New Title 4 (2 page)

Phil left Caleb and Gloria to bask in whatever sexual tension they were building outside and led Lucas back into the OneStop Mart. The pasty twentyyear old was still sniveling about his pants, so Phil figured there would probably be no more trying to explain all this to the kid until they covered up his backside.

Are you sure I can t just go home quickly and get another pair of pants? Lucas asked. It wouldn t take more than half an hour, I swear.

If we let you leave you probably won t be coming back. You and I need to have a talk about what just happened. But we have something in back to take care of your pants problem for now. We gotta make this quick, though. With that thing not trying to eat them, the customers will probably start showing up again any minute.

The inside of the OneStop was typical of all OneStop stores throughout the country. Near the front door was the counter with two registers and an office and a back storage room behind it. The aisles contained all the normal junk food one would expect from such a place, and the cooler with all the cold beverages and such on the other side of the store. At first glance nothing about the store seemed particularly unusual. It had to be average, since most of the people, including some employees, who came here during the day were completely unaware of what happened around the store at night. Here and there, though, if someone knew where to look, evidence could be seen that this place wasn t quite right.

Phil led Lucas around the counter and into the back room. There were sinks next to the bathroom, and the syrup boxes and CO2 container that led to the fountain drinks sat next to the mop sink. The problem with the mop sink, however, was that it was cracked down the middle and a gaping hole led down to an abyss in the earth. The crack was an unfortunate side effect of a customer s ill-fated attempt to raise the elder god Cthulhu before Phil had even started working here, and the manager still hadn t figured out how to fix it. How the manager explained the hole s existence to some of the day crew, Phil didn t know.

On the other side of the room there was a desk where the employees would sit during their lunch or cigarette breaks along with the computer they used for placing product orders. Next to the desk were two doors, one leading back out behind the counter and the other leading to the manager s office, but that one was never opened during the night shift. The manager, Big Maggie, didn t come in until the morning, always after sunrise no matter how late that might be during the winter. She may have known about what happened here after sundown, but that didn t mean she wanted anything to do with it. Next to the manager s office was a long and thin storage area where they kept extra products that didn t quite fit on the shelves yet. The day people were usually too busy during the day to worry about stocking the shelves, so they rarely came back here. It was a good thing, since this was the only place where the night crew could keep their emergency supplies. Leading Lucas to the very back of the supply area, Phil pushed aside a stack of older smocks to reveal several cardboard cartons. He shoved away two boxes, one marked in magic marker with the words

In case of Radioactive Mutants and another marked Just Say No to Mermaids. Finally he pulled out one marked Emergency Fire-Breathing Monster Kit. Lucas looked at the box with wide eyes.

Often enough that I wouldn t actually call it weird, Phil said.
Seriously? You don t think a giant bat-winged fire-breathing armadillo is weird?
Not really.
Then what would you consider weird?
Phil thought about that for a second. A giant bat-winged fire-breathing armadillo dressed as Elvis. With tentacles. And maybe a leotard. He opened the box s flaps and showed Lucas the contents. There was a fire extinguisher, several tubes of burn ointment, an empty urn, and a pair of jeans. The jeans were slightly moldy and smelled vaguely like salt. Phil pulled the jeans out and handed them to Lucas.
Here, Phil said. They re a little stretched out, but it looks like your belt wasn t damaged so you can just use that. I wasn t here for it, but Caleb says the last guy who wore them was turned into a giant slug. There might still be some slime in them, so you should probably wipe it down with some paper towel first.
Ew, Lucas said. He stared at the jeans for a second, then tried to look back at the missing seat of his pants. Going over to the sinks he pulled some paper towel from the dispenser. Mind giving me some privacy for a minute?
Not a problem, Phil said. I should probably call in the police to haul away that stupid thing s carcass, anyway. He went out the door to the counter area and grabbed the phone from its place next to the lottery ticket display.
Yeah, right, Lucas said from the back room. I highly doubt the police will be able to do anything with it.
Not the normal police. There s a special division that just patrols the Hill. They re slow as hell, but it ll be gone before sunrise.
But I don t get it. This kind of stuff only happens on the Hill?
Probably a whole bunch of places all over the world, but in this city? Yeah, just the Hill.
And there s all sorts of things out there? Not just uh, whatever the hell that thing was?
Sure. Werewolves, vampires. Whatever. Never know what ll walk through the doors. Had a customer once that I could have sworn was Red Riding Hood, but she was too screwed up on Ecstasy for me to ask her for certain.
Lucas didn t say anything, and Phil took that moment to call in the dead armadillo. All he got was a machine, but he knew the monster would be taken care of. The mundies, the mundane daylight people, were able to sleep well thinking that these kind of things never actually happened, and there were more than enough people devoted to helping them sleep in peace. That peace would be destroyed if these kind of things were left for the mundies to see. Phil had been a mundy once. Most of the human nighttime dwellers of the Hill had. He even wished sometimes that he was still one of them. It scared him, having to live like this. Of course, if he had never gotten this job he would have never met his girlfriend, and even though she was from a completely different background from him she was the best thing going for him. Being in the know sometimes had its perks. When Phil put the receiver back down, Lucas once again spoke from the back. Already he sounded much calmer. In Phil s experience, that could sometimes be a bad sign. The natural human reaction would have been to freak out a little more, try to deny that anything he d seen so far was real. The ones who took it too much in stride at first tended to be the ones who cracked the widest.
Okay, fine, Lucas said. All this shit is really for real. What I don t get is how? How is any of this possible?
Phil shrugged. I don t know. Someone- a clown demon, actually- once tried to tell me that the Hill is built on an ancient Native American burial ground. Somebody else insisted that this is the place where the final battle between good and evil is supposed to take place, which is why me and Caleb have to keep stopping apocalypses.
Whoa, wait. Apocalypses as in
the
Apocalypse?
No, apocalypses with a small
a
, not a capital
A.
They re actually more common than you think. But I don t really buy any of those reasons. Personally, I just think that all the beasties just need a place where they can be themselves, go hang out in bars, score some drugs, buy some Slim Jims.
Monsters eat Slim Jims?
Phil thought for a moment about the night he met his girlfriend, and then smiled. Oh yeah. They re really not that much different than us. He heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Lucas come out of the back room. Are you sure I can t just go home, just quickly? These things are really disgusting.
You ll stay your entire shift, Phil said. And if you decide to quit after tonight you need to let us know before you leave tonight so the manager can hire someone else right away. You planning on staying?
I don t know. You have to admit this is lot to deal with. I bet a lot of people quit after their first night, huh?
Not as many as you think. I guess it s kind of like Lawrence Fishburne said in
The Matrix.
Once people find the rabbit hole, they want to see how deep it really goes.
Through the front door Phil could see someone approaching the store. Tonight s apocalypse had been averted, so everyone would figure now that it was safe to go out and get their snacks and smokes. Lucas saw the customer coming and raised an eyebrow at Phil. Aren t you going to lock the doors or something?
Why the fuck would I do that?
Well, we just stopped a a thing. You can t really consider keeping the store open after that, can you?
Of course you can. The world doesn t stop turning just because it almost ended. Now you should get to work on putting out those magazines I started to show you earlier.
What about Caleb? Shouldn t he be in here doing something, too?
Never you mind him. He ll be in after he s done talking to Gloria.
What s the deal with those two, anyway?
I doubt that even they know.
Chapter 3

Both Caleb and Gloria were quiet for several seconds after Phil and Lucas went back in. Caleb didn t know where this awkwardness always came from on the few occasions that Gloria came around. They certainly hadn t been awkward when they d worked together. They hadn t been co-workers for very long, certainly nowhere near as long as Caleb had been working with Phil, but they hadn t been shy when trading snarky comments. On the last night they had worked together, however, Caleb had hinted that he liked her, although maybe not in the most appropriate manner. She d quit soon after and had gone back to her day job as a stripper, yet she still moonlighted as a monster hunter on the Hill. She wasn t even the only beastie hunter/stripper, although as far a Caleb was concerned she was the only one who made a difference.

So what s new, Butcher? she finally said. You know I hate it when people call me that. No you don t. I know you well enough. You

get off on it. Don t complain. At least the beasties know you by a cool code name. How many other convenience store clerks out there actually have a code name?

Caleb cocked a thumb in the direction of the store. At least two. They re starting to call Phil the Necrophile and I m sure that with a little help I can get people to start calling Lucas as Happy Mister Tinklepants.

They ve always dropped like flies. But it s getting better. Turnover rate on the graveyard shift is down to forty percent, and the death rate is finally down below fifteen percent.

Ah, Gloria said, and as she nodded another awkward silence began. They both stood there for a few seconds, watching the body of the armadillo as it continued to bleed out. Caleb was going to have to hose down the parking lot once the carcass was hauled away. Yet another damned thing he had to do before the shift was over. A customer approached from across the street, paying Caleb and Gloria no mind as she headed for the door, and although she wrinkled her nose at the lighter fluid smell the thing was giving off she didn t give the armadillo much notice either.

Sooo , Caleb said. Whatcha doing around here? A bit out of your way these days, isn t it? I heard you were doing your little monster killer hobby down closer to Leechman Park.

It is, and I do. But some necromancer I was giving a lap dance today mentioned something about a prophecy coming to pass over here tonight, and I thought you might need the help. She paused, bit her lip for a second like she wasn t sure if she wanted to continue speaking, then gestured at the curb in front of the nearest parking space. And I guess there was something else, too. Want to sit down?

Caleb joined her on the curb, and Gloria stopped to pull out and light a cigarette before continuing. I guess I ve been thinking a lot lately.

Caleb s first reaction was to spout some clever quip, but as difficult as it was to restrain himself he sensed that this might not be the moment. Something about the tone of Gloria s voice called for a moment of seriousness. That only made Caleb want to say something humorous even more just to make the tension go away, but he restrained himself.

I ve seen my share of funky shit here on the Hill. You ve probably seen a lot more. I know we used to argue about my attitude towards it all when I worked here, but you were mostly right about it. I thought this was all fun, didn t take most of it seriously. Especially since most of the things around here that are supposed to be so evil are just stupid.

But, what? Caleb said. You ve changed your mind about all this?
Well, don t go thinking that I don t still believe this is fun. I mean, come on. I slay monsters on my time off. You even get paid to do it.
Pshh. Sure, but I don t get paid well. And technically I just get paid to make sure the store runs smoothly. Sometimes that means kicking drunks out of the store, sometimes it means keeping it from getting sucked into the seventeenth dimension.
My point is, we are kind of living some people s fantasies here. And yes, before you say anything, I know most people don t fantasize about the stripping and cashier parts. The rest of it, though, is pretty amazing. But once in a while, don t you ever go home at the end of your shift and cry? Caleb didn t say anything.
You know, like on a night where you really did come just this close to buying it. Nights where it s not just a cool fantasy anymore.
Caleb sighed. I know where you re going with this. You re saying that you re quitting. Not just the OneStop this time, but the whole thing.
Actually, I m not. You re getting ahead of me. I ve met people on the Hill, many of whom aren t even technically people. Some of them I ve hated, some I liked. But many of them just aren t here any more. The world on the Hill can kill sometimes, even if you re already technically dead. And seeing all that I guess it s just made me think about the past, things I ve wanted to do differently. Decisions I made that I might want to take back and try again. Like on my last day here at the OneStop.
You re saying you want your job back? Gloria flicked her cigarette at the armadillo and rolled her eyes. You can be so goddamned dense. Sometimes I m not quite sure what I see in you.
What you see oh. Caleb s eyes went wide. Are you saying
I m not saying anything. I m just asking a casual question to see where it goes. And that question is what are you doing tomorrow night? Caleb blinked at her several times, looking for any sign that this was a joke. Her face didn t twitch like she was trying to hold back a smile or laugh, and despite the nervous happiness that most people would have when asking such a question Gloria actually looked solemn.
Nothing, Caleb said slowly. I have off tomorrow night.
Then you wanna go out?
Despite Gloria s solemn demeanor Caleb couldn t help grinning. Absolutely. What do you want to do?
Let s not make any actual plans. On a place like the Hill, plans can get mucked up pretty fast anyway.
Yeah, sure. We ll find something to do.
Great, Gloria said. How about we meet here just after sunset?
Yeah, sounds like a plan. It sounded like the greatest plan in the history of humankind, in fact, but Caleb didn t want to actually say that. He stood up. I really should get back inside. He gestured at a small group of people approaching the store. Two of them looked human and one was pasty with sharp looking teeth. The fourth seemed to be some sort of giant gecko. Looks like we re about to get a rush.
Sure, Gloria said. She stood up as well and started to walk away. See you tomorrow night, then.
Caleb watched her for a few seconds before calling out after her. Hey, just a second. I m just curious. Just what is it that you do see in me, anyway?
Gloria stopped walking for a moment, pointing to the armadillo as she answered but not looking back at him. I see someone who just fought a giant killer armadillo and survived with minimal help. She started walking away again, and Caleb almost missed what she said next. I see someone who might not go dying on me this time.
There really wasn t any way for Caleb to respond to that, so he just went back inside.