Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (25 page)

Chapter 27

Jimmy remained quiet the entire drive home. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he hating me for splitting up his family? His dad for not coming home? Or was he just scared none of this would work out and he’d have to visit his father until he went to college? I wanted to ask him, but couldn’t get up enough nerve.

So I prayed. I prayed until I ran out of things to pray for. Then I listened. I sensed in my spirit that my son was angry with me but wasn
’t sure he wanted to confront me. Whether it was God showing me or my motherly intuition, I didn’t know. But I had to find out if my instincts were correct. So when we arrived home and walked inside I touched Jimmy’s shoulder. “Want to play a game?”

He shrugged.

“Okay, then. So what would you like to play? Scrabble?”

Jimmy shrugged again. I noticed he avoided eye contact with me so I tried a different approach.
“How about I make us some hot cocoa first? Would you like that?”

Another
shrug. Our conversation refused to budge toward something meaningful. So I decided to help it along. “You’re mad at me aren’t you, Jimmy? You’re mad but you’re afraid to tell me that.”

He glanced up, his eyes wide. Another shrug. His gaze darted around and he shifted his feet, hands stuffed in his pockets, his chin trembling. I sensed he would soon crack if I continued to prod him, but maybe that would be better than stuffing it down.

“I know you’re mad, Son. I’m mad at me, too. It’s okay to admit that…that I’ve failed you as a mom, that my sin has torn apart your family. It’s okay for you to tell me how you feel. I can handle that. I refuse to run from the truth about what I did, or from the consequences. They’re mine to face.”

Jimmy
’s gaze connected with mine, and he opened his mouth, then closed it again before he spoke. Another shrug.

“
How about if I talk for you? Would that help?” I touched Jimmy’s chin.

He peered up at me, looking very much like a young man, and yet he also resembled my little boy. The one who
’d had to grow up too fast, through no fault of his own.

“
I guess.” His voice was so quiet, so scratchy, that I almost missed what he’d said.

I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. What would I think about me if I were him? How would I feel?
“You wish you could tell me how you really feel. That you wished I had loved your dad more. That I had been thinking about you more than about what I wanted. That I still love you, but you worry that I love the other man more. That I love him still. You wonder if I’ll do that again. If I even want to be with your father. Am I close?” I peered at him with tear-filled eyes.

He slowly nodded. After a quick inhale, he let out a long breath and said in a rush of words,
“Why-did-you-do-that-mom-I-thought-you-loved-Jesus-more-than-anything. I thought you loved me. Would you have left us, Mom? Was he that important to you?”

I paused before answering. My gut instinct was to tell him the truth even if it might hurt him.
“In some ways, yes. I did think about being with him and leaving your dad, but I knew that wasn’t what God wanted or ultimately what I wanted. And yes, I did think about you and your dad and how much I love you both.”

Sucking in a deep breath, I exhaled slowly and continued, my palms rubbing at my wet cheeks as I spoke.
“I just never thought about how much my behavior would hurt you. I’m sorry for that, Jimmy. I do love you and I always will…”

My voice broke as I enveloped him in my arms, the last of my restraint ebbing away as I held my child. Jimmy sagged against me and began to wail in such a pitiful manner that it ripped at my chest. I joined him and we keened like two souls at the funeral of a lost loved one. But we weren
’t lost. We had the Lord and we had each other.

Finally after minutes of moaning against my chest, Jimmy relaxed and whispered,
“I love you, Mom. Please don’t do anything like that ever again. Please…”

Hunching over slightly, I kissed the top of Jimmy
’s head. “While I can’t promise you that I’ll never sin, I can promise that I’ll do everything in my power to make sure things never get so bad that I want to stray. I promise you that, Jimmy. I promise you…”

A satisfied-sounding sigh emitted from his lips.
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll do my best  to pray for you every day. And Dad, too.”

What more could a mother ask for than a son who prayed for her every day. Could she do any less?
“I’ll do the same, Jimmy. Before I get ready for the day, I’ll lift you and your father up in prayer. I promise.”
Lord, help me to keep that promise.

*****

Shortly after nine that night, when Jimmy was asleep, the phone rang. Without thinking to check the caller ID first, I picked it up. “Hello?”

“
Thanks to you my life is ruined. And now I’m stressed! We can’t sell our house and Tony’s job in Michigan fell through. We have to go live with my parents. Well, my son and I will, anyway. I don’t know what Tony will do with his life and I don’t care either. I hope your life sucks as much as mine does!”

Caught off guard by such a direct verbal assault, I hesitated. Part of me wanted to hang up and part of me wanted to make amends.
“I’ll pray for you….that you can sell your house. I’m sorry I hurt you and hurt your family.”

“
Pray for me? I think you should burn in hell for what you did! Your life should be destroyed more than mine! I did nothing wrong.”

Opening my mouth to respond, I snapped it shut when she cursed at me.

Her pitch increased with her volume as she shrieked, “You stole my husband. You deserve to feel worse than I do. I hope your husband divorces you! I hope everyone in this town finds out what you really are and they hold it against you. In fact, I’ve already told everyone I know and they were shocked. But I told them to not be. I told them you’re devious and evil and to keep their husbands away from you!”

While she laced her hostile ranting with poisonous intent, I sensed her desperation and pain more in what she didn
’t say. Compassion filled my chest, though my limbs still trembled from the stress of knowing she hated me so much and had told so many people what I’d done. But she was right. She’d been innocent.

James had also.

Technically my husband had refused to make love to me, but the choice to stray had been mine. In that respect he’d been innocent. He’d had no clue that I would turn to another for sex. Neither had I.

And though I knew I didn
’t deserve forgiveness, God’s grace was greater than all my sin. “I know you don’t believe me, but I
will
be praying for you.”

“
I don’t want your prayers. Besides, what good would that do? God can’t be listening to you. Not when you screwed
my
husband over and over again. Isn’t that breaking one of the Ten Commandments? Isn’t that something that sends you straight to hell?”

“
Yes, it’s one of the Ten Commandments, but He came to forgive all sins, yours and mine, past and present. I’ve repented and turned from my sin. I can’t fix what’s already done, but I can start over. Start fresh. I’m no longer condemned for what I did.”

“
That’s a bunch of crap. God can’t forgive you. Not after what you did. That’s impossible.” Her voice shook as her rage now turned to sorrow. I sensed she barely held back tears.

“
But He can, and He did. I was tempted to believe that at first, too, but then I read the Scripture about the women caught in adultery. He said He didn’t condemn her. He told her to go and sin no more. That’s all I can do…is to be faithful now. To tell the truth. I repented, and while I have to live with the consequences, I’m learning to forgive myself. I know you don’t understand—”

“
Darned straight I don’t. I can’t believe I even called you. You can just burn in hell!”

Click.

She’d disconnected the call before I had a chance to help her see that I meant what I’d said. Hanging my head in shame, I sensed the guilt returning. And I’d thought it was gone for good. It was like a tiny demon had whispered in my ear, “She’s right. You’re deluded if you think God will forgive you when you knew what you were doing was wrong and you did it anyway. The women caught in adultery wasn’t a Christian.
But you were. You were. You were
.”

“
Stop it!” I yelled into the darkness, my chest heaving. I returned the phone to its cradle and flopped on the bed. Just when I thought I’d resolved an inner conflict another one popped to the surface. I hated that I couldn’t get past what I’d done, or when I thought I had, the enemy came back and smeared my sin in my face.

I knew the S
criptures said that as far as the east was from the west so would my sins be when I confessed them to the Lord. So why did it seem like my old sinful state clung to me like unwanted sweat, and no matter how many times I scrubbed it off, the stench continued to return? I needed to pray…

Lord, I know You
’ve forgiven me, but sometimes I still doubt that. It seems too wonderful to be true. I can’t fathom why You want to love me, but I’m so glad you do. Please show Tony’s wife that You are still God and You love her. Please don’t allow my sin be a barrier to her salvation. Or Tony’s. Heal their family, Lord. Please. And heal mine, too. Amen.”

Peace settled over me like a quilt warmed by the fire. I closed my eyes and hoped for another chance to witness to Tony
’s wife. I knew the desire had to come from God because my reaction in the flesh would be to argue back and blame her, too. But no more. I had to own the new me, the me that had repented and turned from my sin. God was with me, so who could stand against me, right?

The phone rang and I jolted upright. Hesitant, yet hopeful that I had a second chance to witness to Tony
’s wife, I slipped my feet to the floor and snatched the phone, fully intending to share God’s love with her. “I’m so glad you called back.”

“
You are?” The voice of my husband’s ex-wife, the one who’d sent him the picture of herself in the buff, greeted me warily.

My stomach cramped. I really needed to start checking the caller ID box.
“Uh…”

“
Wow, and I thought you’d be bitter. I’m…well, I don’t know what to say.”

Me either.

Chapter 28

“
…I thought you were someone else.”

I sat on the edge of my bed and ran my fingers through my bangs.

“Who? James?” Her tone sounded more curious than sarcastic.

Don
’t ask me why I told her the truth, but I did. “No, the wife of the man I was having an affair with, actually. I know it sounds crazy, but—“

“
Hold on a second. You were glad she called back?”

It probably wouldn
’t make sense to her even if I tried to explain, but I did anyway. “She had called earlier and accused me of ruining her life. I tried to tell her I was sorry and told her that I was praying for her and she got all upset and hung up. I’d thought when the phone rang that God was giving me one more chance to make things right with her. I know, it sounds pretty crazy.”

“
I won’t argue with you there. So why aren’t you still angry with me? I thought you hated me.”

“
I’m trying to forgive everyone. It seems the hardest person to forgive is myself.”

“
I know what you mean…” She was silent for what seemed like minutes, then asked in a hushed tone, “Will you forgive me for contacting James…and for tempting him with that picture?”

My flesh wanted me to refuse, but my heart knew her request was sincere.
“Yes. I can do that. Thank you for asking.”

“
No problem.” She giggled. “I was just calling James back because I hadn’t heard from him since the time he’d called me drunk. I just wanted to let him know that I’m now engaged to this great guy. At any rate, you have nothing to worry about.”

The tension eased from my shoulders and neck. That was good news indeed.
“I’ll pass the message on to him. Thanks for letting me know.”

“
Sure. And I’d say talk to you later, but that doesn’t make sense now, does it? So I’ll just wish you two the best. I really do. And thanks for not hating me.”

“
No problem. Um, Bye.”

“
Bye.” Click.

Baffled by my openness with this women I barely knew, I marveled at how God had used it to help clear the air between us. That was one less person to hold a grudge against. And she was getting married, too. Could there be any better news?

Other than James longing to make passionate love to me, I couldn’t think of a thing.

The phone rang. This time I checked the caller ID box.
James
.

“
Hi.” Licking my lips, I closed my eyes and tried to still my racing heart.

“
Hey, Hope. I… I just wanted to hear your voice. To know that you’re still there.”

“
I am. Thanks for calling. By the way, your ex, Charlotte, called the house.”

He groaned.
“Did you talk to her? I kept refusing her calls on my cell phone. I’m trying to do the right thing and stay out of contact with her.”

“
Oh… Well, she told me she’s getting married and wanted me to let you know. At least that’s what she said.”

“
That’s a relief. I didn’t want to be tempted by talking to her, you know?”

I suppose it was similar to the temptation I felt when Tony contacted me. But that implied he had desire for her. What about me? Did I excite him as much as his ex had?

He must’ve realized his error because he implored, “I meant in my mind, Hope. You know I love you and I don’t have feelings for her anymore. It’s just…your mind can take you places you don’t want to be. Know what I mean?”

“
Yeah, I do. I’m just glad she’s happy and no longer interested in you.”

My husband chuckled.
“Yeah, me too.”

“
Really?” I swallowed. Hard. “But I thought…”

“
What? That I’d take her back? I won’t say I didn’t consider it when I was angry with you, but I’m past that now.”

“
Really?” Blinking back tears, I wondered why.

James laughed.
“Why don’t you believe me? I told you when I married you that you were the first woman I ever truly loved. I wasn’t just saying that to woo you. I meant it.”

“
You…you didn’t love Charlotte?”

“
I did in my own way. But I didn’t know Christ then. Not like when I met you.” His voice broke. “I can’t lose you, Hope. If I did, then I might as well not go on living. I can’t see any joy in my life without you in it. I can do nothing without you, Hope. We’re one flesh.”

“
But why? Why don’t you hate me? I don’t understand. I think I’d have trouble getting past it if you cheated on me.”

“
Oh, I’m not saying I don’t struggle in my mind with images of you with…” he coughed, “with
him
.”

“
I know. I’m sorry. I really am.”

“
I believe you, Hope. But tell me, was he a…was he you know…was he better than me?” His tense voice told me this was really anxiety producing for him. I knew he would sense if I didn’t tell him the whole truth, so I weighed my words carefully.

“
No one makes me feel like you do, James. All you have to do is look at me, or touch my arm, and I get excited. It wasn’t like that with…him.”

I sensed the tears in his voice.
“So why’d you go back? Why’d you keep seeing him…that way?”

“
Because…gosh, this sounds wrong, but…it was because he seemed to want me, James. I knew you were upset that we couldn’t…do it. I….well, I knew he could and I just thought it would take the pressure off you and help me, too, and it ended up messing up my life and I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry.” I exhaled, emotionally spent from the truth in my disclosure. I prayed he’d understand.

He was silent for several minutes. I didn
’t know if it was from anger, or pain, or frustration, so I waited it out, sobbing as quietly as I could while I waited for him to say something. Anything.

The more time that passed, the more distressed I felt. Though only minutes, it seemed like hours of silence that I
’d endured. I finally asked, “You still there.”

“
Yes. I was just praying.”

“
You were? About what?”

“
That I will have some peace. That I can forgive him for doing what he did with you. I can’t think of anything worse a man can do to another man than sleeping with his wife. He must’ve known you were vulnerable, and like a snake he struck when he saw that you were in a weak place.”

“
It wasn’t all him. I had my part in it.”

“
But I know you, Hope. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. Men see how sensual you are. I notice that when we’re together. How men look at you. It never bothered me before because I was proud that you chose me. Now I’ll always wonder who the next guy could be. If there will be someone else.”

“
Oh, James, that’s not gonna happen. I swear it. This situation was different. We were just friends. I met him on an airplane. I found out he was moving out of town so I knew it wouldn’t last. Guys have always made passes at me. I just never considered it before. We were always happy until last year. I started feeling like you didn’t find me attractive anymore. And Tony did. I’m—”

“
So that’s his name? Tony?” My husband’s voice sounded gruff.

“
Yeah. You’ve never met him. His wife is moving to Michigan. I’m pretty sure he’s going with her…soon. I don’t think we’ll run into him anywhere. At least I hope not.”

“
I’ve been praying a lot lately. While what happened tore me up, in some ways it helped me. It was like a wake-up call that helped me snap out of the funk I was in. I had drifted away from the Lord, and I’d asked Him to revive my heart. Well, He did, honey. I feel like a new man.”

“
That’s great—”

“
Let me finish, okay? I know deep in my heart that I’m supposed to love you and forgive you and not look back at the past. The Lord clearly impressed that on my heart. I told Him I’d do it. I will choose to love you. More than ever. Please know that it will be different this time. No alcohol in the house. No excessive television viewing and skipping church. We’ll even go to counseling.”

If the phone had had a twisty cord
, I’d have wrapped it around my finger as I listened to what he said. The Lord had worked a miracle in my husband’s heart and it left me breathless. “I…I don’t know what to say.”

“
Say you’ll commit your heart to our marriage, and we’ll work things through together. Tell me you want to give us a chance again. Assure me that you haven’t given up hope for our family, for us.”

“
I want to. I’m scared, though.” I blinked back tears.

“
Of what?”

“
What if things don’t get better for us…sexually? I want to trust myself, but if you keep pushing me away like you did before…I don’t know that my mind won’t start thinking the wrong thing. You know?”

I heard the laughter and relief in my husband
’s response. “Is that all?”

It seemed pretty big to me, and not funny at all.

My husband lowered his voice in a conspiratorial whisper, “Well, I hope you’ll soon find out that my ability to please you is no longer going to be an issue. Having that heart attack actually saved me. They found out what was causing my impotence and now it’s gone. The blockage and the high blood pressure had restricted my blood flow there.”

Fire heated me from head to toe when I considered that we could once again have our healthy sex life to enjoy. Yet, it seemed too good to be true. I really wanted to believe him, but would he really want to do that with me? Could he make love to me without thinking about my past sin? Could I do that if I were
James? Was it even possible?

“
H…how do you know?”

“
Let’s just say that hearing your sexy voice perked me right up.” His laughter had a sensual edge to it—like he wore a wicked smile.

A tingle worked its way down
my spine and heated me from within. My husband hadn’t gotten excited from just hearing my voice since Jimmy was born. I yearned to know what it would be like to be intimate with my husband again, and it felt right, and natural to long for him.

“Did you hear me, hon? The plumbing works just fine now.” His voice lowered further, so much I could barely hear him. “My body is longing to be with you, hon, but I know we need to take it slow. Give our hearts time to heal.”

“
I know…”
But I don’t think it’ll be easy for me to wait
.

“
I feel like I’m a teenager all over again. And now that I’m not struggling with my…manhood issues…I can’t wait to show you how I feel about you, Babe. What I’ve longed to do with you for the past year, and even longer. But the doctor warned me to take it slow.”

Closing my eyes, I imagined the early days in our marriage and excitement coursed through me. Maybe his heart had been bad for years and that
’s all that had been wrong with him…with us. If he was fully recovered, then there was nothing stopping us from enjoying our marriage like we’d done on our honeymoon.

Now I found it ironic that we
’d waited to have sex until we were married, especially given my lack of control this past year. But if we could do it before, maybe we could wait again, at least until the timing was right.

“
Thank you, James.”

“
For what?” He seemed genuinely surprised.

“
For giving me…giving us another chance.”

“
Of course. Why wouldn’t I? With God now in charge of my life again, I can’t imagine anything less than complete forgiveness.”

Me either, but we were just talking on the phone. When it came down to putting his actions behind his words
, I wondered if James could do it. But I shook off the thought. I’d take things one day at a time.

Anything more than that would make me crazy.