Nightmarish Sacrifice (Cardew) (46 page)

             
And, at the same time, there was another detail about him my intuition had assessed correctly: Cardew was as well in love with me...

             
This was why he himself had warned me about the danger...

             
But what his real desire was, I asked myself while trying to outline all his reasons to both be a threat to me and warn me about that – did he crave for my death or a delightful and exciting life which the two of us could share? Did he plan to offer me as a sacrifice to his unknown pagan gods, or would he be satisfied only if he could ensure me with a long happy life in the safety of his protection?...

             
Or rather – simply out of his reach?

             
Who was his destructive power directed against – me or his own self?...

             
What was he fighting for?...

             
I was so totally overwhelmed by the emotions that I was ready to struggle side by side with him, no matter what for – to do what I had to, even if it included my eternal death – I was ready to tuck the sharp knife in my own neck myself so as to save him the regrets later – only if I knew what his purpose was!...

             
Love had made me insane – and far less egoistic.

             
Not giving up my intense longing for finding out what direction he was aiming at, I grabbed his shoulders to fix my eyes into his point-blank, and gazed at him with the clear intention to reveal his secret – something I hadn’t done ever before.

             
And – to my utter stupefaction – Cardew didn’t block my access to his soul: his arms folded me in a loose embrace to make me more comfortable, and I relaxed my body and over-strained my mind.

             
This time Cardew and I had swapped our roles: he was the one who was opening up for me, and I was the diver exploring the depths of his soul, so I did my best to be as gentle as possible, more imperceptible than a whiff of fragrant breath. In the absolute silence, I could concentrate with crystal clarity on the spirit behind the gloomy mysterious grayness of the mirror his eyes were, and I could take my time to follow the fierce duel of two opposite powers devastating each other and getting stronger inside him.

             
The first one was introducing pale mild pearl-gray nuances into his irises – this softer colour was the embodiment of his enslaving yearning for my closeness, for the obsession of my love, of his strong instinct to become my protector and to always take care of me, to keep me safe from the icily dangerous outer world and to surround me with all the tenderness and comfort I could ever desire, to constantly make me happy in thousands of ways from the small sweet everyday gestures to the incomparable gift of his feelings, to caress me without the need to look for a reason to, to be with me every single second of his life...

             
This was his love.

             
Nonetheless, the second force – the one of his insanity – wasn’t yielding in their dead-set duel, and its strength was horrifyingly tremendous and stable.

             
Insanity – frustrating anguish of uncertainty, morbid hesitation, hidden suppressed fears and manias tormenting him – was hanging in his eyes like the graphite-dark overcast skies frowning above the mournful cold and sticky lands of a graveyard forsaken so long ago that nobody was remembering where exactly it had been anymore. I could see millions of unspoken fears in Cardew’s stare – fears which he had forced himself into believing that he had overcome by ignoring, fears whose existence he was denying even in front of himself, but which he indeed hadn’t managed to extinguish fully – overshadowing one another, they were slowly and ceaselessly merging into a constant silent dread stifling his soul and obscuring his perceptions...

             
Insane love.

             
Loving insanity.

             
Insanity and love...

             
Delicately not touching the past wounds his soul was marked with, I focused on those shades in his soul that were concerning me – and I was shaken to the depths of my own to see how many of his misgivings were because of me...

             
As if the oppressive apprehension that he was not good enough to possess me wasn’t enough, another major one was torturing Cardew among the various tiny details bothering his uneasy soul: the fright that I would get hurt...

             
Through his fault.

             
And – to my astonishment – I didn’t see the desire to hurt me in his eyes – only this ubiquitous fear that he would become the reason for my death... without wanting it.

             
Oh dear, how could the poor boy live with so many fears!? Even one of them was maddening enough to drive me totally not to my senses – but he was coping with all of them without giving even the slightest sign of what he was going through – he was so strong he wasn’t letting anything show or even merely touch the surface with an imperceptible naive kiss, but, right in that moment of truth for me, his hand slightly shuddered in mine and I knew that he was ready to explode each second.

             
If I wasn’t sure he would get offended by such an action, I would burst into genuine tears of deepest compassion – and I had always been a tough person for whom crying wasn’t coming easily, especially when not alone.

             
Well, maybe lately I was not the one who I was used to thinking I was...

             
“I won’t leave you!” I insisted like a stubborn child, and hurried to hide my face in his chest for a moment to gain full control over my emotions again before raising my head and caressing him with my eyes with caring tenderness. “I can’t, and I don’t even want to try – I love you –”

             
Cardew didn’t push me back when I attacked him with a consoling kiss, but his lips moved just faintly onto mine, as if he wasn’t ceasing the endearment only because otherwise he would hurt my feelings, and indeed he didn’t have the energy to really crave for the contact as usual.

             
“But you shouldn’t love me,” he sighed when I let him enough breath to speak, and rested my forehead back on his shoulder. “You shouldn’t, you just... can’t –”

             
Ferociously biting my lips so as not to let him sense how much the whole of me was trembling with the sobbing, I wrapped his neck with my arms and stayed silent, listening to the melody of his thoughtful voice as he was gently patting my back while arranging his thoughts.

             
“I can have feelings towards you because I know your personality –” he concluded, leaning on the coldest logic he could reach in this emotion-driven moment. “But how can you love me as you don’t know mine?”

             
I opened my mouth to protest, but let out just a sigh; I didn’t have a rational enough an answer to give him.

             
“Even I don’t know myself –” Cardew went on with his deep reflections, and I listened to the echo of his strong heart as it was beating with the rhythm of my own; his voice sounded distant, as if it was coming from another world, from another realm where only extraordinary unearthly creatures like him belonged – away, so far away... “In fact, I don’t know if I really have a self at all, as I’m constantly playing different roles and pretending – not so much on stage as in real life – then what if –” his hand gently slid up my neck to make me rise my chin, and I obeyed, fixing my eyes into his.

             
“What if somewhere there exists a real me and you wouldn’t love me if you knew it?” he whispered frankly and his breath brushed my cheeks with a silent caress.

             
It took me just a moment to find out the answer – irrational but certain.

             
“As you’re asking yourself such a question, you do care for me,” I smiled calmingly, not only because I was full of gratitude. “And this is what matters.”

             
“But you instinctively need safety – and someone strong enough to give it to you, to protect you –” Cardew insisted, the gray nuances of his eyes shimmering like transparent crystals. “And what if all my power is an illusion?”

             
“No –” I shook my head and laid my hands on his shoulders to reinforce the dramatic effect my words were to have on him. “Everybody is equally weak on the inside, just that some present their ruins as new castles and become kings – people like you –” I made a pause and let my pure limitless admiration for him show briskly in my eyes, so that he could relish it, or at least become consciously aware of it.

             
“I admire you,” I said it straight not to remain misunderstood. “For the person you are despite the hardships you have had... That boy Preston told me about your childhood –”

             
Cardew exhaled uneasily, but I was gazing at him with the most inoffensive shade of compassion which lacked any pity, so he didn’t push me back, but still looked away.

             
“Is this why you changed your attitude to me?” he asked barely audibly, the soft light of the small reading lamp on the night-table at the other end of the bed casting charming pallor on his neck he had bent. “You became... different recently, somehow more tender and lenient –”

             
“Did I let you down?” I bit my lips painfully; changing the way I was treating him had been risky, I had supposed it – and of course he had noticed it, but I couldn’t know if he was approving of it or not. “Maybe you miss the dynamics of the time when we used to play enemies, and you want me to be your ‘charmingly irritating rival’ again –”

             
“No!” Cardew stopped me gently, and his eyes returned on mine to calm me down as my voice had gone rough with worry; his tone was tender and consoling as he carried on, “In fact, it’s just the opposite – in the beginning, to me you were just a beautiful temptation – irresistible, for sure, an alluring luxury I was craving for so strongly that I was laying awake for whole long nights – but as well, this state would have passed quickly – and now –”

             
He smiled a bit dreamily, and I filled the pause he made with a quick but vigorous kiss.

             
“Now it’s not like that,” my boy went on, the tips of his fingers slightly tickling the back of my neck as if he was afraid I was made of fragile glass and could break from a more intense caress. “Our relationship has transformed into something deeper without losing from its tameless fire... Did this happen because of the change you made? I don’t know – but you are now a constant and obsessive need for me –”

             
Intoxicating and tenderly ardent, his words were giving me numerous thrills of the sweetest pride, and I was blissfully relishing them, half-closing my eyes while he was going on, pouring melodious caresses all over my senses thirsty for his sincere confessions.

             
“The more I am with you, the more I need you... And before I have never needed anything, anyone... I haven’t felt attached to anybody –” Cardew’s whispering tone was so irresistible that I felt as though I was a soft chocolate sculpture already melting in the merciless rays of the intense dark-orange afternoon sun, and was only craving for him to slowly sink his fingers into the enticing boiling-hot fluid I had turned into, to caress me...

             
“And –” he breathed out a sigh, and I kept quiet not to disturb the flow of his thoughts, my whole being shivering in strenuous anticipation as he gently caressed a long dark ringlet of my hair off behind my shoulder and carried on speaking after leaving an innocent dulcet kiss on my neck, “I don’t know why, lovely Freya, but I love the fact that you do understand me, that you do really care about what I might think that I am feeling – I, the one who is unable to sense any unfeigned emotions for real –”

             
Suppressing the aching noiseless sobbing quickly accumulating in my chest, I cuddled more tightly up to him, trustingly rising my face to let him read in my open sincere expression all the wordless support and unconditional adoration I was holding untouched for him, burning tameless in the heated core of my heart...

             
I would never be in the state to forget Cardew’s smile when he realized how everlasting my love was indeed: what bloomed in his eyes was a crystallized reflection of his soul’s sensations not hiding behind their mirror anymore but perceptible in his stare – it was pure goodness, tender caring adherence, and...

             
I could swear that there blazed a fraction of happiness, too...

             
“The concerned way in which your stunning eyes are watching me now is driving my heart to beat faster,” Cardew whispered under his breath, the magical moment of his smile enhanced by a silent delicate kiss he granted me with – attentively, gently, slowly – as if it was an abstract frail sculpture of the finest slight glass and a rougher movement would irreversibly scatter it all around the two of us into millions of sharp painful pieces.