Nova (15 page)

Michael gives me a mock glare. “Traitor!” But he goes to do Taylor’s bidding.

Taylor and I laugh together at Michael’s expression, then Taylor asks me about things down in the cargo bay. I answer and ask her how things are going at work.

“Well, the misters are still broken—I went into work this morning to find out they’d been going full blast all night. The technicians still don’t seem to know what’s wrong. Other than that, things have been going well. We’ve been looking at installing new filters in the lower ring . . .”

As I listen to her talk, I think about PsyLt. Rowan’s enjoinders and the rumors in the cargo bay about the convoy. I feel so comfortable here, surrounded by Michael and his family. Suddenly asking to stay with them doesn’t seem as impossible as it did before, especially now that I know I really am Lia, in a way. Maybe I can feel Michael out later on this evening, see how his family might react to my asking.

Wandering into the bedroom to wait, I immediately see what Michael meant about never finding my way out again. The room, at least Teal’s side of it, is a maze of clothes. Half her closet must be spread out over the room, and in the middle of the chaos stands Teal, holding up a couple shirts in front of her as she stares in the mirror.

“Hey, Lia.” She turns to me with a serious look. “So what do you think? The blue? Or the purple?”

I glance over at Teal and consider. “The blue, definitely. With that brown skirt over there and the silver belt.”

“You think?” Teal gathers the outfit together as she explains that she’s choosing an outfit for her date-that’s-not-a-date-since-Taylor-doesn’t-let-her-date date. I shake my head as she tries on the outfit, unable to decide if I’m jealous she has so many combinations of clothes to try on or relieved my limited selection makes choosing an outfit easy.

“You’re lucky,” Teal suddenly says, shedding the silver belt and trying on a gold one.

“What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t matter what you wear. Michael would still be crazy about you no matter how you looked.”

My blush is instantaneous, pink petals of embarrassment unfurling across my cheeks at the matter-of-fact observation. Teal is altogether too shrewd for my comfort sometimes. I try to keep my voice casual. “Michael and I are just friends.”

Teal snorts. “Are you sure about that?”

I look away and toy with a bottle of makeup on the dresser. In truth, I’m not sure about anything. Michael and I just . . .
are
. For all my ponderings, I haven’t been able to come up with a better definition than that. Maybe I don’t actually need to.

Teal takes pity on me and changes the subject. “Too bad we don’t have the same color palette,” she says, taking the mocha foundation spritzer from my hands and picking up a tube of LongLash, “or I could give you an entire makeover while you wait. Michael wouldn’t even recognize you when he got back. Hmm, maybe some mascara and a little clear lip gloss would work.”

I stand still and let her apply the makeup. At her motion, I lean forward and peer in the mirror. I look the same, but
different
. More vibrant, with the strawberry gloss making my pink lips shine and the mascara making my eyes more defined. I continue to examine my new look as Teal disappears into the bathroom. Maybe it would be worth it to spend a few milicreds on some makeup of my own. I wonder what eye shadow might look good with my gray eyes.

Wait a second.
Gray
eyes?

No. No, no, no, it can’t be!
I don’t have gray eyes, I have green eyes! Like Lia.

I fumble for my chit, fingers shaking as I bring up the digitals of me and Michael from when we were kids. I pull up the first digi and enlarge it, and then another, and another. I can’t see the eye color in all of the images, but I can see it in enough of them. Without a doubt, Lia had green eyes, while mine are gray. The dull gray of a cloudy day, not even remotely mistakable for green no matter how I turn my head in the light. My heart sinks as I recognize what this must mean: I’m not Lia’s clone after all.

No
, I shake my head. That can’t be right. We have so many similarities! It was too perfect, me being Lia’s clone.

I examine the digital of Lia in the sundress again. Excepting the eyes, it looks exactly like the age-diminished digital of myself. I narrow my gaze, searching the smallest details. There, on the inside of her forearm, is a distinctive birthmark a couple shades darker than her skin. As if to prove myself wrong, I shove up my right sleeve.

The skin is perfect. White and soft without even a mole to mar it, let alone a birthmark. A lump forms in my throat. So it’s really true—I’m not Lia’s clone.

Deactivating my chit, I slowly lower my hand. Once again I’m back at square one, without a name or a past, just as clueless as I was before. Disappointment sings through me, and I push back the tears forming in my eyes. So what if Lia and I have a few similarities? Lots of people get motion sick or are good at math. It was stupid to think I could be Lia’s clone. It was stupid to think I could be somebody.

“Hey, I’m all done. Ready to go?”

No, I’m not ready; I’m not ready to go at all. More than anything, I just want to rewind the last ten minutes, to go back to that brief time when I finally knew who I was. When I was finally someone worth being with Michael.

But as Pandora could tell you, once the box is opened it can’t be closed again, no matter what ends up coming out of it.

Taking a deep breath, I give Michael a dazzling smile. “Of course.”

“Cool. Let’s go, Lia.”

I hear her name, and inside I die a little.

19
WE GET ICE CREAM AND
go to the park. Usually I enjoy spending time out in the habitat ring. Surrounded by all the marks of a real planet, it’s easy to pretend Michael and I are back on Aurora together. Not today though. Today all I can think about are those ugly gray eyes looking back at me from the mirror and the missing birthmark from my forearm. All I can think about is the fact that I’m not Lia. Not one bit.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much. The belief that I was Lia’s clone is only a recent development; I was friends with Michael long before I thought that. Yet the disappointment of being wrong is almost crushing, like being told you won a prize only to find out later it was all a mistake, that it was someone else who earned the honor you thought was yours. Someone better than you.

The park is quiet and pleasant this time of day, the air refreshing and odorless. We walk along a path to a fountain at the center and sit on the edge to finish our ice cream. Michael is telling me a funny story about one of his classmates, but I’m finding it hard to pay attention. My thoughts are elsewhere.

“. . . so there he is, standing in the middle of the classroom,
completely
soaked! Even Ms. Niles was laughing, it was so funny.”

My far-off brain recognizes that this is the place where I’m supposed to respond, and I force a laugh. The sound is hollow and thin in my ears, though Michael doesn’t seem to notice.

“You should have seen his face, Li-Li. I’ve never seen anyone look so shocked in my life.”

Li-Li
. Resentment flares in me at his use of the nickname.
Lia’s
nickname. Getting up, I chuck my half-eaten cone into the trash, my appetite gone.

Michael frowns at me. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” I lie. “What would be wrong?”

“Hey, you’re the one who wanted ice cream so much, and now you just threw half of yours away.”

I look away. “I guess I’m not as hungry as I thought I was.”

Michael finishes the rest of his cone, and we head across the grass toward the playground. I say little, replying to his conversation with cursory answers, unable to conjure up more. Hard as I try, I can’t seem to summon back the Lia who just beat Michael in a race to the apartment an hour ago. She’s vanished into thin air, and in her place is this hollowed-out stranger who is only too aware that she’s not who everyone thinks she is. Who is only too aware she’s not the girl Michael cares for.

We sit on the swings and drift, Michael still talking and me listening. After a while, Michael offers to push me.

A playground, grass, white flowers everywhere.

“Higher, Michael! Push me higher!”

“How high, Li-Li?”

“To the sky!”

I jump off the swing, my stomach twisting at the memory.
Lia’s
memory. “I don’t want to swing anymore.”

Michael jumps off as well. “
What
is your problem? Is it something I said?”

“Nothing’s wrong—”

“Bullslag! You’ve been acting strange ever since we left the apartment. What’s wrong? Is it something Teal said? Because if it is—”

“Teal didn’t say anything.” Tears are threatening now, and I wish he would stop badgering me to try and explain something I can’t even explain to myself.

“Then what is it? Are you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you.”

“No? Then what’s wrong? Talk to me, Lia—”

“I’m not
Lia!
” The words come boiling out of me, frustration and hurt and guilt all entwined together in a rush. My face goes ashen as I realize just what came out of my mouth.
Oh slag! Did I really just say that?

Michael is staring at me wide-eyed, hurt and confusion showing in his face, but not suspicion. I struggle to cover my error even as I wish with all my heart I could just admit the truth.

“Why are you even with me, Michael?” I ask. “Because I’m Lia from Aurora, and you feel obligated to spend time with me because we were best friends a long time ago?”

“It’s not like that.”

“No? If my name were anything other than Lia Johansen, we would never have even met. I would have been just another poor refugee stuck down on Level Eight while you went on living your life in the habitat ring with Taylor and Teal and all your friends. Admit it, Michael! The only reason you like me is because I’m Lia from Aurora. Well, I’m not
her
anymore, and you don’t have to pretend I am just because you feel some sense of duty!”

My eyes are burning now, but I can’t bear the thought of crying in front of him, of making even more of a fool of myself than I have already. I look at the ground, waiting for him to admit what I know is true—that it isn’t me he likes, but Lia. A girl long gone, whom I can never be no matter how much I will it.

“You’re right,” he finally says, and my heart crumples in my chest as though it is nothing more than paper. “I went down to the cargo bay looking for my friend Lia from Aurora, and if you were someone else we never would have met.

“Look, I know you’re not the same person you were on Aurora anymore,” he adds, as though he’s not killing me with every word he says, “but you’re wrong if you think that’s the only reason I liked you.”

I dart my eyes up, blinking back tears to dare a glance at his face. His eyes are so serious, as serious as I’ve ever seen Michael, and so sincere I feel my eyes filling again.

He continues. “Yes, I look at you and see Lia from Aurora all the time. Your smile, your laugh, the snarky comments you make, and that annoying way you can always beat me in a footrace. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like those things, but I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t like the new, serious Lia from New Sol just as much, if not more, than the fun Lia from Aurora.”

Michael shakes his head. “The old Lia? I could never have told her all that stuff about my parents. She would have teased me mercilessly about my fears of being drafted. She wouldn’t have just listened, not like the new Lia did. The old Lia would have gone completely galactic when I walked out on her after that message from my dad. She would have stormed out, and I would have had to spend a week making it up to her before she was my friend again. She wouldn’t have waited for me, for hours, without any idea when I would come back, just because she wanted to make sure
I
was okay. Not like you.

“She definitely wouldn’t have understood how important Teal is to me, let alone figured out a way to win her over. I won’t even try to guess how you managed that! Teal’s hated every girlfriend I’ve ever had, and yet somehow in a matter of weeks you’ve got her asking for fashion advice and sticking up for you as fiercely as if you were one of the family.”

His voice goes soft. “I don’t care what your name is or where you’re from. I just like you because you’re you.” He hesitates. “Just like I hope you like me because I’m me, and not because I’m Michael from Aurora, the only person left in the galaxy you know.”

My mouth drops open, pure shock running through me at his words. It never occurred to me that funny, confident Michael might be just as uncertain about me as I am about him. It never occurred to me that he might like me just for being me, and not Lia.

I close my eyes and savor his words.
I just like you because you’re you.

When I open them again, Michael’s watching me closely, insecurity written across his face, and I realize I have yet to answer his question, though it wasn’t actually phrased as a question.

I walk up to him, look him in the eyes, and tell him, “I like you because you never gave up looking for me, because you include me without even stopping to wonder if you should, because you confide in me and make me want to confide in you, and yes, because I can beat you at footraces.” He laughs a little. “I just like you because you’re you.”

I’m not sure if he hugs me or I hug him; it really doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’m back. Not Lia’s clone, not the me who was pretending so hard to be Lia, but just
me.
For the first time since coming on this station, it doesn’t matter that I’m not Lia.

We hug for a long moment, and then Michael’s grip finally loosens. Taking the cue, I reluctantly pull back.

Just in time for him to lean down and kiss me.

His lips only brush mine for a moment, but pure ecstasy shoots through me all the same. I tighten my arms around his neck and kiss him back, reveling in the sensations curling through every part of my body. My heart is dancing, thumping so hard I think it might jump out of my chest. Elation soars through me, rising like a bird on the wing, higher and higher—

*00:01:57*

My eyes shoot open, shock dumping down my spine like a bucket of icy water. I swallow my gasp and another second ticks down.

*00:01:56*

Panic starts to rise, and I press my lips harder to Michael’s, as though the increased pressure can tamp down my fears. My clock has started multiple times since my initial malfunction, but I haven’t gone off yet.

*00:01:55*

At the back of his neck, my hands curl into tiny fists. It
always
stops after five or ten seconds. Twenty seconds, tops. That’s the most it ever dropped, and that was during my first fight with Shar.

*00:01:54*

Surely a little kiss doesn’t rate on the same level as a knock-down, drag-out fight, no matter how great a kiss it is.

*00:01:53*

Still, it’s kind of hard to concentrate on the task at hand with it ticking down like that. Frag it! My first kiss (as far as I know) and my stupid clock has to ruin it?!

*00:01:52*

Michael lifts his head and the kiss ends. I stifle my disappointment and smile back at him. No need to take out my frustration with my vaccin’ head on him!

*00:01:51*

He leans his forehead against mine, his voice low as he whispers something to me. I miss the exact words in my distraction. My mind is starting to get that stretchy feeling, and it’s making it hard for me to focus. He’s saying something about how amazing that was, I think. I murmur my agreement, trying to focus on Michael even as my mental eye continues to watch my clock.

*00:01:50*

*00:01:49*

*00:01:48*

Okay, it’s been ten seconds now, time to shut off.

*00:01:47*

*00:01:46*

*00:01:45*

*00:01:44*

*00:01:43*

Anytime
now! A spark bursts in my right eye, then another, and I turn my head slightly, hoping that whatever they are, only I can see them. How would I ever explain to Michael why I have sparkles in my eyes?
Well, Michael, it’s my heritage as a genetically engineered bomb. But don’t worry, I won’t blow up, really I won’t!

I sneak another peek at my clock. I’ve lost another five seconds. It’s been twenty seconds now.

*00:01:38*

Twenty-one.

*00:01:37*

Twenty-two.

*00:01:36*

Stop!

*00:01:35*

Stop it
now!

*00:01:34*

I
mean
it! Stop!

*00:01:33*

Oh, God, it’s not stopping!

*00:01:32*

It’s not stopping, it’s not stopping, it’s not stopping!

*00:01:31*

Three more seconds. The stretchy feeling is reeling across my mind like a sheet, the sparkles popping in both eyes now. The panic is building again, and I can’t push it away this time. It’s really happening! Nova, I’m going Nova!

*00:01:28*

Michael!

I shove myself away from him, horror bursting over me as I realize what going Nova will mean.

“Lia?”

His voice is so blissfully unaware, so innocent in its ignorance. Michael, Michael, Michael! If only you knew what a monster I am!

*00:01:26*

Warmth floods my forearms in a rush and my last vestige of sanity snaps. Every thought flees from my mind, overridden by one sharp, panicked impulse.

Run!