No Deal Breakers (10 page)

Todd and Brian walked in, kicking snow off
their boots, followed by Christian and three of the younger
Erickson children, whose names she was having a hard time
remembering. She knew Christian was the oldest at home, and the
youngest two were Johnna and Joey, at one and three, and of course
after the incident she knew Mikey and Clara, but the names of the
three trailing in now eluded her.

"Emma and David told us what happened to
Michael, he going to be alright?" Todd asked as he made his way
across the room to his wife.

"Just a few cuts and scrapes, he’s had worse.
Did Sam find you, she said it was important?" She looked past Todd
to Christian, who was clearly trying to sneak past the adults
without answering any questions, he visibly cringed before
answering.

"Uh, yeah, she found me. She just needed to
talk for a few minutes, that’s all."

Brian gave Aria a meaningful look, and she
nodded in answer to his silent question, it was time for them to
go. Brian cleared his throat, cutting some of the tension that was
palpable between mother and son.

"Thank you guys for having us, we both really
enjoyed it, but we should probably get going, I think my parents
want to Skype with their new daughter in law." Aria cringed, they
said call, not video chat.

"Of course! Aria, it was so good to meet you,
you’re welcome to come over any time, I’m looking forward to
getting to know you better."

They exchanged goodbyes, and made their way
home. The rest of the day was calm and relaxing, Brian showed her
around the farm and introduced her to Thunder. It was warm enough
that they could walk around to look at the various buildings
scattered throughout the property, Jax came along and stayed right
on their heels. It was the most comfortable she had ever been with
a man, she couldn’t believe how easily Brian was tearing down her
walls.

She still couldn’t stand to have him touch
her, and thankfully he didn’t try, she was afraid that when she
held his hand at the restaurant that he would take that as a pass
to touch her whenever he liked, thankfully he seemed to pick up on
her need for distance and her unease with being alone with him. He
kept a comfortable distance, except for the brief Skype
conversation with his parents where they sat a little too close for
comfort, but that had been her idea. His parents were so kind and
giving, she didn’t want to do anything to hurt them, and she knew
that if they found out the truth of their marriage they would be
deeply hurt.

His parents had kept talking about how they
had prayed for Brian to find a good wife and partner, and how they
needed more grandkids. She knew she had to do everything in her
power to keep them from finding out what their marriage was really
like. The demands she was making of their beloved son would surely
crush them.

She swallowed hard, and tried to ignore the
guilt bubbling up inside of her as she got ready for bed.

"Good morning sleepy head," Brian turned to
offer her a smile as she made her way downstairs Friday
morning.

"Hey, cooking’s my job, if you beat me to it
how am I supposed to earn my keep?" She had made a point to beat
him to all of the cooking and cleaning in order to earn her own
way. It was painfully obvious that she wouldn’t be getting a job
anytime soon, with not knowing how to drive, and a serious lack of
public transit; she was stuck. Brian didn’t seem to mind at all,
but had offered to teach her drive several times anyway, he made it
clear that he just wanted her to be happy.

For the first time in her life she was
starting to feel happy. She could feel the ice around her heart
slowly thawing, and the walls she had built were getting more and
more holes in them as each day wore on.

"How many times do I have to tell you, you
don’t have to ‘earn your keep’ you do that just by putting up with
me," he flashed a dimpled smile, that had quickly become her
favorite of his smiles. "Besides, I like to cook, and you never let
me do it, I had to get up early just to make pancakes."

"Oh, yes, you’re so mistreated," she teased
with an overly dramatic eye roll as she perched on one of the
stools in the corner of the kitchen.

"Glad you see things my way. It’s our one
week anniversary; I had to do something special to surprise you."
Her heart picked up its pace, something that she had never felt
before, and it scared her.

"Are you going to celebrate every week of our
marriage?"

"No," she sighed with relief, she didn’t know
if she could handle extra spoiling every week in addition to
everything he had done for her every day. They were so uneven
already it was too much for him to do even more for her.

Brian flipped the last pancake on top of the
stack he had been making, and strode over to her, stopping just
inches from her, closer than he normally got, but still respecting
her space, that was just one more thing to add to her list of
things to admire about him.

"I don’t plan to celebrate every week of our
marriage; I plan to celebrate every day, every hour, and every
second of our marriage. Whether you like it or not I plan to
cherish you, and take care of you, and spoil you rotten. I plan to
honor the vows I made before you, God, and everyone at that little
wedding chapel. Marriage is a beautiful covenant ordained by God
Himself, and I plan to cherish every second of it, even with as
crazy as ours started out. It’s a gift, and I want to celebrate it.
I know you still don’t trust me, and that’s okay, I understand
that. I pray one day you can, and one day we can have a real
marriage, but until that day comes and every day after, I’m going
to do everything in my power to make this work, I want this to
work."

Her heart was in her mouth and the breath
caught in her lungs, his blue eyes shining bright, full of
sincerity, and determination bore into hers, and she couldn’t form
a reply, her mind was blank, and her mouth suddenly dry.

What did you say to that? She wanted to be
cherished by him, she wanted to have a real marriage with him, she
wanted to trust him completely, she wanted to love him, she wanted
a happily ever after with Brian. She knew that she could never have
those things, she didn’t deserve those things, not with who she was
and what she had done, and she knew that when Brian found out about
her past he wouldn’t want her. She didn’t deserve him; he was too
good for someone like her.

She swallowed hard and held back the tears,
demanding the stinging to stop, her gaze dropped to the floor, she
let out a deep breath and responded as honestly as she could; "I
want to trust you, I do, I’m just…I can’t, and I hate that I can’t.
You are the best man I’ve ever known, and I don’t deserve you." She
finished in a whisper that she wasn’t even sure he heard.

"You are an amazing woman, Aria, I don’t know
who hurt you or why, but seeing you like this, with your walls up,
defensive and scared breaks my heart and makes me want nothing more
than to hunt whomever it was down and teach them some manners. I
know you can’t trust me yet, it’s only been a week, I know whatever
happened to you, whatever wounds you have are going to take time to
heal, when you’re ready, I’m here, and I want to help you heal. We
have our entire lives ahead of us to get to know and trust each
other. I never want to push you. I’m sorry if what I said upset
you, I just want to always be honest with you." She was shocked by
how well he read her, he was more perceptive than any man she had
ever known. She was careful not to let on about her past, yet he
knew, well, he didn’t know the worst of it, but he knew that she’d
been hurt, he knew she had a lot of healing to do.

What he didn’t know was that she was broken
beyond repair, she desperately wanted to be able to heal, and to do
it with him, but she couldn’t, she was too far-gone. Looking in his
eyes told her that he was being completely honest, and that he
desperately wanted to heal her and care for her, she knew she could
and should trust him, she just couldn’t bring herself to, she knew
she didn’t deserve him. He was a truly good man, and any woman was
a fool to not see that.

"Kara is an idiot," she said with a smile,
attempting to lighten the suddenly intense mood. His low chuckle
told her she had succeeded. He turned back to the stove, and began
placing breakfast on the table, she jumped up to help him, they set
the table in silence, and it wasn’t until after Brian prayed and
they started to eat that he picked up the earlier conversation.

"Kara didn’t mean to hurt me. I can see that
now, catching my fiancée in bed with another man and finding out
that I’d been the other man the whole time tore my heart out; I
really thought I loved her. I realize now that I didn’t really, I
cared for her, but it wasn’t real, it never would have been right
between us. Kara and Gus had fallen in love when they were just
kids, but her father wouldn’t hear of the relationship. Gus was
their housekeeper’s son, and now he’s just a paltry auto shop
owner, nothing compared to the standards that her father has set
for his children. He approved of me, but even I only barely met his
standards, he had tried setting her up with every wealthy eligible
bachelor on the entire East Coast, but she’s really in love with
Gus.

"When she met me and realized that I was a
devout Christian that didn’t want to live together or have sex
before marriage, she decided I’d be a good cover for her and Gus.
She kept putting off the marriage, she didn’t want to cheat on Gus,
but her father kept threatening to cut her off and send her away.
I’m not saying it was the right way to go about it, but I
understand, and I do forgive her, it took time, but I can honestly
say I forgive them for their deceit."

That was a lot to process, if Kara came from
the kind of money Brian had hinted at then she had no problem
believing him, she knew first hand that most of those men were
ruthless and power hungry, and only care about status and money.
What stuck out to her most was that he once again implied that he
was a virgin, he definitely didn’t want her, then.

That thought was a punch in the gut, she knew
that if he ever found out who she was and what she had done that he
would kick her out on the street, even good people have their
limits. Good Christian men that forgave adultery and held onto
their virginity, and valued marriage didn’t want whores like her.
She couldn’t go down that road with him, so she picked another
question that stuck out to her.

"So, if you forgive them, then why were you
so upset last week?"

He sighed heavily, "I was more upset about
the loss of the idea of marriage and a family. Honestly, looking
back that’s what I was clinging to with Kara, I knew in my gut that
we weren’t meant to be, but I wanted a family, the yard, the white
picket fence, the whole thing so badly that I clung to the idea of
a happily ever after that would never come with her."

Her breath caught, Brian really wasn’t like
other men. He desperately sought what other men ran from. And she
took it from him, she stole his life from him, she couldn’t stand a
reassuring hand on her shoulder, how would she ever be able to give
him the children he desired and the love he deserved?

She was selfish and only focused on escaping
her old life, she didn’t even stop to think about what this would
cost him. She had never felt so dirty or worthless in her life, she
wanted desperately to give him what he deserved, but she just
couldn’t. If only her mom had lived, if only her dad hadn’t met
Jack, if only…

The rage burned through her, she wanted to
hunt down every man that had made her this way, every man that had
used her, sold her and bought her, every man that had ever treated
her like property.

It wasn’t fair, how could the God Brian loved
so much do this to her, to Brian. She knew she was useless garbage,
but Brian, Brian was the best man she’d ever known, he didn’t
deserve this. He didn’t ask for this. He deserved better, he
deserved a wife and kids, he didn’t deserve her. She wished she
could go back to before she left, flip the switch back off, and
turn back into that person for Brian. The person that could be
touched and used…but she knew that Brian wouldn’t want her as that
person, she saw it in his eyes a week ago when they met.

She was trying to be that person when she met
him, and the look in his eyes as they talked at that restaurant
told her that person was the last person he wanted. When he asked
to marry her she thought she could do it, she thought she could be
the wife he needed, endure the touches he wanted, but when they
were alone she realized she couldn’t.

The switch flipped on as soon as they got in
the taxi, he looked at her like she was a person, a person he
respected and could care for, and in that moment she knew she
couldn’t be that person anymore. She couldn’t be used, she couldn’t
be an object any more. She couldn’t keep her emotions off anymore,
she couldn’t shut off and leave her body any more. She should have
left when he asked her if she wanted to, she should have gotten out
as soon as she knew she couldn’t be his wife. She was so focused on
getting out, on changing and being a woman someone could love that
she didn’t even give a thought to how it would affect him. Brian
had helped her turn her emotions back on, and made her feel like
someone worthy of him.

But she wasn’t. She never would be worthy of
Brian Harris. Even with her emotions turned on, and being present
in the moment, she still wasn’t worthy of him. The things she had
seen and done made her trash compared to him. She deserved to be
who she was, she never should have left, never should have put
Brian in this situation.

"Aria, sweetheart, what’s the matter?" She
was shaken from her thoughts and looked up to see Brian staring at
her with sympathy and compassion.