Nil on Fire (39 page)

“Yeah, I do.” Calvin nodded. Then, unexpectedly, he grinned. “Nobody's faster than me. Hell, now I get to race fire.”

Or death
, Davey thought worriedly.

Smiling, Molly squeezed Calvin's hand, then blanched.

“Molly, what's wrong?” Davey asked.

“Nothing.” Molly tucked her hands tight into her lap. “Just thinking about that plan.” She looked up at Calvin. “You are fast, Calvin,” she said solemnly. “There is no one faster than you.”

“Looks like we have a plan, people.” Zane smiled broadly. “Operation Detonation is a go.”

 

CHAPTER

61

SKYE

37 DAYS UNTIL THE AUTUMNAL EQUINOX, MID-MORNING

“Skye.” Rives gently took one of my hands in his. “Look at me, please.”

I did.

“I don't know what's wrong or how I can help. You're fading away right in front of my eyes, like when we were back home, but here it's worse. Skye—” His voice cracked. “Let me in, let me
help
. Talk to me, Skye. Please don't shut me out.”

But I already had. I'd had to, because Rives was the one person who could break me completely.

“I love you, too. More than you know.” I closed my eyes and climbed inside my tiny room of pure white walls. The door closed; I was completely alone. Less hurt, less feeling. Less
me
. But at least here I could breathe. Exhaling slowly, I opened my eyes to Rives's pain-filled ones, knowing mine looked blank. “But right now this is about more than us. Trust me to know what the right thing to do is, okay? Trust me to do the right thing.”

“For us?” He barely breathed.

“For everyone.”

“That's what I'm afraid of.” The light left Rives's eyes.

For a moment, time stopped. Seconds fell, untouched, vanishing into the gulf growing between us.

“Rives!” Paulo's shout restarted the clock. “Got a minute?”

Rives dropped my hand, kissed my forehead, and left me sitting alone in the midst of a crowd. I walked to the ocean, drifting slightly north to a pile of black rocks that jutted out. Climbing onto the biggest one, I sat down.

I'd seen too much.

Too many hopes and dreams, too many loves lost, too many hearts broken and minds shattered. I'd seen beauty on a grand scale, and ugly on a microscopic one; I'd observed cruelty and kindness and courage and cowardice. I'd seen every visitor to Nil through Nil's eyes; I'd witnessed each visitor's journey. And I'd felt what Nil felt, mirroring us.

I'd felt the island's growth and change and horror and more.

I'd understood its evolution.

It. Was. Too. Much.

But I couldn't go back, and I couldn't stop
knowing
. New pathways had been forged, new memories seared permanently into place. I was the ultimate accidental voyeur, and I could hardly bear it. I'd never felt so insignificant in my own head—or so overwhelmed.

I dropped my head into my hands.

“Skye?” Thad touched my shoulder like the wind. “Are you okay?”

Not even close.

“No,” I said slowly, “I'm not okay. I thought it would get better. That the memories would fade. That the
pain
would fade.” I looked at Thad. “But it hasn't. And I don't think it ever will.”

Thad was silent at first.

“Rives is worried about you,” he said finally.

He should be
, I thought.

“I don't know what you're thinking,” Thad continued, “but if you need an ear, you can talk to me. I know Charley would be a better listener, but I don't totally suck.” His slight grin was crooked.

“Thanks.” I looked at him, seeing everything so clearly. “I know you still haven't forgiven me for being here. I understand why. But you truly have my word that I didn't mean for you or Charley or Rives to come back, or me either. But that doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be.”

Thad regarded me quietly.

“You need to get Nil out of your head, Skye. Don't listen to it. You're stronger than Nil. Block it out.”

“I wish I could,” I whispered. Thad couldn't understand, because he hadn't
seen
; he hadn't felt. Not like me. But I could show him one tiny drop of the ocean of memories swimming in my head.

Slowly, deliberately, taking care with each syllable and line, I recited words that weren't mine, each one brimming with the pain and desperation and hope saturating the memory behind it:

a cruel joke

a twist of fate

to meet you when it's almost too late

my days are numbered

my clock is ticking

shattered hopes are wounds I'm licking

you only live once

I get it now

I've lost my heart don't even know how

take it break it

don't want it back

I'm bleeding out the odds are stacked

for you I'd run

for you I'd die

c'mon Nil

just one more try

I fell silent.

Thad stared at me, stunned. “How could you know that? I wrote those lyrics in my head on my last night here while Charley was sleeping. I never told her, never wrote them down.
How could you know that?
”

“Like I said, I know everything. Saw everything.” My tone had grown detached. When someone else's memories spilled, there was little room left for me. “It's all here.” I tapped my head. “But the memories aren't mine anymore, Thad. And it's not just the memories; it's the emotion they bring. I can't shut it off. Can't shut it
out
.”
Not without shutting out me.

Thad still looked stunned, and slightly skeptical.

“One more?” I asked. Without waiting, I recited Thad's own words, desperate to get them out of my head.

barrel pointed

at my head

noon tells me

you want me dead

go on do it

squeeze the trigger

whispers

laughs

they're getting bigger

drop the gun

throw it down

I hate you

I own you

I'm your clown

hold up lash out

sling it back

run it

time it

I bet on black—

“Stop.” Thad's voice was hoarse as he cut me off. “I get it.” His expression had shifted to understanding and, if I wasn't mistaken, fear. “That's a lot of information.”

“You have no idea.” My tone was matter-of-fact.
How can I feel both hollow and saturated to the point of bursting?
I couldn't bear to be in my own head.

A moment passed where the only noise was the crash of waves.

“I didn't even know you played the guitar,” I said quietly. It seemed important, now.

“I do,” Thad said absently. He turned to me, all traces of resentment gone.

“Can I do anything?” he asked.

“Actually, yes. Do you remember how, on your Day Three Hundred Sixty-four last time, you asked Rives to have Charley's back if your last day didn't work out like you hoped?”

Thad's expression was wary. “Yeah?”

“I want you to have Rives's back. If the last day works out like I think it will, he'll need you. And you have to make sure he takes the equinox gate—before me.”

“Skye, no.” Thad's eyes widened in shocked comprehension. “Don't do this.”

“I don't have a choice. I'm the only one who can do what has to be done. Promise me, Thad. Promise me you'll have Rives's back. Promise me you'll make sure he lets me go.”

Thad understood that I was talking about more than the gate. He shook his head, over and over. “Please, Skye. Please don't do this. It'll kill him.”

“No, it won't. It'll save him. Promise me, Thad.”

“I promise.” His voice was dull.

“One more thing.” An image of Dai's trembling figure flashed through my head, and I felt terrible that I hadn't made him a priority before. “There's a boy on the sand of South Beach and he's fighting a fever. We need to send someone to help him before it's too late.”

Thad stood. “I don't know how much we can do for him.”

“We can make sure he doesn't die with only Nil for company,” I whispered. “We're better than that.”

“Okay, Nil slayer.” Thad's tone was heavy. “I'm on it.”

 

CHAPTER

62

RIVES

37 DAYS UNTIL THE AUTUMNAL EQUINOX, MID-MORNING

Something was wrong.

Epically wrong.

Something invasive and invisible had shifted in
this
world, and it threatened to obliterate
my
world. But it wasn't over. Another shift was coming, I just didn't know when. All I knew was that it was Nil-related and Skye-centered.

She had disappeared while Paulo organized a fresh team to gather heart pine and twine for Chuck to craft into an island fuse. Thad had vanished too. Somehow I wasn't surprised to find the two together, sitting on the rocks at the beach. A memory flashed: me giving Skye a bracelet on these same black rocks, her birthday wishes written in the sand.

Now her back was to me, a sign that spoke volumes.

Thad stood as I approached.

“Care for some company?” I asked.

Thad turned around, gesturing to the now-empty space beside Skye. He swallowed. “All yours, brother. I'm heading to South Beach. I'll catch you later, eh?”

I nodded, but my eyes locked on Skye. She faced the water, sitting too still for my liking. “What's going on?” I said as I sat down. “And please don't tell me nothing. I'm not stupid, Skye. Or blind. And I'm going out of my mind with worry.”

“I know.” Her words were soft. She turned toward me, her hands wrapped around her knees. “Do you remember what Maaka told you on the platform?” Skye's eyes were dark. Packed with emotion, yet unnervingly distant.

“He told me lots of things. Which one?” I said.

“About the fire. He specifically told you not to bring fire into the gate.”

Remember what I told you
, Maaka had warned me, the day before we took this trip. Had he known I'd be having this convo, right here, right now?

I wrenched myself back to the present.

“And?” I raised an eyebrow.

“We need to bring fire into the equinox gate,” Skye said unequivocally. “That's the second part of the equinox equation. We blow up the island from within by lighting the gas-filled cavern, and then we take fire into the gate.”

“We,” I repeated. Something tilted beneath me, cold and real. “You and me?”

She shook her head. Sadness flickered in her eyes, tempering the steel. “Not you,” she said quietly. “Me. This time I'm last.”

“No way.” I was on my feet. “Who knows what would happen! The gate could implode. It could
kill
you, Skye. Maaka specifically said
not
to do it.”

She nodded, her face too calm. “I know. Because he wanted to save you.”

The vision of Skye dead on Nil rock flashed through my head. Skye sat before me, eyes blank, voice hollow. I started to shake. “What are you saying, Skye? That you
want
to die? That you don't
care
if you die?”

She blinked slowly. “I'm saying that I know what I'm doing. That I'm doing what needs to be done. I should have been the last one through last time. This time, it
has
to be me. There is no other option.”

“Of course there is!” I exploded. “There are always options. Choices.”
Choose me
, my heart begged.

Her expression didn't change.

“You're telling me you're willing to die. For Nil.”

“Not for Nil, for everyone else.” Skye's voice was soft.

“Not for me.” My voice broke. “I want you to
live
.”

Skye said nothing.

“This isn't you talking,” I said abruptly. “It's Nil. Nil did something to you when you touched that water and you're not thinking clearly. This isn't your choice!”

Anger and hurt flashed in Skye's eyes, setting them on fire for one brilliant instant; in that moment, I recognized
my
Skye. “Of course Nil did something to me when I touched that water!” she snapped. “I saw everything! Every escape, every death. Every thought, every hope, every fear.
Every moment of suffering.
And if I have the chance to stop it from repeating, I have to do it. Don't you see that?”

I swept her into my arms and held her tight. “Yes and no. I see how you're driven to end it more than ever, but I don't see why you have to be the last one through. I won't lose you, Skye.”

Too late
, cackled the wind.

Skye didn't return my embrace. Didn't respond. I held her at arm's length, searching her eyes for the flash of fire I'd seen seconds before. It was gone. But my Skye was still in there, trapped.

“I'll find another way,” I vowed. “I refuse to lose you to this place. I refuse to lose you at all. You're my best friend. Remember our plans? Our future? You, the travel writer, and me, the photojournalist? That's us. You and me. Seeing the whole world together, not just this hellhole.” My eyes scoured her face, her eyes, the set of her shoulders, hunting for any trace of Skye.

Nothing.