Not Looking For Love: Episode 2 (9 page)

He pulls me closer and wraps his arms around me. I rest my head against his chest, and let him hold me. He smells of grass and rain, and I could probably spend the rest of my life like this and not want for anything.

"The beach then?" he asks after awhile.

"Yes," I say. I want to tell him it's alright, that he can go back to work, but it would be a lie.
 

I'd like to go to the beach far from my house, the one with the broken pier, but he drives to the one we were at yesterday, and I don't argue.
 

School's started and it's mostly empty this early in the day. A young mother is pushing a stroller along the wooden walkway, and a few older people are strolling along the sand, but otherwise it's deserted. I take Scott's hand and lead him right to the water's edge, where the surf licks the sand.
 

I don't feel like walking today, I just want to watch the sea and know there's still a whole world out there.

Once we're sitting in the sand, Scott wraps his arm around me, and I lean against his chest, my hand resting on his thigh. Time has no meaning now, and I can finally breathe again, tears are no longer choking me.

"We can go, if you have to go back to work," I say after awhile.

Scott moves his hand so it's resting over the side of my stomach. "No, it's fine. We can stay a little longer."

A fish jumps from the sea in the distance, sparkling in the sun.

"You like your job then?" I ask to keep the conversation going.

"Sure, I like working outdoors," he says. "Been working as a gardener since I was sixteen."

"And you'd be happy doing it for the rest of your life." I say it as a statement, already picturing a peaceful life like that, somewhere in the country or in the mountains, where time passes differently.

"I could, maybe. I don't know," he answers anyway. "I still might go back to school, eventually."

"Back?" I ask. I'd assumed he never went to college.
 

"Yeah, Parson's, I dropped out in my junior year," he elaborates.

"Wow, that's a hard school to get into. Why'd you leave?" I sound a little like my dad as I say it, so I stop talking.

"I don't know, stuff," he says, "and you, when are you going back to school?"

Tears threaten to ball up again in my throat. "I'm taking the semester off, for now."

 
He nods and doesn't say anything more as though he knows I can't talk much right now. I struggle to chase the tears away, and just sit here in the now. I shouldn't feel so comfortable and light, not with the pain of Mom's looming death eating away at my heart. But I do and can't fight it, don't really see the point.

I run my fingers up his thigh, and slide my hand along his stomach, so my thumb is touching his bare skin. He shudders a little, likely because my hands are so cold.

"You could kiss me first one of these days, you know?" I say and crane my neck so I'm looking into his eyes. They're light blue today, like the calmest ocean.
 

"Is that what you want?" he asks, his voice low and hoarse.

I bite my lip.
 
"I do."

He cups the back of my head, his fingers getting tangled up in my bun, and leans in until our lips are almost touching, but not quite. My whole body is tingling in anticipation.

"But people are watching, Gail," he says, his breath hot on my lips.

I take his shirt in my fist. "I don't care as long as I don't see them watching."

He kisses me, firmly and urgently. Warmth erupts between my legs, and I'd probably collapse back if he weren't holding me. My fingers dig into his stomach as his tongue finds mine inside my mouth. It's like the whole world whooshes away, until it's just us in a void where time and place has no meaning and it is forever sunset. I don't even need to breathe.

His free hand slides under my shirt and I gasp as his cool fingers touch my burning skin. He breaks away from the kiss and licks my neck. I lean my head back, giving him better access. His lips are cool and rough against the tender flesh of my neck, but his kisses are so soft I could just stay doing this forever. His fingers find my erect nipple under the mesh fabric of my bra, and he squeezes it gently but firmly, rolling it between his fingers. I moan loudly, wanting his hand to travel down, and help relieve the burning strain between my legs.

He's kissing me again, his tongue deep in my mouth, his lips firm against mine. I open my legs wider in anticipation as his hand travels back down my stomach. It slides down between the fabric of my yoga pants and my panties, and I buck into his hand, the rough mesh of my panties pressing into the sensitive area. His tongue is still in my mouth and I try to wrap mine around his. Then his finger finds the edge of my panties, and his cold fingers feel huge against my tender, burning flesh.
 

My thigh is resting against his erection now, and I move my leg slightly to brush against it. His fingers slide along my clit, slowly at first, then faster, the friction making me moan into his mouth. I run my hand down his stomach and grab his cock through his pants. What I want to do is unbuckle his belt and straddle him, but it's broad daylight and we're already doing too much.

I shudder as his finger slides into me, and all other thoughts disappear. I graze his tongue with my teeth, sucking it further into my mouth, as his finger pushes deeper into me, retreats, and enters again, coaxing the ball of heat inside me to burst. He adds a second finger, and I forget who I am and where. He keeps his fingers in, lets me ride the explosion out.
 

I don't even know when we stopped kissing, but I'm leaning against his chest again, my heart racing in my chest, my breaths fast and deep.
 

"I want to do that for you too," I whisper, running my fingers over his cock again.

He chuckles. "Not right here. We'll get arrested. As it is, people are gawking."

I peel away from him, craning my neck back to see all around.

"Relax, Gail. I was just kidding. No one's looking."

He's not entirely right though. Brandon is leaning against the walkway fence, glaring at me like I just killed his cat or something.
 

I turn back to Scott. "Maybe we should leave."
 

There's panic in my voice and I cover it with a small smile. "We can finish this later."

"You promise?" he asks, his eyes gleaming from more than just the sunlight.

"Yes," I say, but I'm not sure suddenly, like maybe I won't be able to hold that promise.

Fear grips me like a vice, and I feel like a giant hand has gripped my skin and is pulling it together, tearing it away.

I stand up and brush the sand from my legs. Brandon is gone from his perch by the fence and I can't see him anywhere now. Maybe I just imagined him standing there in the first place.

The wind brings the sound of a woman's laugh, and when I look up, my mom is strolling along the beach barefoot, a flowery sun dress whipping around her legs in the breeze.

I take Scott's hand firmly and pull him back to his truck. The woman I saw is someone else. My mom will never stroll along the beach again.

CHAPTER NINE

They're all eating sandwiches at the dining table when I get back, and I blush as they turn to look at me when I enter. My dad offers me a sandwich, but I shake my head and run up the stairs to Mom. She's still breathing, rasping, and she's asleep. I take off my jacket and shoes and slide in bed beside her, cradling her head.
 

When I wake up it's dark outside, and my neck is stiff as a board from sleeping sitting up. My mom is looking at me, tears gleaming in her eyes.
 

"Did you dream something nice?" she whispers.

I find her hand and squeeze. "Yes." Though I don't remember dreaming anything at all.

A terrible coughing fit makes her chest rise off the bed. She's squeezing my hand so hard my bones are grating together. Spittle is hitting me, and I don't know what to do.

But the fit passes, and she lies back, heaving. I feel the world go fuzzy, and I'm floating on the softest cloud. Time melts away and I'm six years old. Mommy is reading me a bedtime story, maybe Snow White, it was always my favorite, and now I'm struggling not to fall asleep so I won't miss the ending.

Dad is standing in the doorway, the hall light casting a halo around him.
 

Mom's breathing changes pitch again, the rasps sharp as a knife. She extends her free hand toward my dad and he rushes forward grasping it in both of his.

The world is as soft as a feather blanket now. Longing and homesickness form a river that flows through my heart, engulfing me whole.

"Promise me you will be there for each other," my mom whispers. "I love you both so much."

No tears come this time, and my heart is overflowing with all the love I ever felt for my mom. It spreads through my body, into my stomach and through my arms, my legs.
 

"I love you too, Mom." I hear my voice, but don't know I'm speaking.

Mom's gasps come more frequently now, no longer raspy, just urgent. My heart is hammering in my chest and I still feel like I'm floating. I feel no need to cry, all is well. Then a gasp ends and another doesn't follow.

"Kathryn!" my dad screams.

Mom's chest is no longer moving and her hand is limp in mine. Her eyes are glistening, staring up at the ceiling, a single tear running down her cheek.

I slam back into reality, all the weight of the world pushing me down.

"Mom!" I shake her, tears blinding me. I lean over and breathe into her mouth, pushing down on her chest to get her heart beating again. Nothing happens. I try again. Edna is just standing there by the door. She should be rushing over, helping my mom. She's in her dressing gown, her hair loose around her shoulders, which are shaking as though she's crying. This is no time to cry. "Help her, Edna!"

My dad takes me firmly by the shoulders and pulls me back, hugging me tightly. "Gail, sweetie, it's too late. She's dead."

I beat at him to let me go, but he just holds me tighter. "No, we can still bring her back!"

"We can't, baby, we can't."

I know what he's saying is true, but I don't believe it. Only he's not letting me go and his tears are wetting my hair.

I have no tears left. My whole body is empty, the terrible dark abyss pressing in at the edges. I stop struggling and he let's me go.
 

I climb back into bed and kiss my mom's cheek, then sit back holding her hand. Dad does the same on the other side of the bed.

She's still warm; she's not yet gone. But she is dead, and there is darkness all around me as I tumble into the abyss, cold raging waters frothing in the wind, and there is nothing to hold on to, no way to fight the fall.

Grey dawn covers the sky outside and Mom's hand is cold now.

"Gail, we should call the ambulance," my dad says, his fingers digging into my shoulders.

I release Mom's hand and stand up. Everything looks as though I'm seeing it on a page in a book, and not in real life. I follow my dad to the window where he dials the hospital and makes all the arrangements.
 

Edna comes in wearing her uniform, her hair once again in a neat bun on the back of her head. She pulls the sheet over my mom, and I want to scream at her, tell her to stop, to leave, to get away from my mom. The anger rattles through me, but it's as though someone else is feeling it.

"Very well, we'll wait," my dad says into the phone and hangs up.

I'm still staring at my mom's outline under the sheet, expecting her to rise at any moment.

Dad places his arm around my shoulders and pushes me towards the door. "Come, let's have some tea."

I don't want tea, or coffee, or anything really.
 

The grandfather clock chimes six just as we reach the hall. The gongs echo in the silence of the house, like a final farewell.
 

The kettle hisses and then Dad's pushing a cup of hot liquid into my hands. The sweet aroma makes me retch.
 

After what feels like a whole day an ambulance parks in front of the house, with no flashing lights, no sirens. There's no one to save here. My dad leads the paramedics upstairs and I get up to dump the cold tea in the sink.
 

Scott's truck pulls into Kate's driveway. The clank of breaking china echoes in the silent kitchen behind me, because I'm already running to the door, sprinting really. I need to catch Scott before he disappears behind the fence.

He's waiting by his truck though, staring at the ambulance. I run into him with such force we stumble back.

He smells of soap and water and softener, and he's holding me so tightly I just might melt right into him. I'm shaking like it's zero degrees out. "My mom's dead," I blurt out into his chest. And then the prickly ball of tears explodes, and tears come so fast and so hard I feel like I'm swallowed in an avalanche. My mom will never walk along the beach again, never smile at me, never hold my hand. Never hug me, never comfort me, never yell at me, never.

Scott is patting my back and holding me tight with his other arm, but it's not enough to chase away the abyss, the darkness of my future, the cold world without my mom.
 

I pull away from him and wipe the tears on my sleeve.

"I think your dad is looking for you," he says.
 

I turn around, and dad is standing in the doorway, looking at me like he doesn't really see me.
 

Scott's still holding me loosely, but I break away and run back home, stand beside my dad as the ambulance drives away. A hearse will come to collect her body soon; the ambulance is needed to transport those who still hope to survive.

CHAPTER TEN

The rest of the day is a blur. Brandon and Kate come and offer their condolences. Kate stays for awhile, sitting next to me on the patio, but I don't notice it when she leaves.
 

Suddenly it's dark out, and Dad is guiding me to my room, pulling the covers over me.