Nothing Left to Lose (69 page)

“A little
hard?” I inquired, raising an eyebrow suggestively as I looped my
arms around his neck again.

His fingers bit
into my back as his eyes came back to meet mine. “Maybe a lot
hard,” he growled, crashing his lips to mine.

My whole body
immediately felt alive as the passion woke inside me. I pulled back
quickly though, breaking the kiss. There was something I wanted him
to do before this happened. I quickly unwrapped myself from him and
swam away a couple of feet, smiling teasingly. He was begging me
with his eyes to go back to him and finish what I’d clearly
instigated, but I knew he would never utter the words.

“Oh, don’t give
me the puppy dog eyes,” I said, laughing as I almost gave in. I
nodded towards the terrace before my will crumbled. “I want to see
you dive. You need to loosen up too.”

He groaned and
looked back at the terrace where I’d dived from. Wordlessly, he
turned and swam to the steps, climbing and walking to the railing,
his eyes not leaving me as he raised his foot.

I shook my head
quickly. “Lose the shorts. You won’t need those,” I called, winking
at him playfully.

As he pulled
his shorts off, letting them drop the ground in a soggy pile, I bit
my lip as he exposed all of his perfection. My insides fluttered as
he climbed to the top of the railing, standing there in all of his
naked glory. My heart raced as I watched how the sun reflected off
his wet body and how his hair glistened in the sunshine, like it
was covered in a thousand little diamonds.

When he smiled
down at me, my whole body seemed to tingle as it suddenly dawned on
me. I wasn’t just crazy about him; I was totally, utterly, and
devastatingly in love with him. I didn’t think I’d actually loved
anything or anyone more, maybe not even Jack. I loved Jack so much,
I still did, and he would always have a piece of my heart, but
impossibly, I’d fallen in love with Ashton so hard that it actually
hurt. It was like he was my everything, my sun, my air, my whole
life rolled up into one six foot package. Time seemed to stand
still, and it felt as if my whole life had been building up to this
moment here with him, as if the sole purpose for me being on this
earth was to love this boy. Ashton completed me, and I’d only just
realised.

He dove off the
railing, disappearing into the ocean, and I came back to reality
with a bump. My eyes widened as panic started to build inside me.
How had I let this happen? What was I supposed to do with this
knowledge now? Maybe I’d always been in love with him, but I was
too afraid or stupid to admit it. I was in some serious trouble
because he didn’t love me. Yes, he lusted after me and we were
friends, but someone like him would never be content with someone
as broken as me. He deserved far better and far more than I would
ever be able to give him. I would never be good enough for Ashton
Taylor.

A whimper
escaped my lips as I looked back at the stairs. I contemplated
running, just climbing out of the water and running as fast and as
far as I could. The feelings inside me were crushing me, squeezing
my heart and making my skin prickle with fear. Since Jack, I hadn’t
allowed myself to care about anything for fear of being hurt again,
but somehow, Ashton had broken down my barriers and had set up camp
in my heart without me even being aware what he was doing. The boy
had totally stolen my heart without my permission.

Before I could
even get a grip on the thoughts that were circling around my head,
hands gripped my thighs and he broke the surface of the water just
in front of me. When he smiled and wiped the water from his eyes,
my heart thumped in my chest and I no longer wanted to run. In
fact, what I actually wanted was to be closer to him, so close that
I melted into him.

Knowing I
couldn’t let on how I felt, I decided to act casual and pretend
that this whole devastating realisation hadn’t just happened, that
my world hadn’t just shifted, that my heart didn’t belong to him
and him alone. If he knew the crushing feelings I had for him, it
would probably terrify him to the very core just like it did me.
Ashton Taylor was not the commitment type of guy.

Forcing a
smile, I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Well, I liked your
form,” I joked, noticing how my voice sounded strained and not like
mine at all.

His answering
smile dazzled me. “I’m glad I impressed you.”

“You always
impress me.” That was the truth. Giving in to the passion that was
consuming me, I gripped the back of his head. “Kiss me then.” Not
giving him the chance to answer or turn me down, I pulled his mouth
to mine. He kissed me back so softly that it made me want to cry.
It was beautiful. His touch was soft and gentle as his hands
wandered down my body, pulling me closer to him and guiding my legs
around his waist. My hands twisted into his wet hair as I kissed
him with everything that I had inside me, showing him that I loved
him without actually saying the words.

My stomach
fluttered as I clamped myself to him, revelling in the feeling of
his skin against mine. I needed him. I needed more than this kiss.
I needed to be completely at one with him, consumed by him, and
possessed by him. My whole body ached with a desperate longing that
I’d never felt for anyone else.

I broke the
kiss and put my forehead to his. “Make love to me, Ashton,” I
begged.

His lips parted
as he looked at me curiously for a few seconds before pressing his
lips to mine softly again for a split second. “I can’t. I don’t
have any condoms,” he whispered. He actually looked a little
annoyed with himself as he said it.

I sighed and
tightened my grip on him. I didn’t even care. If I got pregnant, I
would love his babies just as much as I loved him. “I don’t care.
Make love to me, please? I need you to.” I looked into his
beautiful green eyes, and my insides did a little flip. His eyes
were easily my favourite part of his body – and that was saying
something because his body was flawless, so his eyes were nothing
short of spectacular. I could look into them forever and it still
wouldn’t be long enough.

A smile
twitched at the corners of his mouth before he kissed me again,
nibbling on my bottom lip gently. As the kiss deepened, I realised
that every touch and every kiss was different now. I silently
wondered if it was because I knew now what ‘making love’ truly was.
Was that why being in his arms like this, surrounded by beautiful
paradise as far as the eye could see, felt so intimate and amazing?
Every touch of his hands was like he was touching my heart and
soul; my whole being was aching for him.

I wriggled my
hips, trying to get impossibly closer to him. My love for him
overwhelmed me as I whimpered into his mouth praying that this
moment would last forever. I didn’t ever want to come out of this
little Ashton bubble that I was trapped in. We’d been on this
island for less than an hour, and already it was the best time I’d
ever had in my life.

When he broke
the kiss and trailed little kisses down the side of my neck, I
gasped and squeezed my eyes shut. “This is gonna be the best
Christmas and New Year, ever,” I mumbled. I would do everything in
my power to make sure this was the best time he’d ever had too. It
frightened me to think just how far I would go to make him
happy.

“Yeah, it is,”
he agreed huskily. His grip tightened on my hips, moving me a
fraction so that our bodies lined up. When I felt pressure at my
entrance, I kissed him desperately as he pulled me down gently;
entering me so slowly that it was almost maddening.

I moaned at the
sheer ecstasy of having him inside me again. It was almost as if
I’d been holding my breath for the last two months and now I could
finally breathe again. His breath blew across my lips as I pressed
my forehead to his and looked into his eyes as he built up a slow
and steady rhythm, forcing my pleasure higher and higher with each
gentle thrust of his hips.

While we made
love, I savoured every second of it, committing every detail to
memory. It was beautiful, and the most bitter sweet moment of my
life. Everything about it was perfect, from the place, to the warm
water that covered our bodies, to the way his hands and mouth
seemed to worship my body as he made love to me. Every move was so
sweet and tender that it made my heart throb in my chest.

When he held me
still against him and swam for the villa, I thought he was going to
get us out of the ocean, but he didn’t. Instead, he pushed me up
against one of the wooden stilts and continued his beautiful, yet
torturous assault. I rested my head back on the post and just
looked into his eyes. A strange thought suddenly occurred to me. I
was almost grateful for everything that had happened to me in my
past. If Carter hadn’t done what he’d done, then I probably
wouldn’t have met Ashton. As his mouth closed over mine and his
taste filled my senses, I knew that I would go through all of that
stuff with Carter in a heartbeat, just for this one perfect moment
with Ashton.

A small smile
resided on his lips the whole time that he made love to me, his
whole face beamed with happiness. The pleasure he was giving me was
building to impossible heights. I closed my eyes, tipping my head
back, losing myself in the moment and the sensations.

“Look at me,
Baby Girl,” he said breathlessly. “Please look at me.” I forced my
eyes open, looking back to his angelic face as he smiled and put
his forehead against mine. His eyes locked on mine as he continued
to take my body and soul to heaven. “That’s better,” he whispered,
kissing me softly.

I moaned into
his mouth so loudly that it was almost embarrassing, but I couldn’t
contain it. My heartbeat was pounding in my ears as was the whoosh
of my own blood that was pumping through my veins. Suddenly it hit
me, an orgasm so powerful that it made me bite down onto his lip
roughly as my whole body shook and convulsed. His fingers dug into
my thighs as his mouth claimed mine in a kiss that felt like he was
trying to devour my very soul.

His body tensed
too, and he pulled out of me, moaning into my mouth as he found his
release too.

I gasped, and
my eyes fluttered closed again as my head tipped back lifelessly
against the hard, wooden post he was pinning me against. A tired
smile twitched at the corner of my mouth as I looked back at him,
seeing that his eyes were shining with passion as he brushed my wet
hair back gently.

I wanted so
very much to tell him that I loved him, but I couldn’t. Instead, I
swallowed the words, knowing that if I said them, it would ruin
everything and that he would run away from me as fast as his legs
would carry him. I needed him now; I needed him in my life, so I
knew I couldn’t risk confessing my feelings for him. I was just
content in making him happy, and giving him what he wanted. I would
take as much as he would give, for as long as he was willing to
give it for.

Tears welled in
my eyes as the vulnerability of being in love again overwhelmed me.
Questions consumed me, worries, insecurities, fears; all of it
surfaced and actually terrified me to the very core. How could I
possibly have let this happen? How could I have given this boy the
power to kill me? What would I do if something happened to him now?
I would be lost.

A frown pulled
at his forehead as he cupped my cheek in his hand and brushed his
thumb under my eye, wiping away the tear that must have leaked
out.

I forced a
smile, knowing that he was probably worried that he’d upset me
again. “That was perfect, Ashton. It was honestly the most
beautiful and special thing that has ever happened to me. Thank
you,” I whispered, praying that my words wouldn’t scare him away
from me. I leant forward, pressing my forehead against his as I
tightened my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.

I would
remember this moment forever. It would always be the best thing
that had ever happened to me. He bent his head and kissed the tears
from my cheeks, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to, I knew
that he didn’t love me like I loved him, and that was okay. As long
as I could make him happy in a small way, even for a little while,
I would do whatever it took.

He held me
close to him, pressing me against the wooden post gently while
treading water for ages, but it still wasn’t long enough. Neither
of us had said a word since I said about how perfect it was. When
he pushed us away from the post and swam for the stairs, still
holding me close to his chest, I smiled and wrapped my legs tightly
around his waist. He strode effortlessly out of the water, carrying
me over to one of the sun loungers on our terrace before lying down
at my side. There was a strange look on his face, almost like he
was trying hard to think of something to say, or to stop himself
from saying something. Maybe he didn’t want to ruin the moment,
just like I didn’t.

Sighing
contentedly, I combed my fingers through his hair. My mind drifted
to the little girl that I’d once dreamt of, the one with the exact
same shade of hair as his. I wanted that dream to be real so badly.
I wanted that little girl with him, and the way he looked at me so
tenderly as he’d walked across the grass to me. But I knew I
couldn’t have it. Ashton would never want anything serious, what he
wanted was the physical stuff and nothing more.

The solution
was simple. I wouldn’t tell him how I felt, and I wouldn’t let him
into my heart any more than he already was. Deep down I knew I
needed to be careful and guard myself a little more because
otherwise he would crush me completely. I couldn’t let myself build
a life with him, only to have him leave me in four months to go
back to Los Angeles. Even as the thought formed in my mind, I knew
I was only fooling myself. My whole world revolved around him
already and always had done since the first time I saw him, but I’d
refused to see it. Even my parents had seen it. Now I understood
the knowing smiles and the little looks that they gave each other –
they could see what I refused to see, that I was falling for him
hook, line and sinker. I’d never even stood a chance.