My Story: Lady Jane Grey (My Royal Story) (7 page)

Master Parry has been arrested and taken to the Tower for questioning. I feel no pity for him. His loose tongue has brought his troubles on himself – and on others too. I am told he behaved like a coward. He will say whatever they want now. Kat Ashley and her husband have also been taken to the Tower. I can imagine their terror. Even the Lady Elizabeth has been questioned. She is brave. She defended herself ably, and her servants too – even though they do not deserve it. Such awful things are said about her and the Admiral. How much is true? Kat blabbed that the Admiral visited Elizabeth in her chamber early in the mornings! Is that why the Queen was upset? And Elizabeth, what did she feel? Is she guilty, too? He did wrong, but I am sure he always loved the Queen. Oh I am so confused. I do not know what to think.

I hate them! They are trying to make me talk, to force me to tell them what I saw at Chelsea. I told them I saw nothing. And it is the truth. Would they have me lie? They brought me up to tell the strictest truth and I pray I will always have the courage to do so. Mother shook me by the shoulders until I felt my bones rattle. There was fear in her eyes and it frightened me. I have never seen Mother afraid before.

“Are you sure?” she demanded. “You truly saw nothing?” Does she think I will be questioned too? Father has already been questioned three times by the Council. He was the Admiral’s close friend – though you would not know that if you heard how he talked about him now. Mother says Father has been a fool. “Why must you throw in your lot with fools and knaves?” I heard her cry. “Think of us, if not yourself.” I feel sick. What if Father is arrested? What would we do? I cannot concentrate on my studies with such fear hanging over us. I can barely eat or sleep. Oh, to be at peace again.

I am sitting in the nursery half watching Mary as she toddles about. She wants to show me how well she can walk now, but I am too distracted to pay her much attention. I feel numb. The Admiral is condemned to die. He was not even allowed to defend himself. I do not feel sorry for Sir William (who is to die too); it is partly because of him the Admiral has come to such a pass and anyway he was stealing from the Mint. I cannot believe that the Admiral did all the awful things they say he did – that he tried to seize the King, or commit any other treason. But I have one thing to be grateful for. Father has not been arrested. He is safe.

Father says that the King was very reluctant to sign the Admiral’s death warrant. That does not surprise me. Edward has lost his stepmother and now his uncle is to die. Even the Protector did not want him to die I am told.
That
I find hard to believe.

The Admiral lost his head today. I refused to witness it, and shut all the windows so I would not hear the shouts of the crowd either.

Katherine said she also heard nothing even though, she said, she put her head out to listen! All she cares about is the Queen’s pet dog. I have talked to her about Rig a lot and she would like me to fetch him for her. Don’t be stupid, I said. They will not let me near the house. I wanted to visit poor Lady Seymour, but Mother looked at me as if I had lost my reason.

“You wish to visit the house of a condemned traitor,” she exclaimed.

“It is not Lady Seymour who is condemned,” I muttered. Besides, her other son is not being executed as a traitor. I got a boxed ear for my insolence. I will not ask again. Father has shut himself away and will not talk to anyone. What has he to grieve about? He has not lost his head. I feel a great gaping emptiness inside me. I feel as if I have lost my family – the only family who ever truly cared about me.

I can scarcely believe what I write now. The Admiral wrote secret messages for the two princesses. They were found concealed on his person – on the scaffold itself! I know because one of the servants has a friend in Lady Seymour’s household, who went to watch. As he prepared to die, the Admiral called to his servant to deliver “that which he knew of” – and there was such a hullabaloo, she said. The Admiral’s person was searched and the messages found in the soles of his shoes. Then, she said, he struggled mightily with the executioner. At that I ran away. I could not bear to hear any more. Oh, the indignity. What the messages said I know not. But I hope they gave the Council a mighty fright.

I have had that dream again. That horrible horrible dream. If I write it down, will it make it go away? Three mornings now I have woken, screaming in terror. I am almost too afraid to go to sleep. Nurse hears me scream, and hastens to my side.

“What is it, child?” she whispers, leaning close to me. I reach for her.

“I saw him again,” I sob into her shoulder. “I saw him.”

“Who, my pet?” She rocks me.

“The headsman,” I mumble. Eyes shut or open, I still see him, the tall lean black figure, the hood hiding his face, the axe gripped in two hands. He swings it high, I see the blade shine, hear it hiss as it comes down fast. “No!” I scream. “No!”

“It was just a dream, my pet. A bad dream,” Nurse says. She raises my head and looks intently at me. “It is because of Sir Thomas you have this dream.”

“It feels so real,” I protest.

“It is a dream,” she repeats and strokes my damp hair off my face. “Only a dream.”

If only I had not been born so close to the throne. We are never safe, we who live so near the throne. The axe and the throne. So often one follows the other. Anne Boleyn, Katherine Howard, and now Sir Thomas…

Today I had to sit through the thunderings of Bishop Latimer. He is old but does not mince his words. It is good we are rid of such an ambitious, greedy and treacherous man, he declared. His horrible end fitted his wickedness. It was the Admiral he spoke of! I shifted on my seat uncomfortably. Next to me Katherine sat, open-mouthed, staring up at the Bishop. Fortunately she is too young to understand.

The Bishop delivered the same sermon at St Paul’s Cross. The servants say that the place was packed. It always is when the Bishop speaks. The Council will be pleased. If you want your message to reach the people there is no better place. But not everyone agrees with the Bishop. Nurse said that there was much shuffling on the benches when he got to the words “so perish all who do not fear God”. The Admiral was popular with ordinary people. As for me, whatever he has done, I will never forget his kindness to me. I dare not say so to Father and Mother for they would think me mad. What would I do without my journal to confide in? Dear Edward, I am so glad you sent it to me.

I pick up my pen again. I have something fearful to recount. Rebellions are breaking out in the country and I may have witnessed what might soon be one on our very doorstep. At least that is what Father thinks, though I am sure he did not mean me to hear that.

It happened as we were riding out to visit friends. Katherine sat behind a servant but I rode side-saddle for the first time like a grown-up! It was a fine still day, and I enjoyed feeling the sun warm on my face. And then, as we cantered past the woods, my pony suddenly reared up, whinnying with fear and pain. In a panic I let go of the reins and grasped wildly at the pony’s neck.

“Whoa now. Whoa!” I heard a voice cry, and a servant ran up to grab my pony’s bridle. “Are you all right, my lady?” he asked, looking up at me. I nodded, righting myself in the saddle. But I felt myself tremble as I caressed my pony’s neck. What had happened to make him rear up like that? One of the servants had ridden ahead to tell Mother, who wheeled round now and galloped back.

“What is it, Jane? What happened?” she asked me. I couldn’t say.

“It all happened so fast,” I said.

“There is blood on the pony’s nose, my lady.” The boy who had grabbed my pony’s bridle looked up from the pony’s head. “Someone must have thrown a stone!” He jerked his head at the woods. “Could be from in there. But if they did, they’re far away now for sure.”

Mother frowned. She leaned forward and gripped my wrist. “Are you sure you saw nothing, Jane? You must tell me the truth. It is very important.”

“I saw nothing,” I said stubbornly. I felt vexed. Did she think I would lie?

Mother relaxed her grip on my wrist. “Very well.”

She bent down and gave an order to one of the servants, who nodded and rode back to the house. They are to beat the woods and flush out any troublemakers. (By that they mean rebels.) Father questioned me closely when he returned at night and sighed when I had finished. He has made me and my sisters promise that we will keep to the gardens until the troublemaker is caught. I slipped round to the stables to see my pony, but he would not let me near him.

Poachers have been caught in the woods. They denied their crime, but three skinned rabbits were found in their cottage so it looks bad for them. They swear they did not harm my pony.

We are not even allowed into the gardens now! Yesterday, I heard a servant say as she swept out the hall, a band of peasants climbed over the walls into a gentleman’s park and killed many of his deer. And elsewhere in the county houses are being plundered, and fences torn down. Mother has gone to visit our tenants and attend to their wants – for fear we are burned in our beds.

The new English prayer book was read to us in chapel for the first time today.

“It is a great day, Jane,” Father said to me as we entered the chapel. “One that I hope you will never forget.” As if I could! And just as our chaplain opened the book, sunlight streamed through the windows and I felt as if a lamp had been lit which will light the world. Today, all across the land, people will be sitting in church like me, listening to these same words being read – and for the first time everyone will be able to understand them. There are those who wish people to be kept ignorant of God’s word, but they cannot be, not now both prayer book and Bible are in English.

Dr Aylmer says that I will be just like Father when I grow up. Just as committed to reform. And Father he says is the thunder and terror of the papists. One day I hope people will say that of me too.

Are we on the brink of civil war? There are rebellions all across the country now and there is even a rumour that the rebels will march on London!

“What are they to do? Prices are high, they cannot find work and now that the landowners have enclosed the common lands they have nowhere to grow food or graze their animals,” I heard a servant grumble. I asked Dr Aylmer if it was true. (I have tried everyone else and no one will tell me.)

“There is much I do not understand,” I said to him, “and not all I want to learn can be found in books.” He looked at me doubtfully, but I insisted. “It is truth I am after, and that alone. I have heard the servants talk and wish to know if what they say is true,” I said stubbornly.

He asked me what I had heard and listened carefully as he always does. “They have many grievances,” he told me. “Some refuse to accept the new prayer book, some suffer from the enclosing of common lands.” And then he told me something that has truly startled me. The Lord Protector himself wishes to undo the harm caused to the peasants. He is even prepared to pardon the rebels – if the nobility will let him. (There are many wealthy landowners who have been made richer by the sale of common lands, Dr Aylmer says.) What he himself thinks about this I do not know. He does not say. I hope my family have not been made richer by the sale of the common lands. We are rich enough already. Then I demanded to know why people complain about the new prayer book. Do they not understand what a beautiful thing it is? I would it was read all over the world, I told him. Dr Aylmer smiled at me; it was such a beautiful smile that I knew that in this at least we were of one mind.

Was reproved this morning for falling asleep in my lessons. But it was not my fault. I hardly slept at all last night. Katherine climbed into my bed saying she had dreamt the rebels were coming to kill us, and talked and wriggled all night long. As I lay there trying to sleep I thought about the sermon that had been preached to us in church. The peasants were very wicked to rebel, we were told. They should accept their lot in life, as we all must. Our lives are ordained by God, and our sufferings are punishment for our sins and a warning to repent. But can the Protector think so, if he wishes to help them?

Father is trying to keep the peace but has not enough men. He wanted his brother Lord Thomas to bring his men. But he has been sent to France. It seems that we are at war with them too! I feel as if enemies surround us. How many there seem to be – those who do not like the reforms, those who hate wealthy people like us – and now the French too. I pity poor Edward. How could anyone ever wish to be king?

I am tiptoeing about, trying to be as quiet as I can, so as not to disturb Father. He was to have ridden to the Earl of Huntingdon’s estate this morning, but has shut himself away in his chamber and will not speak to anyone – not even Mother. He is grieving for our uncle, Sir Henry Willoughby, who has died of wounds at a place called Dussindale in Norfolk. Mother said he was a brave man. He died helping the Earl of Warwick put down the rebellion – which I am pleased to write seems to be over now. My sisters could not remember who he was, until Mother reminded them that he was Thomas’s father. Now your cousins have no mother or father, she said. Katherine would like them to live with us. She likes cousin Thomas. He is the same age as her and she would have someone to play with.

Katherine has got her wish. All our Willoughby cousins are to live with us for a while. Thomas is my father’s ward, so he may stay here for a very long time. Katherine said she knew he would come – she made a wish at the wishing well. I had seen her ride across the park earlier. We are allowed out into the park, now that the rebellion has been put down, but I dare say Katherine would have gone anyway. She does just what she likes! I am pleased that the country is at peace again, but for how long? The Earl of Warwick put down the rebellion in Norfolk with great cruelty. Thousands of peasants were slaughtered. The Earl will not dare show his face there again I think. I wish he would not show it here, or at Court. He frightens me. I heard Father say once that he was ambitious but he seems to like him now – even though my uncle died fighting at his side.