Never Enough (7 page)

"This should have never happened. It's all a mistake. You know it is too Trevor." I drew in a deep breath and
continued, “Look, there are many women out there, who I'm sure are willing to make you happy and go for walks in the park with you but I'm not that girl." It hurt to lie and I tried even harder to hold the tears back.

"So that's how you feel? Why didn't you just tell me that from the beginning Macy? I have feelings too. When you gave me your number I thought this was finally it. My shot with you. You've been flirting with me at The Lounge for months now and I decide to
finally act on it and you tell me it's a mistake. But tell me how can it be a mistake if you won't give it a chance?" His voice sounded angry and hurt all mixed together.

Hold on. Did he just say I'd been flirting? Dammit I didn't remember any of it. All the m
ore reason to not drink anymore, under no circumstances ever would I actually flirt with him. He had it all wrong. It was always him flirting I know this much. "I flirted with you? I’m sorry you must have me mistaken for someone else, like one of the floozies who throw themselves at you." There is no way I have ever flirted with him. Wrong person Trevor.

"Yes
Macy. Every time your uncle wasn't around or had his back turned you'd bat your eyelashes at me and make sure you always brushed up against me enough to make me want to push you up against the wall and kiss you but I couldn't because of his rule. Do you know how hard that is? Huh? To be turned on like that?"

Holy shit. I had no idea what to say because I had no idea any of this had been going on.
Apparently I was doing this when Halley wasn’t around either because she would have already jumped my ass for it. "I, uh, well you know that's what drinking does to people. It screws with our judgment." The bitch card was played; I laid it out on the table. He was sure to leave now. Except he didn't, he still sat there on the couch, on my couch just staring at me. Why hadn’t he taken a hint and left yet? If our roles had been reversed I know I would have gotten up and practically ran out the door. No way would I sit there humilitated.

He stared at me with the biggest puppy dog eyes. I was hurting him
, I knew it and it was written all over his face. "You should probably leave Trevor."

"Macy, no. Talk to me. You were fine earlier
and then all of a sudden you just turned. I just don't understand. You think I wasn't listening when you sang last night? You never sing songs like that. I'm a lot of things Macy Young, but I'm no fool." He was right. I never sang sappy love songs. Those were usually reserved for the drunks, and they always seemed to butcher them into a million pieces. It was something most people tended to cover their ears for.

I so badly wanted to ask him if he listened to the song, why didn’t he come up to me after I sang it. He claims to know exactly what I was singing about but he didn’t act on it. He walked away.
I took a deep breath, got up and walked towards the front door, opened it and looked at him with cold, hateful eyes. "Please go."

He
slowly peeled himself off our tan couch and walked up to me. He tried to touch my arm and I turned away from him. My eyes refused to meet with his; no matter how hard he tried, I couldn't bring myself to see what I was doing to him. And if I met his eyes, I may take all this back and give in. His head hung and he walked out the door. The door shut before I could blink and I locked it before I could chase him and beg for forgiveness. I walked to the bathroom, ran the hottest bath and lay there and cried.

*****

Halley was banging on the door like she'd lost her mind screaming at me. "MACY!! ARE YOU OK PLEASE SAY SOMETHING, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU!"

Shit, I'd fallen asleep in the bathtub. She was bound to slap me when I walked out. "Ohmigod Hales, I fell asleep hold on give me a second." I stumbled out the bathtub and threw my robe on. I unlocked the door and there stood Halley rather unamused with Trevor next to her wearing the same look
on his face too. Great, what was he doing here? Getting thrown out wasn’t good enough the first time I guess.

"Macy what the hell? I ran into Trevor down the road and he was talking about how worried he was about you and I get home and you didn't answer
while I was calling for you. Do you have any idea how worried I was?! Do you even care?"

I glared at Trevor
practically shooting daggers at him and he hung his head. "Halley can I talk to you privately, please?" I tapped my foot impatiently and she followed me. "I'm sorry." I shut the door and she just stared.

"What the hell happened with Trevor? He looks so upset."

"We had lunch." She was now gawking at me; I remembered that I never told her we were having lunch. "And I was having fun but it's all a mistake nothing can happen with us. I left and he followed me like a crazy person and I made him leave."

She opened her mouth to speak then stopped. She stared into my eyes. "I understand Macy but you have to open up eventually.
How often do we have to have this talk? He looks crushed out there. What happened to you isn't fair to him. He really likes you."

"
He doesn’t know me Halley. All he sees is my face, he doesn’t see anything else. Do you know what it's like, huh do you?" I glared at her daring her to tell me she understood because she knew as well as I did that she had no idea what it was like to have someone take everything from you.

"No I don't but you can't let it
keep consuming your life."

Huffing and puffing, I glared at her,
"Look if I talk to him will you leave me alone?"

"Yes, get dressed and then he can come in here and talk with you. I'm not saying tell him all your life's problems but just talk to him. Obviously you two have something brewing that you can't just leave alone."

We hugged then she walked out and before I could even get my robe off my eyes caught Trevor's. I motioned him in and said, "Please sit down."

Cautiously he sat and just looked at me. I owed him an apology and so much more. I never should have treated him like I did earlier and he actually came back. I opened my mouth to speak and my phone rang. Great, who was it and what did they want? My mom's name lit up the screen and I immediately hit ignore. A minute later it rang again, she was never this persistent but she was soon going to figure out that I didn't want to speak to her.
Hell, she’d gone six months without talking to me, a few more minutes wasn't going to kill her. Not even two minutes later a text came through from my uncle that stated: “Answer her call please kiddo." I told myself I would only answer because Uncle Gary asked me to. Not even a few seconds later the phone rang again. What was the deal today?

Trevor looked at my phone then at me,
“You going to get that?"

"Uh, yeah, uh sure hold on please, I'm so sorry." I stammered and fumbled to hit the talk button. My mom and I didn't talk much since I left.
There was nothing to say. There was the occasional call here and there which most of them were ignored. She took her husband’s side over mine and refused to believe what he did. I had removed her from my life that day. She should have taken my side but instead she left me hurting inside, I honestly had nothing at all to say to her. "Hello,” I answered in a rather flat tone.

"Hey baby. How are you I miss you." She actually sounded
sincere but I kept my guard up though. I couldn't fall for anything she said, I refused to. She was attempting a conversation with me as if nothing ever happened.

"I'm ok. Why do you keep calling?"
I answered flatly. This conversation needed to end so I could handle the Trevor situation.

"Macy, baby, I know you've been hurting
,” she started sniffling and then continued, "I'm so sorry I never believed you before. I wanted to let you know that I left him. I never knew he was sneaking in your room all that time and I wish I had listened to you and stopped him before I lost you. I know it's probably too late to come back into your life and I would like forgiveness but I understand if you can't give that to me just yet."

There was silence for a minute and then shakily, I laid the phone down on the bed and buried my head in my hands and cried.
These were tears that couldn’t be contained no matter how strong I wanted or tried to be. They always found a way out. This couldn’t be happening. I wasn’t reliving any of this in front of freaking Trevor. Maybe I fell asleep again, but I knew I was wide awake. I felt an arm cautiously reach around me and pull me closer and I suddenly remembered that Trevor was in the room. Mortified, I prayed he wasn't able to hear anything on the other end of the phone. I lifted my head and looked at him with a tear stained face and offered a tiny smile as a thank you and then reached for my phone.

"Macy, are you there?"

I sobbed out, "Yes, sorry about that." Trying to contain my tears was much harder than I thought. Suddenly I was thankful for waterproof mascara. "You already told Gary?"

"Yes. He told me not to force myself back into your life because you are still hurt and I promise I won't.
Not until you are ready."

"Ok." Just when I thought my emotions had stabilized I began sobbing into the phone.
There were so many questions that needed to be answered for my sake. "Mom, why didn't you believe me sooner? Things could have been so much better for me, for you. I wanted to kill him sometimes. Why..why.." I had so much hatred locked away inside from all this. So much hatred for her, hatred for him, hatred in general towards anyone. Why did she think she could just come back into my life and say she left him? Was I supposed to forgive and forget? Was it that easy?

"Baby girl, I'm so sorry." There were tears on both ends of the phone and I suddenly wished she were there in person so I could hug her.
My defenses began to fall, after all she was my mom. No matter how mad I got or how screwed up it was, at the end of the day she is my Mom. "I just wanted to tell you that. I won't keep you but please call more often. I love you so much Macy. Can I ask you something please though before we hang up? I need to know."

"I love you to
o Mom, thank you. What is it?"

“Did he ever actually...”she began sobbing and I knew what she was getting ready to ask.
It’d been hidden for years and everything was about to spill out at once and she actually believed me? I tried to be brave and quit crying but I couldn’t. The tears were still steadily streaming. All the memories flooded back and it made me sick to my stomach. Memories I’d always prayed would stay low and never come back up. Memories I never wanted to relive as long as I walked this earth. “Macy, are..you..a..v-virgin?”

I sat there terrified afraid to answer the question. I’d blocked this for so long and I really didn’t care to bring all this back. Trevor gave me a concerned look and touched my arm. I let him because I was scared he’d never want to touch me again if he ever fully understood what this conversation was. I drew in a deep breath
, clenched my chest with my free arm then whispered, “No.”

Mom began frantically screaming and I couldn’t make out a single word she said. I tried to listen and squeeze in a word or two to let her know that even though that asshole had stolen my innocence I had made myself ok
, that I was stronger than ever before. Yes I had my bad days, but the good days outnumbered the bad. That’s what I wanted to tell her. After a minute or so, I had to place the phone down because the reality of it all was continuing to sink back in and I sobbed uncontrollably. Trevor pulled me back into a hug and I cried on his shoulder. I wanted Halley in here with me seeing as how she already knew everything but I didn’t want Trevor to feel he wasn’t good enough. Frankly, I was surprised she hadn’t barged her way inside yet. I could still hear Mom screaming even though I wasn’t holding the phone. Literally, it felt as though time had stopped. I heard my name and picked up the phone.

“Macy, I want to see about pressing charges against him. I was so ignorant and blind to this. He can’t and won’t get away with it.”

“Ok Mom,” I was still sobbing and more than ready to end this phone call. “Can we talk later Mom; I really just want to rest now.”

“Yes baby, I’m going to call a lawyer. I’ll get back with you as soon as I know something.”

We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone and Trevor was still there holding me. The tears had begun to subside but every so often I was unable to hold a few back and the waterworks would start all over again. He never let me go. He never asked any questions. He sat right there next to me the entire time. I always knew that eventually if Trevor and I made anything work out he'd have to know and without realizing it, he'd almost heard everything.

Chapter 6

My eyes were finally starting to dry and Trevor was still holding me. As much as I didn’t want to tell him, I knew he needed to know. After all, he’d just witnessed my breakdown and heard probably more than he needed to and for some reason he was still sitting here. I glanced towards a picture of me when I was four years old that I also keep on my nightstand. I was so young and innocent and probably the happiest kid in the world. I was wearing some Disney character outfit eating a strawberry snow cone. Those were the best days. Now look at me, 23 and a whole hot mess. Why couldn’t I go back to being four then just rewrite my whole life story? It’s never that easy though. Life went on and so have I. There were no more strawberry snow cones in my life, and the ones that were there were not as good as I remembered.