Never Let You Go (14 page)

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s probably from how I grew up.” He finished one half of his sandwich and started on the other.

Megan waited for him to go on, but Jordan dug into the bag of berries and popped several into his mouth one by one.

“How come?” she finally prompted. She ate a couple of berries too. The juice stained her fingers, but the taste was intense on her tongue.

Jordan stretched his legs out in front of him on the grass. He looked over at Megan. “It’s weird, I guess I feel like you’ll understand this.”

Megan nodded. “I want to.”

“I grew up in a little town, and I had kind of a hard time.”

“How so?” Megan looked at him. It was hard for her to imagine anyone as gorgeous as he was having a hard time. A little breeze brushed her cheek and she raised her face to it.

“My parents were big back-to-the-land hippies.” He smiled, but not a happy smile. “They moved to Lodi when I was six to get closer to nature—that’s the way they always put it. They built a log cabin for us to live in. Lodi is this little town where nothing had changed since the 1950s, and they showed up and ran around talking about the Earth Mother and living in a ‘more human space’ and just expected that everyone would love them as much as they loved each other.”

Megan sensed he was waiting for her to laugh at him, but she didn’t feel like laughing. She could see that he was sensitive
about this topic. She raked the grass with her fingers and waited for him to go on.

After a moment, he did. “There was always this sense from our parents that we were better than everyone else. When I was little, I actually believed it. But when I got to be eight or so, I didn’t want to eat carrot soup and wear shirts my mom wove. I wanted pizza and a Raiders jersey, you know? Of course, they’d
never
get me or my older sister anything like that, and all the kids in town knew it.” He clasped his arms around his updrawn knees. “We were basically the freaks of the town.” He gave a little, humorless laugh. “Thanks, Mom and Dad.”

Without thinking, she reached out and put her hand over his. “That sounds really hard.”

He shrugged. “It got a little better when I was older. I learned how to let things roll off my back.”

“Are your parents still in Lodi?”

Jordan pushed the food trash aside and lay back on the dry grass. “Yeah, they’re still there. And still self-righteous.”

“I used to get teased a bunch when I was younger,” Megan offered.

“You?” Jordan raised his head a little to look at her. “No, seriously?”

“I’m glad it’s that hard to believe. It doesn’t seem so crazy to me. I had no idea how to dress, for one thing.” She looked down at her T-shirt, which now sported several berry stains. “I still don’t, actually.”

“That’s not true.” Jordan smiled up at her from the golden
grass. “I think you dress cute. Here, look at these clouds.” Jordan pointed up. “You have to lie down to see them.”

With a feeling that she was taking another step into dangerous territory, Megan eased herself flat on her back beside him and stared up at the pale blue sky. Delicate cirrus clouds like fish scales trailed off to the horizon.

They turned to look at each other at the same time. Their faces were only a few inches apart. Megan could see the blond stubble on his chin and felt the electrifying tingle of his bare arm against hers. Her heart thudded. His eyes flitted to her hair, then her mouth. Megan felt herself trembling. For an overwhelming instant, he moved closer, and she quickly looked back at the sky.

Jordan cleared his throat. “So, why’d it stop?”

“Wh-what?” She closed her eyes, trying to recover.

“The teasing. You said you used to get teased.”

“Oh, that.” She managed to stop trembling and took a deep breath. “Well, I had Anna. She was like my savior. She had a thousand and one friends and I couldn’t figure out why she had chosen
me
above everyone else, but she did. No one would ever tease me when Anna was nearby.”

“And so you feel like you owe her.”

A swallow swooped above them. The sun was stronger now, sending powerful midafternoon rays across the fields.

Megan shook her head and propped herself up on her elbows. “I’m sorry, what?”

“You feel like you owe her,” Jordan repeated. “You know, for rescuing you. That’s why you let her take shots at you, isn’t it?”

“Anna doesn’t take shots at me,” Megan replied automatically, but she knew that Jordan had put into words what she’d always felt but never could say. Anna
did
push her around, and Megan knew she didn’t usually stand up for herself. Instead, she just got that hot, angry, shameful feeling whenever Anna poked her with a little verbal jab. Or things like driving past her in town. Anna was always doing that stuff—and she had ever since they were little. But it had gotten worse since Mike.

“It’s not like that,” she tried to explain. But she dropped her eyes under his steady gaze, feeling an unexpected flush of shame. It was as if he’d seen into some secret part of herself that she’d always thought was invisible to other people.

Then she felt his hand on hers. “What I’m trying to say is that I think we’re more alike than you realize.” He looked into her eyes again. “I think we’ve both spent a lot of time hiding.” He leaned toward her.

For a moment, she stopped breathing.
No. No. No! Do not kiss him. Do not. Never again, never again. You will lose her forever, Megan! She is your best friend—almost your only friend. Remember Mike. Remember Mike.
Megan shook her head as if to knock some sense back into it. “Look,” she said, “what’s, um, what’s the deal with you and Anna?” Her heart pounded madly, but it needed to be asked. They couldn’t keep going on like this.

Jordan sighed, as if he’d been expecting the question. “I don’t know, honestly.” He spread his hands. “At first, yeah, she seemed like a fun girl, and we flirted around plenty before the rest of you arrived. But that was it. I never kissed her or said anything to
make her think we were, like, together.” He shook his head. “But lately, it seems like she’s gotten kind of . . . intense, you know?”

Megan nodded. She did know.

Jordan looked her full in the face. “I never led her on. I want you to know that. I’m not a jerk like that.”

“I know,” Megan almost-whispered. She felt him take her hand and slowly entwine his fingers with hers. She couldn’t take her eyes from his face. Then he leaned toward her, tilting his head, and she felt her lips part slightly.
No!

With all the will in her body, Megan leapt to her feet and walked a few yards away, gazing down the road. “The truck’s really late. He’d better get here before the mosquitoes come out.”

Jordan didn’t say anything, and Megan turned around, her face full of the struggle inside her.
Please understand. I can’t do this to her.
In response, he rose to his feet and went to stand next to her. He nodded and, with one finger, brushed her lips briefly, his touch glowing like the flare of a match. “Yeah, I know.”

CHAPTER 8

The farmers’ market was nestled in a charming little shopping district in the midst of Ault Hill. As they alighted from the rumbling tow truck and waved good-bye to the driver, Megan looked around at the little white tents selling riding clothes and cashmere sweaters and wondered how this place could exist so close to the world of J & B Pawn.

Given Farm’s stall was set up about halfway down the row of vendors. She could see Sarah standing over a basket of green peppers, talking to a middle-aged guy in a golf shirt. Then, with a shiver, she saw Anna and Robert.

Jordan hadn’t said they would be here. She knew she hadn’t
technically
done anything wrong, but shame and guilt still rose hot in her throat as she approached. She didn’t dare look at Jordan.

“Hey there!” Sarah greeted them cheerfully from behind the wooden plank that served as their counter. “Thomas told us about
the truck—that sucks. Glad you guys got back okay.”

“You find the corn guy?” Robert asked as he stacked empty berry boxes.

“Yeah, we found him all right.” Megan slipped behind the counter, and Jordan started helping load the strawberry trays into the van parked behind the stall.

Megan rearranged the tomatoes into a pyramid before daring to cast her eyes over to Anna. Her friend was counting money into a cash box and didn’t look up. Of course she was concentrating, but Megan thought she saw a whiteness around Anna’s pursed lips.

Megan was about to say something when a girl with a peasant skirt and two young guys with bushy beards approached the booth. They were all wearing T-shirts that read
AULT HILL FARMERS
’
MARKET
. They reminded Megan of a cross between nineteenth-century homesteaders and hippies. It wasn’t a look that she was used to in suburban Cleveland, but out here it seemed to work.

“How’re you guys?” the girl asked.

“Hey!” Sarah kissed each on the cheek, then turned to the others. “This is Dee, Murray, and Charles. They’re in charge of the farmers’ market association.”

Megan nodded.

“Your tomatoes look fantastic,” Dee said. She picked up one of the plump, juicy globes and hefted it in her palm. “Beautiful. How many acres did you guys plant?”

“Just one. You know, we fertilized this year with cow manure instead of horse, and I really think it’s making a difference.” Sarah smiled at a young woman with a double stroller who had stopped to look at the piles of parsley and basil. “Hey, are you guys coming to Midsummer Night this year?”

“Oh, definitely,” one of the guys said. Megan couldn’t remember if he was Charles or Murray. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Thomas throws a big party around the solstice every year,” Sarah explained to the others. “It’s Saturday night out on the lawn. It’s great—we cook, and there’s an old-timey band. Everyone gets dressed up.”

“That sounds like fun,” Megan said.

“See you guys then,” Dee said. She waved, and the three strolled away down the aisle of stalls. There was a last-minute rash of people buying things, and for fifteen minutes or so, Megan was too busy to even look up.

Finally, there was a lull, and Megan sank down in one of the lawn chairs behind the table. Sarah perched beside her. “So, how was the trip? Did you meet Coothy?”

“Oh my God.” Megan laughed. “He is unbelievable. Well, I mean, the whole trip was kind of a disaster from the start.” She started telling Sarah about the wrong turn and the engine noises. “Then, at the farm, this guy looked like something from an old horror flick. He never let go of this old shovel.” She mimed Coothy’s grumpy stance while Sarah and Robert laughed.

“So, he says his wheelbarrow’s broken and he actually wants
us to carry the corn up this insane hill,” Jordan said. “And
Megan
told him that we absolutely wouldn’t—”

“You’re such a liar!” Megan laughed at him. “I spent the whole time trying to hide behind you! If I could drive a stick, I would’ve left you to deal with him.”

Jordan widened his eyes mockingly. “No, seriously! You guys should’ve seen her, she was so tough—”

Megan shoved his shoulder. “Shut up! He’s so wrong, you guys. . . .” They grinned at each other. Sarah and Robert were laughing too, but Anna’d stopped counting the money, and her face made Megan’s hands grow cold and her mouth go dry.

Anna wasn’t laughing. She was still, as if every muscle in her body had frozen. Her eyes rested on Megan, glittering and hard.

Megan saw the accusation on her face, and her insides shriveled. Jordan didn’t notice—he was describing the truck breaking down. Megan forced a smile.

Anna didn’t respond. Instead, she took a berry from the box in front of her and bit into it, chewing slowly and deliberately, never taking her eyes from Megan’s face.

The sky was streaked with purple over the fields as the sun set in a liquid blaze, but in the woods, it was already dark. Megan stumbled over a root sticking out of the crude path and lurched against Anna, who grabbed her so she wouldn’t fall, her flashlight swinging against the trees. They both giggled nervously because of the dark. Whatever tension had surfaced that afternoon had faded, and Anna seemed like her old self again.

They were last in the line that snaked through the hilly woods. Dave was in front, carrying a mandolin, followed by Sarah, who had a bag of cookies. Isaac had brought his guitar, and Robert and Jordan both carried wood on their backs in canvas slings.

“This is going to be so fun,” Anna burbled beside Megan. “I love bonfires, don’t you?” She was practically skipping along the path, despite the rough footing.

“Hey, I love bonfires too,” Robert declared, clearly aiming his comment at Anna. “We should’ve brought stuff for s’mores. I haven’t had those since I went to camp.”

He’s trying—no one can say he’s not
, Megan thought. She had to admire the guy’s persistence.

“Uh-huh,” Anna murmured dismissively and walked faster to catch up with Jordan.

Don’t
, Megan thought instinctively as she hurried after her friend. But of course, she couldn’t say that.

Luckily, they started up a steep incline, and Anna was forced to slow down before she could reach Jordan. Megan trudged along, feeling the pull in her calves. They were climbing a sort of ridge that traced the edge of a deep ravine. The trees were thick and the path was a switchback, winding around the trunks.