Nothing Left to Lose (10 page)

Wanting to
enjoy thinking about nothing other than the physical pain for a few
minutes more, I cranked up the speed even faster. I was running so
fast that I could barely keep up. I could only run for another
couple of minutes before I started to get a little light-headed and
my hands started to tingle, so I slowed it down until I could
stop.

As soon as I
stopped, my legs refused to support me any longer. I slumped to the
floor gasping for breath as I put my head between my knees,
listening to the lyrics of the Usher song I had blasting through my
iPod. When the tingles had subsided from my fingers and I no longer
wanted to vomit, I flopped back onto my back and closed my
eyes.

Suddenly my
earphones were pulled from my ears. Shocked because I hadn’t
realised someone else was here, I opened my eyes to see Ashton
standing over me, frowning. “Why do you do that to yourself? Shit,
Anna, I watched you run as fast as you could for fifteen minutes
and you were already sprinting when I came in!” he cried
incredulously.

I gritted my
teeth, ignoring his obvious agitation, and pushed myself up to
sitting. “Whatever,” I dismissed. “Want to show me how you keep
blocking my hits all the time?”

“You want me to
fight you?” he asked, raising one eyebrow in disbelief.

“I don’t want
you to hit me if that’s what you’re thinking, but I actually
thought I was pretty good at self-defence until I met you,” I
admitted.

He shook his
head. “Anna, I think you need to rest, surely you’ve done enough
for today,” he countered, his expression turning hard.

I stood up; my
legs wobbled and threatened to give out on me. “Ashton, this is my
routine, usually it’s a morning routine but I had somewhere to be
this morning, so I’m doing it now instead. I always run then have a
few minutes with the punch bag. If you want to help me then great,
if you don’t then just get out and stop interrupting me before I
cool down,” I growled as I pushed past him, grabbing the training
gloves from the side and putting them on. I then proceeded to punch
and kick the stuffing out of the punch bag.

He sighed.
“I’ll show you a few things if you want. But you need to stop this.
This isn’t good for you, you shouldn’t train like this. It’s
crazy,” he replied sharply.

I huffed and
turned around to face him. He wasn’t dressed for training; he was
still wearing the jeans and T-shirt he’d worn to the lake. He took
off his shoes and socks, and then his T-shirt and belt so he was
just wearing his jeans.

He looked at me
cockily. “Take your shoes off then, we’re only practicing, I don’t
wanna get hurt.”

I smiled,
knowing that he didn’t think I was going to be able to hit him. To
be honest, I probably wouldn’t. I’d tried three times already and
hadn’t gotten anywhere near him. I slipped off my shoes and walked
over to the training mats.

I turned back
to Ashton, who was standing there looking like a cocky, arrogant
Greek God. “I’m gonna attack you and I want you to fight me off.
You can really hit me, it’s fine. After, I’ll tell you where you
can improve, okay?” he instructed, looking like he genuinely didn’t
want to do this.

I nodded and
waited for him to approach. When he moved towards me, I quickly
ducked out of the way, kicking my leg out towards his stomach. His
hand wrapped around my ankle, holding it still as he swept my other
leg out from under me. I slammed back into the padded mat with him
on top of me.

“Holy shit!” I
gasped, trying to get the air back into my lungs.
That was
freaking awesome!

“You okay?” he
asked, looking a bit concerned as he hovered above me.

I nodded.
“Again,” I instructed, pushing him up. He shook his head, frowning,
but helped me to my feet regardless of his noticeable unwillingness
to do this.

Within a minute
I was on the floor again. I groaned as I rolled onto my side and
pushed myself to my feet. My whole body was aching from my run, but
I refused to quit. I faced him, watching as he winced. “Again,” I
barked, bringing my arms up to protect my face. He sighed heavily
and moved to attack me.

After the fifth
time of landing flat on my back, he pinned me to the floor, his
body pressing into mine. “Enough now,” he said sternly. He wasn’t
even slightly out of breath, whereas I was panting and sweating
like a pig.

“No, not yet,”
I whined, struggling to talk through my wheezy breath.

“That’s enough
for today, Anna. I can’t do this. Look at you! If you want, I’ll
teach you, but you need to slow down, you can’t keep doing this to
yourself,” he protested.

“Just one more
time. Please?” I begged, trying to wriggle my arms free.

“Okay, one
more, if you’ll tell me why you do this to your body. Why do you
train so hard?” he bargained, frowning.

I gulped,
knowing I needed to tell the truth if I wanted him to train me. “I
want to be able to defend myself, and if the time comes and I ever
see him again, I want to be able to kill him,” I confided.

He blinked. “It
looks to me like you’re trying to kill yourself too,” he observed,
concern clear across his face.

I shrugged at
his comment. “Whatever. Him, me, what’s the difference? Either way
it doesn’t matter,” I retorted, turning my head away from his
intense gaze.

He sucked in a
shaky breath and his grip loosened on my wrists before he pushed
himself up, pulling me to my feet. A pained looked was etched on
his face as he spoke, “One more then like I promised, and then
that’s it for today. Agreed?”

“Agreed.” I
shifted into a slight crouch, preparing for him to attack me
again.

He moved and
came at me from the side. I quickly whipped around and landed a
punch to his side, but he barely seemed to notice. Grabbing my
shoulders, he knocked my feet out and we both landed on the floor
within about five seconds.

A defeated tear
fell down my face and he quickly wiped it away. “Did I hurt you?
Are you okay?” he asked urgently.

I shook my
head. I wasn’t in pain; I just couldn’t believe that all this time
I thought I was getting somewhere, that I would be able to inflict
some real damage to Carter if I ever saw him again, and now
nothing. I couldn’t even land a decent enough hit to cause any
pain. My world was shattering around me; everything I’d worked for
over the last three years, the hours of training I’d put in, they
weren’t worth shit.

“I’m fine. Not
hurt,” I croaked, willing myself not to break down.

“Then why are
you crying?” he asked, wiping my tears away again.

“I just thought
I’d be able to at least defend myself, but I can’t even do that!” I
croaked, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to gain control of my
emotions.

“Hey, you can
defend yourself. You can. Anna, I’ve been trained extensively; I
was the best in hand-to-hand combat in my year. I’m SWAT, Anna, you
wouldn’t be able to beat me, but I’ll help you, I will. If you were
fighting a normal guy, you could kick his ass, I swear,” he assured
me, wiping the sweat from my forehead.

I groaned and
closed my eyes. I didn’t even realise he was still on top of me
until he put his head down in the crook of my neck and planted a
soft kiss on my shoulder.

Shockwaves
radiated through my whole body. I stiffened. “Get off, get off me,
now!” I almost screamed. He jumped up and backed away quickly, his
hands up, obviously trying not to scare me. I rolled to my side and
pushed myself up. My whole body was shaking violently; I scooted to
the wall and sat there watching him.

He slumped to
the floor on the opposite side of the gym and put his head in his
hands. “I’m sorry; I don’t know why I did that. Are you okay?” he
asked quietly.

I nodded. I was
okay, my body was shaking from the shock, but I was okay. “Don’t do
that again,” I croaked around the lump in my throat. He shook his
head quickly, watching me with caution.

My chin
trembled as I pushed myself up to standing. Immediately, my weary
body protested from the movement. I’d really overdone it this time.
My legs were wobbly as I made my way out of the gym and up to my
bedroom so I could take a bath. I focussed on the pain in my body
so that I wouldn’t think about what had just happened. It worked,
somewhat.

At seven
thirty, I knew my presence was required downstairs, as usual.
Dinner with the parents. “Hi, honey,” my mom chirped, as I walked
into the formal dining room.

“Hey,” I
grunted, plopping myself down at the table.

“Sweetheart, we
invited Agent Taylor to dine with us tonight. He’ll be down in a
minute,” my dad said, smiling awkwardly.

“Why? Why would
you do that? You’ve never invited a guard to eat with us before,” I
asked, a little annoyed.

“Well, he’s not
like the normal guards, honey; he’ll be a lot more involved. He’s
posing as your boyfriend so you two need to get to know each other
ready for next week,” my mom replied, smiling cheerfully.

I frowned,
trying to work out her apparent excitement. Just then he walked in
and all eyes snapped to him. He was wearing black dress pants and a
light grey button-down shirt. Obviously dressed to impress my
father.

I sighed and
averted my eyes, watching my mother who was grinning happily. “Good
evening, Agent Taylor,” she smiled, nodding at him.

“Good evening,
ma’am,” he greeted. My father stood and shook his hand. “It’s nice
to see you again, sir,” Ashton said politely.

“You too, son.
Have a seat there next to Annabelle,” my dad replied, pointing to
the chair next to mine. I played with my napkin as Ashton sat down.
I could feel his eyes on me, but I refused to look at him.

“Hi, Anna,” he
said softly.

“Hi,” I
replied, nodding in acknowledgement, still not looking at him.

“Are you okay?
You know, after earlier?” he asked.

I forced a
smile and looked over at him. His eyes were showing remorse, he was
really feeling guilty; he was almost in pain by the look of it.
“I’m fine, honestly.” I smiled reassuringly. He looked like he
visibly relaxed and smiled back; he was probably relieved I hadn’t
said anything to my father and ordered his transfer. “So, what’s
for dinner tonight?” I asked, looking away from his beautiful green
eyes and trying to change the subject.

“Er, well I
think it’s steak,” my mom answered, sounding unsure.

I laughed. “Oh,
Ashton only eats baked potatoes and cheeseburgers,” I joked.

He laughed too,
shaking his head. “No, I said I only
cooked
baked potatoes.
I eat anything,” he corrected, grinning.

I smiled and
looked back seeing that my mother was watching me with wide,
hopeful eyes. My easy smile faded because she was acting weird.
“Why do you keep looking at me like that?” There was definitely
something going on.

“I just… I
haven’t seen you laugh since before Jack…” she trailed off, her
face falling as she probably realised what she was about to
say.

I closed my
eyes as understanding washed over me. “Right, since Jack died. Now
I get it. That’s why Ashton’s been invited to dinner. You think
that suddenly I’m gonna forget Jack and fall all over the hot new
guard? Is that your plan?” I asked angrily, glaring at her.

She shook her
head in response, wincing. “No, it’s just that we’ve been hearing
stories all day, people have seen you making jokes, laughing and
smiling. A couple of the staff said that they saw you two holding
hands. Everyone’s just wondering, that’s all.”

I turned to my
father. “And are you wondering, Dad? Planning on getting to know
him better, check and see if he’s good enough for your fucked up
daughter? What do you think? Does he get your approval?”

“Annabelle,
that’s enough! You must be able to see our side, the first time you
met him you shook his hand, for goodness’ sake. Do you know what I
would give to be able to do that? To hold your hand, or kiss you
goodnight? It’s strange for us to witness. We were just wondering
if there was something going on, that’s all,” my dad countered,
frowning guiltily.

I snorted,
pushing my chair back making a loud scrape on the wooden floor as I
stood up. “Yeah, there’s something going on,” I lied. “He’s a
really good fuck; he made me scream good and proper. Is that what
you wanted to hear? One great screw and I’m over Jack, all my
problems just, poof, up into thin air. Are you fucking crazy?” I
growled. I glanced down at Ashton, who looked so uncomfortable he
was probably thinking about hiding under the table.

“Language,
Annabelle! We raised you better than that,” my father
chastised.

“Right, I
forgot. I
was
raised better than that, but you know what?
That daughter of yours died the day her boyfriend was murdered! The
day everything went to shit, the day my whole fucking perfect life
got turned upside down. I’m sorry that I’m not that person anymore,
but I’m not going to suddenly get better just because I talked to a
guy.” I took a deep breath before I continued my angry rant. “That
girl you knew, she’s gone, and she’s not coming back. I wish you’d
all get used to it and stop reading something out of nothing. This
guy,” I pointed at Ashton, “he’ll be gone soon, just like all the
others, and then you’ll be wondering what all the fucking fuss was
about,” I growled, turning on my heel and walking out, leaving them
all sitting there, staring after me with open mouths.

I stormed off
to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me and making it rattle on
its hinges. Throwing myself down on the bed, I buried my face into
a pillow and screamed until my throat was hoarse. I hated that they
assumed things that I could never give. I hated that they still
expected me to suddenly get over it and move on. I couldn’t move
on, and I didn’t even want to try.