Read Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB Online
Authors: by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB (19 page)
Probably the most important part of learning how to live the process we have been discussing is to take our time. We may feel awkward deviating from the habitual behaviors that our conditioning has rendered automatic, but if our intention is to consciously live life in harmony with our values, then we’ll want to take our time.
A friend of mine, Sam Williams, jotted down the basic components of this process on a three by five card, which he would use as a “cheat sheet” at work. When his boss would confront him, Sam would stop, refer to the card in his hand, and take time to remember how to respond. When I asked whether his colleagues were finding him a little strange, constantly staring into his hand and taking so much time to form his sentences, Sam replied, “It doesn’t actually take that much more time, but even if it did, it’s still worth it to me. It’s important for me to know that I am responding to people the way I really want to.” At home he was more overt, explaining to his wife and children why he was taking the time and trouble to consult the card. Whenever there was an argument in the family, he would pull out the card and take his time. After about a month, he felt comfortable enough to put it away. Then one evening, he and Scottie, age 4, were having a conflict over television and it wasn’t going well. “Daddy,” Scottie said urgently, “get the card!”
Practice translating each judgment into an unmet need.
For those of you wishing to apply NVC, especially in challenging situations of anger, I would suggest the following exercise. As we have seen, our anger comes from judgments, labels, and thoughts of blame, of what people “should” do and what they “deserve.” List the judgments that float most frequently in your head by using the cue, “I don’t like people who are. . . . ” Collect all such negative judgments in your head and then ask yourself, “When I make that judgment of a person, what am I needing and not getting?” In this way, you train yourself to frame your thinking in terms of unmet needs rather than in terms of judgments of other people.
Take your time.
Practice is essential, because most of us were raised, if not on the streets of Detroit, then somewhere only slightly less violent. Judging and blaming have become second nature to us. To practice NVC, we need to proceed slowly, think carefully before we speak, and often just take a deep breath and not speak at all. Learning the process and applying it both take time.
Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger. If we wish to fully express anger, the first step is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger. Instead we shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. By expressing our needs, we are far more likely to get them met than by our judging, blaming, or punishing others.
The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breathe, (2) identify our judgmental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes in between steps 3 and 4 we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in Step 4.
We need to take our time in both learning and applying the process of NVC.
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Parent And Teen Dialog A Life-Threatening Issue
In this situation, 15-year-old Bill took a car without permission from Jorge, a family friend. He went on a joy ride with two friends and returned the car undamaged to the garage, where its absence had not been detected. Since then, however, Jorge’s 14-year-old daughter, Eva, who had gone along for the ride, told her father what had happened. Jorge then informed Bill’s father, who is now approaching his son. The father has just recently been practicing NVC.
Father:
So I hear you, Eva and Dave took Jorge’s car without asking.
Bill:
No, we didn’t!
Father:
(in a loud voice) Don’t lie to me; it’ll only make it worse!
(Then remembers to first connect to his own feelings and needs in order to stay in connection with his son.
) You just sit there for a moment; I need to think.
(Going inside himself, he sees how angry and scared he is. He’s angry because he’s telling himself, “Bill should have known better!” and “What a liar he’s become!” He’s scared when he thinks of all the potential consequences of not only Bill’s action, but his own misjudgment of what his son might do. “That was stupid of me to assume he knows better.” “Some one could have gotten killed in this!” He catches himself, “Oops, I need to translate the labels ‘stupid’ and ‘liar’ into feelings and needs. For ‘stupid,’ I guess the feeling is disappointment in myself: I would have liked to think that I knew him better. And as for ‘liar,’ I’m feeling pretty scared because I want to be able to count on getting accurate information to deal with this situation.” Silence while he mulls over how to begin talking.)
Bill, are you worried that you’d be punished if you give me accurate information?
Bill:
Yeah, you’re always so mean whenever I do anything you don’t like.
Father:
Are you saying you’d like more understanding and fairer treatment for what you do?
Bill:
Oh, sure, like I’m really gonna get fair treatment and understanding from you!
Father: (silently to himself, “Boy, do I get angry when he says that! Can’t he see how hard I’m trying? I really need a little respect for how hard this is, and I guess also a little caring for how scared I’m feeling”)
Sounds to me like you’re worried that no matter what you say, you won’t be treated fairly?
Bill:
What do you care about treating me fairly? When something happens, you just want someone to punish. Besides, what’s the big deal? Even if we did take the car, no one got hurt and it’s back where it was. I mean, this is no major crime wave.
Father:
Are you scared there’ll be harsh consequences if you admit to taking the car, and you want to trust that you’ll be treated justly?
Bill:
Yeah.
Father: (allowing time for silence and the connection to go deeper)
What could I do to give you that reassurance?
Bill:
Promise to never punish me again.
Father: (Aware that punishment will not help Bill develop consciousness around potential consequences of his own behavior, but will only contribute to greater disconnection and resistance, the father expresses willingness to agree to Bill’s request)
I’d be open to that agreement if you agree to stay in dialogue with me. That is, we talk until I’m satisfied you’re aware of all the possible consequences of your having taken that car. However, in the future, if it happens that I’m not confident that you see the potential danger of what you’re in for, I might still use force—but only in order to protect you.
Bill:
Wow, great! It really feels good knowing I’m so stupid you have to use force to protect me from myself!
Father: (Losing touch with his own needs, says silently: “Man, there are times when I could just kill the little. . . . I’m so furious when he says things like that! It really doesn’t seem like he cares. . . . Damn, what am I needing here? I’m needing to know, when I’m working this hard, that at least he cares.”) (Out loud angrily)
You know, Bill, when you say things like that, I get really pissed off. I’m trying so hard to stay with you on this, and when I hear things like that. . . . Look, I need to know if you even want to keep talking with me.
Bill:
I don’t care.
Father:
Bill, I really want to listen to you rather than fall into my old habits of blaming and threatening you whenever something comes up that I’m upset about. But when I hear you say things like, “It feels good to know I’m so stupid” in the tone of voice you just used, I find it hard to control myself. I could use your help on this. That is, if you would rather me listen to you than blame or threaten. Or if not, then, I suppose my other option is to just handle this the way I’m used to handling things.
Bill:
And what would that be?
Father:
Well, by now, I’d probably be saying, “Hey, you’re grounded for two years: no TV, no car, no money, no dates, no nothing!”
Bill:
Well, guess I’d want you to do it the new way then.
Father: (with humor)
I’m glad to see that your sense of self-preservation is still intact. Now I need you to tell me whether you’re willing to share some honesty and vulnerability.
Bill:
What do you mean by “vulnerability”?
Father:
It means that you tell me what you are really feeling about the things we’re talking about, and I tell you the same from my end.
(In a firm voice)
Are you willing?
Bill:
Okay, I’ll try.
Father: (with sigh of relief)
Thank you. I’m grateful for your willingness to try. Did I tell you—Jorge grounded Eva for three months—she won’t be allowed to do anything. How do you feel about that?
Bill:
Oh man, what a bummer; that’s so unfair!
Father:
I’d like to hear how you really feel about it.
Bill:
I told you—it’s totally unfair!
Father: (realizing Bill isn’t in touch with what he’s feeling, decides to guess)
Are you sad that she’s having to pay so much for her mistake?
Bill:
No, it’s not that. I mean, it wasn’t her mistake really.
Father:
Oh, so are you upset she’s paying for something that was your idea to start with?
Bill:
Well, yeah, she just went along with what I told her to do.
Father:
Sounds to me like you’re kind of hurting inside seeing the kind of effect your decision had on Eva.
Bill:
Sorta.
Father:
Billy, I really need to know that you are able to see how your actions have consequences.
Bill:
Well, I wasn’t thinking about what could’ve gone wrong. Yeah, I guess I did really screw up bad.
Father:
I’d rather you see it as something you did that didn’t turn out the way you wanted. And I still need reassurance about your being aware of the consequences. Would you tell me what you’re feeling right now about what you did?
Bill:
I feel really stupid, Dad . . . I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
Father: (translating Bill’s self-judgments into feelings and needs)
So you’re sad, and regret what you did because you’d like to be trusted not to do harm?
Bill:
Yeah, I didn’t mean to cause so much trouble. I just didn’t think about it.
Father:
Are you saying you wish you had thought about it more and gotten clearer before you acted?
Bill: (reflecting)
Yeah . . .
Father:
Well, it’s reassuring for me to hear that, and for there to be some real healing with Jorge, I would like you to go to him and tell him what you just told me. Would you be willing to do that?
Bill:
Oh man, that’s so scary; he’ll be really mad!
Father:
Yeah, it’s likely he will be. That’s one of the consequences. Are you willing to be responsible for your actions? I like Jorge and I want to keep him for a friend, and I’m guessing that you would like to keep your connection with Eva. Is that the case?
Bill:
She’s one of my best friends.
Father:
So shall we go see them?
Bill: (fearfully and reluctantly)
Well. . . okay. Yeah, I guess so.
Father:
Are you scared and needing to know that you will be safe if you go there?
Bill:
Yeah.
Father:
We’ll go together: I’ll be there for you and with you.
I’m really proud that you are willing.
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The Protective Use Of Force
When two disputing parties have each had an opportunity to fully express what they are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting—and each has empathized with the other—a resolution can usually be reached that meets the needs of both sides. At the very least, the two can agree, in goodwill, to disagree.
In some situations, however, the opportunity for such dialogue may not exist, and the use of force may be necessary to protect life or individual rights. For instance, the other party may be unwilling to communicate, or imminent danger may not allow time for communication. In these situations, we may need to resort to force. If we do, NVC requires us to differentiate between the protective and the punitive uses of force.