Nix. (Den of Mercenaries Book 3) (31 page)

Trepidation filled her as she walked up those stone steps, but why was there
fear
? That was the last thing she should have felt confronting the man she loved.

It was a misunderstanding, she tried convincing herself.

It was all just a misunderstanding.

Kit’s voice carried through the door, the loudest she had ever heard him. He was on the phone, she could see once she cleared the door. There was a fire in his eyes as he swung his gaze in her direction.

The moment he saw her, he ended his call, tossing the phone on the table nearby. It didn’t matter that the person on the other end was still talking, his entire focus was on her.

And while once that might have thrilled her, he was too still—too assessing of her every step to make her think that it was because he was happy to see her.

Kit was on guard.

And with that thought, she realized that everything she had feared on the long drive back to him was true.

It was all true.

“What did you do?” she asked, the words like razors in her throat.

Had she not been looking for it, Luna might have missed the way he carefully blanked over his expression, revealing nothing.

She
hated
that look—such easy indifference in the face of her hurt. She couldn’t hide it, not if she wanted to, and the implication of that expression made her feel like he had shoved a knife into her chest and twisted.

“Tell
me
,” she uttered, furious with herself for begging.

“I didn’t know,” he finally answered, softer than she had ever heard him. “You—”

“Have to believe you?” There was a sort of numbness that was working its way through her, but not quick enough. Not before the pain of what he was admitting nearly took her breath her away.

But before she could say anything more, he was speaking again. “I didn’t know it was
you
, Luna. You have to believe that.”

“Is that supposed to make it better? Do you think that
absolves
you? It’s because you
didn’t
know who I was that …” she couldn’t find the right words, emotion clogging up her throat. There was so much she wanted to say that her thoughts were scrambled. “It’s the fact that you
didn’t
know who I was! How could you condemn someone to hell just because you’re upset with your brother?”

Kit wasn’t one to cast blame.

He didn’t mention his brother’s role in it, nor had Uilleam mentioned Kit. It seemed only appropriate that the two responsible for helping fuck up her life were covering for each other.

How could she have been so stupid
?

So blind to the truth that had been sitting right in front of her had she ever bothered to look. She couldn’t even use naïve as an excuse—gullible sounded far better.

How happily she accepted whatever they told her, only glad that she had been rid of Lawrence and nothing more.

And Kit … she had wanted his love.

Attention.

She wanted
him
.

Not once had she further questioned why she couldn’t reach out to her family, or ever go back there. His word had been law to her.

But no more.

That was done.

“You misunderstand,” he tried, this time successfully closing the distance between them.

“No,” Luna said holding a hand up, making it clear that he was as close to her as she would allow. “I didn’t misunderstand anything. You told me everything I needed to know. Now, we’re done here.”

The finality of her words struck him mute momentarily. Then, as though he was only now understanding what she was telling him, he gave a harsh jerk of his head.

“You promised you would never leave,” he said, and only now was she seeing emotion in him.

Not for what he had done, but because she was walking away from him.

“You promised you wouldn’t give me a reason to.”

A look of anguish crossed his face, but this time when he reached for her, she let him.

A moment, just one, was all she needed.

Luna wanted to be selfish, to remind herself that the dream had been just that.

That the smile she thought she knew, and the skin that she was so familiar had all been a lie.

It wasn’t real.

“I can fix this.”

That was probably true.

She had no doubt that if she nodded and agreed to let him fix it, make amends, or whatever it was he intended, she would forgive him. She would try and force herself to forget the knowledge she knew, but she couldn’t.

Because she didn’t want
him
to fix her, especially when he was a factor behind what happened to her.

“I’m leaving,” she repeated, and it didn’t matter that her voice wasn’t as strong as she wanted it to be, her words were loud enough for him to hear.

And they were enough to make him flinch.

“I didn’t
know
!” he said, composure cracking completely. “You can’t punish me for that.”

“I’m not punishing you, Kit. It’s not about
you.
”

Though it was.

It really was.

Yes, she was angry with Uilleam for the role he played—and words couldn’t describe what she was feeling toward her mother and sister.

Yet, Kit topped them all.

His betrayal had hurt the most.

But she couldn’t tell him that, not when it felt like her throat was closing up and she couldn’t catch an adequate breath.

Luna just needed to get out of there.

His wild gaze dropped to her hands as he noticed her movement, the way her fingers were toying with the ring that marked her as his.

“Don’t,” he said almost savagely. “Don’t you dare take that fucking ring off.”

God, just hearing him speak those words hurt.

Hurt
, like he had struck her because not once since he’d smiled and placed it on her had she ever thought that she would want it gone—that the sight of it would ever fill her with anything but joy.

Right now, it felt like a shackle.

“I love you, Kit,” she said, voice cracking at the end as she backed out of the room. “But I don’t think I ever want to see you again.”

Anguish like she had never seen before darkened his eyes, but it was the heaving breath that belied the real pain he was in.

“Luna, don’t. Please.
Please
.”

“You promised you wouldn’t follow—keep this one.”

The second she was clear of the door, she didn’t wait to see how he would respond to that, nor did she really look at him as tears burned her eyes.

She couldn’t bear to see it.

Almost to the bottom of the stairs, she jerked when she heard the sound of glass shattering against the wall, quickly followed by something else breaking.

With each possession he destroyed, the lump in her throat grew, the tears she’d been holding back finally spilling over.

The sounds of rage and destruction filtered outside as she threw the door open and rushed to her bike, not caring that she was leaving everything behind—there was only one thing she would have wanted anyway.

She didn’t know where she was going, only that she knew she needed to get away from him because she was seconds from going back to him.

But Luna was tired of being weak.

For once, she had to stand on her own.

“
B
reathe
.”

Luna was clenching her hands so tightly her nails had left indentations in her aching palms. So engrossed in what she was saying, she hadn’t felt the pain until Kit’s voice filtered in and brought her back to the present.

She never talked about the day she left him to anyone—she didn’t like to
think
about it. Because just as it had now, it only pained her in a way that it felt like her heart was breaking all over again.

As she looked at him sitting across from her, she could remember his visceral reaction at the knowledge that she was leaving him.

His anger and the ensuing rage he’d taken out on his possessions played in her ears as though it was happening all over again.

Luna wanted to feel that anger, that all consuming rage that had lit her up inside, but she only felt tired.

Drained.

She was just ready for this to be over.

Dr. Marie was looking between them, and despite her composure, she seemed at a loss for what to say.

“A moment, please,” Kit said to her, without taking his eyes from Luna.

It didn’t matter that this wasn’t his office, that he had no right to command Dr. Marie to do anything, but in that tone of his, Luna would be surprised if anyone
hadn’t
heeded his command.

A part of her was eager for Donna to leave, if only so they were alone. When had she started to want that? She had been running,
evading
him for so long now that it all felt like a blur of unhappiness.

Not even three weeks ago, she had wanted to avoid him at all costs, to prevent herself from falling back under his spell. It seemed only fitting that it was the Den—Uilleam and everything that came with him—that brought them back together again.

She didn’t know what she had come to expect by the end of this session. No part of her since the moment they stepped into this room believed that their problems would magically resolve themselves should they make it to the end of their hour.

Yes, there was more clarity and for once she felt like she was getting a broader view into that complicated head of his.

For the last hour, she finally felt like she understood him, though the notion baffled her considering she’d thought she had known him pretty well.

Or at least known him enough to make vows on the sunny shores of a beach in Bora Bora.

Kit stood the second Donna was out of the room, the door clicking shut quietly behind her. But he didn’t cross to her and invade her space, making demands.

Instead, he sat on the table directly in front of her, hands resting on his knees as he regarded her.

She hadn’t noticed at first, too lost in the tales of their love and heartbreak to see the change that had come over him.

In his quest to get her back, he had been kinder, gentler even than he had ever been in the years she had known him. And even during this session, he had offered secrets she was sure he wouldn’t give had she asked for them.

But, just as she had when she’d swallowed her pride and gone to see him to help Celt, that darker almost demanding side of him was now bleeding through—more so than ever.

She didn’t like it, not when it felt like he was breaking her will.

“What do you want, Kit?” she asked, voice barely above a whisper. She remained rooted in place, locked beneath his gaze.

“You,” he said in return, with absolute conviction. “But we both know this. The question is, what do
you
want,
mi pequeña luna
.”

How long had it been since he had used that pet name for her?

Just the sound of it made her ache for him. All the strength and resilience she had built up over the last several months undone by three little words.

Before when he had asked her that question, the answer was easy.

She wanted away from him.

She wanted to never see his face again.

And more than anything, she had wanted him to hurt the way he hurt her.

It ached when she left him, like someone had taken a knife to her chest and carved, but the spiteful side of her knew that it hurt him more.

“I didn’t know it was because of Uilleam,” she said, reminded of his words. “When I found out you had accepted a contract with my mother, I …”

“You thought I was trying to hurt you?”

Luna shook her head. “Not in the way you mean.” She knew he would never do something like that, not purposefully. “I thought you were trying to make a point—teach me a lesson—that business was separate from what we have—
had
.”

He noticed her slip, but he didn’t call her on it. “There are rules, even ones that I can’t break. It’s not about the enemy in front of you, it’s the one standing at your back that you can’t see. And if you think for a fucking moment that she’s not going to answer for what she did to you, then perhaps I haven’t shown you what you mean to me enough.”

No, she knew, though the notion may have slipped her mind in the midst of her hurt.

There wasn’t a single person that she could think of that hadn’t answered for the part they played in her being
here
, in this moment.

Not her father.

Not the men that had taken her to the warehouse.

Not Lawrence and his friends.

Uilleam too.

Even Kit, though it was she that was punishing him for his part, though now she wondered if he was punishing himself by keeping his distance.

“Who told you about the contract?” he asked, gaze searching her face.

“Does it matter?”

“To me? Yes.”

“Why?”

“Humor me.”

Though she wasn’t sure why it mattered, Luna told him anyway. “Someone of the Den.”

“
Luna
.”

“I don’t remember his name,” she said quickly, hearing the thread of impatience in his voice. “And he didn’t tell me, per se. He was talking about working a job out in California and happened to mention ‘the facilitator’ being out there as well working with the Contreras Cartel. I just happened to overhear him.”

“A coincidence then,” he stated, but he didn’t sound like he believed that at all. “So you’re not still in contact with Belladonna?”

Belladonna.

She hadn’t heard the name in years, not that she had given the woman much thought after the last time she saw her. Too lost in her own raging emotions.

“Why are you asking about her?” Luna asked. “You want to punish her for leading me to the truth?”

“I find it curious that she knew the truth at all, don’t you?”

No, Luna had never considered how the woman she knew. Despite how vast their world seemed to be at times, it was also incredibly small.

“But no, to answer your question, I don’t plan on harming her for telling you. You would have found out soon enough if Uilleam had had his way.” Kit took a breath, his phone’s vibrations cutting into their moment, but he ignored it.

That ache that had always been there where he was concerned flared again. “Kit.”

He looked at her when she said his name, and before she even had a mind to do it, she was reaching for him, finally giving in to her desire to touch him.

Over the span of an hour, she had relived every wonderful and terrible moment they shared together. When he had asked for permission weeks ago when she walked into his restaurant, kissing her in a way that reminded her that her heart was not her own, her guard had still been firmly locked in place.

Now, she felt naked. Exposed. Bare for him.

The anger was gone, she realized. Her annoyance with him had ceased the somewhere along the way and now she just hurt.

“Tell me what you want,” he said, taking her hand in his and turning it over, running the pad of his thumb over the sensitive skin at her wrist.

“I want you to fix it,” she answered, giving him the very thing he had asked of her before she had walked away.

“I will,” he said. A promise. “But I can’t promise in my quest to do it, you won’t get hurt again.”

“What?”

He held fast when she tried to pull away, his strength irresistible. “You have a job to do,” he said, “and I have my own.”

“But why does that matter now?”

That was the point of this therapy session, she thought. It was to resolve this.

“Uilleam has set things into motion that can’t be stopped—deals have been made. This, whatever this is with Carmen, needs to be seen through. And right now, we have to play the game the way it was set up.”

“But
why
?”

Kit’s lips quirked at the corner, almost a smile. “There are more players on the field.”

Luna sighed, collapsing back against her chair. “I’m so fucking tired of the games.”

“It’ll end soon enough.”

But not before she, or he, or they both got hurt by the end of it.

With all games, there was always a loser in the end.