Never Broken: Songs Are Only Half the Story

also by jewel

NONFICTION

Chasing Down the Dawn: Stories from the Road

POETRY

A Night Without Armor: Poems

CHILDREN

That’s What I’d Do

Sweet Dreams

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Copyright © 2015 by Jewel

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Jewel, date.

Never broken : songs are only half the story / Jewel.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-698-19210-2

1. Jewel, date. 2. Singers—United States—Biography. I. Title.

ML420J38A3 2015 2015024911

728.42164092—dc23

[B]

Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the author’s alone.

Version_1

I dedicate this book to anyone who is struggling in darkness, seeking to know their light.

contents

also by jewel

title page

copyright

dedication

epigraph

MY NEW SHAPE

foreword

one | pioneer spirit

two | broken harmonies

three | you don’t outrun pain

four | emotional english

five | a breadcrumb trail

six | hard wood grows slowly

seven | calm within chaos

eight | an invisible thread

nine | my own ladder

ten | a sea change

eleven | turn toward the pain

twelve | who will save your soul

thirteen | internal permission

fourteen | the wisdom of silence

FARMERS OF LIGHT

fifteen | the servants of our thoughts

sixteen | safety in vulnerability

seventeen | imperfect, full of mistakes—but honest

eighteen | will she fix her teeth?

nineteen | arriving

twenty | the long shot

twenty-one | every day angels

twenty-two | let your light shine

twenty-three | so. she can ride.

twenty-four | do you love me like i love you

twenty-five | truth over fantasy

THE INFINITE ACHE

twenty-six | brilliant resilience

twenty-seven | life as a country song

twenty-eight | a child of my own

MILK AND LAVENDER

twenty-nine | family tree

TO MY SON

thirty | i choose love

epilogue

WHOLE HUMAN

afterword

photos

acknowledgments

credits

about the author

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.

—Joseph Campbell

be ground

be crumbled

so wildflowers will come up where you are

—Rumi

MY NEW SHAPE

40

40 years old

when did this happen

blonde

but gray sneaks in

I’m sure

though I would never know

because I lose myself in

the (hair color) bottle

I am fit enough

maybe more fit

than when I was 20

I have less hair

thanks to an underactive

thyroid

stress induced they say

. . .

I use Latisse to make

my eyelashes grow

I text 50 times a day

I have a scar

above my pubic bone

from a C-section

when they lifted my

sweet boy

from my abdomen

I am newly separated

from my husband

shocking

would have lost the ranch

on that bet

. . .

actually, I did . . .

basically

I am a blank canvas

well not blank maybe—

an unwritten chapter

is perhaps the better metaphor

sure I have a history

a hell of one, actually

I am dinged-up

and weary and my heart

is sore

but really

in the most essential way

I am as new as I ever have been

the best is not behind me

damnit

it’s ahead of me

for the first time

I never stood a chance before

because

I was a slave to what I could not see

a puppet to past patterns

but I have taken a knife

and carved myself free

it cost me dearly

but what I gained is myself

the truest treasure is

a soul who believes

in its own existence—

and I believe!

I am here!

I am showing up!

I have to go slowly

so I don’t skip by

what this moment is

divorce

D

I

V

O

R

C

E

this is the best

worst time

of my life

it is a death

a tragedy

a sad and fiery end

to a dream I desperately wanted

the loss of innocence for my son

and God how this breaks my heart

. . .

but it is also a second chance

and I can’t let sorrow

or self-loathing

or reproach

rob me

of the gift

from fire comes

a stark silence

as flame drives

what is most essential

deep inside

all else burned away

I let all else leave me

I keep only what is most truly me

thank God

for this fire

bless this fire

bless this new shape

I am sexual

I am spiritual

I am mother

I am playful child

I am

unapologetic

U

N

A

P

O

L

O

G

E

T

I

C

it took me

40 years

but I’m here

finally

it has been

hard-won

and you can bet

I’m not giving it up

for anyone

no more submissive posture

no more tentative shape

no more body

bent like a question mark

. . .

I know what’s best for me

above all others

finally

I reserve the sacred right

to redefine myself at will

I can stand in my own power

and not make myself small

for anyone

to make them feel safe

I will shrink myself

no longer

to make

any human feel