Nightmarish Sacrifice (Cardew) (47 page)

             
“I am proud that I am with you, Freya,” oh, how could his voice be so meltingly tender, so deeply touching, so absorbing... “I never believed it would be possible for any human girl to be exactly my ideal, but you... you –” the uneven breathless pauses in his tone were making me shiver with the desirable thrills of excitement, and he could feel their wild impulses reinforce under my skin as he finished his sentence harmonious with the velvety silence, “Even if I had been to choose all your features by myself, I wouldn’t have done as flawlessly –”

             
I realized that the distant traces of the heated longing to cry had disappeared from my heart as soon as I huddled up to Cardew’s chest, rested my chin on his strong stable shoulder with relief, and closed my eyes to intensify my perceptions. The atmosphere was filled with fragrant tranquil stillness as he started to barely perceptibly caress the surface of the airy black waves of my hair stretching down my back, and I blissfully adjusted myself more comfortably in his snug cosy embrace, and surrendered to the temptation to open my eyes again and raise them to his face with an affectionate trusting expression.

             
Cardew suppressed a melancholically sweet sigh when our gazes met, and his fingertips gently buried into my hair as he pressed me more tightly to himself, as if I would suddenly evaporate into the air like a whiff of evasive perfume if he wasn’t cautious enough to hold me strongly.

             
“Amazing –” I sensed his soft whisper skim my cheek, and – although his words were as silent as thoughts, I perceived that he was speaking to me, not to himself. “This feeling you are giving me when you just entrust yourself in my arms and cuddle to me as if you need my protection... as if I am not living completely in vain as there is another human being that needs me for real, because of the person both you and I think I am... it makes me feel –”

             
Breathless, I was feverishly waiting for him to finish the words which had fallen broken, to utter a single sound, to give me even the most subtle of signs...

             
But Cardew had the courage to confess it straight.

             
“It makes me feel loved –” he uttered with purely unforgettable intonation, the hypnotizing magnetism of his mightily intense eyes more inflaming than ever. “And I had never felt loved before, I had never been in need of anyone’s affection, trust, or approval – but yours now make me feel so blessed that I am afraid of the possibility to lose them one day, to lose you and your love... is this proving me weak?”

             
Oh gods, how had I been able to think this boy of a heartless monster!?!...

             
“No –” I only whispered in a secretly choked voice, and snuggled up closer to him again; I could feel that confessing it all was bringing him the much needed relief, and I wasn’t even sure if he was listening to his own words at all, or was just letting all his inner torments pour out, bare for my firm rational verdict...

             
Poor harassed child, how could I ever judge him?!...

             
He was finally trusting me completely – already no shield of steely unbending pride and severe strength was standing between us, as his defence against the whole outer world was not against me anymore. All his masks – of arrogant invincibility, cruelty, and utter heartlessness, as well as those of all the faked emotions he was striving to sense somehow – were laying down broken in my feet, just like an offering towards a forbidden pagan goddess, and their numerous miniature pieces were merging together like fractures of immeasurably precious stones, in such an enchanting bewitching chaos of intense crisp crystallized colours and refined sharpened shapes that the sight was mesmerising me and making me carefully stare inward – towards my own soul and the roles I myself was playing in real life...

             
And I was utterly cautious not to cause even minimal pain to any of the millions of tiny pieces, as then Cardew would be the one who would suffer – and I could not allow it – this night I was his guardian, and the link between us was stronger than it had ever been...

             
And as strong as it would be ever since.

             
We still had roles, but they were already natural, determined by ourselves, and we needed no masks to fake them, as we were really living them: Cardew was my defender against anything the hostile menacing world out there could do to me, against all possible dangers, even against the harsh raw reality itself – and I was the only one who could protect his tormented soul from his own inner dramatic self-torturing which could annihilate him on the inside and make his whole being collapse into wretched devastated ruins.

             
“I was never able to accept anyone else’s support but my own –” Cardew pronounced thoughtfully, and I lifted my head to search for the source of his anguish among the gray folds of satin in the depths of his eyes; he didn’t let go of me, just fondled my face with a sorrowful good-hearted smile before going on, “But you are supporting me now, and I... I love this fact and appreciate it, although I am surprised by my own reaction. However –” his sigh dissolved into the air silently, opening a short pause in which he left a light thankful kiss on my hand before going on. “It all feels like a fantasy of mine – so imaginary, so fragile, that I feel as if –” he cut himself off for a moment, but my tender inoffensive smile encouraged him and he continued after inhaling, “As if I will wake up now and everything will be different again: the equilibrium will be fatally broken and you won’t be here with me – either you won’t be existing in my reality at all, or –”

             
I could sense what he would say – my instincts were sharpened with the fall of the night, and his genuine closeness – not only physical but also emotional – was making me feel him intuitively: the direction of his thoughts, the immense depth and sensitivity of his perceptions...

             
The fears creeping sinisterly down to the very bottom of his heart, and ruthlessly poisoning his hopes for harmony with their venomous uncertainty...

             
And Cardew really did pronounce aloud what I had expected him to, although he didn’t declare it with confidence but rather uttered it out in the way in which an uneasy child would share his most appalling nightmares – assuming that the hypothesis coming true was something practically impossible to happen, but still, not voicing it without a respectful hint of awe:

             
“Or... you will use my tonight’s weakness to betray me –”

             
Betrayal...

             
Oh dear, how was he living with so many restrictions, horrors and painfully obsessive doubts hindering his every step?...

             
To let him keep his composure – and therefore his self-respect – intact, I gave him the chance to relax a bit in the short pause I left in the talk, and not until then did I bend closer towards him again; his strong silky hair looked almost obsidian-coloured in the scarce romantic light – or rather, almost complete lack of light – and I couldn’t resist the temptation to bury my fingertips in its rich splendid waves, and, carefully caressing it, to slightly move it aside to bare his neck for my endearments; enticingly soft and warm under my lips, his skin was radiating the luxurious mystifying perfume I adored more than any other scent, and, intoxicated by its mesmeric power, I uttered my confession in quiet passionate whispering while continuing to glide my fervently soothing kisses up his neck.

             
“If this all ends, at least it would have been so unforgettably beautiful... But it cannot end, my love –” I gently pulled my lips off his skin so as to face him and let sincerity glow in my eyes with the increasing intensity of unstoppable fire awakening for its brisk exciting life. “I am real, with all my good and bad sides, I am here with you... And I would rather betray myself and die than betray you in any way!”

             
A blurred hesitation was torturing Cardew, I could perceive this, but my intuition advised me to go on, as his hesitations – despite being hazy, had nothing to do with my faithfulness...

             
Or at least I believed so.

             
To him I would be a risk – the most purely dangerous risk he had even taken in his existence, as – if he chose to be with me and trust me like he already had – he would have no defences against me anymore. But my trust for him in the obscure situation I was lost in – this was a sacrifice.

             
My sacrifice for him...

             
I had done it all so as to stay with Cardew and love him with all my heart without caring if my life was completely safe or simply wasted in his hands: I had ignored rationality and forgotten about security, I had neglected all the various categorical warnings I had received against him...

             
I had sacrificed my nightmare – this was my sacrifice.

             
My nightmarish sacrifice...

             
And yet, it was genuine gratitude that I was feeling when I went on speaking, trying to make my voice as comforting and caressing as possible – Cardew did deserve it.

             
“You can be open with me, I will never share anything you tell me with anyone else –” the airy touch of his gold-crimson curl which my fingers gently moved behind his ear made me smile affectionately. “I won’t judge you either, like your conscience would – I will just help with what I can, and when that’s out of my reach, at least I will listen to you – saying it all aloud may bring you relief –”

             
Silent and sunk in his gloomy obsessive thoughts, Cardew was still holding me in his hug, but somehow loosely, as if he was prepared to let go if I made a movement to release myself, so I pressed him in a tighter embrace to attract his attention; the gray of his eyes had the shade of old luxurious paper nobody had written anything on because they had been saving it for a special occasion, and so it was wasted down the drain without becoming the base for even a single word.

             
“I can be your secret confessor –” my gentle smile was full of mild light as I was hoping to finally bring sweet consoling peace to his harassed soul bearing the ferocious marks of endless cruel inner wars. “You don’t have to tell me everything, just what you need to, but – whatever you have done – I will be able to understand you, I don’t feel like a saint either. You can speak to me like you haven’t spoken even to yourself.”

             
There was thankfulness in Cardew’s eyes, but his smile was sorrowful when he slowly shook his head with silent but hopeless melancholy.

             
“This cannot last, lovely –” his tone was soothing, although from the two of us he was the one who needed consolation more. “When you really get to know me, you will be let down that I may not be the supreme deity from the play you are used to... And you will disappear like his goddess of Fire –” the intonation of his voice got softer, and he mechanically repeated the final words of the play, still fresh and alive in his memory, “And it will always remain cold in my heart –”

             
“No!” I protested with desperately fervent passion and he almost smiled to my outburst of ardency. “I may be named Freya but I am not a goddess – and you don’t have to be a god to deserve my love. You know what, I got sick and tired of always being strong, of this constant unstoppable strife for perfection we are both leading!” the sparks of sudden rebellion were making my voice twinkle in intensive reinforced scarlet, furiously insistent. “I want to be normal, not to care what I am, I want to lay in your arms and listen to you saying that you love me –”

             
A faint almost imperceptible smile blossomed on Cardew’s face, and I could read it in his eyes that he wouldn’t label me as naive, because he was craving to share with me the fantasy I had just voiced.

             
“And I don’t want to know if you are strong or not, if you are a god, a hero, a coward, or a fool!” I declared decisively while my hands were tenderly spilling around the rich heavy waves of his hair; his eyes were softly light-gray and radiant, like halos of goodness, and this time I didn’t look for the monster of brutal cruelty sleeping inside him – I didn’t even believe in its existence anymore. “I want to be your best friend, not just a lover, I want to share your problems and in return to receive your support when I need it – to accept and to be accepted –”

             
“Lovely –” Cardew broke his prolonged silence and gently crossed his arms behind my back, his palms reaching to delicately lay on my shoulders. “Of course you will have my support – but you don’t have to support me, too, so as to receive it – I will be beside you because I feel it’s what I desire to do the most, not just because I would mechanically return the favour,” there was real majestic power – strong but covered in velvety calmness – in his magically beautiful eyes, and his smile was crystal-pure when he caringly moved a negligent tuft of hair off my cheek before nestling me back closer to his chest, and going on, “I appreciate your angelic intentions, my beauty, but I really don’t need to share my problems with anyone – however, if I did need to, you would be the only person I would ever turn to –”