My Story: Lady Jane Grey (My Royal Story) (4 page)

The Queen wants me to love music as much as she does, and encourages me to spend more time at the virginals. I practise daily, and am learning to love it too, but it is at my books that I am happiest. I thank God that I am well-born else I would have no time to study.

Master Grindal praised my translation today. He is surprised how fast I learn. “If you carry on like this you will be my best scholar,” he said. I gave the Princess a triumphant glance. She said nothing but showed her displeasure by ignoring me all the rest of the morning. Elizabeth thinks the world of her tutor. We already find ourselves competing against each other. I am sure she will work even harder now.

I have made great friends with little Rig. He always comes when I call him, now.

A day full of glorious sunshine. The Admiral declared we would picnic in the gardens. The servants carried out long trestle tables. They set them down under the trees and spread them with cloths of fine white damask. We sat at them on benches. Rig crawled under the table. It was too hot for him and I could feel him pant against my legs. I wished I could slip under the table to play with him. It was a long meal, and I soon grew bored. My cousin Elizabeth helped herself to marchpane. I have never seen anyone eat so many sweet things! A trio of musicians struck up a merry tune on the lute and viols. The Admiral said it made him want to dance and he jumped up (like a boy) offering his hand to the Queen. The Queen cannot stop smiling. It makes me happy to see them so happy. Afterwards we walked round the gardens, the Queen pointing out the plants and telling me their Latin names.

I just wish I could forget what Elizabeth said. Sometimes she can be so mean. While the Queen was talking to one of her ladies she crept up behind me and said: “You have sat too long in the sun and your face is covered with big … brown … freckles!” I hate my freckles and she knows it. But I have looked in my mirror and they have not got bigger. I refuse to speak to her.

The Admiral and Lady Sudeley (my pen stumbles over those words. To me she will always be Queen Katherine) are not welcome at Court. The Court and Council are displeased that the Queen married the Admiral so hastily. The Lord Protector is so angry that he refuses to let them see the King. (It is thanks to Mistress Ashley that I am so well informed – about this and many other matters. She is a terrible gossip.) The Admiral is furious. He stamps up and down and roars: “God’s blood. Does he think he can keep me away from my own nephew?” I grieve for the Queen, but I am sorriest of all for Edward.
He loves his stepmother dearly. It is cruel to keep them apart.

The Queen is having a baby! The Admiral tells everyone about it – he is so proud and is quite sure it will be a boy. But, I heard him assure the Queen, he would be just as happy if it were a girl. And then I saw his eyes fall on Elizabeth, who was strutting about like a peacock. I could tell that she knew she was being watched because she put up one of her hands to pat some loose hairs back under her hood (there weren’t any). I know she just wanted to show off her hands. They are very white with long delicate fingers. If the baby is a girl, I hope she will not be like my cousin Elizabeth!

Master Grindal has fallen sick of the plague. He is sure to die. Mistress Ashley is almost as heartbroken as Elizabeth. Nurse says it is for Elizabeth’s sorrow she weeps. She is devoted to her.

I heard my cousin cry this evening. It made my stomach turn over. Elizabeth is usually so careful to hide how she feels. The Queen has been trying to soothe her.

I know why she cries. William Grindal is dead. The plague took him fast. I am sad – he was a kindly tutor.

Death can come so swiftly and unexpectedly. It is true what I have been taught. We must all learn how to die.

Our new tutor arrives tomorrow. His name is Roger Ascham, and he was once Master Grindal’s tutor. Elizabeth, I heard Kat Ashley say, chose him herself. No one else would suit. Elizabeth is quite composed again, but subdued and has put on a black gown. I cannot think what to say to her. I cannot imagine ever growing close to my cousin, which is sad, for we share the same religious beliefs and both love learning.

Master Ascham makes us all laugh – even Elizabeth. She still wears her black gown and – I know I should not write this – but it becomes her and I know that she knows it too.

Master Ascham plays cards! I heard Kat Ashley say that he beat them last night. She is angry with her husband for losing so much money. My parents gamble too, even though our chaplains disapprove.

But he takes our lessons seriously. He said he was astonished how far I had progressed – a girl of only nine! I drew myself up and told him that I was nearly eleven. I am small, so everyone thinks I am younger. It is most annoying.

I have been learning a new dance. The Queen says it is very popular at Court and I must learn the new dances. Elizabeth danced with our tutor. I danced with one of the maids of honour. I barely reached her waist and kept getting my steps wrong, even though our dancing master had gone over them again and again. Elizabeth danced as if she had wings. In the candlelight her hair glowed like burnished copper.

As I looked up from the floor I saw that the Admiral had come to watch. His eyes were fixed on Elizabeth and after a few minutes he interrupted the lesson and insisted that she teach her old stepfather the new steps. “Forsooth, she has not put aside her black gown, but she can still dance!” he teased her, which made everyone laugh, including the Queen. Elizabeth’s cheeks flushed scarlet, but I could see that she was pleased. After the dance was over the Queen took Elizabeth’s place with the Admiral but soon protested that she was weary and a chair was fetched for her. She ordered one to be brought for me too. “The Lady Jane is tired,” I heard her say. She always has so much care for me.

I am glad I have my journal to write in. I can say just what I like in it. And no one will ever know.

Elizabeth is horrid. Whey-faced ninny, my cousin called me when I found her in the privy garden. “Why must you follow me about? You spoil everything.” She stamped her foot. Her temper is as fiery as her hair.

I was hurt. “I only came to tell you our lute teacher is waiting. No one knew where you were.” Kat was afraid she had fallen in the river. (I wish she had!) I had seen her at the landing stairs peering in the water. Elizabeth had been seen out on the river before, unattended except for the watermen. Lady Somerset had come to complain to the Queen, but Lady Somerset is always complaining about something, it seems to me. Nurse says Elizabeth needs taking in hand. “She is allowed too long a rein!” she said.

After supper one of the Queen’s ladies asked me to give the Queen a message. I went to her apartments but stopped at the door when I heard laughter. Elizabeth was with her. Her head was close to the Queen’s and the Queen was fastening a necklace of green emeralds around her neck. The Queen turned her head and saw me. “Jane, does not this necklace suit our princess,” she said. Elizabeth preened herself. I told her it did, but unwillingly. I was still smarting from my cousin’s unkindness. Elizabeth smiled but I am sure she does not care what I think. She laps up praise as greedily as a kitten laps up cream.

Nurse says I learned some important lessons today.

1. Never listen to idle gossip. It will only bring you pain. (I am not sure it is idle for when I asked her about it her face went all red.)

2. It is wrong to listen to what is not meant for your ears.

3. Watch what you say for you never know who might be listening. The eyes and ears of our servants are
everywhere
.

The servants should take heed of that too – for I heard what they said, every word! I was sitting curled up near the window with a book when two maids entered my chamber to change the sheets. They shook out the sheet and laid it on the bed. They cannot have seen me for they did not even trouble to lower their voices. “He comes to her chamber?” one of them said.

“Aye. Early in the morning even before she is up – and he still in nightgown and slippers. He pulls down the sheet and tickles her. She pushes him away, aye, but she is smiling.”

“I wonder she puts up with it,” said the first maid.

“She makes light of it, says it is a game,” her companion said. “Her love for that child blinds her.”

I heard the other draw in her breath sharply. “Tsk. Tsk,” she said. “You should not say such things.”

“Aye well, plenty would agree with me.”

“I will hear no more,” the other said sharply, and soon after I heard them leave and I was left to wonder what it was I had heard and how I could put it out of mind. For if Nurse will not tell me, I am sure no one else will.

The Queen has shut herself away in her apartments and will not open her door to
anyone.
Elizabeth mopes about the house and the Admiral is nowhere to be seen. The Queen did not even join us for supper. Her ladies say that she is tired, but they looked very embarrassed so I do not believe them. Why do people get angry when they are upset? Nurse snapped at me earlier, and all I did was get dog hairs on my gown. I feel awful.

The Queen left her chamber today. But I still feel awful – it is as if a chill has fallen over the house. At supper the Queen barely said a word to the Admiral. And he had so much care for her. Was she comfortable? Would she like a cushion for her back? Should he bid a servant fill her goblet? But she answered him so coldly I felt my blood freeze.
Why
is she angry with him? Neither of them ate much. Plate after plate was sent back to the kitchens barely touched. Elizabeth picked and prodded at her food. Her face looked whiter than ever in the candlelight. It is not only the Queen who is angry with the Admiral. Her sister sat stiff and erect throughout the meal and how disdainfully she answered every remark the Admiral made. It made me squirm. Oh, I was glad when the meal was over.

I wish I knew what has upset the Queen. She is so quiet and seems so sad.

Elizabeth is soon to leave us. The Queen explained that she tires easily now and cannot give Elizabeth the care she feels she needs. So she is to stay with Sir Anthony and Lady Denny at Cheshunt. Well, good! I cannot pretend that I am sorry. Elizabeth is a minx. But I am sorry that Master Ascham will no longer be my tutor. And Master Ascham said he relished our pitting our wits against each other. I will have no one to pit them against now, but I mean to work just as hard and when I am not at my books, I will do my utmost to serve the Queen. It is her first pregnancy, and she is old – 35. This afternoon she told me that my presence was such a comfort to her. It made me feel very happy.

The house feels strangely empty without Elizabeth’s presence and Kat’s chattering tongue, but I am relieved they are gone. Something of the awful atmosphere has left with the Princess. She was very upset and the Queen had to comfort her. I heard. I had gone to fetch the Queen a cushion and when I got back, Elizabeth was with her. Elizabeth’s eyelids were red and swollen and she was crying.

“Hush hush,” the Queen was saying. “I am not angry with you.” Then she saw me and looked embarrassed. I cannot think why. And something happened earlier that also puzzles me. Before she left, the Princess interrupted my lesson to collect her books. She looked confused when she saw me sitting there, even though it was the usual time for our lessons. She picked up her books, and put them down again. Then, to my astonishment, she leaned forward and dropped a quick kiss on my forehead. “You are a good girl, little cousin Jane,” she said. “I wish I could be more like you.” I did not know what to say. But before I could speak she had gathered up her books and fled from the room. Why is the Queen not angry with Elizabeth? Why should she be angry? What is it they are hiding from me? I hate it when people have secrets from me. But Nurse says I must remember not to poke my nose into matters that do not concern me and I know that she is right. I will
try
to forget about it.

Now it is our turn to leave. The Queen is soon to be confined and the Admiral is anxious that we are safely installed at Sudeley Castle before her baby is born. Builders have been working there for months and he says it is only now that the castle is fit for her. Fit for a queen. He is very proud of it and has ridden there several times these past few months to make sure that her apartments are ready. He has described the nursery to me. If the castle is fit for a queen the nursery is fit for a prince! He shows such care for the Queen’s comfort and today I caught her smile at him – I swear it is the first time I have seen her smile at the Admiral since the dreadful day “it” happened. (I still do not know what “it” was, and nor do I want to, not now.) I hope that when I marry my husband will show as much care for me. And then I found myself thinking about Edward. I have heard nothing more about my marriage to him and I am secretly relieved. But I will be twelve next year, so it cannot be long before a marriage is arranged for me.

Sudeley Castle is beautiful! I love it even more than Chelsea. Here we are truly in the countryside. But what makes me happiest is that the Admiral and the Queen are friends again, and the Queen has declared herself delighted with her new apartments. I have a comfortable chamber nearby. Rig runs to and fro, getting under the servants’ feet. He is still not sure why we are here! And the nursery – ’tis indeed fit for a prince – rich hangings of crimson taffeta, and gold chairs, and the most beautiful oaken cradle in the centre of it all.