Nets and Lies (26 page)

He bit his lip and then started spooning the rice into a bowl. He glanced up and smiled at my expression. “I’m sorry I’m being so pushy about it. It’s just with my recovery and AA, my faith is the most important thing in my life.”

I sighed. “I did like it, Nick. Everyone was so nice and accepting—I haven’t had that in a long time.”

“But?”

“It’s all a little overwhelming. I mean, so much has happened to me in the last few weeks that it’s going to take me a little time to process. I’ve never had faith before—if anything I had the opposite of it. I’m used to ‘if you want it, you get it’ kinda motto.” I shook my head. “And faith isn’t that. It’s about believing in something not even tangible.”

He took my words in and then nodded. “I understand.”

I hesitated for a moment before saying, “But I’m willing to try.”

His mouth gaped open. “You are?”

“Yeah, I am.” I hopped down and took the plates off the counter. As I set them on the table, I said, “But you’re going to have to cut me some slack sometimes, okay?”

He nodded.

I smiled. “More than anything, I have faith in you.”

“Why?”

“Because of this.” I reached out and touched his heart. “You’ve got the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met.”

Nick leaned forward, his breath hovering on my cheek. His lips almost brushed against mine, but he jerked away. Not wanting to miss the moment, I leaned forward. Electricity charged through me at the feeling of his lips on mine. I fisted his shirt in my hands and jerked him against me. My tongue slid against his lips before thrusting into his mouth. I was so lost in the overwhelming sensations coursing through my body that I didn’t realize Nick wasn’t kissing me back.

Instead, his hands came to my waist, and he shoved me away. I bumped back into the counter. Dazed, I stared up at him. Oh God, I’d thrown myself at him, and he didn’t want me. Everything had just been about friendship, and I had totally missed the mark.

“Jordan…” he started.

I shook my head furiously. “No, you don’t have to say it. I get it. I’m a dirty, nasty whore who ruins men’s lives when she doesn’t get what she wants. How could you possibly want to be with someone like that!” Turning, I fled from the kitchen and raced for the door. I started to fling it open, but there were so many deadbolts I didn’t know how to open it.

Nick’s hand covered mine. “Stop. I don’t want you to go.”

Humiliation pricked against my skin like tiny knives. “Please just open the door.”

“No, not until you hear me out.” Taking my shoulders in his hands, he slowly turned me around. “You just totally misread what happened in the kitchen.”

“Yeah right.”

“Trust me when I say there isn’t one fiber of my being that doesn’t want to sleep with you.”

I sucked in a breath. The dark, hungry look in his eyes assured me of everything I didn’t want to believe in his words. “But no matter how much I want you, I can’t.”

“Why?” I murmured.

“Do you really want to risk what we have emotionally by becoming physical with each other?”

A contemptuous snort escaped my lips. “I don’t know anything but having sex, Nick! I don’t know what it’s like to just date someone. I haven’t had that since middle school. Dinner and a movie? All I know is dinner and sex, and if I actually got dinner, I was lucky.”

“Then it’s time you learned something new.” When I started to protest, he shook his head. “You’re worth wining and dining, Jordan. Don’t sell yourself short.”

I threw my hands up in exasperation. “But all of this,” I motioned to my heart and then my brain, “I don’t know what to do about what I feel for you there.”

“So you do care for me?”

“Even though I’m confused as hell about everything that’s gone on in the last month, deep down I know that I’m falling for you.”

A hesitant smile formed at the corners of his lips. “You don’t know how glad I am to hear that.”

“Yeah, you really seemed like it in the kitchen,” I grumbled.

“This isn’t about rejecting you. It’s about something much bigger.” He drew in a ragged breath. “Because of what I’ve been through as well as well as the fact I’m in the Twelve Step Program, I’m not supposed to get involved in a relationship with anyone. You know, until I get my shit all straightened out.” He cupped my face in his hands. “I want you so, so much, but baby, I want my sobriety most of all.”

“That’s okay. I understand.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You do?”

Surprisingly, I did understand. I mean, I’d supposedly sworn off men to get my shit together—to find out who I was without them. Of course, I’d fallen off the wagon fairly easy and quickly to have feelings for Nick, but he wasn’t my usual conquest. Maybe I could actually be friends with a guy…maybe even date without having sex.

I nodded. “I’ve never had a friendship with a guy before. I really like what we have right now.” Glancing down at the worn wooden floor, I said, “It’s the best thing that has happened to me in a long, long time—maybe ever.”

Nick leaned over and cupped my chin. He pulled my head up to meet his gaze. “Really?”

I nodded.

“I feel the same way,” he said.

“So like you said, I don’t want to do anything that would complicate what we have. And sex would totally complicate it, right?”

“Sex is always complicated,” he laughed.

“Well, not if you do it right,” I replied, with a grin.

“Ah, true, very true.” His smile never faded as he shook his head from side to side. “Damn. We really have the worst timing in the world, don’t we?”

“Epically bad.”

“I really want to be with you, Jordan.”

“I want to be with you,” I said. “So how do we do this? Be together but not really
be
together.”

Nick appeared thoughtful. “I don’t know. This is all unchartered territory for me.”

“Trust me, it is for me, too.”

“How about this: We’re together as friends, but not officially together as a couple.
But
we’re officially together to where we don’t see or sleep with other people—I guess that’s more for you since I can’t do either one of those for AA.” Nick cocked his head and laughed. “I don’t even know if that makes sense or not.”

I giggled. “It sorta does, and it sounds good to me.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Motioning towards the table, he said, “Now let’s
eat.”

After two more days, Dr. Leighton discharged me from the hospital. Despite everything that had happened, I was ready to leave. I wanted the little things like sleeping in my own bed or watching movies on the couch. But more than anything, I wanted to move on and truly pick up the pieces of my shattered life.

Even though I was returning home, I wasn’t going back to school—at least not for now. Dr. Leighton didn’t think it was in my best interest. She requested I have a homebound teacher at least for the month of March. Her goal was to have me return to school after Spring Break.

On my first full afternoon home, I was trying to catch up on all the school work that I had missed. I was interrupted by the doorbell ringing. After struggling to uncover myself from three textbooks and my laptop, I headed to the door. I threw it open, fully expecting it to be Will. But it wasn’t.

It was Lauren.

I almost didn’t recognize her since she was engulfed by an overflowing basket of wildflowers. Bobbing ‘Get Well Soon’ and ‘I Miss You’ balloons floated around her face. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi.”

We stood in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds. Finally, I remembered my manners. “Would you like to come inside?”

“Sure.” Peeking her head around the balloons, she stepped past me into the foyer. She hesitated, trying to anticipate where I might go. So, I led her into the den. Without an invitation for her, I plopped down on the couch.

“Um, where can I put these?” she asked.

“Oh, on the table is fine.”

Lauren nodded and put them down. Then she sat down across from me on the love seat. The same eerie silence filled the room. Then she cleared her throat. “I, um, I’m sorry I haven’t been by.”

I responded by arching my eyebrows at her.

She flushed. “I meant to come by earlier.”

“But you didn’t.”

She wrung her hands together like she always did when she was nervous. It used to drive Coach T crazy during games. Whenever we were down, Lauren would run down the court wringing her hands. He would yell, “How you gonna catch a pass with your hands like that?”

When I didn’t say anything else, Lauren stood up. “Well, I guess I better go.”

“Why?” I asked softly.

She stared at me in surprise. “Because you obviously don’t want me here.”

I shook my head. “That’s not true. I do want you here.” I drew in a deep breath. “I also wanted you at the hospital…but you never came.”

Lauren slowly eased back down, her hands folding and unfolding over each other. “I’m sorry, Melanie. It was wrong of me not to come see you.”

“Breanna and Kara came. Even half of the cheerleading squad came to rah-rah at my bedside. But not you…not my best friend.”

She stared up at me with tears in her eyes. “Jesus, Mel, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know why I couldn’t come.”

“You were afraid.”

“What?” she asked.

I nodded. “You were afraid to look at me after you knew the truth.”

“No, that’s not true!” she protested, her hands rolling faster and faster.

Deciding to put her out of her misery, I crossed the room to sit by her side. “It’s okay that you were afraid, Lauren. I would’ve been too.” In a voice almost too low for her to hear, I said, “I’m still so damn afraid.”

She shook her head miserably, letting the tears flow. “No, you wouldn’t have. You would have been right there holding my hand, telling me everything was going to be all right. But not me.”

“So I was right in what I said? That you didn’t want to see me.”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“I guess I understand. I mean, every time you look at me, you’re going to think about him and what he did.”

“But why? Why do I have to think that?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Why do I think it every time I look in the mirror, or every time Will touches me?”

Lauren’s voice became strangled. “Why did it happen to you, Mel? Out of all of us, why you?”

That was the million dollar question I was desperate for an answer for. It was one that drove my need to seek help at Dr. Leighton’s office twice a week. But I was still clueless…except for blaming myself. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

“But it’s not fair! There you were saving yourself and waiting until you were in love, and that bastard took it all away from you!” She shot off the couch and started pacing the room. “I want to
kill
him, Mel! I want to kill him for what he did to you, and to Will, and to the team.”

“I know. I feel that way too. I just hope he’s going to be punished.”

“Going to jail will never be enough. He deserves to fry.”

I gave a mirthless laugh. “Don’t you think it’s kinda funny that I’m sitting here all calm while you’re going ballistic?”