Night Road (15 page)

She saw it in his face, a steely determination that fit uncomfortably on his handsome features, like a boy stepping into his dad’s oversized shoes and pretending they fit. “You ready to do this?” he asked, coming around to her side of the car.

“No.”

He gave her a confident smile. “It’ll be cool. You’ll see. Come on.”

She let him take her hand and lead her into the house.

Miles and Jude lay engtangled on the sofa, each reading a book. Mia lay stretched out on the sectional’s other end, watching TV. In a pink terrycloth hoodie, baggy gray sweats, and rhinestoned flip-flops, she looked like a little girl playing dress up. It wasn’t until you saw her bloodshot eyes that you knew how wounded she still was, how fragile.

Mia got to her feet. “Hey guys,” she said, smiling a little too brightly.

Lexi’s heart ached for her best friend; she saw how hard Mia was trying to be strong. She went to her, hugged her fiercely. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Mia said. “Or I will be. You guys should stop worrying about me.”

“Mom? Dad?” Zach said, coming forward. “I need to talk to you.”

Jude looked up sharply. Lexi was reminded of one of those nature shows where the prey animal steps on a twig and the predator suddenly looks up. That was how Jude looked now—on alert. “You want to talk to us? What’s wrong?” She got up quickly, moved toward her son.

Zach took a deep breath. “I’m not going to USC. I want all three of us to go to Seattle Central CC. Mia? We could get an apartment.”

Jude froze.

“What?” Miles got to his feet. “We paid your tuition deposit. It’s nonrefundable. Damn it, Zach—”

“I never asked you to pay it,” Zach yelled back.

“You never asked us
not
to,” Miles said harshly. He stood beside Jude, who’d gone pale. “Well, I’ll tell you this, I’m not paying for any damn apartment. If you want to throw opportunity away, you can do it on your tab. See how much fun college is when you have to work full-time and pay your own bills.”

“That’s not fair,” Zach said. “You can’t—”

“Stop,” Jude hissed, holding up a hand. She looked shell-shocked, a little dazed. “I don’t understand. Talk to us, Zach.”

“Zach,” Mia said, frowning. “You won’t go to school with me?”

“I can’t leave her,” he said, looking miserable.

“And you can leave me?
Me?
” Mia said, starting to cry.

“No. I want you to come with us. I said that,” Zach answered. “Come on, Mia—”

“What choice do I have?” Mia cried, looking from Zach to Lexi. “I guess this is you being my friend, too, huh?” Then she ran for the stairs.

Zach followed his sister from the room and up the stairs.

Lexi felt Jude’s gaze on her, judging her, blaming her, and Lexi felt a rush of shame. This family had done so much for her, given her so much, and now she was to blame for this. It took all her courage to look up into Jude’s disappointed face. “Don’t be mad at me,” she whispered, wringing her hands. “Please.”

“You don’t understand what you’ve done,” Jude said. Her voice was shaky and her face was pale.

“I didn’t do anything. It’s not my fault.”

“Isn’t it?”

“I didn’t tell him to do this … to want this.”

“Think of Mia instead of Zach. Instead of yourself. You know how talented she is, and how shy. How would it be if the three of you lived together—really. How long before you and Zach started to ignore her?”

“That would never happen.”

“Really? It looks as if it just did.” Jude paused; her face seemed to soften at that. “I’m sorry. I hate to tangle you up in all of this. But if they don’t go to USC they’ll regret it, and sooner or later they’ll blame you.”

Lexi hated the truth she heard in those words.

“Talk to them,” Jude said, clutching Miles’s hand so tightly her fingers were white.

Lexi wanted to say no, at least to be uncertain about what to do, but she wasn’t. Some courses of action were obvious. She had done the wrong thing once before, risked her friendship with Mia and her place in this family. Then, as now, love and longing had blinded her. It was a mistake she refused to repeat.

She turned her back on Miles and Jude and made her way across the room—bigger suddenly, an endless sea crossing—and went up the stairs. They were in Mia’s room, standing like a pair of matched statues, staring at each other.

“Hey,” Lexi said.

They turned at the same time, wearing identical expressions.

“I wish I were stronger,” Mia said.

“You’re stronger than you think,” Lexi said, moving into the room. Zach reached out for her but she sidestepped him. “But that’s not what this is about.”

Mia started to cry. “I’ve dreamed of USC for so long.”

“You could go by yourself,” Zach said, and Lexi loved him for saying it, but she heard the crack in his voice, saw the regret already filling his gaze.

“I’d kill to go to USC,” Lexi said quietly. “I’d give
anything
.” She swallowed, looked from one face to the next, struck by how alike they were, mirror images. “You guys can’t give up everything just because I don’t have it. I won’t let you.”

She could see how hurt Zach was by her words, and how relieved. She drew in a shaky breath. Yes, he loved her. But he loved his sister, too, and he wanted to make his parents proud, and to secure his future. All of that, he could do at USC. Lexi forced a smile. “Enough of this. You two are going to USC. I’ll be rocking SCC. We’ll see each other every vacation.”

“We have a whole month at Christmas,” Mia said. At another time she might have smiled, but now she looked as broken as Lexi felt. Was this adulthood, this pruning of dreams to be practical?

“We’ll miss you,” Mia said. Zach just stood there, looking pissed and relieved and a little desperate. Cornered.

“It won’t change anything,” Lexi said, and they all knew it was a lie.

The decision had been made. There was nothing more to say.

Ten

For the next few days, Jude felt a little unsteady, adrift. A bullet had been dodged, there was no doubt about that. Lexi had somehow convinced Zach to follow through on the plans that had been made. It should have been a more than satisfactory conclusion, and it was, but like all compromises, something had been lost by everyone. There was a fissure in this house now, a resentment that was new. Jude couldn’t remember when Zach had been so angry at her. Zach, her pliable, lovable boy, had become a surly, angry teenager who slouched in his chair and mumbled his sentences. He was pissed at his sister and his mother—and maybe at Lexi, who knew?—and he wanted everyone to know it.

Jude had tried to give him space. In the days since the blowup, she’d walked carefully around him, treated him with exaggerated care, but the price to her was high. She simply couldn’t stand being on the outs with her children. Last night, she’d hardly slept at all for worrying about it. Instead she’d lain in bed, staring up at the ceiling, envisioning one conversation after another. In her imaginings, she and Zach always ended up laughing about their differences … and he rededicated himself to USC and his sister. Sometimes he even finished with,
I know how young we are, Madre, don’t worry so much, it’s cool, thanks …

Now, she stood at her bedroom window, staring out at her backyard as evening fell across the water.

Tonight was the last big high school party of the year—the grad barbeque. Truth be told, she didn’t want to let them go. There was so much unresolved between them, so many things to discuss, but she knew nothing would be solved tonight. And if she denied them this party, they’d never speak to her again. But tomorrow. Tomorrow they were going to work through all this drama and get back on track. This was their last year together; she’d be damned if they’d spend it like strangers.

“Mom?” Mia said, knocking at her bedroom door and opening it wide. “Can I talk to you?”

That was fast becoming a dangerous sentence. Jude turned, forced a smile. “Of course, honey.”

Mia looked beautiful in the bright late-afternoon light. She was dressed for the party in a pair of ragged, cutoff jeans with carefully placed holes, a tight white T-shirt, and a vintage men’s paisley vest that hung off her slim shoulders. Her hair had been drawn back from her face in a loose ponytail; several red metallic baby barrettes held the tiny wisps out of her eyes. “You look sad.”

“I’m fine.”

Mia came up beside Jude, put an arm around her waist, and leaned against her. Side by side, supported by each other, they stared out the window. “He loves her, Mom.”

“What does that—”

Mia turned, tilted her face up. “He
loves
her.”

Jude fell silent. For the first time, the words actually resonated. Love. All this time she’d minimized it, trimmed its sails because of their age. She’d told herself they were too young to understand their own lives. But it was true, their love; it might not last, but it was real.

“I’m breaking them up, making him go to school with me, and you know what the worst part is? They’ve stuck with me.”

Jude touched her daughter’s cheek, seeing the pain in Mia’s eyes. This daughter of hers was so sensitive. “Of course they have. They’ll always be there for you.”

“I need to be there for them, too. That’s the point.”

“You are.”

“I’m not going to USC, Mom. The three of us can go to community college and get an apartment.”

“Mia—”

“If you and Dad won’t pay for it, we’ll get jobs. It’s the right thing to do, Madre. You always said nothing mattered more than love and family. Did you mean it?”

“Mia, we’ve paid deposits, made commitments. It’s not this simple. You can’t just—”

The sound of footsteps in the hallway interrupted them. Zach came into the room. “There you are, Mia. It’s time to go.”

“Mom and I are talking,” Mia said.

Zach rolled his eyes. “Just tell her you’ll do what she wants. That’s the A answer for team Farraday.”

“That’s not fair, Zach,” Jude said. She felt unsettled, as if everything was unspooling around her, falling free, rolling away, and she couldn’t find anything to hold onto.

“Fair?” Zach said. “Is that what matters now? You used to say you wanted us to be happy, but that’s only true when we do what you want us to do.” He looked at Mia. “Let’s go. We have to pick up Lexi, and I don’t want to be late to the party.” On that, he turned his back on them and strode out of the room.

“Gotta go, Madre.” Mia gave Jude a last, sad smile, and followed her brother.

“Wait,” Jude called out, hurrying after her daughter, following her to the front door. Outside, she could see the Mustang, hear its engine roar to life.

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” Jude said to Mia. “This decision about USC is not made.”

“Yes, it is.” Mia gave her a bright smile. “Forgive me?”

“No. I do not forgive you,” Jude said. “And sweet talking won’t work this time. This isn’t over. You have to think about your futures.”

“I’m sorry, Mom, but it kinda is. Love you,” Mia gave Jude a kiss on the cheek and then ran out to the car.

“I want you home by one o’clock,” Jude said, following her daughter. It was too small, not really what she wanted to say at all, but it was all she had now. Tomorrow they would have a serious talk, all three of them. “At one-o-two, I’m calling the police or driving over.”

At the car, Mia hugged her mother fiercely. “We’ll be home,” she promised.

“And no drinking,” Jude said. She leaned down to see her son through the car window. “Zach, you’re the designated driver. No matter what. That’s our deal.”

“I know,” he said tightly.

She had to add: “If anything happens—”

“Yeah, yeah,” Zach said. “We’ll call home for a ride. Come on, Mia. Lexi’s waiting.”

“Be home by one,” Jude said again, stepping back, watching them drive off. “I mean it,” she said, but there was no one beside her to hear the words.

*

Driving too fast, music blaring through the car, Zach turned onto Night Road. Lexi slid into the car door at every hairpin turn.

“Slow down,” Mia yelled from the backseat, but Zach just cranked up the music. “Yeah,” by Usher was at the edge of pain.
… got so caught up I forgot …

When they got to the party, there were already more than a dozen cars parked in the clearing.

Zach pulled the key out of the ignition and dropped it in the well between the seats. “I need something to drink,” he said, getting out of the car.

Lexi got out of the car and went to him. “But you’re the d.d.”

“I know that. And I know my limits. You’re not my mom.” He pulled away from her and strode toward the party.

Lexi didn’t know what to do.

Mia came up beside her. “He’s pissed.”

“At me?”

Mia shrugged. “At you, me, my parents, himself. Everyone. He doesn’t know what he wants and it’s killing him. He’s always been like that. When things come easily, Zach’s cool. But when he’s confused or hurting, he loses it. Sometimes he yells and sometimes he shuts up. This time he’s yelling. He’s especially mad at Mom and me.”

“You guys would be crazy to give up USC for a crappy apartment and classes at a community college. He’ll see that,” Lexi said.

Mia took her by the hand, and they headed down the driveway. Deep in the woods, they found the small log cabin that was one of the island’s original homesteads. A big bonfire danced in front of the beach. Beside it stood a pair of silver kegs. Over to the left, someone was grilling hot dogs.

Mia and Lexi stood at the perimeter of the party, talking. All around them kids were laughing and dancing and drinking. Out on the water, a pair of Jet Skis buzzed and raced. Music blared out from a boom box on the porch. The air smelled of pine trees and wood smoke and marijuana.

As they stood there, Tyler walked past them. Alaina Smith was draped all over him, hanging on him. He had his hand on her ass.

Mia drew in a sharp breath. Wiping her eyes, she walked over to the keg and got herself a beer, downing it as fast as she could.

“Are you okay?” Lexi asked.

“Just stay with me,” Mia said shakily. “Don’t let me be alone … I might make a fool of myself.”

“I’d never let you be alone,” Lexi promised. She got a beer, and even though she hated the taste, it softened her somehow, and Mia, too, and in no time they were smiling again and making jokes.

When she finished her second beer, Mia said, “We need Zach. I have a surprise for you two. Something to tell you. Meet me on the beach.” She headed into the crowd before Lexi could stop her, and that was cool, because Lexi didn’t want to stop her. As much as she loved being with her best friend, she wanted Zach here, too. This was their graduation party, the last one before the big day, and the three of them should be together.

Lexi headed down to the beach and sat in the sand, waiting.

“There you are,” Zach said a few minutes later, sitting down beside her. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Where’s Mia? She went looking for you.”

Zach shrugged and handed her a bottle of rum. “Here.”

“Hey, you’re not supposed to be drinking,” Lexi said.

“Last one, I promise. Here.”

She hated to drink like this, without mixers or anything, but she didn’t want to upset him, so she took a sip.

“She doesn’t give a shit about what I want,” he said and lifted the bottle to his mouth again.

Lexi didn’t know if he was talking about his mother or his sister, but it didn’t really matter either way. “Yes, she does.”

He took another long drink, handed it to her. “Maybe I don’t give a shit what she wants.”

Lexi sighed. “Yes, you do.”

He looked at her, his eyes wild. “I love you so much.”

She knew exactly what he was feeling: it was the universe of her own emotions. She was afraid of watching him go; he was afraid of letting her stay. “I know,” was all she could say. She believed him now, believed in his love, and that was everything.

They needed to be strong for each other, and she would be the one to start. “I’ll never stop loving you, Zach.”

In a taut voice, he said, “Come here,” and took her hand and led her deep into the woods.

There, they kissed and undressed and made love in a way that was new; sad, maybe, and a little rough, with their bodies communicating all the difficult words they couldn’t say. When it was over and they lay there, spent, staring up at the starlit sky, Lexi reached for the rum bottle and drank until their future didn’t seem so sharp and a nice fuzziness blurred the edges.

Finally, unsteady on their feet, they left the copse of trees and returned to the party, which was now completely out of control. There were more than one hundred kids there, talking, laughing, dancing. Boys were tossing a football back and forth; a bunch of people were gathered around the kegs; more stood around the huge bonfire. On the cabin, a sign read:
Class of 2004—Good Bye and Good Luck
.

Mia shrieked when she saw them and stumbled toward them. “Where
were
you guys?” she said, handing Lexi a half-empty bottle of rum. “This is
our
night. The three of us. Okay?”

They stood there, a little drunk, staring at one another, an island in a sea of seniors. Mia reached out for Zach’s hand, then for Lexi’s, and, with that touch, the connection returned. They were
them
again.

“Let’s party,” Zach said, smiling at his sister.

Lexi could
see
the love between these two, and as much as it hurt to know that they would leave her, she was glad the fight was over. They needed this last summer together.

They merged into the party and became a part of it, laughing, drinking, dancing until the moon rose in a dark sky and the air turned cold. By two o’clock in the morning, the party was winding down. Kids lay sprawled on the ground, on the grass, on the porch.

Mia started to say something and stopped. “Wha was I saying?”

Zach laughed drunkenly. “You said you had a surprise for us. You’ve been saying it all night. What is it?”

“Ha, thass right,” Mia said and fell sideways. Her head smacked on a rock and she moaned, “Shit. Tha hurt…”

Lexi helped Mia sit back up. “She’s bleeding, Zach.”

They all burst into laughter at that.

Lexi tried to use her sleeve to wipe the blood off Mia’s forehead, but her balance was off and she kept poking Mia in the eye instead, and Mia just laughed harder.

Mia lurched up suddenly and stood there, swaying. “Oh man…” She clamped a hand over her mouth for a second and then stumbled sideways, falling to her knees in the sand and vomiting. The wretching sound and the smell made Lexi almost sick, too, but she went to Mia anyway, held her hair back.

“I am so hammered,” Mia finally said, wiping her mouth with her sleeve and sitting back on her heels.