Nightmarish Sacrifice (Cardew) (21 page)

             
It felt as though Cardew’s tone had made the words echo even more dramatically inside the empty hall; even the heavy dusty cherry-coloured curtains shivered and the stage shook as if to bow before the youth’s talent.

             
Cardew took a deep breath and then his eyes pressed themselves closed like he was agonizing; his whole body convulsed in terrifyingly realistic pain, and he collapsed forwards on the stage, his forehead strongly hitting against the boards.

             
The play was over.

             
I understood that when the actor stood up with the ease and carelessness as though nothing unusual had happened, patted his knees to remove the dust from them, and headed backstage towards the dressing room there.

             
It took me more than a minute to recover from the influence Cardew’s monologue had had on me; maybe he was impressing me so deeply because I was in love with him, I supposed while walking slowly towards the already empty stage – and maybe he just possessed too rare a talent and I didn’t have what to compare him to.

             
I climbed on stage effortlessly and hurried towards the little room Cardew had sunk into, my movements felinely silent as I wanted to surprise him.

             
The sound of splashing water covered up the one from my steps, and I found myself right on the door-sill before the boy had noticed me. In a display of lack of narcissism, he was ignoring the reflection in the cracked mirror above the sink while washing his hands, and thus he didn’t notice me and leant forward to wash his face, too.

             
Suppressing my giggle, I crept behind his back in an attempt to take him by surprise, but his predatorily sharpened senses perceived my motions before I had got even three metres away from him – and in the next second a whole army of fine miniature drops of tap water were flying towards me to land in my hair, Cardew’s smile refracting in each of them.

             
I burst into laughter, as the numerous kisses the tiny water-drops had covered me with were utterly pleasant, and hurried to Cardew, so that he could give me his own ones in his turn.

             
“I saw your monologue, and you were truly amazing!” I reassured him enthusiastically, and his expression went gently smug.

             
“I always am, lovely, but hearing it from you is my hobby,” he gave me a wink and another kiss on the lips, then went to get a clean towel.

             
“What an egoist!” I laughed when he didn’t offer the piece of cloth to me first, although I didn’t need it in fact. “If you’re so selfish, how can I be sure that you won’t just cheat on me one day?”

             
“Oh, you can be damn sure I wouldn’t, lovely,” Cardew chuckled and tenderly ran his hand through my hair as if he wanted to make sure it was not wet. “Only a fool would lie to you, just look at yourself!”

             
“Actually, you don’t look like one who can get cheated on either –” I hinted and turned the expression on my face naive. “But this doesn’t mean that –”

             
“Don’t even try, lovely –” the boy was smiling but his tone was serious and hard like ice-cold steel. “I am extremely jealous!”

             
“I know that,” I laughed and locked my hands behind his neck despite his apparent reluctance to escape anyway. “Yesterday you almost hit the poor boy who just wanted to help me –”

             
“To help himself to you,” Cardew rolled his eyes and I giggled under my breath.

             
“I’m not some food!” I informed him as though there was a chance that he had missed this precious piece of information, and he blinked, having come up with an idea.

             
“Food? Too good you mentioned it, I’m starving –”

             
“Am I in danger?” I played scared, and mischievous rapacious sparks flared up in his eyes as his stare flashed onto me as though to check if the meal I’d become was worth the effort of killing.

             
“Absolutely –” he giggled ominously and for a moment I felt real unfeigned dread freeze my soul towards its heart. “In danger, yeah –”

             
But the joking charm in his voice was calming me down, and when he grabbed me off the land and lifted me horizontally to his chest, I was roaring with laughter as much as he was.

“In danger?”
I repeated provokingly and the joyful gray of his eyes chuckled with me. “Of –”

             
“In danger of... being brought – doubtlessly against your will – to... your favourite restaurant –” Cardew mock-stuttered innocently and walked out of the dressing room while still carrying me in his tight embrace.

             
“So you’re kidnapping me again!” I accused him with droll boredom.

             
“Oh, I would have really kidnapped you, believe me,” he laughed freely. “If only I wasn’t –”

             
And his words cut off sharply.

             
“What?” I asked curiously, although my mind had already thought up its own version of what he should have wanted to say: ‘If only I wasn’t in love with you –’

             
“If only I wasn’t such a virtuous person,” he declared proudly and kicked the door of the hall open, as his hands weren’t free.

             
“Right, you’re the embodiment of all virtues themselves,” I scoffed him but he didn’t take offence, just went on marching down the deserted corridor. “Not that I want to prevent you from demonstrating what a knight you are, but I’d rather walk by myself if you don’t mind.”

             
“Hmm –” Cardew bent closer above me, and I couldn’t say if he was playing evil or that was the natural expression in his eyes. “So you don’t dare be so close to me –”

             
“I’ve been closer!” I nagged and kicked lightly in the air, not too energetically so as not to fall off his arms and crash down.

             
“Still, not close enough!” he laughed noiselessly in a rather terrifying way.

             
“Let me go or you’ll find me too close!” I threatened him jokingly and he chuckled lightly again.

             
“I can’t wait!”

             
“You can’t?” having recalled some assumptions of mine, I raised an eyebrow in a well-played display of surprise. “No way, you can everything!”

             
This made him laugh with pleasure and my feet touched the land without any accidents.

             
“And I really loved the monologue,” I remarked later, when we were already having a dinner at a place which Cardew had obviously noticed my preferences for. “Your character is interesting.”

             
“A betrayed husband,” the boy nodded with quiet laughter. “He’s planning to fight his wife’s lover on a duel but regrets that this will hurt her... A fool.”

             
“Why a fool?” I shrugged and reached for my glass. “What would you do in his place?”

             
“Oh, I wouldn’t regret about the duel, not at all,” Cardew lifted his shoulders, too, subconsciously copying my movement – this pleased me to a grin. “Betrayal has to be punished.”

             
My brows knitted in lack of understanding, and I dared to ask further, “But this would hurt the girl – what if you loved her?”

             
“Well, this wouldn’t matter, as she apparently wouldn’t have loved me enough,” he sounded decisively convinced in what he was saying, tone earnest, eyes coldly blank. “Feelings are getting you weaker – and this world isn’t ruled by the weak and vulnerable.”

             
“You can be romantic and strong at the same time,” I protested with a smile and he winked complacently.

             
“I can – I can be anything.”

             
“Of course,” I giggled although the stern severity of character his logic was hinting about was rather making me feel like crying. “But I’d appreciate it if you were a bit more expressive –”

             
“More expressive?” Cardew repeated with alluring intonation and his face approached mine slowly but with dead-set precision. “Like this? –”

             
The kiss he fixed on my lips was so fiery and intensive that it would have literally burnt my skin, had I been less prepared for its invigorating violence; still, the pressure he applied on me was so strong and tough that his caress almost hurt me.

             
“Like telling me what’s on your mind and being more open,” I gently pushed his shoulder to shove him away, although I couldn’t deny his expressiveness. “I do appreciate all the time you spend with me, but I still feel distant from you.”

             
“That’s good,” Cardew grinned heartlessly, although my favourite trick with checking how wide his pupils were showed me that he wasn’t happy either. “This reinforces the relationship by making it more intriguing, and I don’t want you to be able to get enough of me –”

             
My sigh was sincere and filled with grief, but he didn’t show any compassion at all; his fingers caressed my neck but that was not a sign of comforting, just passion – emotionless and vain; if it was not for an instinct of mine preventing me from trusting his psychological games, despair would have completely conquered me by then.

             
“I am this kind of person, lovely –” he smiled as though he couldn’t notice that he had almost driven me to tears. “If you want one of those weak foolish dreamers, go treat yourself to one – I’ll be patient enough to wait for a week or two until you get tired of him and return to me –”

             
Although I was really not feeling like laughing, I quickly shook off the sorrowful expression of mine as it obviously wasn’t having the needed effect on Cardew, and replaced it with an annoyingly radiant smile.

             
“What if I fall in love with such?” I teased him to provoke his jealousy, and started wrapping a long ringlet of mine round my forefinger like a curious child.

             
However, he didn’t let me know if I had succeeded, as he grinned, too, and his voice remained even; it was utterly uncomfortable that he was as good at pretending as me – objectively, even better.

             
“You just won’t be able to, as it wouldn’t be natural –” Cardew reassured me as though there were centuries of detailed scientific research which were proving this fact doubtlessly. “Your personality is strong, and you will be attracted to someone stronger than you, someone who can protect you – not a desperate weak-willed man who will expect you to protect him instead –” he smirked negligently, his tone finely mocking when he added, “Unless you want to keep him as a pet, of course. Endearing –”

             
“But those overly strong boys aren’t capable of feeling,” I started it like a game, although the aim was too serious. “Or if they feel at all, they are afraid to show it – which makes them cowards.”

             
Cardew laughed naturally – nothing could break his composure and make him leave the role he had comfortably slipped in.

             
“Logical but not true,” he grinned with ease. “In fact, it’s just the other way round – those expressive ones you defend are the cowards: showing their feelings means that they want to be understood and accepted – so then they fear being alone – and it’s exactly this fear which makes them cowards.”

             
“But what’s wrong about wanting to be accepted?” I blinked in amazement; his philosophy was disturbing me in a subtle but perceptible way. “That’s like the craving for love and happiness – the most natural thing!”

             
“You don’t understand,” the boy patted my head lightly like a concerned adult who was trying to treat a toddler like his equal but was failing only because of the child’s immaturity.

             
“I don’t,” I shrugged and glared at him earnestly; he got the hint and his hand stopped ruffling my hair and calmly slid behind my back. “And – as you won’t explain it to me because this would mean wanting to be accepted – I will explain it to you as I do want to be accepted and I don’t fear being a coward: sometimes I wonder if we’re together at all!”

             
Cardew’s eyes narrowed for just a moment, and I guessed – or at least hoped – that my words had got him alarmed.

             
“Aren’t we?” he blinked, playing surprised in a purposefully artificial way.

             
“How should I know?” I nagged, folded my arms on my chest, and turned my head in the opposite direction to clearly display that I was offended. “Would you be so kind to inform me?”

             
“You have instincts, lovely –” Cardew chuckled and his hand tenderly glided up my back to slightly touch the side of my jaw so I’d face him again. “Let them work –”