Noble Hearts 03 - The Courageous Heart (35 page)

“Oh you’re sorry alright.” Aubrey arched an eyebrow but som
ehow he knew she wasn’t angry.

Aubrey
wasn’t angry with him anymore. He’d never felt so liberated.

“I’m not proud of the man I was,” he confessed from the depths of his soul. “It’s my own fault that I lost everything. Toby tried to tell me, again and again. He stood by me when no one else would, long after he should have.” Realizing the injustice of the life he’d given his best friend tortured him. He broke down, grabbing Aubrey’s hand with both of his and dropping his forehead to it as he cried. “It was all my fault
and now he’s gone
.”

“I know,” Aubrey said, voice cracking. “We all knew.” She stroke
d his head with her free hand.

“I miss him, Aubrey. I miss him so much that I can hardly breathe. I don’t understand. I didn’t love him the way he loved me, but I miss him more than any lover I’ve ever had. Except Joanna.”

“He was your friend, Ethan.” Aubrey continued to stroke his bowed head, tears filling her eyes. “Friendship is love.”

Ethan shook his head, his whole body weak and aching with sorrow. “It’s my fault that he died. Joanna is right, I killed him.”

“No you didn’t. We
all knew that Toby followed you because he was devoted to you, not because you forced him to.” She paused to laugh faintly
and sniff
. “Toby may have been the one person
who
you didn’t lead on with false promises. He followed you because it was the only thing he’d ever wanted to do.”

“He saved my life,” Ethan confessed, voice hollow at the memory. “In the Holy Land. He saved my life.”

“Of course he did,” Aubrey grinned.

Ethan shook his head. “No, you don’t understand. At Jaffa. We were injured. A knight named Baldwin and I. He could only save one of us.” For a moment Ethan could hear the roar of the battlefield, smell the blood and the sand. He conjured Baldwin’s face, smiling and laughing as Toby told them both stories of home. Toby and Baldwi
n had been fond of each other.

The implication of everything he knew now fit itself over those bittersweet memories. “Oh my God,” he whispered, heart falling apart in his chest. “He chose to save me.”

“Sounds like you owe him a lot.” A slight frown twitched on Aubrey’s brow.

Ethan glanced up to meet her eyes. “I owe him more than anyone will ever know, more than I can ever repay.”

“You’re right,” Aubrey agreed with a shrug. “You can never repay him. But you might try to live for his memory once in a while.”

“I do,” he replied but without conviction. “At least I thought I did.” He looked up to meet Aubrey’s eyes again. “Aubrey, I don’t know what to do.”

Her lips twitched. “About what? Joanna?”

“About anything.” He sighed. “I love her, Aubrey.
I can never repay Toby, but I can give
Joanna everything she deserves.”

A smile spread into Aubrey’s eyes but came out as a smirk on her face. “I’m interested to know what you think Joanna deserves.”

“She deserves to be loved,” he spoke, the truth coming clear to him. “She deserves to be loved like she wanted me to love her all those years ago. She deserves a home and a family, someone as devoted to her as Toby was to me.”

“Yes, she does.” Aubrey leaned back in her chair, arching an eyebrow. “Do you think you’re even capable of that?”

He wanted to answer yes but he couldn’t form the word. “I have to try. I love her. Nothing else matters.”

“I beg to differ,” Aubrey huffed a laugh. “If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in this life, one thing that you taught me, Ethan, it’s that loving someone is far from enough to make them happy or bring them closer to you. I didn’t marry Crispin because I loved him, but he loved me from the very beginning. He won my love with the strength of his devotion, and because the whole time he was working for what I wanted, whether I knew it or not.”

Ethan lowered his head. “He’s a better man than I am.” It hurt to admit.

“Yes he is,” Aubrey went on. “And so is Jack. Jack and Madeline were in love at first sight, but he was willing to sacrifice that for a higher cause, for the good of the people of Derby. He didn’t stop to think about himself or what he wanted. Not once. Can you say the same?”

“No, I can’t.”

Aubrey leaned forward and spoke softly. “You tell me you don’t know what to do? The answer is simple. Stop thinking about what you want and work for what Joanna wants.”

“And she’ll love me if I do that?”

Aubrey si
ghed and shook her head. “
I don’t think you are capable of thinking of anyone other than yourself.”

“But-”

“If you really love her, if you really want to make amends for everything you’ve done and repay Toby for his sacrifice, then you shouldn’t be worried about whether she loves you or not. You should be content to let her be with whoever she
wants to be with
, whoever will make her happiest. Even if that’s King Richard himself.”

A voice within him complained at the idea. If he was going to make sacrifices then he damn
well wanted his reward for it.

He took a deep breath and sat on the floor. A new, fragile part of him knew that he couldn’t listen to that voice, as much as he wanted to. But it was hard not to. He’d listened to it for so long.

“Joanna is doing everything she can to ensure that you and Crispin and Jack are freed,” he said.

The reluctant pity in Aubrey’s expression as she watched him struggle melted to a smile. “Of course she is. I’ve never known a girl to be more like her brother that way.”

Ethan shook his head. “She’s not like Toby at all. Toby was far more level-headed. Joanna has gotten herself involved in some very dangerous business.”

“She’s what?” Aubrey straightened in alarm.

“She’s made a deal with Pennington.” He didn’t want to explain more or upset her.

“Pennington?” Aubrey’s expression darkened. “That weasel?”

“He’s persuasive.”
He pushed himself to stand. “How can I help Joanna when what she wants will destroy her?” He paced away from her, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“
Now you really have me worried.
”
Aubrey
rose
from her chair. “Tell me what’s going on.”

He
turned
to face her. “Pennington is neck deep in royal politics.
He has control over the Tower guards.
And h
e
’s
made a deal with
Joanna that if she assassinates
King Richard he
will
have Prince John, the new king, release you at once.”

“She what?” Aubrey barked. She pressed a hand to her forehead. “Oh Joanna!”

“She tried to poison the king yesterday.”

“Dear God!”

“I’ve never seen her so scared in my life, Aubrey. I thought there was no way she would come back to the Tower or even look at Pennington again. But this morning she was up and dressed and out the door before I could stop her.
She’s going to
try again.”

It was painful to admit. After everything they had shared the night before, after the love he had poured out to her and pleading to keep her safe, she was back in harm’s way.
He hadn’t been able to protect her, not from herself. Worst of all, s
he was headstrong enough that she just migh
t succeed in killing the king, and get
herself killed in the process.

“Ethan!” Aubrey grabbed both his arms. “I take back what I said. Don’t try to help her achieve her goal. You have to stop her.”

“I
can’t! I
don’t know how!”

Without warning she pulled back and slapped him across the face. The shock of the blow stopped his panic.

“God, I’ve been wanting to do that for years!” Aubrey said, shaking out her hand. She took a breath and launched back into him with ferocity. “I am so tired of listening to you whine about what you can’t do and what you can’t have and what you want. Want what you have, for a change, and go after what you want without expecting everyone to hand it to you. And if you don’t know what to do, ask yourself what Toby would do and do that!”

He blinked, raising a hand to his stinging cheek. Toby would make sure he had a shave before he tried to do anything else.

The thought filled him with an odd hope. “I have to go,” he told her. “Joanna took Simon to the dungeon to visit Jack. They won’t be able to stay long, and I’m sure Simon will want to plan for the trial.”

“What about Crispin?” Aubrey asked, worry clouding her face.

Ethan winced. “
They’ve moved him to a cell in the heart of the White Tower. It might be impossible to get to him
.”

With every word Aubrey’s face lost more color. “Find him, Ethan,” she begged, grabbing his arm. “
Keep him alive
.”

He hesitated. Convince Joanna to drop her scheme or
reach out to
Crispin. Help Simon plan for the trial or speak out against Crispin and Jack to regain Windale. Every choice he made would close a door for good.

“I’ll do what I can,” he said.

To his shock, Aubrey lunged forward and hugged him. “Tell my son I love him.”

“I will.” He stepped back from her. At least there was one thing he would be able to do.

He gave her a final nod and marched out the door.
T
ime was running out.

Joanna
led Simon to the narrow spiral staircase at the corner of the
audience
room, grateful not to have to fight her way through the crowd to reach the
dungeon
. The stairs they took were less traveled but still well guarded.
A
soldier
at the bottom of the stairs tried to stop
them
but Joanna worked her way around him by
saying
Simon was a new servant. Simon was smart enough to go along with the ploy.

They found Jack sitting
in chains
against one of the thick supporting columns at the far end of the dungeon. His arms were crossed over his knees and his head rested against his arms. He didn’t bother to look up until Simon knelt beside him and said, “My lord.” He still only barely moved. “My lord,” Simon repeated. “My lord. Jack
!
”

Slowly Jack raised his head. Joanna swallowed and held a hand to her throat. Jack was pale and drawn. There were dark circles around his eyes and the dancing light that usually lit them was gone.

“Simon?” He blinked, raising a hand to touch his steward’s face as though trying to decide if he was a dream or not. “Simon!” He surged forward and caught the man in a desperate embrace.

Joanna hung back, loathe to disturb the reunion.

“You’re skin and bones and it’s only been a few weeks,” Simon complained. His gruffness stood in direct contrast to the way he embraced Jack like a son.

“Yeah, well, you know
better’n anyone that
I lose weight fast when I’m
tied up to things
, mate.
”
Jack laughed. It was a wispy, hollow sound that made the hair on Joanna’s neck stand up.
“And a bloody great dungeon beats a tent-post any day.”

“You’re not some dog being held prisoner for theft or murder,” Simon growled.

“Tell that to King Richard,” Jack replied in a dark murmur.

“I intend to!” Simon shot back. “If they’ll let me,” he added.

“Fat chance of that, mate.” Jack sighed. He eased out of Simon’s arms, wincing as he stretched and stood. Weeks in a dungeon with poor food and little light had made him
shaky and clumsy. “I been asking around, talking to the other nobs locked up down here for one thing or another. You gotta have
someone
speak on your behalf
to the king
, vouch for you.”

“That’s a problem
we can overcome
, my lord.” Simon stood beside Jack, hands gripped behind his back, every bit the steward again.

Jack laughed mirthlessly. “Only, Crispin and I haven’t been nobs long enough to make any friends with the other nobs.”

“I beg your pardon?” a prisoner chained to the next pillar over spoke up. He had a fine accent but was dressed no better than a street beggar.

“Oy, sorry Will.” Jack nodded to the man. “I’d ask you to put in the good word for me, but I think you and me got the same problem, mate.”

“It would be an honor for me to speak for you
, sir
,” Will replied. “If I could.”

Jack turned back to Simon and shrugged. “See. I dunno, maybe if you can find some of Aubrey’s dad’s old friends or something? It’s a long shot, but if any of them are still around-”