Never Say Never (4 page)

I FEEL LOST!

My mother’s sudden departure is eating me up inside. Sometimes I don’t even feel like a teenager anymore. I feel like the weight of the world is sitting uncomfortably on my shoulders weighing me down, a little more as each day passes.

I can’t help but think of Cameron and his kiss, I liked it and was definitely interested in more, but what did I do? I hit him and then ran away like a coward. I can’t even imagine him wanting to look at me anymore. I blame my mother for that one too. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart, that is only going to be filled again by her. The only problem is, she doesn’t care about my heart anymore, she only cares about her own.

I have at least fifty letters that I have written to her, neatly bundled in a rubber band, hiding in a box that I placed high up in my closet. They were all written to her, with no address placed on the front, envelopes filled with hate. It is the only way I can tell her how I feel, yell it out on paper. Paper I may never have a forwarding address for. I keep them hidden, my dad has no idea. He assumes I’m fine, and over it, but I’m not. He thinks two months of counseling was all it would take to make me forget. I really don’t know how he could judge me and my emotions, he’s never home to see them. I feel like an adult half the time, running a million dollar home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc...I might as well be.

My stomach’s loud grumbling pulls me from my thoughts, and as I look down at the clock, I know I’m on my own again. We have been here almost a month, and I could count on one hand, the amount of times we ate together. I started keeping track so I had some ammunition to use for a later date, if necessary.

I am getting tired of Ramen noodles and sandwiches, and since the weather isn’t too bad for once, I head down toward the center of town.

I don’t know why everyone boasts about the pizza here. I don’t get it, stuffed pizza isn’t for me. Although I can’t complain, I’m the one who picked Lou Malnati’s to eat in. It was surprisingly busy for a Thursday night.

I recognize a few kids from school, although none were friends. I don’t really want to get too attached to anyone, I was leaving in under six months, and hopeful never to return.

After a short time, I see Barbie and her friends come bouncing in like they own the place. She is the one girl I completely avoid, I hate everything about her. Her fake blond hair, the clothes she wears, the make-up plastered on so thick I could scrape it off with a knife. I know I’m not going to go unnoticed since I am sitting up front, and dining alone. Thanks again, Dad. I can almost hear the comments as they come into her bleached blond head. They walk toward me, smirking, with pure evil in their eyes.

She places her hands on her hips.

“What no friends? You’re so lame,” Stephanie mutters.

“Leave me alone, Barbie,” I growl taking the last bite of my pizza.

“What did you just call me?” she snorts.

I stand up, wanting to get far away as possible. She doesn’t scare me, but I don’t want any trouble from her, not tonight. As I turn to walk away, she picks up my soda and throws it in my face. I can kill her in that moment, I want to.

“Leave Cameron alone. Got it!” she yells.

I don’t really know what comes over me, I don’t think, I react. I ball my hand into a fist, and hit her as hard as I can in her face. As she drops to the ground I turn on my heels, toss the ten dollar bill from my pocket on the table and storm off. The last thing I see is her lying on the ground, clutching her cheek with absolute hatred in her eyes. I think of running home, but I don’t want to give her the satisfaction. I slow my pace and walk.

Great, Chicago is getting better and better by the day. The worst part is the comment about Cameron. I wasn’t after him, not really. She could have him. I don’t need a relationship or anything else for that matter. I was a little nervous thinking about school, I didn’t want any trouble, and that girl is trouble with a capital T.

Okay, I probably shouldn’t have punched her like that, and part of me feels bad, but the other part of me can’t believe how good it felt to punch something...anything. And who the hell does she think she is throwing my soda at me? Screw her.

I was absorbed thinking about Stephanie, and thinking about Cameron’s kiss. He is obviously interested in me, and she is clearly jealous. It feels good to have the upper hand on that one. A girl can understand, he is beyond handsome for a seventeen year old senior in high school. Who wouldn’t want him all for themselves?

I lay in my bed imagining his arms, his lips, how they felt when they touched me, and for a brief second, I want him to be mine and no one else’s. The sound of the garage opening yanks me away from my thoughts and pulls me back to reality. I pull myself together and start making my way downstairs. It’s already nine o’clock and this is the first time I am seeing my father today.

My body freezes as my feet hit the last step. I become a statue quickly when I realize he isn’t alone.

“Hey, Kitty Kat. Come down here, there’s someone I want you to meet,” He says coolly.

Ugh! I hate when he calls me that.

I somehow manage to peel my feet away from the bottom stair and walk forward. My father’s arm is tightly wrapped around a woman, that not only had I never seen before, but looks no more than thirty years old.

She smiles at me, looking nervous.

My dad speaks first. “Kat, this is Rebecca. Rebecca this is my Kat,” he says, still holding onto her.

What the hell is this?

Is he serious?

I reach my hand out to be polite, then pull it back as she takes it.

“Hi,” I say.

My eyes are frozen on my dad’s hands as they graze her backside, his eyes glaze over as he stares at her. I’m sure he doesn’t think I notice, but I do.

“I have homework. I gotta go. It was nice to meet you.” I bolt. As I reach the second step I hear her yell out. “You too, Kat.”

How could he do that to me? Just bring her home, and expect me to welcome her with open arms. I knew eventually he most likely would, but seven months later. Well, shit it had me thinking, and I don’t like what I thought. I lock my door, turn off the lights and cry myself to sleep, as I wonder how all this happened.

***

I can’t bring myself to go to school today. I’m not one for ditching, but my father’s sudden new girlfriend threw me for a loop. I wasn’t really expecting that so soon, although I should have. I now know what he’s doing every night after work, leaving me to frozen dinners and punching girls in local pizza joints. What an asshole!

Having less than a good night sleep, it makes my decision to ditch even easier. I can’t find the energy to get out of bed. I’m sure the news of my punching the plastic Barbie will be all over the school this morning, but I don’t care. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me or my absence. Maybe they’ll think that I’m afraid to show up and finish what she started, like I said...I just didn’t give a shit.

I have bigger problems, and her name is Rebecca. On one hand I completely understood my Dad moving on. On the other, how could he do this to me? I wasn’t ready for this. The bigger question is, will I ever be?

After several hours of contemplating what would happen if my mother made a surprise reentrance into our lives. I wondered what he would do? Would he take her back? Would I? I want her to come back, I’m tired of fending for myself. I am tired of being responsible for the laundry, the dishes, preparing my own meals. I have my grown up years to do all that crap, it’s not fair that I have to take care of myself this early in life. I know eighteen is right around the corner, but really how many of these snotty Naperville kids have to fend for themselves? I should have at least four years of college to think about this, being officially on my own. Right?

As I push back the curtains, I can’t help but close my eyes and let the sun hit my face. Wow, look at that...sun and no snow on the ground. Maybe today won’t be so bad after all. This calls for a latte, a good book and my tree in the park.

When I look up, I can’t believe he is standing there, looking down at me. Cameron of all people is here with me, in my secret getaway place from life and everything else. I quickly check my watch to see the time, school is still going, why the hell is he here? And, how did he find me?

Oh, great now he’s here defending innocent barbie and all the bullshit that goes with her. As I sit up, I’m not expecting the words that come out of his mouth, is he that stupid?

I mean, I know he doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall, but really. After I tell him my version, he surprises me, something he’s done before. He leans in and kisses me. Oh. My. God. Not again.

His lips, his face, the kiss it is overwhelming, and I can’t think of what to say. Before I know it, we’re agreeing to be friends, more than friends I think. Friends no one will find out about, least of all Stephanie.

What was I thinking? This is not my plan, I wasn’t supposed to make friends, let alone get attached to a guy, I’m leaving in a less than six months. First, Gabby, now Cameron, my master plan is not working the way it’s meant to.

I can’t help myself, something about him makes me feel all gooey inside when he looks at me, it’s something I never felt before. Butterflies were bouncing in my stomach the entire drive back to my house, and I never really experienced my stomach flip flopping like that over a boy before. Zach never made me feel like this, ever. Thank God I never slept with him.

I hate seeing him drive off, I wanted more time with him. Shit, what was I thinking? More time. No Kat, let this one go I keep telling myself, I’ll only get hurt come August. He’s gonna dump me when he goes off to college, or maybe even before, when he realizes what a train wreck I am over my mother.

When I get back inside I can only think of one person to call and tell, I quickly grab my cell and dial.

“I’ve got an update, Jess.” I say.

“Tell me everything, and I mean everything.” She says.

I tell her everything about Cameron, and what a fool I am, thinking of letting this go any further. She tells me to go for it, but I don’t really want that advice, I want her to tell me to run, run fast away and wait until Arizona. But, she doesn’t.

CAMERON

I drum my fingers impatiently on my desk, staring at the door. I have looked for her all morning with no success. I know her schedule now, and hoped to grab her before first period, but she wasn’t where she was supposed to be. I had a plan, and if I can’t find her, well, it won’t work.

Mrs. McLaughlin already starts her lecture, and still no sign of Kat. My stomach turns, and not in a good way. I start feeling nauseous from the rumors swirling around the hallways. I don’t get the story first hand from Stephanie, because I already told her to leave me alone, and I really don’t care what happens to her.

Rumor has it, Kat punched Stephanie in the face for no apparent reason, just attacked her last night. I don’t know Kat real well, but I know Steph and suspect the rumor might not be completely true. There has to be more to the story than that.

The only thing that makes me believe that something did go down, was Stephanie’s swollen cheek, and Kat’s absence. Kat not showing up for school surprises me. I didn’t take her for a coward, and am a little shocked when she doesn’t show.

I spot Stephanie earlier in the morning, covering her face as much as she can, never once looking in my direction. I want desperately to ask her what happened? Is the story true? I don’t. I have Max find everything out he that he possibly can.

“Dude, just stay away from her, she slugged Steph for no reason. The girl’s got issues,” he adds.

I just stare, not fully understanding why he hated Kat so much.

“Says who....Stephanie and her cronies?” I challenge.

“Why do you like her so much?” he asks.

“Why don’t you?” I retort through clenched teeth.

He doesn’t answer, he just shakes his head, tsking me.

After my conversation with Max and my stomach now full, I feel the need, no a pull, to go find her. I only have three classes left, so the decision to ditch the rest of the day is easy. The school is huge and it’s always easy to escape out the gymnasium doors. Coach McGee never pays any attention, so when he walks away from his desk; I bolt.

When I get to my car, I tightly wrap my hands around the steering wheel, not sure that what I am about to do is the right thing. I hesitate before I place my keys into the ignition, but feel a jolt in my hand as I twist the key and fire it up. I am actually sweating, as I pull onto Jefferson, the beads of sweat are falling into my eyes, my hands are slippery on the wheel. I can’t believe how I am feeling over her, I barely know this girl. Here I am hunting her down like some lunatic.

I have no way of knowing if she’s home unless I get the courage to go up to the door, and my ass feels like it’s cemented to the seat. I rest my head on the back of the seat breathing in, not understanding why I am feeling so scared to approach her. Maybe it was the fact that she’ll reject me again, I mean how many times can I take it? I wasn’t sure if I even had a limit when it came to her, she excited me, and I think I would probably try till I succeed.