No Regrets: A Novel of Love and Lies in World War II England (The Thornton Trilogy Book 1) (15 page)

“I won’t be bitter. I’m not angry. As I said before. It isn’t your fault. You can’t help your feelings. You’ll always mean the world to me. I want you to be my special friend for the rest of our lives. I’m glad I know Elise. She’s a special person. If you love her, I’ll love her, too.”

Sloan’s heart soared. That was what he’d hoped to hear. Finally, Anne understood. He truly wanted them to be friends, although it would have been perfectly understandable if she’d turned on him with vengeance. Many women would have. He reached across the table and took her hand.

“Thank you for accepting this so graciously. We’ll always be the dearest of friends. I look forward to someday seeing you filled with happiness, because you’ve discovered I wasn’t wrong. I know life holds great joy for you.”

“I’ll be all right, Sloan. Go and do what you have to do. Don’t worry about me.” She smiled. A truly lovely smile. All appeared to be right with the world.

***

When they parted that night, Sloan’s heart was much lighter than it had been at the beginning of the evening. He still had to face his parents and dreaded that scene, but at least he could tell them that Anne had accepted what he’d had to say, and that they’d vowed to always be friends.

As he entered the house, his parents were still seated in the drawing room. As usual, Lady Celia was knitting, and Lord Rowan was smoking his pipe, reading the
London Times
. Both looked up expectantly when he came into the room.

“Hello there, Son. Did you have a good evening? Did you and Anne set a date? Your mother is anxious to speak with Caroline about wedding plans.”

Caroline was Anne’s mother. Both women had been waiting anxiously for the happy news that would set into motion a flurry of exciting preparations. Sloan sat down in a chair across from his parents.

“No, Dad. We didn’t set a date. She’s released me from the engagement. There will be no wedding plans. I’m sorry to disappoint you this way. I know how fond you are of Anne. I understand how much you’ve both counted on our marriage, but I can’t make such a commitment. I simply don’t love Anne in that way. I think of her as a sister. That’s the simple truth. I wish I could love her enough to marry her, but I can’t make that happen.”

Lord Rowan sat up straighter, and Lady Celia put down her knitting.

“Please say you’re not serious,” his mother said. “We love Anne like our own. I’ve always thought the two of you would marry.”

“Perhaps that’s one of the problems, Mother. You and Caroline Whitfield got it into your heads, when Anne and I were just toddlers, that someday we’d marry. You used to talk about it to both of us when I was still in short pants. It was always assumed. If there hadn’t been a war, I probably would have married her by now. But there
was
a war, and it gave me time to think. I don’t love her in the proper way for marriage. It’s as simple as that.”

“But Son, shouldn’t you spend some time with her, now that you’re home again? Of course the war has brought about confusing feelings. I remember when I served. It seemed like everything in my life was different. But you’ll settle in again. The old routine will be re-established. You need to give it time.”

“No, Dad. I don’t want the old routine. I now understand how contrived it was. I
am
happy to be home again. Of course I’m pleased to be with you and Mother. But I have no intention of marrying Anne.”

Lady Celia threw her hand to her breast. “Sloan, why are you talking this way?”

“I want time to think. To decide how I want to live my life.”

“Son, you haven’t much choice about how you live your life. Do you mean to say you would refuse your inheritance and leave
Highcroft Hall
?”

“No. No. Of course not. Nothing like that. But since I’m certain I have no intention of marrying Anne, I need to rearrange my thinking. I believe I’ve found someone who’s meant to be with me.”

“What the devil do you mean?”

“Father, I mean that I believe I’ve found my soulmate. That’s something I’ve never said out loud before. But I’ve thought about it for years. I believe god meant for me to find the one special person he wants me to spend the rest of my life with. It isn’t Anne.”

“Sloan, you’re talking foolishness. Something has happened to your thinking. Perhaps you should talk to Father Powers. After all, he
is
an Anglican Priest. He’s trained to counsel on these matters.”

“Mother, I don’t need Father Powers, and there’s nothing wrong with my mind,” Sloan laughed. “Have the two of you never thought that you’re soulmates? Can either of you imagine being married to someone else? Was there anyone in either of your lives whom you considered marrying, before you met each other?”

“Well - no. We made the decision very quickly. When we met, we were certain about how we felt. Our parents weren’t happy about our rush to the altar. But we were right, weren’t we Rowan?”

“Yes, of course, dear. I’m not quite sure what to say to you, Sloan. I suppose if that’s what you believe, there’s no point in trying to convince you differently. It just seems quite cruel to have kept Anne waiting for so long, only to break her heart.”

“We’ve had a long talk. Anne is hurt, naturally. But she understands. She was wonderful about it. I
did
write to her midway through the war, releasing her from the engagement. She chose not to tell her parents or you. I
do
feel very badly. But as she says, I can’t help my feelings. We’ve vowed to always be the best of friends. I couldn’t ask for her to be more harmonious about the entire thing. I made clear what I believe. I explained that I’ve been through a lot of trauma and need time to adjust. But she understands completely that there’s no future for us, other than as friends.”

“Well, you definitely couldn’t have married her feeling as you do. If you don’t love her, we’ll have to accept it. You do understand that the entire village will be indignant about this. Everyone loves Anne. There will be few people who’ll be able to see why you wouldn’t want to marry her.”

“I know that, Mother. To make matters worse, I have to tell you something else. The girl, who I’m certain is my soulmate, lives here in Thornton-on-Sea.”

“She lives here? Who? How? I don’t understand a whit of what you’re telling us.”

“You know her. Her name is Elise. I believe she makes her home with your lady’s maid.”

“Giselle? Yes, Giselle does live with Elise. Elise is a widow. She has a child, Chloe. How can this be? Elise and Giselle didn’t even live here until after you’d left for the war.” She was silent for a moment, and then a light came into her eyes, as reality dawned upon her. ”Oh my goodness! I nearly forgot. Elise is the girl who bandaged your wound, and saved your leg. But, that was a brief encounter, Sloan. You don’t really know her.”

“I know. It’s a long story. I met her in France at Dunkirk. The moment I laid eyes on her, I knew – I just knew. I can’t explain it. She makes me whole. I’m sure of it. She and Anne have become friends. You probably know that. It’s all very strange, isn’t it? That convinces me all the more that it’s god’s work. I have to see her. She knows I’m returning from the war. Anne tells me that Elise has no feelings for me, but I won’t believe that until I’ve had the chance to prove to her I’m not a madman. I’m afraid I got rather carried away when I met her in France. I scarcely knew her, yet I blurted out that I believed she was my soulmate.”

“Well, this is truly astonishing,” said Lord Rowan. “What can I say? You seem to know your mind. There’s no point in arguing with you. You’ve earned the right to be happy. We shall stand by you, no matter what others say. We’ll support your wishes. We do know Elise. I personally think she’s a fine girl. So does your mother.” Lord Rowan placed his pipe in its rack and reached out his hand to Lady Celia. “Come along, dear. Life has a way of leading us where we need to go. Sloan will be all right. He has a good head on his shoulders.”

Together, the two middle-aged people walked toward the stairs. Sloan heaved another sigh of relief.

***

Anne, on the other hand, climbed the stairway to her room and threw herself upon the bed. She was filled with rage and indignation. She wished that she could rant and rave at the top of her lungs.

“How dare he treat me like this? How
dare
he?
Soulmate
! What daft foolishness. He’s suffering from some sort of mania.” She was incensed. She’d never felt such fury. “He won’t get away with this. Let him dare to bring his wretched soulmate to
Highcroft Hall
as a countess. Just let him dare. I’ll make certain Sloan erases these idiotic ideas from his head. Oh, he’ll pay
. He will pay
.”

No matter that Anne had led Sloan to believe she’d accepted his change of feelings. She was every bit as angry as she’d been when she’d received his letter in 1942. She still wanted to hurt him as much as he’d hurt her. And she would. She vowed with all of her heart that she would. Anne wasn’t a fool. Sloan wouldn’t know of her wrath. She wouldn’t blow her top, or erupt into a frenzy. She’d remain calm. He’d think she was sweetness personified. But God help him. He would regret what he had done.

After a week with his parents, Sloan left Thornton-on-Sea bound for London, where he planned on refurbishing his wardrobe. He was sick to death of wearing his uniform. He had an appointment with his tailor and reservations at the
Grosvenor House Hotel
. Then, he would return to his home village and, at long last, contact Elise. The week he’d spent at
Highcroft Hall
, after seeing Anne and confessing his feelings to his parents, were fraught with turmoil. The celebration that had been planned for his return, with a band and parade, was abruptly cancelled when word reached the Mayor that his engagement to Anne had been broken. Anne strolled about town, acting as though she was perfectly all right, but all of the villagers rightly assumed she was hiding her heartbreak behind a façade of pride. Sloan, when venturing out of
Highcroft Hall
, was actually spat upon by a number of women, and heads were turned as he walked along the cobblestoned streets. He took to cocooning himself inside the walls of the great estate. Even his parents were looked upon with disdain. Anne’s parents were outraged. He had a visit from her father, Lord Adrian, who threatened to horsewhip Sloan for his abysmal conduct.

Thus, Sloan was glad for the trip to London. For a man who’d only recently returned from the one of the worst wars the world had ever seen, what he was experiencing in his beloved home village was almost as disturbing. He’d never dreamed people he’d known from childhood would turn upon him. He intellectually understood the feelings of villagers, but their actions were emotionally devastating. Sloan prayed Anne would move on with her life. He wondered how long it would take for her to find the partner who’d make her understand that he was right. He could only stay focused on one goal – that of seeing Elise again. As he stood on the station platform, his heart ached for his mother and father. They stood with bowed heads, trying not to show disappointment in him, nor to reveal the pain and heartbreak he had caused. They were at a loss to understand any of it.

“Sloan, darling, please don’t be gone long. It shouldn’t take but a few days to buy the items you need. The tailor will send whatever you order. We’ve been apart for so long. I hate seeing you leave again.”

Lady Celia looked as though she might weep.

“Of course I won’t be gone long, Mother.”

He bent down and kissed her. She seemed to have grown frailer during the short time he’d been home. She was such a kind lady, and he’d never heard her speak a harsh word about another human being. Perhaps he’d modeled his soulmate upon Lady Celia. A striking beauty as a girl, she was still uncommonly attractive. In her fifties now, her golden hair streaked with silver, and lines showing the anxiety she’d experienced through two world wars, her eyes were still as blue as a young maiden’s. She was the epitome of a genteel lady.

Sloan turned to his father – the man whom he idolized beyond all others. He was the height of gentility, and Sloan could think of nothing the man had ever done, in his lifetime, that might have brought shame upon the family. He was the same height as his son, and there wasn’t an inch of excess weight anywhere on his body. Anyone who had ever met Rowan Thornton knew he was a man of honour. Sloan was chagrined at the disgrace he’d brought upon the family name and the way he’d let his parents down.

“Dad, I’m sorry. I know I’ve caused you and Mother distress. I’d do just about anything not to have done so. But I cannot marry a woman I don’t love, simply to please others. The mistake lies with the fact that I ever asked Anne to marry me. I was too young and naïve. None of us had any idea how many years the war would last, or of the changes I’d undergo. Surely you understand the impossibility of going through such a deplorable experience without coming away changed. I’m not the same person.”

“I know that, Son. I wasn’t the same when I returned from France in the Great War. Fortunately, I hadn’t stopped loving Celia. But, we were already married, and there was never a question as to whether I loved her. I don’t blame you for feelings you can’t change. The world is a strange place. People like a cause. This village is no different. There are probably many men living here who wish they hadn’t acted hastily and wed women whom they later realized weren’t meant for them. Society’s attitude seems to be that if
they
can do such a thing, so can
you
. I’ve had time to sort this through. You’re entitled to a good life. Go and find it. Your mother and I love you. It’s not for others to tell you what they think you should do.”

“Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Dad. I absolutely promise that what I’m doing isn’t a whim, nor a fruitless effort to make fantasy into reality. I’m very certain about my feelings. I know what I’m doing, and your support means the world me.”

He shook his father’s hand and clasped him to his chest. It was unusual behavior for both of them, since they were generally rather reserved when it came to a show of affection.

“You and Mother have met Elise. You’ve told me you think she’s lovely. Can it be surprising that I’d be in love with her?”

“No, not at all. It’s just the way it seems to have happened, and the fact that you don’t really know her.”

“That will be rectified,” Sloan smiled.

The train chugged into the station, and he gathered his belongings. He had one bag with uniforms and another empty one. It was meant to accommodate purchases he’d make in London. Kissing his mother one last time, he boarded and readied himself for the journey.

***

Upon arrival in London, Sloan settled into his hotel room. Then, he decided to pay a visit to his club, which he hadn’t seen in years. He had no idea whether there would be even one soul whom he might know. No matter. It was a quiet place to escape the crowds of the city, enjoy a drink, and do some reading.

He didn’t recognise anybody. Sloan ordered a neat Scotch and found a quiet corner next to the bookshelves. Sorting through the extensive collection of leather bound tomes, he extracted a volume of Dostoevsky. It was heavy reading. But, he’d made a firm resolve, during the war, to plough his way through all of the classic literature he’d only skimmed while at university. It was hard going in the beginning, but before long he found himself engrossed in the writing. Thus, he was startled when someone tapped his shoulder. He glanced up, and to his great surprise, saw a close friend from Oxford, who’d also recently returned from duties as an officer in the war.

“Sloan Thornton! Great to see you, old boy. What are you doing in London? I figured you’d be luxuriating back at your family’s estate,” Elliott Woodbridge exclaimed.

“Elliott! I can’t believe it’s really you. When did we last speak? Surely, it was before the war. I’ve been to Thornton on-Sea already. I’m in London to order new clothing. Nothing in my cupboard at home fits. How about you?”

“London is home now. I’ve joined my father’s firm of solicitors. It was always the plan. I understand about the wardrobe. I went through the same thing. I wish I could join you for a drink, but I’m just on the way back to my office. It’s wonderful to see an old friend. Where were you during the war?”

“I was in North Africa for quite a spell after Dunkirk. Did you know I was RAF? Then, later I was in Italy. I didn’t get home for the entire duration.”

“I was BEF. I was all over the place. The last was the Battle of the Bulge. Bloody awful situation wasn’t it? The whole muddle, I mean.”

“Quite. I had some narrow scrapes. I imagine you did too. I feel fortunate to be in one piece. I’m appalled at the condition of London, especially the East End.”

“I’ve spoken to some of the boys who fought during the Blitz. God, what a job they did.”

“Yes,” Sloan replied. “I knew fellows who were in that fight. I almost wish I had been. They were the real heroes.”

“As well as those who fought on D-day,” answered Elliott.”

“I was one of those,” answered Sloan. “That was my last stand. Bloody horrible. Thank God for the Americans.”

“Absolutely,” Elliott replied. “Weren’t you supposed to be getting married when the war ended? That’s the last news I had of you.”

“Ah yes - well, that’s a long tale. I’m no longer engaged, and the wrath of God has befallen me. The girl’s father has threatened to horsewhip me.”

“’E Gads! Is that why you’ve escaped to London?”

“Partly, to be honest. People who pass me on the street have actually spat upon me. I’m the world’s most despicable scoundrel for releasing her from the engagement. But I couldn’t do it, Elliott. The war made an enormous difference in my thinking. I realized I wasn’t in love with her in the proper way. I think of her as a sister – she was a childhood playmate, after all.”

“I haven’t been to the altar yet, either. But I’ve never even made it as far as a proposal. From what you’re saying, it’s a damned good thing I didn’t. So, we’re both free. Why don’t we make the rounds in London and see what we’ve been missing?”

Elliott was a very good-looking chap. He’d always been able to nab any girl he set his sights on. Yet, he was a decent sort. To Sloan’s knowledge, Elliott had never taken advantage of his outstanding appearance. The two hadn’t been extremely close friends at Oxford, but were more than simple passing acquaintances, too. Everyone had known who Elliott was.

“Thanks for the invitation to do the town, but I don’t feel in the mood. I’d love to get-together again though – perhaps for dinner. I’ll be here a week. I’m at the
Grosvenor House
. Ring me, and we can set a time.”

“I’ll do that, Sloan. I have to rush back to my office now. I just popped round for lunch. I can’t tell you how terrific it was to run into you. I’ll surely give you a ring and see you soon.”

They said their goodbyes, and Elliott left. Sloan went back to reading his book, looking forward to a lengthy conversation with an old chum. He wasn’t sure whether he would tell Elliott the full story of his quest for Elise, but he suspected it might be good to talk it over with someone his own age.

***

Sloan and Elliott did meet a few nights later, at a pub they’d both enjoyed as far back as undergraduate days. Sloan did go through his entire story, from the moment he’d met Elise to the present.

Elliott didn’t react as though he thought Sloan had lost his mind. In fact, his response was the complete opposite. He told Sloan that he shared his beliefs about soulmates.

“That’s one reason I’ve never come close to marrying. It has to be right, and it never has been. I’ve met some wonderful, charming girls. Pretty, nice and bright. But something has always been missing. It’s interesting to be having this conversation. I wonder how many other chaps feel this way, but never say it aloud? Probably more than anyone suspects.”

“I’ve never thought of that, but I’d bet you’re right. People seem to grow uncomfortable with the subject. I don’t know why. Perhaps men aren’t supposed to fantasize. It seems to me all women dream of soulmates. But, those I’ve known seem to believe that every man they meet is their soulmate. I think that’s the way Anne felt. I’m positive I wasn’t the right man for her. But, until she finds someone else, she’ll never believe that.”

“What a shame. She’s wasting her life. The correct man could be right in front of her eyes.”

“What sort of girl are you searching for Elliott? Do you have a picture in your mind of what she’d be like?”

“Certainly. Of course, she’ll be attractive. At least to me. I prefer brunettes – sultry, spunky, and sexy – you know the type. I’m not so worried about whether she’s aristocratic. But, I do want a lady. Do you understand?”

“Of course. Many ladies aren’t aristocrats. Elise isn’t an aristocrat, but she’s certainly a lady.”

“Exactly,” Elliott responded. “But I like a woman with gumption. You know, someone who can match me in an intelligent conversation. I can’t abide a simpering fool.” He laughed aloud.

“I’m not as keen on the intelligence aspect,” Sloan replied. “Not that I want a dunce,” he smiled. “But sometimes very intelligent women cause me discomfort. You were always more confrontational, if I remember. Weren’t you on the debate team at Oxford?”

“Yes. I like a good give-and-take of ideas. So much the better if it could be with my life’s partner. But I also look for kindness and empathy. Loyalty, of course. Charm, wit, grace – I’m looking for a lot, aren’t I?”

“Aren’t we both? I guess the only difference between us, aside from the descriptions we give of our imagined soulmates, is that I firmly believe I’ve found mine.”

“Tell me about her. You’ve given me details about how you came upon each other, but what’s so extraordinary about her to convince you of her certain place in your life?”

Sloan rummaged around in his breast pocket, and produced the pitifully worn photo of Elise. He laid it on the table in front of them. “Naturally, her appearance plays a part. All of my life, I had a notion of what the lady, who God intended for me to fall in love with, would be like. I’ve literally
seen
her in my dreams. When I first set eyes on Elise, I thought I
was
dreaming. She so perfectly matches the woman I’ve seen in my imaginings. She’s breathtaking. Absolutely breathtaking. Lovely masses of golden curls spill down to her shoulders and beyond; she has picture-perfect features, and a face like an angel. One almost expects a halo. She has eyes that defy description. Bluer than the bluest sea, yet fringed with the longest, darkest lashes I’ve ever seen. Lips that are the colour of a beautiful baby’s mouth, or the softest, pink rosebud. Well, you can see from the photo.”