Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (24 page)

Chapter 25

The next few days flew by like a winter breeze, leaving me cold. I was alone again.

My sister had returned to her home and her career. Jimmy and I sat by the fire and watched the latest animated DVD
—just released—that my sister had bought him.

While the movie was cute, my mind lingered elsewhere. On James. Wondering why he hadn
’t called yet. Not even to talk to Jimmy. My son tried to act like it didn’t bother him, but I knew it did. In fact, yesterday morning I heard him praying with my sister before breakfast. I hung back and waited until they finished.

Then Jimmy and I helped load her bags into the cab and we hugged her goodbye. I would miss her a lot, but part of me was glad to see her go because I needed time to myself to pray for James and wait on the Lord. I was always better at focusing on
God after our company went home.

After the movie ended
, Jimmy and I decided on a veggie pizza for supper. I agreed to chase it down at the local pizzeria before it got too dark. Jimmy said he would stay home and fold the clothes when the dryer turned off. In fact, he’d volunteered to help me with most of the household chores today. I wondered if that was how he coped with my sister leaving.

Stay busy. Don
’t think about the pain, the sense of loss.

That
’s how I tended to cope, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d picked up on that as well. But maybe he wanted to make sure I stayed pleased with him. I would hope that he knew I’d love him no matter what, but if I were Jimmy I’d probably feel a bit insecure right now and would be willing to do just about anything to please my parents, too.

Poor kid. He
’d had to grow up in so many ways over the past few months.

As I pulled into the parking lot of the pizza shop
, I noticed the van from the local treatment center pulling onto the road. My thoughts drifted quickly to Tony.

I wondered if he
’d finally moved to Michigan but was afraid to drive by his house. What if his plans had fallen through, and he wasn’t moving after all? I’d die if he stuck around. It would be too hard.
Please, God, let him be gone
.

So after I paid for the pizza I detoured to the treatment center on the way home. My heart stopped beating
—or at least that’s what it felt like—when I drove by and saw Tony’s black truck parked on the side of the road. Why was he still here?

With a groan I pulled into the neighbor
’s driveway and turned around as fast as I could. But someone had pulled the curtains to the side and peered through the window. I could see the head of someone that looked a lot like Tony, but I refused to look back or stare. I did NOT want him to see me.

Hands trembling, I clutched the steering wheel and decided I had to know if his house had sold. The temptation was too great. Not because I wanted to get involved with Tony again, but because I needed to know if he would soon be gone. I had to know for the sake of my sanity.

Like a mad woman I drove. A niggling sensation in my stomach told me to avoid his street and just drive home, but I ignored it. Instead, I exceeded the speed limit until I arrived at his street. Sucking in a shaky breath, I turned on to the dirt road. I would only get close enough to see if the sign said SOLD or For Sale.

With a  groan, I noted the status of his move.
Sale Pending
could mean just about anything. He could be living here a few more weeks until the sale closed. Or he might still move as planned. But that was days ago that he should’ve left, because I remembered when he’d said he was scheduled to begin his new job. So why no moving van in his driveway? Had his job also fallen through?

Tears filled my eyes when I realized this drama in my life might be far from over. Could I ever relax knowing that anywhere I went in town I could run into his wife, or worse, him?

Rubbing the tears from my eyes, I made a three point turn and almost backed into Tony’s wife’s car. I hadn’t seen her coming. Fear made my limbs stiffen. My eyes grew wide when she stepped out of her vehicle and rushed toward me. I barreled down the road and swerved around her parked car.

Why hadn
’t I listened to the tiny voice that had told me to stay away? Since Tony knew where I lived, this latest stupid move on my part could wreak havoc on my family.

I could only pray that he wouldn
’t reveal my address to his wife. The last I knew he’d lied to her and said he’d never been to my house. I could only hope that wouldn’t change, especially now that she’d seen me. Then I remembered the note left on my door and wondered if she’d been with him when he dropped it off. She could have lied when she told me he said he didn’t know my address. What was I going to do now?

Mentally kicking myself as I drove home, I hesitated when my cell phone rang.

The number on my cell phone was blocked so it could be anybody.

Flipping my phone open, I swallowed hard.
“Hello?”

“
You bitch! Stay away from my husband!”

“
But I—”

The line went dead.  I pulled into my driveway and stared at the phone, my heart heavy, and my throat tight with guilt. What had I done? Now his wife thought I was after him again and I couldn
’t call back to reassure her that I just wanted peace of mind. I wanted them to move away so I could heal. But I had no way to make that happen, or  even call back, and it made me sweat the rest of the night.

I could barely eat my pizza. Jimmy kept looking at me like he wanted to say something, but he never did.

“Night, Mom. I had fun. Thanks.” My son kissed my cheek, then sauntered off to bed.

Fear of getting another call had dominated my thoughts
, so I’d turned off my cell phone and unplugged my landline the moment I’d gotten home.

After undressing, I climbed into bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering when I
’d hear from James again, and if I did, what I’d say to him. It was too late for him to call tonight, but maybe tomorrow after church I’d turn the phones back on and see if James would contact us then.

Pl
ease Lord, if not for me, have James at least call for Jimmy.

When sleep refused to come, I got out of bed and turned on my computer. Maybe playing a few games would help me relax, or reading my e-mail, which by now had probably stacked up to overflowing.

Scanning through my e-mails, I eliminated the junk mail first. Several unfamiliar names showed up on the list and I deleted them as well. No way was I taking a chance on getting a virus. Not when I needed my computer for work so I could pay the bills.

Our pastor had sent me an e-mail, so I opened it.

Hope to see you Sunday. Just wanted to pass you a message. Don’t give up on James. He said he’ll call you when he’s ready. Just give him time. That’s all he’s asking for right now. He wanted to write you and  tell you this  himself, but I told him I couldn’t give out your new e-mail address without your permission. Please write him back when you can.

Pastor

Wondering what I would say, I decided to save that message and write to James after I returned from church the next morning. That would give me time to pray about it and even talk to the pastor before I contacted James.

My eyelids grew heavy as I finished the other e-mails. When my eyes started crossing, I turned it off and climbed back in bed.

*****

As I readied for church
the next morning, I thought about all that had happened in just a few months' time. Stepping out of the shower, I dried my hair with a towel and then my body. I couldn’t help peering at myself in the mirror. James had always loved the natural color of my straight brown hair with its lustrous sheen, but he’d really enjoy the looks of the new me. I must’ve lost ten pounds in the last month alone. My body didn’t resemble a supermodel like his ex’s did, but I still had a nice shape. And this time with plenty of curves and little excess fat.

Resting my foot on our garden tub, I trimmed my toenails.

The phone rang and the sudden, jarring noise startled me. I said without thinking, “Jimmy, can you get that?”

I finished trimming my nails and put the clippers away. Then I thought about who could be calling. Fear seized my chest when I realized I hadn
’t turned the phones back on yet, or had I? No, I was pretty sure I hadn’t. Jimmy must’ve noticed that the phone was unplugged and decided to fix it.

Wrapping the towel on my head like a turban, I grabbed a larger towel to cover the rest of me. My hands shook as I opened the bathroom door.

Somehow I needed to get the phone before Jimmy did! I shuddered when I thought about all that could go wrong. What if it was Tony calling, or his wife?

Our phone stopped ringing as suddenly as it started.
Jimmy!

The sound of a shriek made the hair on my arms bristle.

Chapter
26

“Mom, Dad’s on the phone! He wants to see us. Can he?” Jimmy raced into the bedroom whooping for joy, his face beaming. He acted more like a five-year-old than his true age of eleven years going on twelve.

I admired Jimmy
’s ability to look past what his father had done. What he’d said to both of us.

He obviously missed his dad.  How could I deny him that simple pleasure?

“Sure. We’ll meet him wherever he wants.” Tears filled my eyes as I watched Jimmy jump up and down.

“
She said we’ll eat wherever you want, dad! The park? …Isn’t it kind of cold for a picnic? Oh, okay….we’ll talk first, then eat… All right…. See you soon…. I love you, too, Daddy.”

Jimmy ran into the room, still clutching the phone, his mouth wide open. He hesitated when he saw my tears and tipped his face toward me.
“You upset, Mom?”

I shrugged. Not sure how to explain my feelings, but willing to try for his sake.
“I’m happy about seeing him, but a bit scared, I guess.”

His lips pressed together.
“I should’ve handed you the phone before I hung up, huh? I’m sorry. I was just so excited—.”

“
That’s okay, Jimmy. I’m not sure what I would’ve said anyway. I need to pray about this so things go smoothly. I’m worried I’ll say something wrong.” Pressing my hand against my mouth, I fought the emotion welling to the surface.

My son nodded and with a serious face he said,
“Don’t tell Dad I told you this, but he was crying, too. I think he misses us.”

The emotion I tried so hard to suppress now burst forth
, and I sobbed, “I miss him, too, Jimmy. I miss him, too.”

Jimmy set the phone on the bed and wrapped his arms around me.
“It’s okay, Mom. I think God is gonna heal our family. I’ve been praying and…” His voice broke. “And I really feel like things will get better.”

I felt his body shake as he pressed against me. I buried my face in his hair and inhaled deeply. The faint scent of shampoo and hair no longer smelled like my baby boy. Our son was growing up. With that sobering thought heavy on my mind, I squeezed him tight, not wanting to let go, but knowing I must.
“Thanks, Jimmy. I needed a hug.”

He laughed and wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands.
“Me, too. Just don’t tell anyone you saw me crying like this, okay?”

With a smirk, I reassured him as I ruffled his hair.
“Your secret is safe with me.”

*****

I had trouble focusing on the pastor’s sermon because Jimmy kept cuddling up against me, then looking at me and smiling. Obviously he was in the same predicament. I checked my watch. Ten more minutes and we’d be on our way to the park.

The final song pulled me from my inward thoughts. Would I really rather have Jesus than anything? Man, that question hit me hard. By song
’s end my cheeks were soaked, but my heart felt cleansed. Yes, I could agree with that song, even if it meant all I’d have for the rest of my days was my son and the Lord.

While I hoped things would patch up between us, I no longer banked my future happiness on whether or not my husband and I got back together. My husband complemented me in so many ways, but he didn
’t make me whole. Only God could truly complete me as a person.

Many of my friends caught me and hugged me as I headed for the parking lot, but no one said a word. They must
’ve known whatever had touched my heart was a private matter between me and God and asking about it would just send me into another torrential rain of tears. Thankfully they had mercy on me.

I sensed James’s presence before I saw him. Don’t ask how that happened because I can’t explain it myself. I just know my heartbeat quickened as I parked my SUV.

James stood under a tree, leaning one thick arm against the trunk, and looking incredibly handsome like that actor Matthew McConaughey
…but with slightly darker hair and much less of it. The tense expression on his face suggested he was about as nervous as I was about our meeting. But his countenance lit with joy when Jimmy leaped from our vehicle and ran toward him at top speed, throwing himself into his father’s arms.

Opening the door of my SUV, I inhaled a tremulous breath of the crisp, fall air and willed myself to remain calm. Slow, deep breaths. Inhale, exhale. Slowly.
That’s right. Keep it going.
I stuffed the keys into my back pocket and clutched my hands together to keep them from shaking.

What should I say to him? I hadn
’t a clue.
Speak through me, Lord.

My throat tightened when James glanced up at me. He bent down and whispered something in Jimmy
’s ear, then swatted our son playfully on the bottom when Jimmy looked at me and chuckled. Wearing a huge grin, he turned and sprinted toward the playground.

James straightened to his full height and offered me a nervous smile.

“Hope.” He nodded and his gaze embraced me from a distance. So warm, tender.

It freaked me out.

Turning my face away, I covered my face with my hands and sobbed as I leaned against my vehicle, praying it would hold me up. I couldn’t face him. As badly as I’d hurt him, I just couldn’t face him. Maybe I wasn’t ready yet. Maybe I’d presumed too much.

Leaves crunched and I sensed my husband
’s approach.

Large hands covered mine
, and he gently removed my hands from my face. The spicy, masculine scent of my husband wreaked havoc on my senses and weakened my knees. I turned my face away, fighting against the pull of his gaze.

I didn
’t deserve his love and I knew it. Everything within me screamed with intense hurt as I let out the suppressed pain through a storm of emotion. A foreign sound, like a guttural wail, emitted from my lips, and I shook from head to toe.

“
Shh….” James pulled me against him and held me close. My stiff body collapsed, and I fell against him, sobbing harder the longer he held me. I have no idea how long we stood like that, but when I felt like I finally had no more grief to release, I peered up at my husband. My wary eyes searched his. Did he still love me after all I’d done?

Pain radiated from his gorgeous blue eyes, but I sensed love pouring from them as well, and not condemnation. I didn
’t know what the Lord had done to change my husband’s heart toward me, but gratitude washed over me as I gazed back, strengthening internally with every moment that passed. I finally managed a quiet response. “Hi.”

“
Hope, I…” James cleared his throat and looked away for a moment. I saw the shimmer in his eyes as he blinked rapidly and shoved his hands into his back pockets. “I need to apologize for what I said to you…”

Tears welled in my eyes again, though I thought I
’d had none left. “I forgive you, James, I do.”

“
Oh, thank God,” he exhaled and pulled me against him once again. Kissing my hair, he continued. “I thought I’d lost you, Babe. I’m sorry I ignored you for so long…that I set you up to find someone else.” His voice cracked.

I waited for him to continue, but he became quiet, pensive almost.

Nuzzling into his chest for several more moments, I realized how his scent comforted me. How much I’d missed him, missed us. I had never wanted to stray. Never.

“
I know, Hope. The Lord showed me that in a dream.”

Had I spoken out loud my private thoughts? Or did he just know my heart? After thirteen years of marriage
, he knew more about me than anyone else in this life. He knew my intimate pleasures, the way I liked my coffee, my heart for God. No one knew me better than James.

Sucking in a deep breath, I gently pushed away from him.
“James, we need to talk. I miss you, I really do, but I’m worried that if we get back together right now we’ll be setting ourselves up for failure. Know what I mean?”

His troubled gaze made me wonder if I
’d spoken out of fear. But then he nodded. “The Lord showed me the same thing. I didn’t want to hear it, but you’re right.”

He captured my gaze and said huskily,
“I want you back, Hope. I want us back. No more drinking, no more skipping church, no more ignoring your…” he cleared his throat, “ignoring your needs.”

My heart skipped a beat as I took in the intensity pouring from his deep blue eyes. I wanted to break free from fear, to trust him, and to swim in their depths. It was like I could see James
’s heart, and I just knew that he meant what he’d said.

And I wanted so much to believe him. To have him back. But not yet. Still, I needed to let him know that I
’d never meant to hurt him, to stray. I opened my mouth, then closed it again.

“
What is it, Hope?” His warm expression helped me to release my thoughts.

“
I never wanted someone else. I just wanted you…” Crumpling into tears again, I pressed my forehead against his neck. “I just wanted you.”

He inhaled deeply and let it out.
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”

Tipping my face up, I invited a reassuring kiss, but James didn
’t offer one.

“
Thanks for coming to meet me here. I’m not hungry now, but I can still get you guys something to eat if you’d like.”

I shook my head to eradicate my disappointment, though unsuccessfully. Then again, what did I expect? I
’d slept with another man—multiple times. It would take some time for my husband to learn to trust me again. But I could tell from the look in his eyes that he no longer hated me for what I’d done. Maybe there
was
hope for us.

“
Let’s ask Jimmy and just do whatever he suggests. Okay?” I pulled my mouth into a grin and tried to look cheerful to reassure both James and our son that I’d be all right.

James waved at Jimmy and gestured for him to join us.

Our son walked briskly toward us, smiling wide. I wondered what he thought about us. If he expected his dad to move back in right away. How would I break it to him that things just don’t happen that way?

When Jimmy stepped toward us
, James placed his arm around my waist and stood next to me. Facing our child, James spoke first. “Thanks for giving us some time alone, Son.”

“
Sure.” Jimmy glanced at my face, then back at his father, then at my face again as he settled there. His smile fell. “You aren’t coming home, are you Dad?”

James cleared his throat and I could swear his voice sounded a bit thick.
“Not yet, Son. We need to give it some time. Can you help us by letting God work things out between your mom and I, and by not pushing us?”

Our son nodded, albeit warily.

I reached for Jimmy’s hand and held it. “We’re going to take things slow so it works out this time. Please pray for us.”

Jimmy swallowed hard and blinked several times.
“Can I still see you, Dad?”

“
Sure. In fact, I thought maybe I’d come take you four-wheeling with me next weekend. Sound good?”

With a heavy sig
h, Jimmy answered. “Yeah. That’d be great, Dad.”

James stepped away from me and paused.
“Still want lunch?”

“
Nah.” Jimmy shook his head and looked away.

I shrugged.
“Guess none of us are hungry after all.”

Peering at me with concern, James touched my chin.
“So, I’ll call you later?”

Staring up at him, I nodded.

My husband tipped my chin up and gave me a quick peck on the forehead, then grabbed Jimmy for a brief hug. Without another word, he marched toward his car, head down, and climbed inside.

Jimmy and I watched
as James pulled out of the parking lot and drove toward the road. I couldn’t help marveling at the wonder of our exchange, until fear squeezed my throat, choking me. What if love wasn’t enough this time around? Would I be strong enough to commit myself to our marriage if James could no longer make love to me?

Not sure I wanted to search that deep inside, I shrugged off the thought.

“Come on, let’s go.” I nodded toward the SUV, humbled by my own doubts, yet longing for something to cling to. Something to believe in.

I
’m here, Daughter,
came that still, small voice.
I’ve always been here.