Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (3 page)

Our
Rules
in this chapter apply to dads every bit as much as they apply to moms. Let’s be honest, every dad wants his daughter to be a
Rules
Girl! He wants her to date with self-respect and not to chase guys or go on booty calls. What father would want his daughter seeing a guy 24/7 or sleeping around? We have had clients in college tell us that their dads bought them
The Rules
or paid for a consultation with us. We know dads care about how their daughters date, and that’s why we wanted to include them in this chapter.

We’ve interviewed many dads and frankly feel they could have helped us write
The Rules
! One father told his twenty-year-old daughter, “Don’t call guys, don’t chase guys, and I have to meet the guy when he picks you up. He has to look me in the eye, and if he doesn’t, he’s hiding something.” Not all dads are this involved or vocal, nor do their daughters want them to be! But we think dads can help their daughters do
The Rules
by giving them this book and by treating women with love and respect. We even know happily married men who told their daughters, “Just copy your mom. I dated many women, but she got me to marry her!”

We don’t suggest scaring daughters into
Rules
-y behavior by saying that all guys just want one thing or by acting unapproachable and judgmental. Remember, dads, you want your daughters to be able to talk to you if they are not sure what to do or are in trouble. If you help her with dating now, you can breathe a sigh of relief when you proudly walk her down the aisle at her wedding!

Moms
and
dads, if you want to help your daughter have self-esteem and avoid dating problems down the road, here are our suggestions:

• Give her a copy of
  Not Your Mother’s Rules
  if you haven’t already, as well as
  The Rules.
  Many of you contacted us saying that your mother gave you
  The Rules
  and you tried to pass down these words of wisdom to your daughters. But they read it and said, “What’s an answering machine? This is so 1950s. Dating is harder now.” So here’s our response to that argument. Just tell her that chasing guys doesn’t work and then let go. She either takes to it or she doesn’t—and even if she doesn’t now, she still may later on.
  
• Speak frankly about sex.
  Tell her that sex between a man and a woman is a beautiful thing, that anything you do when you are in love is wonderful and special, but that random hookups are unfulfilling acts of desperation. You do not have to have a formal sex talk, but you should not pretend that sex doesn’t exist. Watch a
  chick flick together and ask her questions about characters in the movie to lessen the intensity of the subject.
  Sex and the City
  is always useful to discuss this topic. Ask her if Carrie should have waited so long for Mr. Big or what she thinks of Samantha’s casual relationships with men. Ask her which of the four main characters is her role model. Just get a conversation going—young women are reluctant to answer direct questions about their dating life, but they might open up if you talk about it this way.
  
• Don’t react or overreact when your daughter tells you something you don’t like.
  Some mothers complain that their daughters never tell them anything, and we know why they don’t. Because their mothers scream, “You did
  what
  ?!” and go crazy on them, the daughters clam up. If you want your daughter to talk to you, to tell you what she’s doing as well as her innermost thoughts, secrets, and fears, be calm in the face of the storm. Don’t be judgmental and scare her away. If she tells you, “I’m dating a guy who you may not like” or “I lost my virginity” or “I’m pregnant” or “I think I’m gay,” just say, “I’m so glad you told me. I love and support you no matter what. It’s your life, so how would you like to handle it?” Let her feel safe with you by not being critical. Say what you mean, but don’t be mean. Sometimes children act out to get a rise out of their parents—if you don’t react, they won’t have a reason to act out, and they will confide in you more often. This way of parenting also means not imposing your will on her by telling her who to date or to “marry a doctor” or whatever you think is best for her.
  
• Do
  The Rules
  on your daughter.
  We know that sounds kind of funny, but it’s true! Don’t be pushy. If your daughter asks you not to write on her Facebook wall, don’t do it. You need to respect her boundaries. If you are intrusive, she might start keeping secrets.
  
• Spend time together.
  If you want your daughter to turn out great, don’t give her just material things. Give her yourself and your time. Go to the movies or shopping, get manicures and pedicures, cook or bake together, rent bicycles, or go jogging. Have favorite TV shows that the two of you watch together. Never be too busy for your daughter.
  
• Teach your daughter about manners and makeup.
  We are surprised to find out in childhood consultations that some mothers didn’t teach their daughters anything about clothes, hair, and makeup, much less about etiquette and manners. They never played with their hair or painted their toenails or let them borrow their handbags and shoes. If you are letting TV shows and magazines raise your daughter, don’t be shocked if she dresses inappropriately or wears too much makeup. If you didn’t teach her these things when she was younger, start now. Over a school vacation or holiday from work, plan a makeover day. If she’s shy, do it for both of you so she doesn’t feel too much in the spotlight. If she likes being the center of attention, make it all about her: hair, makeup, clothes. You don’t have to spend lots of money, but make her see that she can look great and that you think she looks great. Show that you value her opinion by asking her for outfit advice. If she feels confident,
  she’ll look confident, and that is a key to doing
  The Rules
  !
  
• Don’t resent her.
  Some mothers are a little (or very) jealous that their daughters seem to have it easier than they did. They feel competitive with them, sometimes even trying to dress like teenagers themselves. Or they simply resent raising a daughter instead of chasing their own dreams. If you feel this way, you may need to get help. Professional or not, you need to talk to someone so you don’t take out your anger on her. Shouldn’t your daughter have a better life than you? As her mother, your job is to give her what you didn’t have, not to be withholding. Don’t say, “My mother never said I was pretty” or “Be grateful. I never had ballet classes!” Instead, be thankful your daughter doesn’t have the emotional or financial hardships you had. Why should she suffer because you did? Give her the best life you can and don’t throw jabs at her. We’re not saying you must spoil her, but give her love and attention and whatever she needs. Rest assured, she will call you more often and visit you when you are older. This love will pay off in a healthy, happy life for her—and isn’t that what we want for our children?
  
• Set limits.
  Parents who let their children do anything they want are not always doing them a favor. Young women especially need boundaries in a society that glamorizes rudeness, random hookups, spiked heels, and teen pregnancies. Limits equal love. Feel free to say, “Can you please wear a tank top under that see-through shirt?” or “You cannot get tattoos or a nose ring as long as you are living under my roof” or “If you want
  to smoke, you have to do it outside” or “You cannot have your boyfriend over if I’m not home” or “You can stay out until midnight on the weekends.” Be their parent, not their friend. Kids actually want some rules. Too much freedom is scary for them and can cause problems later on.
  

• Are you okay when a guy you hook up with never texts you again?
  
• Do you think being asked out last minute is fun and spontaneous, as opposed to insulting?
  
• Do you ask guys to hang out and just shrug when they say no?
  
• Do you continue dating a guy who says he is “not looking for anything serious” and who sees other women?
  
• When your mother or friends suggest
  The Rules
  , do you say, “I have an MBA. No one is going to tell me what to do”?
  

I
F YOU ANSWERED
yes to any of these questions, then keep doing what you are doing. This book may not be for you—or at least not yet. All we can say is, have fun breaking
The Rules
while it lasts. Stalk a guy, write on his wall every
day, fly to his city, text him at 2 a.m., and tell him how much you like him. Have the time of your life. Be bold, outrageous, and sassy. Act crazy and carefree!

Let’s face it: Most college girls don’t want any rules, much less dating
Rules
. They want to do whatever they feel like. They are not thinking ring, wedding, marriage, and children, so why should they give up short-term fun for long-term anything? They may not even have any future plans yet. At this point in their lives, they just want to study and party and hopefully graduate! They want to experiment with sex and possibly with drinking and drugs. They are not looking for anything serious. They want to be silly and flirt with whoever catches their eye instead of waiting for the guy who notices
them
first and makes the first move. They are not looking for husband material. They want the option of going on booty calls when their hormones are raging. They want to run with their feelings instead of being discreet. Why follow a boring set of
Rules
when you are young and have the rest of your life to do that? Why not have fun now and figure things out later?

We totally get it!
The Rules
are simply not for women who just want to have fun. They are for women who get hurt and depressed when a relationship doesn’t work out. They are for women who call their best friends, therapists, psychics, or us when they don’t know how to get a guy to commit. They do not find random hookups fulfilling anymore. They want a loving, lasting relationship. If you don’t feel this way yet, then definitely burn the candle at both ends: text guys all night or hop on a plane to meet an online guy you just friended on Facebook or whose profile you just clicked on.

We frequently get e-mails and Facebook messages from women who feel their sister or friend could really use
The Rules
. They write, “She took back a guy who cheated on her.
She really needs
The Rules
!” or “She’s thirty and been dating this guy for six years and he still hasn’t proposed. She needs to wrap it up already” or “My coworker is in love with a married man with kids and I don’t think he is leaving his wife anytime soon and I can’t get through to her. I wish she would do your
Rules
.” Or we get e-mails from worried mothers saying, “My daughter is always chasing guys and getting hurt. I’m worried about her getting a reputation. Can you help her?” We get e-mails from women reading gossip blogs or tabloid magazines who write, “I can’t believe so-and-so actress visited him on every movie set and moved in with him. No wonder he thought she was clingy and dumped her. She needs
The Rules
!” We even have
Rules
fans on Facebook who feel that the book should be handed out at birth or at puberty or at least taught in sex education in high school!

Of course, we understand how they feel. It’s frustrating to watch a friend or family member or a beloved actress screw up her love life when there is a better way to date. But we tell them what we are telling you here:
The Rules
are for women who want them, not for women who need them. Playing hard to get and dating with boundaries and self-esteem are not easy to do, and no one is going to do it until they have been burned badly and hit rock bottom.

When women buy our book or get in touch with us for consultations, it’s not because they arbitrarily woke up one day and decided, “I think I want to be a
Rules
Girl.” It’s not because they have nothing better to do! It’s because they just got hurt by yet another guy in yet another going-nowhere relationship, and desperately want to change their MO. They have endured years of pain and suffering and humiliation, and this last relationship is the final straw. The boyfriend cheated again or the guy they dated for five years never proposed
or the married man didn’t leave his wife, and they just can’t take it anymore! They’re tired of waiting or stalking or having fantasy relationships. They’re tired of instant gratification with nothing to show for it. They’re tired of being dateless to their cousin’s wedding. They’re tired of being dumped.

In some cases, a woman will contact us because she just met Mr. Right and doesn’t want to blow it. After years of breaking
Rules
and settling for random hookups, she finally meets a cute guy and after one kiss she has an aha! moment. She realizes that she does want a healthy loving relationship, not just a lot of texting and sex. She doesn’t want to mess it up by coming on too strong (“What are you doing tonight? I have two tickets to a concert”) or being needy (“When will I see you again?”). She thinks, “Whoa, I don’t want to lose this guy. I need a plan!” When a woman is at this point, when she wants to stop her self-destructive dating habits, she is ready for
The Rules.

Naturally, we understand that some younger girls reading this book might have a hard time following it. They are in an environment where their friends have frat guys on speed dial and everyone is getting drunk and going on booty calls—not ending dates first! They are still figuring things out and finding themselves. Try to tell your typical college sophomore to have “one drink” and to “wait until she is in a committed relationship to have sex” or “rarely write on a guy’s wall,” and see how far you get. We have spoken at colleges and at seminars where young women have complained that it’s hard to do
The Rules
when everyone they know is texting guys nonstop and hooking up. But the truth is that you can still be a
Rules
Girl regardless of your circumstances or environment. You may not want to get married at nineteen, but you
might want to be in a loving relationship in which the guy is crazy about you.
The Rules
give you the upper hand. You have control. You don’t get hurt. Now, wouldn’t that be nice?