made the meals and
catered to everyone. He had never done it in all their years of marriage, until
he had to. Then he learned how to cook. How to make everything the way she
liked it. How to guess on the things he didn’t know and how to make everyone in
his home comfortable, regardless of the fact his life was hard.

He was mother, father,
and friend to his children. I knew him for a couple weeks and I loved him like
he was my family. I felt warm hands on my back. I looked back at Gerry, wiping
my face, “Sorry.” He took a tissue and wiped away my tears and mascara.

“Wanna go for a walk?”

I nodded.

We left the house.
Danny and Mike came. We left the Barlows to grieve alone. Mom and Dad had gone
to their hotel rooms.

We didn’t tell them we
were leaving. We just did. We walked, the four of us, looking too fancy and
dark for the peaceful neighborhood.

Gerry walked up to a
huge, fancy house in the new area. It had a sold sign. He produced a key, “Want
to see it?”

I smiled, “You bought
in the same neighborhood?”

He nodded, “Yeah. Alex
and Lissie are too. Everyone has agreed that we should all be as close as
possible. This is my close.” He turned the key and stood back, impressed. It
was a huge home, double-car garage, two stories and a basement. I frowned,
“What are you going to do with all this room?”

He grinned and opened
the huge door. We stepped into the grand front entry. The floors were slate and
maple hardwood, with a
slightly-reddish
stain. The
kitchen was slate and marble with stainless everything.
Two
sinks and a huge island.
It was spectacular. The master bedroom was the
size of our entire apartment and the ensuite was worthy of royalty. Gerry
grinned, “It’s nice, huh?”

I shook my head, “Nice
is like insulting this home.”

He patted Danny on the
back, “The best is downstairs.” We followed him to the unfinished basement. He
held his hands out at the drywall and framework. “This is going to be a
state-of-the-art sound room. It will be soundproof and finished for us to
record and rehearse, and whatever we need it for. It’s only a block from
Judith’s, so we don’t have to worry about being far from her while we work.”

Danny beamed, “That’s
awesome.” None of us could get very excited, and honestly, he didn’t even sound
impressed with himself. Mike sat on the stairs, “Our first concert isn’t until
March,
so
we’ll have plenty of time.”

Danny shook his head,
“No. We have a new keyboard player to get used to, we have three new songs that
we just bought, and we have to get the rest of the album cut. There is zero
time. How long till this is complete?”

Gerry thought for a
second, “They said three weeks, first week of January.”

I wondered how much
money they all had suddenly? Even Danny seemed flush.

I looked around, “This
will be perfect for you guys. Good choice, Gerry.”

He grinned, “You are
welcome to stay anytime you want—you know that, right?”

His tone made my
stomach feel like it fell. I nodded, “Of course. Thank you.” I pointed, “I’m
going to head back.”

They stayed at the
house, plotting or avoiding. It didn’t matter which.

I entered through the
backyard and sat on the huge, sofa-like deck swing. I curled up and watched the
fluffy, white clouds. The skies in Nashville were bluer and clearer than
Boston’s. It was more like North Dakota. I missed home. I closed my eyes and
fell asleep.

I woke to voices. I
opened my eyes and looked through the dark yard. The sun had fully set and
night had claimed the sky. Lochlan and Alex were standing in the yard.

“You owe her more than
that.” Alex said. I was about to come to Loch’s defense, assuming it was about
his mother.

Lochlan crossed his
arms, “I want her to go home. I just want her gone. I don’t want to have to
think about this anymore.”

Gerry’s comment about
me staying with him, made me instantly sick. Was I the last to know I was being
dumped, on the day Al was buried? I stayed perfectly still.

Alex shook his head,
looking down, “You haven’t changed at all. Everyone is always focused on poor
Lochlan, Brave Lochlan, Sad Lochlan, ADHD Lochlan,
Successful
Lochlan. Everything is always about you.” He walked past him, leaving Loch staring
at the backyard.

Silent tears streamed
down my face. What had I done? Why did he want me gone? I wanted answers but I
could see the darkness in him from there. Provoking him seemed like
a… oh
fuck it. I sat upright. He turned. I could barely see
his eyes in the
dimly-lit
yard.