Never Been Loved (27 page)

Katie or Sera?

The guy doesn’t even let me answer as he moves away from our sausage circle and moves to Sera. I catch him putting his arm around her out of the corner of my eye.

I don’t like that guy.

“Thanks for having me,” I say to Alex, because manners.

“Any friend of Sera’s is a friend of ours,” Josh says, nodding at me. “But seriously, if you hurt her, I’ll break your fucking legs.” He stills smiles when he says it and I think it’s a joke.

“I’m not a tool.”

Josh nods, keeping his voice low so the ladies don’t hear. “Doesn’t matter. She comes crying to me, I’ll give you what you deserve.”

“True that,” Eli chimes in, taking a swallow from his liquor.

Alex nods at this homicidal promise.

“I do whatever she wants me to do,” I say, realizing it’s true and not just a line. “I’m here because she invited me.” My head’s starting to feel… fuzzy, and it feels lost, like its floating somewhere outside of my skull.

No. Not here, not now. You need to prove yourself. Why does this have to happen now?

I lick my dry lips, and try to appear normal. Funny thing with diabetes is, nobody really notices how bad you’re feeling unless they’re attuned to it, unless they know what signs to be looking for.

These guys have no idea I’m going to be at my weakest.

You can tell them you need something to eat. You can tell them you can’t have this conversation right now because you need some food.

Yeah, and I’d never live it down.

These guys smell a drop of blood, and I’m toast. They’re protective of Sera, I get that, but they should know that Sera has all the power in this relationship. Or whatever we have going on between us.

I watch that guy Tommy give Sera a kiss on the cheek, not in greeting, but just because and that feels like it’s directed at me, a quarter-life crisis kind of
look what I have and you don’t.
He comes over to our conversation and looks at everyone else but at me.

Doesn’t fucking matter right now. I’m trying to listen to what Eli has to say, something about markets or some shit, but the world is starting spin or it’s me doing the swaying.
Just ask for some food. No one has to know
.

Everyone’s going to know soon enough. I’m nodding like an idiot, letting the words pass over me without taking the time to process them. The world’s a bubble that’s keeping everything around moving light years ahead of me and I’m stuck in place, watching in confusion as it all happens.

My sugar’s dropping, but I don’t want to do this here. I have to prove to the guys that I’m good for Sera, and what good am I when I’m nose-diving so fucking badly because I need to eat something?

Maybe if I just look for Sera, maybe I can walk over there and tell her what I need. She’s going to have to save me – again. I can’t make a habit out of this; I’m supposed to be protecting her, not the other way around.

The telltale black spots in my vision are doing their little choreography and in the middle of their sequence, I see Sera walking towards me with a plate of food.

Fucking shit, I’m falling for this girl.

“Here,” she says, holding out a plate of exactly what I need. She trades me my beer for another red cup, and without thinking I start downing it, surprised to find it’s apple juice. My eyes slide closed and I’m so incredibly thankful that she’s here, that she understands without me having to explain all the time.

“Jesus, what did you do? Give her the best orgasm of her life? Fuck, man, she
never
gets us plates of food, no matter how long we beg,” that fucker Tommy says, clapping me on the shoulder like we’ve known each other since kindergarten.

His words barely register as I’m sucking back the juice with every ounce of desperation I have. I need my A game, and all I’ve been showing off is failure.

After I’ve downed the apple juice, the silence in our immediate group hits me first. The look on Sera’s face hits me second, the look of complete horror as she stares at Tommy. Her beautiful eyes get hard, and her mouth twists into a snarl, and I swear to God I’m hard at the sight of her.

Then Tommy’s words kick in belatedly, seconds too long, seconds too late, and I can’t open my fucking mouth to think of something to say,
anything
to say to make this better.

I’m at much at fault as he is – because my silence defines what just happened.

I’m going to kill him for that.

Chapter 19

The look on Tommy’s face disgusts me, actually unsettles my stomach. He’s grinning, the fucker, like he’s told the best joke in the world, instead of hurting one of his friends. There has to be something more going on here, because the asshole makes sure to make eye contact with me.

I turn away to look at Sera, and feel like I’ve eaten ground glass at the way she looks so fucking hurt, the way her eyes are starting to water.

There was no need for Tommy to say something like that, no fucking way. Sera doesn’t deserve to be treated like that – not by anyone.

It’s like we’re all rooted by shock, until Josh turns and yells at Tommy.

“What the FUCK is wrong with you?”

Everyone else starts yelling, but I keep looking at Sera, unable to move or speak, not while the sugar gets into my bloodstream and brain. I can’t do anything, I can’t protect her, I can’t throw a punch – nothing, zip, nada.

There’s absolutely no reason for me to be here. I might as well not exist.

Except Sera’s looking at me like she’s completely mortified, like I’ve figured out some crazy secret she’s been hiding. Doesn’t matter what she’s hiding; if anything, she’s seen the weakest, most pathetic part of me and did nothing but help me out.

That kind of person deserves leeway, deserves only the best of the best.

Once I start feeling better, I’m going to tell her that.

Right now, all I can do is watch it play out in front of me as I stand here being useless, trying to stuff my face with as much food as possible, while trying not to look like a spectator.

Sera’s moving towards me, and before I know it, she’s got me sitting on a couch.

“Why did you even drive if you weren’t feeling well?” she growls, moving me around so I’m not holding my plate anymore, but it’s sitting on my thighs.

Fuck, is it too early to say I love you? To tell her I’ll be devoted to her until she doesn’t want me anymore?

And where the hell does she get off being angry at me? I’m the diabetic here, and my sugar’s shot to shit.

“Eat. Now,” she says, looking down at my plate. I’m in no position to start arguing back as I keep shovelling food in my mouth.
God bless food.
I’m ignoring the shouting, since I’ve got more important shit to worry about, but it doesn’t take long before Sera directs them to the balcony. All I can do is stare down at my almost-empty plate and wonder how I didn’t really taste anything or enjoy a bit of it. That’s what survival does to you – takes the joy out of everything.

“Would you eat, please? Hunter?”

I’m still staring down at my plate, wondering how this is all going to play out. She’s always going to need to take care of me and that’s not fucking fair. I’m twenty-eight years old. I’ve been dealing with this disease for ten years – alone – and with a kid who’s got the very same thing as me. Life isn’t easy and it isn’t fun. It’s a struggle every fucking day, and while I don’t want Sera to be part of that, I need her there, to make my life seem better like a junkie needs his next fix.

How am I going to prove to her that I’m better than this?

“Eat first, and then you can cuss me out, if you want. Right now, I really need you to eat. Please,” she begs, while I’m still staring down at my plate, not saying anything. If I’m thinking so much, means the juice is kicking in.
Thanks, Big Guy. Add my IOU to the tab.

I stuff my face, ignoring manners and decorum and there’s probably going to be stains on my shirt but I don’t give a fuck. I don’t even realize Josh has come back inside until the couch dips and Sera’s sucked into my side and the fit is just right.

“I’m sorry, man,” Josh says, looking at both me and Sera. My cheeks are chipmunk full but I keep chewing and give him a nod.

“Fucking Tommy’s a dick on normal days, he saves the side of egocentric asshole for when we have company.” The guy stares into his beer. It could be the lack of sugar, but he could be honest. Maybe. “Is there anything you guys need in here?”

“Nah. We’re good, buddy, thanks. Actually, Josh? Do you mind giving us another fifteen minutes? I...I don’t think I want to talk to anybody just yet.”

I watch Josh nod at Sera and kiss her on the cheek.
Why the fuck does everybody keep doing that? And why the fuck can’t I?

“Feeling better?”
she asks, once we’re alone again.

I lean back into the couch, letting all the food hit my stomach and let out a heavy breath. Everything feels heavy, my limbs, my eyelids, even the hair on my arms. I’m nothing more than a weighted anchor drowning in a shallow sea.

Now you’re getting poetic. Shut up, and answer her. Truthfully.

I look at her, still chewing on the meat, tearing at the piece I’ve got in my hands like I’m a lion and it’s a zebra. She needs to know what just happened.

“I couldn’t tell him to shut his fucking mouth. That’s me as your
friend
, Sera. I can’t even tell a guy who’s saying inappropriate things to shut the fuck up or I’ll beat his face in. Because I can’t do that, not when my sugars are low, or high. I’m only okay seventy percent of the time.”
Here it comes. “
Do you really want that as a friend?”

Sera’s face is tight, like she’s royally pissed with my ass. I’m handing her an out-clause and she’s basically going to throw it back in my face.
Hallelujah
.

“You’re pissing me
off
. One fraking second, you’re all like, ‘yeah baby, give me that mouth’ and now you don’t even want to be my
friend
? Stop being an asshole, MacLaine! Decide what you fraking want, and stop playing goddamn games!”

Games? Games?! I’m the one playing games? She doesn’t even want my mouth on her, practically running through a wall to get out of my apartment, but no, she loves the kid, and I’m not as important. That sounded stupid.

“I’m trying to take it slow – for you. I’m beating myself up every fucking day – for you, because you deserve better, because you deserve more than half a man. But I’m too damn selfish.”
Fucking shit, I am.
“
I
want those nerdy shirts, to see you put them on every morning.
I
want you there every single night, reading Matty to sleep, waiting for you to crawl into bed with me. I want your voice in my apartment, I want your geeky posters on my wall, and your body in my bed. Is that real enough for you?”

Shit. Her face has gone white-on-white and her eyes are big behind the lenses of her glasses. She chews her bottom lip, making me stare at her mouth. I don’t know if it’s a calculated move or not. Sera’s practically trembling, and her breath has shortened like she’s run up the stairs.

“Super real,” she croaks out, clearing her throat after the fact. “I’d be lying if I said those weren’t words I wanted to hear.”

She’s going to make me smile when I want to be serious.
Don’t do it, you’ll lose the battle.
“I’ve wanted to say them for a while. You just need to know what you’re getting into with me.”

“I’m having a thought here, Barbossa.”

What?

Sera rolls her eyes at the ceiling and sighs. When she looks back at me, she says, “
Pirates of the Caribbean
again. I really need you to watch that movie. I’m making jokes to the walls, over here” She smiles with only a hint of teeth, and lays a hand on my cheek, gentling me. My heart’s beating hard and fast, and it has nothing to do with my sugar low.

Then she takes every crack in the walls I’ve built to keep myself strong so I can be there for Matty, and blows them to fucking pieces.

“I think you’re amazing,” she tells me, and I know she’s lying.

“Really, I do. You’re sweet and kind. You don’t understand my nerdy jokes, but you care enough to look them up after. You’re the only one who likes my nerdy shirts. You’re strong, and brave. So, yeah, I think you’re amazing. And no matter what you say or do – nothing will make me change my mind from that.”

Man up, keep it locked, motherfucker. Keep it locked.
I move my face so I can graze my lips on the tender flesh of her palm and have to steel myself to ask my next question. She can still shoot me down.

“So you still want to be my friend?”

“I...”

I’m going to pass out if she doesn’t say something soon.

“I think I want to be more than your friend.”

Just like that, I’m flying higher than Superman, and I’m pretty sure I can take Batman on, even with his fancy ass ninja suit.