Night Road (41 page)

Lexi moved closer. “She loved this room but hated that mirror. She always said it looked like an art project. But she knew how much you liked it.”

Jude sat down on the bed. When she looked up, her eyes were glazed with tears and her mouth was an unsteady line. “Why did you drive that night?”

Lexi was actually grateful for the honesty of the question. “I’ve asked myself that a million times. Zach was hammered, and Mia wasn’t much better. Neither one of them could stand up, really. They didn’t want to call you. It was so late, and they were so drunk.” She paused. “I didn’t want to call you. I wanted you to love me so much … and then Zach got behind the wheel. I couldn’t let him drive.”

“Why did I let you go that night? I knew there would be drinking. And I gave him the keys.”

Lexi moved toward the bed, feeling like a ninety-year-old woman with rickety joints and watery eyes and sat down beside Jude. “It’s my fault, Jude. All mine.”

Jude shook her head slowly. “I wanted to believe that, didn’t I?”

“It’s the truth.”

“I’m trying to be a little more honest these days. I know you love Grace. Do you still love Zach?”

“I’ve tried to stop. I’ll keep trying.”

“You should talk to him.”

“I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“He’ll be back soon,” Jude said quietly. “Talk to him. Tell him how you feel.”

Lexi almost broke at that small kindness. It reminded her of all the conversations she’d had with Jude over the years, all the moments when they’d been like mother and daughter. It was because of Jude that Zach had taken Lexi to the dance, where everything between them had really begun. “They were so lucky to have you, Jude. And they knew it. Mia loved you so much.”

“I miss her voice.”

Lexi slipped off the bed and crawled under it, feeling beneath the slats until she found what she was looking for. Holding it, she crawled back out and sat back on her heels, offering Jude the small pink journal with an orange lily painted on the front.

“Oh my God,” Jude breathed, reaching out. “Her journal.”

Lexi placed it in Jude’s hands and then got to her feet. “I’ll go now. Tell … Zach that I’m going to call Grace once a week and I’ll write even more often.”

Jude stared down at the journal, running her palm over it as if it were a piece of expensive silk. “What? Why?”

“I have something important to do before I leave.” Lexi wasn’t even sure if Jude was listening. “A good-bye I should have said a long time ago. But Jude … love Grace better, okay? She needs you.”

Twenty-seven

Mia’s diary.

It had been here all this time, waiting. Jude ran her fingertips over the mottled brass lock, and then, slowly, she opened the book.

Property of Mia Farraday. Private. Keep out. And yes that means you, Zach Attack
.

Dear Diary,

I’m scared. Is it okay to write that down? I know how lame it makes me look. But you won’t care, right, Diary?

No one at high school is gonna talk to me. Mom says h.s. will be better than middle school, but she always says stuff like that. How would she know what it’s like to be me? She was a cheerleader and probably Homecoming Queen. What would she have done if Maribeth Astor called
her
pizza face?

I wish I hadn’t cried. That just made everything worse.

And now I’ll probably have to sit by MB in class.

Crap.

It used to be easy for me. So, like, what happened? In grade school I had lots of friends. Well, so, okay, maybe they were Zach’s friends, but we all played together and I didn’t know there was something wrong with me. Now I know. Boy do I know.

Madre is calling us for breakfast.
The most important meal of the day.
Yeah, right.

Loser out.

Dear Diary,

You won’t BELIEVE what happened today. Ok I’m gonna write it all down so I don’t forget anything.

First of all, Mom was wrong about h.s. At least at first. I walked into school with Zach, and even though he was holding my hand, it was like I was invisible. Okay maybe I shouldn’t have worn the pink tutu and high tops, but I’m not like those other girls. They know and I know it. The clothes help keep them away. And so what if they laugh?

Lunch was a horrorfest. I walked into the lunch room and almost puked. No one made eye contact with me. Zach was sitting with all his Barbie and Ken friends and he waved me over. No way I was gonna go there, so I took my book and went outside.

That’s when it happened Diary!

I was sitting on the grass by this scrawny tree, chewing and reading (Wuthering Heights) when this girl just walked up and said can I sit with you.

I told her it was social suicide and she smiled.
Smiled.
Then she sat down and we started talking and Diary, we have like EVERYTHING in common.

I don’t want to jinx it but I think she wants to be my friend …

How cool is that???

Dear Diary,

Lexi stayed the night at my house last night. We totally fooled Madre and pretended to go to sleep at 11 but then we snuck out and went down to the beach. We sat there for hours, talking, about EVERYTHING. She likes me, and she doesn’t care that no one else does. We are gonna be Harry and Hermione. Friends forever.

Dear Diary,

Lexi made me try out for the school play, Once Upon a Mattress. And I GOT THE PART!

What would I do without her?

Tod Lymer asked Lexi to the dance. She tried to keep it a secret, but high school is such a soap opera. No one can really keep a secret. Besides, Haley wanted me to know. She laughed when she told me and called me a loser who couldn’t get a date.

How does Mom always know when something is wrong? When I got home from school, she took one look at me and just walked over and hugged me. I tried to push her away, but she held on, and I burst into tears. Yes, Diary, that’s how cool I am. When I was done telling her the story, she said I needed to remember that good friends wanted the best for each other, and I should remember that.

I do, Diary. I do want Lexi to be happy. Totally I don’t care at all if she goes to the stupid dance.

Lexi didn’t go to the dance. She said she’d WAY rather stay home with her best friend and watch movies, so that’s what we did. We made popcorn and watched movies. Zach even stayed home with us. He said any dance without us was a total waste of

“Nana?”

Jude looked up and saw her granddaughter standing by the bed. In her pink terrycloth sweats, with her curly blond hair a mass of tangles, she looked exactly like Mia at that age, and it disoriented Jude just a little. For the first time in years, Mia felt close enough to touch. The diary had brought her back to Jude.

Grace burst into tears. “M-my m-mommy left.”

Love Grace better. She needs you
.

Jude got out of bed and scooped Grace into her arms. “It’s okay, baby,” she whispered, and then suddenly Jude was crying, too. She clung to Grace, crying against the child’s soft, plump cheek, smelling the sweet baby shampoo scent of her hair, remembering …

“I tole her I wanted to st-stay with Daddy,” Grace said sobbing. “An I
do
wanna be with Daddy, but … but I want my mommy, too. I shoulda told her that.”

“Oh, Grace.” Jude looked at her granddaughter through a blur of tears. In the soft focus, she saw not only Grace, but Zach and Mia, too. And the Lexi who had been a part of them. They were all in Grace’s face, in her eyes, in the pink bow of her mouth. How had Jude forgotten that?

No, she hadn’t forgotten it. She’d known it all along; she’d looked away from it purposely, afraid that the pain would kill her. But not feeling had taken away her joy, too, left her in that gray haze of numbness.

In a way, they were all together again in this moment, embraced in one another’s arms just as they would have been if Mia were alive.

She carried Grace up onto Mia’s big bed and snuggled with her there.

Grace slowly opened her small fist. Resting on her palm lay the promise ring Zach had given Lexi. “Look what Mommy gave me.”

Jude picked up the fragile ring.
This
was what she’d been so upset by all those years ago, a little circle of white gold with a sapphire chip; she’d thought a ring like this could derail a young man’s life. “He was so romantic,” she sighed.

Grace popped her thumb in her mouth and mumbled, “Who?” around it.

“Your daddy. I should have known that Miles and I would raise a romantic.”

Why hadn’t she rejoiced that her son knew how to love deeply? And to dream of the future. Why was it that pebbles looked like boulders until they were in your rearview mirror? “He gave your mommy that ring for Christmas.”

Jude unhooked the slim gold chain necklace she wore. Letting the diamond enhancer fall into her lap, she took the ring from Grace and threaded the chain through it and then clasped the necklace on Grace. “You look like a princess,” Jude said, kissing her granddaughter’s cheek. And once she’d begun kissing Grace, she couldn’t stop. She kissed and nuzzled and snuggled until Gracie cried out for mercy, yelling
stop it, Nana—that tickles!
and giggling.

Finally Jude drew back and looked at Grace. “I love you. I should have told you that a million times a day.”

“That’s a
lot
of times.” Grace giggled again and covered her mouth.

“Don’t try to quiet your laughter, Gracie. It’s a beautiful sound.”

“That’s what my mommy said.”

Mommy
.

How was it that an ordinary word, one she’d heard all of her life, could suddenly be so sharp?
You used to be the best mother in the world
.

Regret was all around Jude; she felt choked by it, but then she looked down at the girl in her arms, and she could breathe again. The regret melted slowly away, was replaced by a fragile shoot of hope. “Your mom has a heart as big as Alaska. I forgot that. And she made my Mia—and your dad—happy.”

“What’s that?” Grace asked, pointing at the book in Jude’s other hand.

She hadn’t even realized she was still holding it. “It’s your Aunt Mia’s diary.”

“You aren’t ’posed to read stuff like that. Hannah Montana says—”

“It’s okay.”

“Cuz she’s dead?”

Jude drew in a sharp breath, waiting for a pain that didn’t quite come. It was there, of course, in that one awful word, but it left quickly, and she was surprised to find that she could still smile. And maybe it was better to face a thing, to say it out loud, rather than to hide it away. “Yeah. Now it’s something she left for us.”

“What was she like, Nana?” Grace asked, and Jude wondered how long Grace had held that question back, afraid to ask it of anyone in her family.

“She was like … a beautiful, fragile flower. Until she met your mom, she was afraid of her own shadow and lonely … so lonely.” She wiped her eyes. “She wanted to be an actress, and I think she could have made it. All those quiet years weren’t wasted. Mia was always watching people, soaking up the world around her. When she got onstage, she was a different girl completely. Your mom helped her with that. It was Lexi who talked Mia into trying out for her first play.”

Miles appeared in the doorway. “What’s this? You two look like you’re having a party without me.”

“We are, Papa!” Grace said, scrambling to her feet. She ran across the bed and launched herself into Miles’s open arms.

“Nana was telling me about Aunt Mia,” Grace said. “An’ look what my mommy gave me.” She held out the promise ring on the chain.

“She was telling you about Mia?” Miles asked, looking at Jude. Over Grace’s golden hair their eyes met, and a quiet understanding passed between them. They both knew what it meant to simply say Mia’s name. He got up into his daughter’s bed and eased close to them, putting an arm around Jude.

“How have you been so strong?” she asked him.

“Strong?” He sighed, and in the sound she heard the wellspring of his loss. “I’m not strong anymore,” he said. “But, thank God, I’m patient.”

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

Grace wiggled around until she was wedged between them. Then she sat up. Her pointed chin jutted out. “Won’t Daddy be mad that Mommy gave me this ring?”

And suddenly Jude got it: she knew why Lexi had given Grace the ring.
Something important to do before I leave.

Lexi hadn’t just left Grace for the day. The ring meant good-bye.

*

Lexi pedaled up Main Street and parked her bike in front of Scot’s office.

He was still at his desk, talking on the phone. At her entrance, he smiled and held up a finger.
Wait,
he mouthed.
Don’t go
.

She sat down on the sofa in the office, waiting. As soon as he hung up, she got to her feet and headed toward the desk. “I made a mistake,” she said, standing in front of him.

He paused in gathering his papers and looked up. “What do you mean?”

“You know what Grace said to me? I’m already a mom. I should know how to be one. But I don’t. I have no idea how to be my daughter’s mommy. I don’t have a job or a place to live. Anything. I’m not ready. All I did by coming back was hurt them again. Hurt Grace.”

“Lexi, you can’t give up.”

“I’m not going to give up. I still want to modify the custody agreement, and I want to be Grace’s mom. I want that more than anything. But I have to do it the right way. I have to do what’s best for
her
. Not what’s best for me.” Her voice fell away; all she could do was shrug. “I tried to find a job. Ha. Apparently a twenty-four-year-old ex-con can’t even be a part-time janitor. And forget about housing. At best I can rent a room in someone’s house. I’ll have to work seventy hours a week just to
live
. How do I take care of Grace?
How?
”

“Lexi…”

“Please,” she whispered. “Don’t make it harder, okay? I appreciate all you’ve done for me, but I’m going to Florida tomorrow morning. Eva got me a job. I’ll be able to save up enough to come back in a year. My bus leaves at 9:25.”

“Oh, Lexi…” Scot said. “I wish you’d listen to me…”

“Make sure they send me pictures,” she said quietly, trying not to cry. “I’ll write to her every week.”

He went to her then, took her in his arms. She had a hard time letting go. “Thank you for everything,” she finally said.

“What about Zach?” Scot asked.